Would you still find parenting hard if...

Radiat · 18/08/2023 17:36

The basic stuff you listed isn’t parenting, imo. You’d be doing that for yourself if you had no kids. The daily kids’ routine stuff is parenting.

ManateeFair · 18/08/2023 17:38

Basically the parenting was the basic clean,cook(and the kid is fussy anyways so after the age of 7 mostly sorts themselves out) , laundry that anyone would have to do in a household just for 3 people instead of 2

That's not parenting, though. That's just housework.

Nevermay · 18/08/2023 17:38

I haven't ever found it hard, so I don't really understand your question. Most parents enjoy parenting, I am sure

Sirzy · 18/08/2023 17:41

Sounds more like having a child as a lodger than parenting

Original poster

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 17:45

Radiat · 18/08/2023 17:36

The basic stuff you listed isn’t parenting, imo. You’d be doing that for yourself if you had no kids. The daily kids’ routine stuff is parenting.

That is my opinion as well. That it's just stuff you normally do as an adult and it's all the other stuff(not necessarily all of it ) that makes it parenting and raising a child.

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MirandaWest · 18/08/2023 17:47

The things that are hard are the emotional parts IMO.

ShineLikeA · 18/08/2023 17:47

I don't think I understand your question -- how could you be a parent with a child living with you but never read to or play with them, or take them to school, or help with homework?

Or are you making the point that you're in a marriage where the other parent doesn't do any of this, but still complains parenting is hard?

Lastchancechica · 18/08/2023 17:48

I consider your list normal housework and not parenting.
Parenting is much more than that.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/08/2023 17:49

Is this directed at an ex wife or your mother?

Wenfy · 18/08/2023 17:50

I agree with you. My mother was a housewife. I am a mum. There’s such a huge difference.

Original poster

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 17:59

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/08/2023 17:49

Is this directed at an ex wife or your mother?

My mother. She never did any of those things. It took years of me complaining I couldn't see and only got glasses when my grades went bad and teachers raised concerns. Even then, it was a market job, me trying on glasses until I found one I could see with. Didn't get an eye test and proper pair until I was 14. That's just an example.

She still complains how difficult it was as a working mum, how she missed out on promotions , how hard it all was ,how traumatic my teen years were for her (I do agree that I was a bit of an arsehole though). The thing is , she was never there. And when she was she was doing housework or watching telly so if I wanted to spend time with her I'd just sit and watch her shows(not exactly appropriate content) for hours. But most of the time I just went and played by myself or read a billion books or go outside.

Everyone I talk to says I was a child so didn't realise the work involved, but I'm a mother too (and I work) so actually it's the other way around. It's becoming more and more obvious all the things she didn't do but she still complains (and did at the time too which made me feel so guilty).

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Pollyputthekettleonha · 18/08/2023 18:03

It's the housework bit I find hard. As in it's tedious , I get no pleasure from cleaning, the constant washing etc. If that was all parenting was I probably wouldn't have bothered.
I'd rather do the school run , help with homework, read stories. That's the enjoyable bit to me , though it's obviously offset by tantrums, not listening, fighting with siblings etc.

Fivethirtyeight · 18/08/2023 18:03

Suspect she found work hard and finances a strain. Maybe thought about you and felt guilty that she couldn’t be there. Maybe had to work extra hard and got sidelined on the Mummy track anyway?

Tough on you. Glad you managed to do it differently yourself.

Original poster

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 18:04

ShineLikeA · 18/08/2023 17:47

I don't think I understand your question -- how could you be a parent with a child living with you but never read to or play with them, or take them to school, or help with homework?

Or are you making the point that you're in a marriage where the other parent doesn't do any of this, but still complains parenting is hard?

Quite simple really. First two years were very difficult childcare wise but managed between two parents and family. Then nursery. Then once I started school, got myself up when they left for work, got dressed,brushed teeth,locked the door went to school. Then came home (empty house) ate something/watched telly.Mum would come at about 3:30 did her thing while I 'd be in my room playing,reading,doing homework or outside playing. Have dinner as a family , then back in my room or watch telly with them.Rinse and repeat.

The irony is she keeps saying she turned down this job or that promotion, or took that job so she could be home with me in the afternoons. No idea why tbh.

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Littlecovid · 18/08/2023 18:06

You say 3 people. Was your Dad around? What was his role in all of this?

Lastchancechica · 18/08/2023 18:09

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 17:59

My mother. She never did any of those things. It took years of me complaining I couldn't see and only got glasses when my grades went bad and teachers raised concerns. Even then, it was a market job, me trying on glasses until I found one I could see with. Didn't get an eye test and proper pair until I was 14. That's just an example.

She still complains how difficult it was as a working mum, how she missed out on promotions , how hard it all was ,how traumatic my teen years were for her (I do agree that I was a bit of an arsehole though). The thing is , she was never there. And when she was she was doing housework or watching telly so if I wanted to spend time with her I'd just sit and watch her shows(not exactly appropriate content) for hours. But most of the time I just went and played by myself or read a billion books or go outside.

Everyone I talk to says I was a child so didn't realise the work involved, but I'm a mother too (and I work) so actually it's the other way around. It's becoming more and more obvious all the things she didn't do but she still complains (and did at the time too which made me feel so guilty).

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To me, it sounds like an average childhood, with a mother that was clearly working her socks off to keep a roof over your head.

Did your father read or play with you?

Original poster

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 18:12

Littlecovid · 18/08/2023 18:06

You say 3 people. Was your Dad around? What was his role in all of this?

He did most of the stuff she didn't do when he was around.So he was the only one that ever made me breakfast (at the weekends as he started work too early in the week). He did play with me and taught me how to read and read to me when I was little.He's the one that went to parent teacher meetings and sometimes helped with homework. He also worked and longer hours than my mum so wasn't around as much. Bought some bits for me to eat at school like croissants or mini cakes.The thing is, he never complained or blamed me for his career track , so even if he had done nothing concerning me it would still be different.

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Lastchancechica · 18/08/2023 18:15

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 18:12

He did most of the stuff she didn't do when he was around.So he was the only one that ever made me breakfast (at the weekends as he started work too early in the week). He did play with me and taught me how to read and read to me when I was little.He's the one that went to parent teacher meetings and sometimes helped with homework. He also worked and longer hours than my mum so wasn't around as much. Bought some bits for me to eat at school like croissants or mini cakes.The thing is, he never complained or blamed me for his career track , so even if he had done nothing concerning me it would still be different.

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So your mother was left working full time, doing 100% of the housework whilst he got to do the fun stuff with you,? I guess that is why she complained and he didn’t.

Original poster

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 18:18

@Lastchancechica she was home at 3:30 every day and we weren't poor. Both parents worked , pretty good jobs. Just no real interest in me , bar buying me expensive,pretty dresses which I then got in trouble for getting dirty , do I wasn't a particular fan. Yes my dad did do those things when he could up until I was about 8.

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Lastchancechica · 18/08/2023 18:22

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 18:18

@Lastchancechica she was home at 3:30 every day and we weren't poor. Both parents worked , pretty good jobs. Just no real interest in me , bar buying me expensive,pretty dresses which I then got in trouble for getting dirty , do I wasn't a particular fan. Yes my dad did do those things when he could up until I was about 8.

You sound resentful, but it really sounds like she tried her best. She wanted to be at home with you. She clearly loved you, her way of expressing that was with presents.

Lastchancechica · 18/08/2023 18:23

What was her childhood like? If no one modelled affection and play she may not have known this was part of her role as a mother. Do you think she loved you?

Original poster

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 18:27

She clearly loved you,

How?!? You made up the presents thing. Clothes that look pretty but are impractical and I didn't want because I couldn't play in them or I'd risk being in trouble (and not just a telling off) weren't presents. I needed proper glasses for years, I needed at least one dentist checkup before being old enough to earn my own money and go by myself, I needed to be taken to the doctor because of my periods, I needed a mum that was actually there to do things with/for me , not just a warm body in the house.

Where exactly is that love?

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NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/08/2023 18:29

he started work too early in the week

So did your mother if she'd already left the house as well. The 3pm finish also suggests that she started early but had to be back because your father wasn't there - and she would have been restricted not just to jobs that started and finished early, but would also allow time in the holidays (you don't mention spending the summer holidays unattended from the age of 5).

Plenty of firms still discriminate against women with children even now, never mind in the 90s when you could pretty much guarantee if you didn't have a long term, secure job in the public sector, that you'd be 'made redundant' the moment your maternity protections ended.

As a man, he wouldn't have had his career damaged by being a parent. He wouldn't have had his ability to be reliable, timekeeping, attendance and to concentrate (or any likelihood of having a second child) questioned by the very fact of your existence.

Even the appointments or parents' meetings could be a problem - many places refused time off during the working day for your own medical appointments, never mind a child's.

It's a different landscape out there now compared to twenty or thirty years ago in terms of being a working mother.

Original poster

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 18:40

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/08/2023 18:29

he started work too early in the week

So did your mother if she'd already left the house as well. The 3pm finish also suggests that she started early but had to be back because your father wasn't there - and she would have been restricted not just to jobs that started and finished early, but would also allow time in the holidays (you don't mention spending the summer holidays unattended from the age of 5).

Plenty of firms still discriminate against women with children even now, never mind in the 90s when you could pretty much guarantee if you didn't have a long term, secure job in the public sector, that you'd be 'made redundant' the moment your maternity protections ended.

As a man, he wouldn't have had his career damaged by being a parent. He wouldn't have had his ability to be reliable, timekeeping, attendance and to concentrate (or any likelihood of having a second child) questioned by the very fact of your existence.

Even the appointments or parents' meetings could be a problem - many places refused time off during the working day for your own medical appointments, never mind a child's.

It's a different landscape out there now compared to twenty or thirty years ago in terms of being a working mother.

Nope. Summer hols I was home alone or with grandparents, then we'd have a 10 day holiday as a family.

Before I got to school age she used to work shifts (mornings,afternoons or nights) then got a higher position (think management) which meant she was working mornings only and in a very female oriented career.So she actually had career progression,but obviously more responsibility. That is the job she stayed in until she retired, but apparently she had another offer but she needed to do a two week course and she couldn't leave me so she missed out on that. I was 11 by then, plenty of years of fending by myself and dad got home at 5 so only 2 extra hours .

Dad was navy but stationed on land in a training base. So he had a pretty regular schedule too , just longer hours and commute.

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CurlewKate · 18/08/2023 18:48

@ShineLikeA
I don't think I understand your question -- how could you be a parent with a child living with you but never read to or play with them, or take them to school, or help with homework?

I know a lot of parents exactly like this.