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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-law feuds and weddings

56 replies

Bloodyinlaws · 18/08/2023 07:59

Please help give me some perspective. My husband, children and I live in another country to his family. We have a strained relationship because his brother + brothers ex wife pushed us away from the whole family many years ago. We moved and now live a happy life with minimal contact.

Fast forward to last year, brothers wife left him. He contacts us saying it was her
who stopped him seeing us. He met someone else immediately, got engaged and is getting married. We have been invited but it is during the UK school term. I said we would have to wait until our children start school in Sept 2024 to find out if we can take them out for the Dec 2024 wedding.

BIL is now telling anyone that will listen that I am being difficult, that it is better for our children to have a family holiday than school anyway and that he planned the wedding so that we could go. He didn’t even contact us before booking anything so that isn’t true.

Now all the family are on my case, and I can feel myself wanting to mention that if his wife hadn’t left we’d still be excluded from the family so why on earth are we yet again in the wrong!

I don’t want to book flights until we have approval from our children’s school to take them out. Am I being unreasonable? 💐

OP posts:
luckylavender · 18/08/2023 08:02

I wouldn't be taking them out based on that back history.

Azandme · 18/08/2023 08:02

After he's said all of that I wouldn't be asking the school - I'd be declining the invitation.

You've had a glimpse through the curtains that were previously closed to you and the show is still shit. Why would you go in and sit down?

Hoppinggreen · 18/08/2023 08:03

You won’t get approval from school so don’t wait for that
I probably wouldn’t be making the effort to go though, BIL sounds like a Dick

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 18/08/2023 08:04

Ask who will be paying the fines should you get any.... Bet they want you for photos..

PoppyFleur · 18/08/2023 08:04

Where is your DH in all this, why isn’t he communicating with his own brother on arrangements?

Your BIL seems to enjoy drama, stop playing into his game and leave future comms to your DH.

ErinAoife · 18/08/2023 08:05

No you are not being unreasonable to wait to have permission from school to bring your children to the wedding. I would not bother going with a mentality like theirs, your husband can go on his own if he wants to go. In laws except rare exception will drop you if you and your husband break up even if you were not at fault. I know from experience.

Original poster
Bloodyinlaws · 18/08/2023 08:06

Thank you all, these are exactly my thoughts. We’re only there so that he looks like the hero inviting us.

OP posts:
BippityBoppityBooHooHoo · 18/08/2023 08:06

I wouldn't be asking to take them out of school, I would just decline. What does your husband say? Why is he not dealing with this?

Doingmybest12 · 18/08/2023 08:06

It sounds like the situation is more of the same. If he booked it so you could go it would be in school holidays. I wouldn't want to get embroiled in more drama so would just say for DP to go and then ignore.

BoohooWoohoo · 18/08/2023 08:07

School isn't allowed to approve the holiday. BIL is expecting you to go regardless. How many days of school would they miss?

Ragwort · 18/08/2023 08:08

Just don't go, apart from the family drama, costs etc it's ridiculous to take DC out of school to attend a wedding. Your DH can go alone if he wants to.

BoohooWoohoo · 18/08/2023 08:08

I would have no qualms declining on behalf of myself and the kids. (Does your h want to attend?)

Will there be family events before the wedding like Christmas 2023 to worry about?

cancan678 · 18/08/2023 08:09

If you want to heal the rift and you can afford it then go. The school won't/can't approve it but don't let that stop you. As long as it's not an exam year for your kids it's fine as a one off

MadamWhiteleigh · 18/08/2023 08:10

Yeah, you won’t get permission from the school so that’s neither here nor there.

What you do depends on whether you want to repair the relationship with him. He’s not giving you much reason to so far.

Phillipa12 · 18/08/2023 08:14

It's very doubtful that you would get the schools permission but you also don't need the schools permission, you just might get fined, and would your bil be willing to pay that. Based on previous behaviour and the fuss that your bil is creating now I would just say no, sorry can't make it and leave the drama well alone. I bet you that you will be deemed responsible for something else that you had no decision over between now and the wedding anyway!

Allinadayswork80 · 18/08/2023 08:15

What’s your DH’s stance on all this? Does HE want to go and mend bridges? If he doesn’t feel strongly about it then I wouldn’t bother with the cost, hassle and stress and I’d politely decline.

Fishhhh · 18/08/2023 08:16

I think you are being difficult. Just book the flights. It’s a family wedding and you don’t need school permission to attend important life events. Simply email the school and state that you’ve booked flights for a family wedding and will be away from x date to x date. The worst school can do is say he/she can’t authorise the time off (because the head is under pressure to maximise attendance) but this should not impact wether to attend the wedding or not. You still attend the wedding regardless. You will not get into trouble, the worst that could happen is a £60 fine per parent if it’s a couple of weeks off.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 18/08/2023 08:17

School will never authorise an absence for a wedding trip.

But you say your children are just starting school? Will they be 4? If you are in Rngland They can’t fine you until a certain age, I am not sure of the details but other posters will be. How many days would they miss? Personally I wouldn’t take a child out of Reception for two weeks, but I would Friday and Monday for a long weekend.

I think YANBU to make whatever decision you and your DH make about attending but YABU to say you can’t let them know until the September.

But the situation is already fraught and feuding, so damage is done.

And your DH should be the one communicating and taking the flak.

AnneElliott · 18/08/2023 08:20

I wouldn't wait for the school. They'll say no so the question is do you want to go or not?

I can understand declining based on the previous history but I guess your DH should make the decisions as it's his brother?

Fishhhh · 18/08/2023 08:20

A family week away with lesser known extended family and important life celebrations will be far more enriching and meaningful then a week in school.

TheBeesKnee · 18/08/2023 08:20

What a nasty man and family. Of course it was all his ex wife's fault, just like everything is now going to be your fault 🙄

I think I might have been tempted to go before he started abusing you and the family rallied around to pressure you. At this point it's a matter of principle and I will not be teaching anyone that I can be harangued into compliance - especially at the expense of my children's education!

I echo PPs that you should let your DH deal with communicating with his family but be prepared to be cast as the bad guy anyway.

Fishhhh · 18/08/2023 08:21

Does your DH want to go?

TeacheeTeacherson · 18/08/2023 08:26

As per pp, school cannot give permission/authorise the absence but you could still go anyway if you wanted. Children have to miss 15 days of school (ie three weeks) for you to get fined, at least in my area. But your BIL sounds nasty!

HamishTheCamel · 18/08/2023 08:27

Do your DC start reception in Sept 2024? Will they still be under 5 in Dec 2024? If so you can't be fined.

Pottedpalm · 18/08/2023 08:29

Ragwort · 18/08/2023 08:08

Just don't go, apart from the family drama, costs etc it's ridiculous to take DC out of school to attend a wedding. Your DH can go alone if he wants to.

Why is it ridiculous? A family wedding is important ( in general, not specifically this one) and a ridiculous fuss is made about children missing a bit of school. A large part of the school day is spent moving about, getting organised, tidying, breaks… not every minute is spent in valuable learning, especially if DC are young. I would have no qualms about taking DC out for a wedding. I’m a teacher.