Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suddenly think maybe they're not my friends!

66 replies

Troyes76 · 17/08/2023 14:02

My local friends all have younger children than I do, we all chat about how the kids are doing, share photos etc on Messenger - this year some of their students have had nursery and primary 'graduations' etc, waiting for secondary school allocations. I always check in with them, share their celebrations, offer support .

So today, A Level results day for my DD - nothing from any of them either today or beforehand to support or see how we are. They know DD is getting her results today and how hard she has worked (she's OK :))

AIBU to expect a few supportive comments or is this a good indication that I need to move on from this group?

OP posts:
SpringSparrow · 17/08/2023 14:10

They may not want to ask in case it has gone badly for her so they are waiting for you to say something. I guess a “good luck hope it goes well” would have been nice. Mine are further on and my friends do ask how they are doing . But also if you aren’t at that stage then maybe it’s just not on their radar. My dd should have graduated this year but none of her work had been marked due to the marking Strike by lecturers. A lot of my friends are unaware of the marking strike.

Puffypuffin · 17/08/2023 14:13

Not sure you need to 'move on' from the group. It would have been nice if they'd asked but if they don't have children that age they probably haven't given it much thought.

GreenHillsBlueSky · 17/08/2023 14:13

It’s still quite early in the day. I wouldn’t write them off until bed time, they might message you later.

threeblowdries · 17/08/2023 14:14

I think until you have kids yourself that are going through these you may not realise the significance of them.
I certainly didn't. until my kids reached these milestones they didn't register with me for others.
Maybe because my kids are the oldest in the family so I never saw these milestones through nephews or nieces either.

Coffeaddict · 17/08/2023 14:15

They may not know its today. I only remembered because a neighbour posted in our street whats app about her daughter having a few friends over to celebrate. It may just be a different stage of life thing.

Hufflepods · 17/08/2023 14:15

I would have no clue with A level results day was as I don't have kids in that bracket.
I think it's really up to you to bring it up and you're being oversensitive by getting upset over this.

threeblowdries · 17/08/2023 14:16

Although I understand it is disheartening, I wouldn't take this alone as a good indication that you need to move on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/08/2023 14:16

They're probably waiting to hear how it went, if they’re aware it’s happening. Rather than feeling put out why not share the good news and give them a chance to respond with congratulations?

Janieforever · 17/08/2023 14:17

I think if you messaged them she got x y or z, they’d comment, but I’d nit expect them to reach out and ask no, and I find it odd you want to end friendships over it.

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 17/08/2023 14:17

Maybe they don’t like to ask in case she didn’t do well

CantFindTheBeat · 17/08/2023 14:17

Hmmm... don't know. Do you feel they don't proactively support you in other things, OP?

I have two friends with children getting results today. I sent both of them a 'good luck tomorrow, fingers crossed' WhatsApp, then waited for them to message me today.

I have got children who've been through A levels though, so I'm very well versed in the stress. Not sure it would have been as much on my radar if it hadn't.

EhrlicheFrau · 17/08/2023 14:18

They're maybe waiting for you/her to announce the grades before they say anything?

SkaterBrained · 17/08/2023 14:18

Did you start the conversation on the topic or expect them to because of her age? It isn't clear when you say they knew.

If you expected them to ask without you prompting, then you are being dramatic and a bit daft. If you wrote something like "A level results tomorrow... eeek" and nobody said good luck or anything, then that's worse.

CremeEggThief · 17/08/2023 14:19

I wouldn't ditch them over it, but yes it's a bit insensitive of them. I've made the effort to check in on the two friends' kids I know who sat them and wish tem good luck, so I don't get why people wouldn't really...

10HailMarys · 17/08/2023 14:21

If you share the news of your daughter’s results with them, I’m sure they’ll congratulate you or offer support.

I wouldn’t expect friends to twig that it was results day and proactively get in touch to offer support or ask how she did, though.

They’re your friends, but (and I don’t mean this unkindly) your daughter’s exams are not likely to be at the top of their list of priorities and things to think about. It’s a big deal to you, and rightly so, but I don’t think other people will give it much headspace when they’ve got their own lives and families to deal with.

I don’t have kids and the only reason I know it’s results day is because I listen to the news multiple times a day and they’ve mentioned it. I wouldn’t have had a clue otherwise. I’ve paid no attention to it since I got my own results 30 years ago, to be honest.

Elisebev · 17/08/2023 14:22

i don’t have kids but have a few friends/colleagues who have kids getting results. I am a bit apprehensive asking in case it hasn’t gone well

Crossstich · 17/08/2023 14:25

They might be waiting for you to tell them. I don't ask people about their children's results in case they didn't get what they wanted.
Also maybe it's just not dawned on them yet that it is results day.

shoofly · 17/08/2023 14:27

We have AS results in our house today. My son would be mortified if I stuck it on Social media, I'm so proud of him and can't brag lol.
But I wouldn't dream of messaging anyone and asking how their kids have got on in case a) it hasn't gone so well or b) in case they thought I was bragging.

So all I can say is Hope its gone well and honestly its unlikely to be on your friends radar or they might be unsure about raising it

Cowlover89 · 17/08/2023 14:30

They might be waiting for you to message. X

Pinkdelight3 · 17/08/2023 14:31

Why don't you post if you're wanting to share something, either good or bad? Don't see why you'd need to wait for them to check in like it's a friendship test, or why you'd need to move on from the group if they fail that test. i messaged my SIL earlier to ask how her kid did, but even then I hesitated as it sounds nosey and they could be dealing with upset and what business is it of mine really. Most people would wait to be told and then congratulate or commiserate.

Dogsaresooomucheasier · 17/08/2023 14:34

YANBU to expect something from
them however if they have little ones I’m guessing they are so wrapped up in getting them to nursery/entertaining over the summer hols etc - maybe wait until bedtime before you get too annoyed!

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 14:35

You're taking this way too personally. They probably haven't even thought about it and why would they? It's just A levels, and if you haven't gone through it yet with your own kids you wouldnt think of it.

GoodChat · 17/08/2023 14:36

I'm panic thinking now whether anyone I know will have collected their results and whether I'm supposed to message.

I think you're taking this too personally.

squashi · 17/08/2023 14:41

Unless there are other reasons why you want to move on from your friendship group, this seems like quite a small thing. They may have forgotten it's results day or be planning to message you later.
I have friends whose children are getting their results today - I'm keen to know how they've done, but I think it's polite/tactful to wait a while (or wait for them to message first) rather than start asking early in the day. They might be disappointed with their results, have clearing to sort or relatives to contact. I'd be disconcerted to discover that anyone was reevaluating their friendship with me because I haven't texted them at 3 p.m. on results day.

swanling · 17/08/2023 14:46

It's only lunchtime and I wouldn't end friendships over it, but I think it's fair to expect people who care about you to make an effort about something like this that is quite obviously an important day.

I think "oh they might be worried it's bad news" is a crap excuse, same as it's a crap excuse for people ghosting someone after a bereavement because "they didn't know what to say".

I also don't see how anyone who went through the school system in this country or ever glanced at the news can claim to be unaware of the significance of Alevel results day, regardless of age of their own kids. That's not very credible.