Being told that our 4 year old is going away with the inlaws and not asked

[Mummabee87]

I really cant decide here if i am in the wrong for feeling angry here, obviously i have to let it go and i want dd to go and have fun but im struggling with this one to keep my mouth shut lol. I have 2dd, dd1 is 4 and dd2 is 9 weeks. I have just got my first period so appreciate i could just be over reacting due to tiredness and hormones, and i no once ive written this and then read it, ill feel stupid as it isnt a massive thing but its really annoyed me, i guess even made me feel disrespected

So inlaws have been mummbling about taking dd1 to the beach for an overnight hotel stay for the last few weeks. (They have lots of ideas but nothing ever comes of it. For example, theyve bedn telling dd1 they want to go on a bus for the last 3 years but never done it) They had suggested this weekend coming but as usual couldnt make any decisions (there is usually always something wrong with them). Dh took dd1 to see them wednesday evening, i stayed at home with dd2 who had just had her jabs and was grumpy (dh had been instructed to take dd2. They live about a 20 minute drive away but typicially only see children once a week and that is a faff too)
I had mentioned to dh about a day out that i had seen this weekend earlier that day and said as no update from his parents it might be worth looking at it. Im trying to make the most of the holidays with dd1 as i will never get this again as when i return to work i wont get the 6 weeks off again.
I then gets a text from dh saying nan, grandad & dd1 are going away on sunday and hotel is booked. This is what has annoyed me that i wasnt asked if it waa still ok or if we had any plans, and when i later asked dh if he was asked or just told, it turns out he was told. I said it would have been nice to have been asked or atleast informed before booking, as i would have suggested we all do the day out and have a family day. His response was that i could tell his parents and have that fight with them.
Dd did not go to inlaws this previous week, as we had a little last minute break, which dh invited the inlaws on (wasnt good enough for them and health issues used as an excuse) and dh even asked them if they wouldnt mind not having her that week - i did joke with him what was he going to do if they did mind! Haha

Our relationship with the ILs isnt the best. I am greatful they have dd1 1 day a week. They choose to have her over night but theres always a thing made of making it fair and being inturns for picking up/dropping off, when they bring her back they cant come to our house, they meet hb in a carpark near his work. They have to make a point if you forget to pack her something i.e only 1 par of socks instead of two ect. I struggle with them as they whether intentionally or not, they took alot of my 'firsts' away from me with dd1 and would make a big fuss over how they taught her to do things ect. When i know they actually hadnt. They are also rather controlling and ive been controlled before so will not be allowed to be controlled again. Even dh hates seeing them without back up lol.

Oh and dh has to drop dd1 half way to thier house as they are not passing our house. And im dreading packing her bag as i know it wont be right

Sorry for rambling on, just needed a vent

So, YANBU - they should have asked and checked it was ok and im ok for feeling like this
YABU - just shut up, get on with it and enjoy the peace

@MysteryBelle “You’re foolish for allowing them to just take her without your consent”

That’s not quite true though.
The PIL have been saying for several weeks that they’d like to do this, and more recently they’d mentioned this weekend as the one they wanted to do.
OP didn’t take it seriously as she thinks their suggestions are flaky - but, it’s hardly come from nowhere, it’s been mentioned enough times for her - or her husband - to say no.
The actual overnight itself is the night that OP has allowed them to have the girl anyway, every week.
The difference is that they need her earlier in the day - she was there overnight anyway.
OP wasn’t even there when PIL said they had booked the exact trip they’d been talking about for weeks, with no objection. So I’d take spineless husband’s report of “asked Vs told” with a pinch of salt.

Imagine being the grandparents
Posting a Gransnet: we’ve mentioned it for weeks, specifically chose this weekend, it’s our regular night anyway - and when we told our son it was definite, he didn’t bat an eyelid. Now my DIL is pissed off.

Packing the bag makes sense (though it could be her husband, but it’s not PIL’s fault if OP doesn’t expect her husband to do it) because they are the ones who have the child’s clothes.

No, false. What I said is quite true. The mother of the child was not asked for her consent nor was her consent given.

The in-laws talking about it does not equal asking permission from the chill’s mother.

The mother’s thoughts or silence about the in-laws pushy behavior does not equal consent.

The in-laws do not get to dictate to the mother.

By the way, I recognize your username as someone who has sought me out on other threads to lie about my posts. It has been a while ago but it was disturbing at the time. Like this one, you imply I’m lying ‘not quite true’ yes it is quite true. And stop stalking me.

They choose to have her over night but theres always a thing made of making it fair and being inturns for picking up/dropping off, when they bring her back they cant come to our house, they meet hb in a carpark near his work. They have to make a point if you forget to pack her something i.e only 1 par of socks instead of two ect. I struggle with them as they whether intentionally or not, they took alot of my 'firsts' away from me with dd1 and would make a big fuss over how they taught her to do things ect. When i know they actually hadnt. They are also rather controlling and ive been controlled before so will not be allowed to be controlled again. Even dh hates seeing them without back up lol.

how can they choose to have her overnight? That’s YOUR decision, not theirs. Not going to be easy to change that after allowing it (and you have) for 4 years but if you want to change it you and your DH are going to have to put the big pants on and communicate what you will and won’t allow for your children.

you “won’t be controlled again” but you’re laying back and letting them control you! If you don’t do anything about this, like speaking to them and NOT just meekly packing a bag for her, wishing your child off and awaiting feedback on what you packed you’re going to have to do something about it, aren’t you?!

Well I think regardless of the different opinions on here everyone agrees that you have a right to be upset that the in-laws booked without fully asking. Also, you have said that your daughter loves them, they treat her well and she enjoys spending time with them so cutting contact completely as some have suggested seems pretty ridiculous.

OP - You haven’t said whether you want DD1 to stay overnight or not. If you would rather that she didn’t then you are well within your right to tell them that but on the flip side, if they want you or DH to come and collect her that evening rather than meeting half way or them bringing her back then that’s their choice really as they are doing the favour with childcare.

I think you should just be honest and judge their reaction. Just say you were a bit upset because you had made plans for that day and next time can they make sure they ask before booking. If they are sorry then clearly they are well meaning and made an unintentional mistake. If they are defensive or rude, then they feel like they have too much power as grandparents and you should start exerting yours…

These people sound like bloody hard work tbh and more trouble than they are worth. What's going to happen if you do "fight" with them? They stop talking you?
Oh no. What a tragedy.

Picking on you over one pair of socks ffs. Who needs that shit in their life?

@MysteryBelle 🤣 I’m impressed at my stalking then, pretty committed of me to turn up on the thread before you 🤣

I’ve no idea if I’ve disagreed with you on a thread before - hardly seems unlikely since we both are on AIBU which is a board with invites opinions. Your name doesn’t ring any bells…

Actually I say that… are you American and did we disagree about something to do with mortgages once? I can’t give you any more than that I’m afraid, I don’t have a file on you 😉

But yeah, given I was on the thread first, gave my opinion first… odd version of stalking!!

BTW, I feel your pain over the telling not asking thing. I had a milder version of this.

MIL said she wanted to take DS (9 at the time) to Ireland last June for a long weekend but we didn't get his passport renewed in time. She said never mind, she would take him in November.

In November she said, do you mind him having a couple of days off school? I DID mind TBH but I thought, a couple of days is OK I suppose since he gets to go away with his grandmother.
Next thing I know she comes round and declares she's booked ten days in Egypt!! Without telling me where she was booking and for how long... when I totally thought she was booking Ireland for a few days.
I wasn't really ready to be seperated from my firstborn for that long, I was terrified of him being abroad that long without me and I felt really duped.
But what can I do when she's just told my son and he's jumping around in excitement in front of me?!

Bloody in-laws 😂

I am really sorry that you feel "stupid " and that you "could just be over reacting due to tiredness and hormones" and are making excuses for your feelings. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, in RL or on here, if you aren't happy about this then that's fine. The fact that people close to you aren't supporting you in this shows massive disrespect.

You are allowed your feelings, even if other people don't agree or think they're rational. You are the mother and while it's always best to work with her father, negotiating as necessary, what you say and feel is every bit as important as what he does, and much, much more important than other family members.

It's so annoying that you need to fight your corner when you are worn down by hormones and a new baby. This is the time when everyone else should be dancing around you and putting your wishes, whatever they think of them, first.

Good luck, OP. Try to believe in yourself.

Wow - this is definitely not milder… that is overstepping boundaries! That’s 10 days, to a completely different country and with the possibility of getting you fined by the school! I’d be fuming!

Ah yes - I forgot to mention that bit. We had to pay massive school fines. In bloody January too.

I was grateful for her taking him away. He made amazing memories and she spent a lot of money on him. I just wish I'd had a say!!