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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being told that our 4 year old is going away with the inlaws and not asked

60 replies

Mummabee87 · 19/08/2023 10:16

I really cant decide here if i am in the wrong for feeling angry here, obviously i have to let it go and i want dd to go and have fun but im struggling with this one to keep my mouth shut lol. I have 2dd, dd1 is 4 and dd2 is 9 weeks. I have just got my first period so appreciate i could just be over reacting due to tiredness and hormones, and i no once ive written this and then read it, ill feel stupid as it isnt a massive thing but its really annoyed me, i guess even made me feel disrespected

So inlaws have been mummbling about taking dd1 to the beach for an overnight hotel stay for the last few weeks. (They have lots of ideas but nothing ever comes of it. For example, theyve bedn telling dd1 they want to go on a bus for the last 3 years but never done it) They had suggested this weekend coming but as usual couldnt make any decisions (there is usually always something wrong with them). Dh took dd1 to see them wednesday evening, i stayed at home with dd2 who had just had her jabs and was grumpy (dh had been instructed to take dd2. They live about a 20 minute drive away but typicially only see children once a week and that is a faff too)
I had mentioned to dh about a day out that i had seen this weekend earlier that day and said as no update from his parents it might be worth looking at it. Im trying to make the most of the holidays with dd1 as i will never get this again as when i return to work i wont get the 6 weeks off again.
I then gets a text from dh saying nan, grandad & dd1 are going away on sunday and hotel is booked. This is what has annoyed me that i wasnt asked if it waa still ok or if we had any plans, and when i later asked dh if he was asked or just told, it turns out he was told. I said it would have been nice to have been asked or atleast informed before booking, as i would have suggested we all do the day out and have a family day. His response was that i could tell his parents and have that fight with them.
Dd did not go to inlaws this previous week, as we had a little last minute break, which dh invited the inlaws on (wasnt good enough for them and health issues used as an excuse) and dh even asked them if they wouldnt mind not having her that week - i did joke with him what was he going to do if they did mind! Haha

Our relationship with the ILs isnt the best. I am greatful they have dd1 1 day a week. They choose to have her over night but theres always a thing made of making it fair and being inturns for picking up/dropping off, when they bring her back they cant come to our house, they meet hb in a carpark near his work. They have to make a point if you forget to pack her something i.e only 1 par of socks instead of two ect. I struggle with them as they whether intentionally or not, they took alot of my 'firsts' away from me with dd1 and would make a big fuss over how they taught her to do things ect. When i know they actually hadnt. They are also rather controlling and ive been controlled before so will not be allowed to be controlled again. Even dh hates seeing them without back up lol.

Oh and dh has to drop dd1 half way to thier house as they are not passing our house. And im dreading packing her bag as i know it wont be right

Sorry for rambling on, just needed a vent

So, YANBU - they should have asked and checked it was ok and im ok for feeling like this
YABU - just shut up, get on with it and enjoy the peace

OP posts:
Clickandcollect82 · 19/08/2023 10:19

Of course they should have asked

but it sounds like there an enormous and convoluted backstory

frazzledasarock · 19/08/2023 10:24

No just no. And I wouldn’t be sending my baby to them one day a week overnight either ever.

why are you so passive in safeguarding your poor child. I’d tell them to go fuck themselves and I wouldn’t be picking anything. And I’d tell H to piss off with his you fight them stupidity I’d make sure he prioritised you and your children’s well-being over appeasing his parents or he could go live with them too.

I wouldn’t lose my precious time with my children in favour of my IL’s and I like my IL’s. No ducking way would I let people who were not kind to me taking my child anywhere.

Chamomileteaplease · 19/08/2023 10:29

The thing is, these people sound like head-fucks to the nth degree. And you are letting your child be in their care.

What are they going to do if you say no? You hold all the cards. Start drawing away. Go low contact and you will feel a lot better. Do not worry what these difficult, head-fucking people feel about it.

CurlewKate · 19/08/2023 10:32

I don't really understand-has the baby's dad agreed to this outing?

AnnaMagnani · 19/08/2023 10:34

It sounds like you need to trail off contact so it is more on your terms than theirs.

That your DH doesn't like seeing his own parents is a giant red flag.

StephanieSuperpowers · 19/08/2023 10:35

CurlewKate · 19/08/2023 10:32

I don't really understand-has the baby's dad agreed to this outing?

Probably, but he's on safer ground saying that he was just told.

bellac11 · 19/08/2023 10:37

Its qutie difficult to follow

So they have her one night a week overnights anyway

But this particular overnight is in a hotel

Is the hotel the difference or is it something else thats different?

I get that you get irritated with them but that is a different issue really, you either want them to do child care for you or you dont. If you dont then thats your choice and hopefully your husband would back you up

takealettermsjones · 19/08/2023 10:38

I don't really understand either - you sent DH off to ILs house with details of a day out, asking if they could do it, so they've said yes and gone all out and booked a hotel to make a trip of it. Might they have thought this is what you wanted? If not, DH should have said "actually, we wanted to all do it together" at the time.

But yes there must be a lot of backstory!

Ponoka7 · 19/08/2023 10:45

I've always had an outfit, pjs, socks, knickers etc for when I take my GC overnight/out. You need to start to put your foot down. Don't let them be so picky. If you are pulled up over what you've packed, she doesn't go again. Start putting in boundaries, or let your DH deal with packing etc and you don't hear about any complaints.

BoohooWoohoo · 19/08/2023 10:52

You or your h need to have this argument now before you end up with dc having to have this argument for you.
Their behaviour is bizarre. For starters, I would do all the dropping off and picking up and not subjecting dc to weird routines like meeting in a carpark. Secondly the more you allow them to tell you rather than ask you, the more they will do it. Passively accepting this incident will make you look strange if you decline next time and so on.

Your h should have said no when he was told and is very unreasonable to have you fight the battle but one day dd won't like it and she will look like the unreasonable one.

rwalker · 19/08/2023 10:54

In laws or my mums would of just asked one of us
I think the problem sounds like your DH hasn’t communicated it with you

saraclara · 19/08/2023 10:55

When I do a day's childcare I also often pick and/of my DGD up from her parent at a mid point between the two homes, too. I don't see why that's an issue.

saraclara · 19/08/2023 10:56

Often pick up and/or drop off, even

UndercoverCop · 19/08/2023 10:59

Your issues sound really minor, they needed two pairs of socks you only packed one so they said next time can you pack two? You send them to theirs over night every week for childcare anyway so why is it a big dream this time it's in a hotel? They have spoken about this before you just didn't believe they'd actually do it. The half way drop offs I think are fine actually they're doing you a huge favour providing free childcare.
I think they probably think they did ask as they floated this a few weeks ago and you didn't object.

10HailMarys · 19/08/2023 11:01

No just no. And I wouldn’t be sending my baby to them one day a week overnight either ever.

why are you so passive in safeguarding your poor child

She’s not a baby. She’s 4.

Also, in what way is the OP not ‘safeguarding her poor child’ by letting her stay for a night with her grandparents? The grandparents sound like hard work for the OP, sure, and I would them as annoying as the OP does. But there’s not a single thing in the OP’s post that suggests her DD isn’t safe with them.

HowToSaveAWife · 19/08/2023 11:02

I don't see why you can't just say sorry it doesn't suit, enjoy your break at the sea.

End of.

If they can be flighty then that can go both ways. And if you don't want her to go or you want to do your day out thing then just say no thanks. You're her mum. ILs don't get to make the rules.

Autumnsoon · 19/08/2023 11:21

Why are u letting people you don’t like have your child overnight

JudgeRudy · 19/08/2023 11:21

CurlewKate · 19/08/2023 10:32

I don't really understand-has the baby's dad agreed to this outing?

I'm confused. Your ILs regularly have your 4 year old daughter at the weekend including overnight. You have unusual picking up and dropping off arrangements. This time when your OH dropped her off your ILs told your son they had booked the hotel for the seaside outing. Your son didn't object and left his parents with the idea that all was well. You're annoyed because you wanted to go too. You've no real reason to object, you're just irritated because you feel your ILs are overstepping the mark and you've told your OH so. He's said if you have a problem you can speak to ILs and let them know, he's fine with it.

Have I missed something? It sounds as if you're just irritated because your ILs don't run things by you, yet you're happy to let them care for your daughtercevery weekend. They're mentioned ghe trip a few times. You've vouced no objections. Now they booked it (probably last minute). You say you wanted to go but they (probably?) didn't want to you to join them. Maybe they're more spontaneous. Maybe it would turn into a saga arranging something with you. Sounds like they just fancied a nice treat for their grandchild.
Are you going to stop them?

Tarmaced · 19/08/2023 11:43

OP you need to get a grip!

YOU are the Mother here, YOU decide who looks after your children.

If you don't want them to take your child away overnight, put your foot down FGS. 🤨

rwalker · 19/08/2023 12:00

Tarmaced · 19/08/2023 11:43

OP you need to get a grip!

YOU are the Mother here, YOU decide who looks after your children.

If you don't want them to take your child away overnight, put your foot down FGS. 🤨

That child has a dad as well

Kath85 · 19/08/2023 12:36

I really don’t see the issue here OP. You had previously agreed they could take your DD away for a night this particular weekend so they booked it as they were oblivious that you had seen a day out you wanted to go on instead, how is that their fault? I get you are wanting to make the most of summer but you had been on a family weekend away the week before so it’s not like this weekend was your only chance and summer isnt over yet so can’t you go on the day trip next week? Sounds like you just don’t like the in laws and they probably are difficult but if you trust them enough to have your DD overnight weekly they can’t be that bad and they must have a good relationship with your daughter, sounds like your DD will have a great time. Leave them to it and look forward to catching up when she’s home

Bex5490 · 19/08/2023 13:06

Autumnsoon · 19/08/2023 11:21

Why are u letting people you don’t like have your child overnight

Surely the point isn’t whether you like them. My MIL winds me up all the time with her not so helpful and clearly judgemental ‘suggestions’ but she loves my kids and I’d never want to stop her seeing them. In laws are just generally annoying. Im sure when I have grandkids I’ll be equally unlikeable but just like I’ve got no choice but to put up with my MIL, whoever is unlucky enough to marry my son will have to put up with me! 😂

Vault687 · 19/08/2023 13:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GodspeedJune · 19/08/2023 13:15

Your role is to protect your child from controlling people, not to facilitate a relationship with them.

Bex5490 · 19/08/2023 13:18

OP - I completely appreciate that they sound annoying. And I definitely think you have the right to be irritated but as everyone is talking about control and safeguarding, I guess you have to decide whether you think they are harmful to your children or add something positive to their lives. How does your daughter feel about them? 4 year olds have pretty honest and trustworthy opinions…