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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-law feuds and weddings

56 replies

Bloodyinlaws · 18/08/2023 07:59

Please help give me some perspective. My husband, children and I live in another country to his family. We have a strained relationship because his brother + brothers ex wife pushed us away from the whole family many years ago. We moved and now live a happy life with minimal contact.

Fast forward to last year, brothers wife left him. He contacts us saying it was her
who stopped him seeing us. He met someone else immediately, got engaged and is getting married. We have been invited but it is during the UK school term. I said we would have to wait until our children start school in Sept 2024 to find out if we can take them out for the Dec 2024 wedding.

BIL is now telling anyone that will listen that I am being difficult, that it is better for our children to have a family holiday than school anyway and that he planned the wedding so that we could go. He didn’t even contact us before booking anything so that isn’t true.

Now all the family are on my case, and I can feel myself wanting to mention that if his wife hadn’t left we’d still be excluded from the family so why on earth are we yet again in the wrong!

I don’t want to book flights until we have approval from our children’s school to take them out. Am I being unreasonable? 💐

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 18/08/2023 08:29

What does your DH, the brother of the groom here, say on the situation? Does he want to go?

His brother is a very weak willed man - laying all of the blame on his former wife for why you were all ostracised from the family. He had a hand to play in all of that. He really did. He could have told his wife to stop (if indeed she was the root of the issues). He chose not to.

My honest opinion based on what you've posted is to send a lovely regrets card saying that you wish them well but you will not be attending the wedding.

Original poster
Bloodyinlaws · 18/08/2023 08:30

DH would like to go, he doesn’t get as frustrated with the injustice as I do! He grew up with these nutters and the dynamic is relatively unchanged.

I agree BIL loves the drama and is toxic, but I also take on board that we could help repair a rift that doesn’t need to drag on.

Thanks for the advice re: school, fines, education etc.

OP posts:
DingDongDenny · 18/08/2023 08:32

How come the brother was able to alienate DH from the whole family. It sounds like there is a golden child / scapegoat dynamic going on. In which case your life is probably more peaceful without them

Anothernamethesamegame · 18/08/2023 08:34

Bloodyinlaws · 18/08/2023 08:30

DH would like to go, he doesn’t get as frustrated with the injustice as I do! He grew up with these nutters and the dynamic is relatively unchanged.

I agree BIL loves the drama and is toxic, but I also take on board that we could help repair a rift that doesn’t need to drag on.

Thanks for the advice re: school, fines, education etc.

“Repair a rift that doesn’t need to drag on”- but it will drag on, because BIL is already being unreasonable and manipulative isn’t he. I wouldn’t play his game if I were you and tell him now that he has bad mouthed you you won’t be attending regardless of anything else. Then ignore all his messages.
nonpoint trying to have a reasonable relationship with someone unreasonable:

you’re getting dragged back in to a toxic situation after having extricated
yourself from one before.

Dellarobia · 18/08/2023 08:35

I can understand BIL feeling frustrated that you want to wait a whole year before letting him know. (Is that right? Sept 2024?)

MzHz · 18/08/2023 08:40

@Bloodyinlaws if you want to go, then go.

im not one for taking kids out of school at all…

HOWEVER…

if they’re under 5 it’s not legally required to be in school. In December practically no real work is being done past reading and spellings, you can support that.

if the trip was right at the beginning of term, I’d be worried it would get in the way of them settling in, making friendships etc etc, but by December they will be settled and have made some good friends most likely.

if they’re under 5 this is THE last time you can take them out, everything else will be unauthorised

thT said, I took my dc out after lunchtime on a Friday once for a weekend sports tournament far away and that was authorised. I informed them, didn’t ask for permission 😆

If you want to go, and if you would ordinarily go if the kids weren’t in school, I think you could justify going if you think it’ll be a good experience

VictoriaVenkman · 18/08/2023 08:47

He contacts us saying it was her who stopped him seeing us.

Yeah, right.

MrsMarzetti · 18/08/2023 08:55

Azandme · 18/08/2023 08:02

After he's said all of that I wouldn't be asking the school - I'd be declining the invitation.

You've had a glimpse through the curtains that were previously closed to you and the show is still shit. Why would you go in and sit down?

^ This

DinnaeFashYersel · 18/08/2023 09:02

Based on the back story I might not bother.

But if it's just based on the below YABU

don’t want to book flights until we have approval from our children’s school to take them out

Your children are young enough to not affect their schooling. School will say no. You will get a find. You just factor the fine into the cost of going.

Overall an olive branch has been offered. If you don't take it there may not be another. If you are fine with that then don't go. Otherwise you need to go.

Daffodilwoman · 18/08/2023 09:02

If he was my bil I would not be attending his wedding under any circumstances. He treats you like dog poo. Grow a spine and tell him to f* off.
It is very clear how little he thinks of you. What he has done is a great excuse to make sure your dcs don’t attend his wedding. He didn’t want to see you when he was married to wife number 1, he doesn’t want to see you now he is with wife number 2.

SuperSange · 18/08/2023 09:07

You're inviting chaos back into your life. Why? Just decline. You know you're being used, so why allow it?

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 18/08/2023 09:11

Sounds like his ex did you a favour keeping him away.

cocoloco117 · 18/08/2023 09:12

I doubt any ‘rifts’ will be healed by your attendance, they want you there for self serving reasons. Don’t expect any meaningful change on their part, or in how your dh reacts to them. Their relationship dynamic has been ingrained over many years, as you say he was raised by these nutters, old habits die hard.

Daffodilwoman · 18/08/2023 09:12

Also do you really believe that an outsider (SIL) managed to persuade her husband, his mother, father, all siblings and possibly grandparents, aunts & uncles to fall out with their son and his wife? Really. Think about it.
No, I don’t know any family who would do this.

Nanny0gg · 18/08/2023 09:15

Bloodyinlaws · 18/08/2023 08:30

DH would like to go, he doesn’t get as frustrated with the injustice as I do! He grew up with these nutters and the dynamic is relatively unchanged.

I agree BIL loves the drama and is toxic, but I also take on board that we could help repair a rift that doesn’t need to drag on.

Thanks for the advice re: school, fines, education etc.

Then your husband can go on his own

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 18/08/2023 09:45

Trouble with repairing the rift is you have to see them again.

Former mil tells anyone who’ll listen I kept dh away from sil but sil is a train wreck and he didn’t want to see her.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 18/08/2023 10:29

DH would like to go, he doesn’t get as frustrated with the injustice as I do! He grew up with these nutters and the dynamic is relatively unchanged.

So don’t interfere, it’s his family not yours. Don’t poke and stoke the situation.

Look up your council’s approach to school attendance. Most don’t fine unless children miss more than 5 days. Most don’t fine until the child legally has to be in school ( the term following their 5th birthday).

Make a decision now: DH can go on his own , be ‘delighted’ that he is able to attend, or say you have now researched and are ‘delighted’ to discover that the trip is possible with only a few days school absence and there will be no fine so are really happy to go.

Or get your DH to send a really gracious ‘so sorry we can’t come, we would have loved to, but the logistics of school / travel make it impossible’

Tbh unless it really would be very very difficult it is pretty bad to be awkward about a sibling’s wedding, no matter how drama-based their own behaviour. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/08/2023 10:50

Fishhhh · 18/08/2023 08:16

I think you are being difficult. Just book the flights. It’s a family wedding and you don’t need school permission to attend important life events. Simply email the school and state that you’ve booked flights for a family wedding and will be away from x date to x date. The worst school can do is say he/she can’t authorise the time off (because the head is under pressure to maximise attendance) but this should not impact wether to attend the wedding or not. You still attend the wedding regardless. You will not get into trouble, the worst that could happen is a £60 fine per parent if it’s a couple of weeks off.

The brother in law is a prick and she's the difficult one?

Bizarre

Cherrysoup · 18/08/2023 11:12

DP can go, you stay at home with your dc. Your bil can shove it, frankly.

Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 18/08/2023 11:16

can DH just go and you and DC stay at home?

Grumpusaurus · 18/08/2023 11:18

Just tell BIL you will go to his next wedding.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/08/2023 11:46

Grumpusaurus · 18/08/2023 11:18

Just tell BIL you will go to his next wedding.

This is the best suggestion so far! 😂😆

Original poster
Bloodyinlaws · 18/08/2023 13:13

@Grumpusaurus hahaha absolutely brilliant, yes this is exactly what I’ll do 🙌 😂

OP posts:
Ragwort · 18/08/2023 19:19

Pottedpalm we will have to agree to disagree, I am one of 'those' mumsnetters who sees weddings as frankly as waste of time, effort and money .. I wouldn't dream of missing a day's work or my DC missing school to attend a wedding. There's a lot more useful life lessons and experiences to be had than going to a wedding ...

Original poster
Bloodyinlaws · 19/08/2023 07:17

Thank you @Ragwort and everyone else for your replies. I also think weddings are a bit blurgh, and second weddings even more so!!

I spoke to DH last night and we have agreed that he will go to the wedding, I will stay at home with DC. We’re all happy with that outcome.

OP posts: