Being told that our 4 year old is going away with the inlaws and not asked

[Mummabee87]

I really cant decide here if i am in the wrong for feeling angry here, obviously i have to let it go and i want dd to go and have fun but im struggling with this one to keep my mouth shut lol. I have 2dd, dd1 is 4 and dd2 is 9 weeks. I have just got my first period so appreciate i could just be over reacting due to tiredness and hormones, and i no once ive written this and then read it, ill feel stupid as it isnt a massive thing but its really annoyed me, i guess even made me feel disrespected

So inlaws have been mummbling about taking dd1 to the beach for an overnight hotel stay for the last few weeks. (They have lots of ideas but nothing ever comes of it. For example, theyve bedn telling dd1 they want to go on a bus for the last 3 years but never done it) They had suggested this weekend coming but as usual couldnt make any decisions (there is usually always something wrong with them). Dh took dd1 to see them wednesday evening, i stayed at home with dd2 who had just had her jabs and was grumpy (dh had been instructed to take dd2. They live about a 20 minute drive away but typicially only see children once a week and that is a faff too)
I had mentioned to dh about a day out that i had seen this weekend earlier that day and said as no update from his parents it might be worth looking at it. Im trying to make the most of the holidays with dd1 as i will never get this again as when i return to work i wont get the 6 weeks off again.
I then gets a text from dh saying nan, grandad & dd1 are going away on sunday and hotel is booked. This is what has annoyed me that i wasnt asked if it waa still ok or if we had any plans, and when i later asked dh if he was asked or just told, it turns out he was told. I said it would have been nice to have been asked or atleast informed before booking, as i would have suggested we all do the day out and have a family day. His response was that i could tell his parents and have that fight with them.
Dd did not go to inlaws this previous week, as we had a little last minute break, which dh invited the inlaws on (wasnt good enough for them and health issues used as an excuse) and dh even asked them if they wouldnt mind not having her that week - i did joke with him what was he going to do if they did mind! Haha

Our relationship with the ILs isnt the best. I am greatful they have dd1 1 day a week. They choose to have her over night but theres always a thing made of making it fair and being inturns for picking up/dropping off, when they bring her back they cant come to our house, they meet hb in a carpark near his work. They have to make a point if you forget to pack her something i.e only 1 par of socks instead of two ect. I struggle with them as they whether intentionally or not, they took alot of my 'firsts' away from me with dd1 and would make a big fuss over how they taught her to do things ect. When i know they actually hadnt. They are also rather controlling and ive been controlled before so will not be allowed to be controlled again. Even dh hates seeing them without back up lol.

Oh and dh has to drop dd1 half way to thier house as they are not passing our house. And im dreading packing her bag as i know it wont be right

Sorry for rambling on, just needed a vent

So, YANBU - they should have asked and checked it was ok and im ok for feeling like this
YABU - just shut up, get on with it and enjoy the peace

I am usually not one for telling lies but on this occasion I think I might be tempted to say DD is under the weather
I’d also be thinking how best to deal with the IL’s in future their ‘help’ seems more trouble than its worth

“They are also rather controlling and ive been controlled before so will not be allowed to be controlled again”

That’s not really true is it? Though it’s a good aim.

YABU for this specific trip - they have her overnight every week anyway, and they’ve been talking about doing this trip for ages. So in theory, it’s fine. You weren’t there when they asked/told your husband, so who knows which it was?

There’s a lot here though where YANBU.

But it’s hard to pick it apart. They’re already doing you a favour doing so much childcare, so why not meet them part way for drop off, or make it even with pick ups? And although they’re petty if they go on about a single missing pair of socks for weeks, how often doesn’t your husband pack the right clothes for her?

I think you need to discuss with your husband what role you actually want them to have. No way would I not have my child overnight one night a week! Decide what you want and stick to it, or you’ll always be resentful.

“Oh and dh has to drop dd1 half way to thier house as they are not passing our house. And im dreading packing her bag as i know it wont be right”

Dropping her part way is perfectly fair. And dreading the bag back is totally on you. I know it’s a cliché but you can’t change them so how you handle your own feelings is on you. If you get any comments, “we needed a pair of trousers” then reply, “she’ll be fine with the leggings” and CHOOSE not to care.

Why do they have her overnight at all?
She is 4.
They had their chance with their own children.
Dd is yours.
Firm no, I'm not happy with that. You don't even need to be drawn on any further explanation. Just keep repeating. Perhaps add that weekend visits with parents in tow are fine. When dd is older, if she asks to go for a stay with them, that is different. But she is too young to voice whether she does or doesn't right now and you'd prefer they have a more traditional grandparent relationship from here on.

As so often, it's a husband problem. You need to present a united front to them - he should not be allowing things you are not happy with.

If they asked, he knew from previous discussions where you never voice an objection you would have not problems with the concept of your dd being away, agreed and forgot to tell you then no biggie and I wouldn't make it into a them and me fight. These things happen.

If he purposely never told you why would he do that?

This is all very odd. They do sound dreadfully annoying, but you need to put that aside and decide what is best for your DD.

Do you trust them with your DD? If they look after her once a week, the answer is presumably yes.

Are you comfortable with them looking after your DD overnight? Again, from your post, the answer seems to be yes.

Do you have confidence in them to keep your DD safe at the seaside around water? For instance, if she will be going in the sea, do you trust that an adult will be in arm's reach of her at all times? Similarly, if there is a swimming-pool at the hotel.

If you can't answer yes to these three questions, then she shouldn't be going imo.

If these are all fine, the next questions are:

Will your DD enjoy it?

Is it going to interfere with (even more fun) plans that you had to spend time with her?

It sounds like they're a bit much and overbearing generally, but in this case they're offering your DD a fun trip and they appear to be adults who you trust to look after her. I don't understand why you wouldn't just send her, be glad she'll get this treat and enjoy some time alone with the baby.

OP said she is grateful that they have her for a day a week so they are clearly being helpful here. Regardless if they are annoying in laws they clearly love her DD and want to spend time with her and create nice experiences. Agreed if OP doesn’t want her to stay over then she defo shouldn’t. I am really struggling to see what they have done that means that their relationship with DD should lessen though. There is no mention that they are not good grandparents just that they are stubborn and inconvenient like most in laws…

Absolutely agreed.

This.

My children wouldn't be going anywhere with people who treated me poorly, certainly not overnight.

I think it is better to have less contact when people have poorly.

Your husband doesn't sound great either.

A very important part of parenting is being able to stand up for yourself and them.

I cannot fathom having contact with people who would think they can tell me where my child is going.

Too bizarre frankly.

Review contact.

Imo using ils for childcare in their eyes gives them rights over your dc that you would prefer they didn't assume...
Can you use nursery instead and reclaim your dc?

Also, 'the beach' is up there on the my list of things all kids should experience.

I don't particularly like it... it's either too hot/cold, too sandy, sand gets into everything, I end up having to carry the (increasingly heavy) baby miles in the sling or drag the buggy backwards on the beach, I bring a change of clothes for DC but can't fit one for me in the buggy bag so I end up soggy and damp...

MIL and FIL live near the seaside so they take DC1 on days out there - win-win for me 😂! DC1 gets to go to the seaside (they love it) and I get not to have everything covered in sand for days afterwards.

Thank you all for replies and thoughts, its helped me seeing it from different angles. There is no safeguarding issues, they do love dd and dd loves them. I love that they wanna do things with her, its just the added stress that comes with it. I dont get this with other family members. They just wind me up and wind dh too. Ive no problem with her going, its the principle that it was all arranged and agreed without me or dh and we were just told this is what they doing and dh is very aware of my current feelings.
Yes its her 'normal' day to go, but she doesnt normally go till tea time so im a bit miffed that it affects what we normally do or that we cant do what i had in mind (i know im being selfish here) its frustrating that next week there will be nothing to do and they'll likey say they not having her.
So i will put my positive pants back on, dh can have the baby for a few hours and i will enjoy the break!

I dont think the halfway point pick ups are that strange actually, lots of people do that sort of thing to save on the journey on both ends

This...

They do sound very irritating and inconsiderate. But if you know your DD will have a great time and love the seaside, I'd swallow it this time. If they continue arranging stuff without consulting you, they'll eventually get their fingers burned when you've made plans that you can't/won't move.

YANBU, I would not be happy about this. It is controlling, they didn’t properly ask or give you ability to say no. I’d be very unhappy about this. Don’t let them drive a wedge between you and DD.

OP has clearly said that they’re not a safeguarding risk. Our children aren’t our possessions that we can just take back from family members who we don’t like. Our children have the right to access their extended family if they play a positive role in their lives. I think we owe it to them to facilitate those relationships even if they’re annoying for us. Same way if you split from Dad and he was irritating you, that doesn’t mean you should stop the children from being able to see him.

Enjoy your break OP - and sorry you have such annoying in-laws to deal with! X

It's so hard because obviously ops in laws are pushy and growing up with this ops dh is probably conditioned to go along with it

You said enjoy the peace op, and they have her once a week.

Do you really need this help.
If you do then suck it up this time but slowly and carefully implement measures to make sure this doesn't happen again.
Slowly and gently withdraw but that's hard if you need them to have her 1 day a week.

Little things like just not being available, dd having a pal's bday to go too, you booked something, your parents want to spend time with her :anything to break and shake up this entitlement would be good.

@Bex5490
Everyone irritates me at some point even my beloved dm, df, db, dc and dh.

There is is a distinct difference between, over stepping boundaries and riding rough shod over people and being "irritating".

Op, discuss a stragety with dh to make sure he is on board with how to manage them.

I think you should make your MIL work for things. She wants to take DD away - "great thanks MIL - pls write me a list of things to pack so I don't miss anything out this time, or even better MIL I'd love for you to come and pack it all so its done properly - you know me, packing isn't my forte." "Oh I did such and such wrong - perhaps it's better if you do it because you're so good at it. I'm not good at those things, feel free to come over by such and such a day otherwise I have to do it myself and you may not like it my way" Etc etc. Give her enough rope to hang herself. Trust me - it works.

Next time they say "oh we taught her to do x" Say "oh really? I thought it happened y time with <insert name here> never mind as long as she knows how to do it - that's the important thing"

OP believe me when I say you and your DH will have so much fun doing this.

That's meant to say "I thought that happened y time with so and so.."

You’re foolish for allowing them to just take her without your consent, without even being asked. At 4 years old, she doesn’t need to go on a beach holiday w them. Why?

Say no, why in the world are you packing her bag.