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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suddenly think maybe they're not my friends!

66 replies

Troyes76 · 17/08/2023 14:02

My local friends all have younger children than I do, we all chat about how the kids are doing, share photos etc on Messenger - this year some of their students have had nursery and primary 'graduations' etc, waiting for secondary school allocations. I always check in with them, share their celebrations, offer support .

So today, A Level results day for my DD - nothing from any of them either today or beforehand to support or see how we are. They know DD is getting her results today and how hard she has worked (she's OK :))

AIBU to expect a few supportive comments or is this a good indication that I need to move on from this group?

OP posts:
chopc · 17/08/2023 14:47

Nope I always wait for someone to tell me their DC exam results and don't pressure them. Usually if it's good news they will share early and won't share if it's bad news until later in the day

If you told them the outcome and they all ignored then I would move on

Original poster
Troyes76 · 17/08/2023 14:50

Thanks everyone, I am aware that I’m overthinking today, I’m feeling a bit fragile as DD got lower than expected so we had an awful hour waiting to see if she’d got her place.

I should have said, 3 of them are secondary teachers who teach. Level, so they are aware it’s today. I never post anything on social media about my kids but we do share stuff in the group.

OP posts:
kweeble · 17/08/2023 14:54

It is up to you to share news if you want to do so; especially with older children, who are now adults, it isn't just your info to share so I wouldn't ask in case there was a problem.

Pinkdelight3 · 17/08/2023 14:55

Oh okay well if they're a-level teachers, don't you think they're probably pre-occupied with the students they've been steering through it? Your DC won't be top of their minds on a day like today and that's nothing personal. It's work to them. Sounds like it would've been a bad time to pry anyway, while you're dealing with your dd's stress. Could've been awkward for them and for you.

Hottoffeesauce · 17/08/2023 14:55

I've got friends with children getting A Level results today but I wouldn't dream of checking in with them until they make the first move and announce whatever they want to announce. Just in case the results are upsetting or have caused stress.

Ducksinthebath · 17/08/2023 15:04

Troyes76 · 17/08/2023 14:50

Thanks everyone, I am aware that I’m overthinking today, I’m feeling a bit fragile as DD got lower than expected so we had an awful hour waiting to see if she’d got her place.

I should have said, 3 of them are secondary teachers who teach. Level, so they are aware it’s today. I never post anything on social media about my kids but we do share stuff in the group.

And it’s situations like this that are probably the reason they don’t raise it until they get a cue.

MorrisZapp · 17/08/2023 15:22

So she got lower than hoped for results, and you haven't shared the news, but you want them to ask you then you'll share? Don't know if I'm reading that right.

Just put a message on the chat if you're looking for support, if they're teachers they'll have helpful advice to give.

GoodChat · 17/08/2023 15:32

3 of them are secondary teachers who teach. Level, so they are aware it’s today.

So today they'll be focussing on their jobs, surely?

Thankgoodnessforabitofsun · 17/08/2023 15:36

As their children are at such a different stage, have they probably forgotten? I wouldn’t take it too personally if so

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/08/2023 15:39

Troyes76 · 17/08/2023 14:50

Thanks everyone, I am aware that I’m overthinking today, I’m feeling a bit fragile as DD got lower than expected so we had an awful hour waiting to see if she’d got her place.

I should have said, 3 of them are secondary teachers who teach. Level, so they are aware it’s today. I never post anything on social media about my kids but we do share stuff in the group.

Did she get her first choice place?

Original poster
Troyes76 · 17/08/2023 16:03

Good to get different feedback, thanks.
I would always message them the day before just to be supportive, that’s what I’ve always done with their important times so a little surprised and as I say, feeling much more fragile than usual!

OP posts:
Manthide · 19/08/2023 06:58

If they don't have dc in that age bracket they probably didn't realise your dd was getting her results today. Ds got his 2 years ago and I vaguely knew when it was - a Thursday in August but only looked it up when I realised a friend's ds would be getting his results. Dd3 is going into y11 and I only know when gcse results day is because a friend at work is having the day off to take her son to school for his results.

FedUpMumof10YO · 19/08/2023 07:09

OP, is this just about A level results? If so, I would write it off.

If it's just one example in a whole line of stuff, then deffo time to reevaluate.

CurlewKate · 19/08/2023 07:11

I tend not to ask and wait to be told. Just in case things haven't gone well.

RuthW · 19/08/2023 07:28

If you don't have children of that age, results day passes you by. I wouldn't have given it a second thought until dd was nearly that age.

Dontjudgeme101 · 19/08/2023 07:33

I can understand how you are feeling op. I would feel the same. 💐💐

Duechristmas · 19/08/2023 08:17

People with tiny children can live in a bubble as the physical graft is so so encompassing. It's really rubbish that they didn't ask but not unsurprising.

Hummingbird89 · 19/08/2023 08:22

I think you’re taking this too personally, are you close friends? I ask because it would take a hell of a lot for me to “walk away” from my close friendship group. A lot more than this.
If you’d posted her results in your WhatsApp group and gone ignored, I would understand a bit more. But expecting them to remember and message is a bit silly, people are so busy with their own lives. I’m sure it wasn’t done maliciously.

StopStartStop · 19/08/2023 08:37

I think it indicates you expect too much from them, OP.

Createausername1970 · 19/08/2023 08:42

swanling · 17/08/2023 14:46

It's only lunchtime and I wouldn't end friendships over it, but I think it's fair to expect people who care about you to make an effort about something like this that is quite obviously an important day.

I think "oh they might be worried it's bad news" is a crap excuse, same as it's a crap excuse for people ghosting someone after a bereavement because "they didn't know what to say".

I also don't see how anyone who went through the school system in this country or ever glanced at the news can claim to be unaware of the significance of Alevel results day, regardless of age of their own kids. That's not very credible.

I have two close friends and we have been through tough times together. I don't think I specifically messaged them to find out their kids A Level results. One child definitely did A levels, not sure about the others. I am sure we probably discussed it, and discussed whether they were going to Uni or not. But it really wasn't a thing.

ittakes2 · 19/08/2023 08:46

I didn’t realise the significance of a levels when I had young kids. My kids are just starting a levels - so while I do get how important they are - I would not be breaking up a friendship over my friends not wishing them well.

fedupnow2 · 19/08/2023 09:15

Puffypuffin · 17/08/2023 14:13

Not sure you need to 'move on' from the group. It would have been nice if they'd asked but if they don't have children that age they probably haven't given it much thought.

Honestly this. My dc are far from there yet and I didn't even know when the exams were let alone results day!

10HailMarys · 19/08/2023 09:39

I should have said, 3 of them are secondary teachers who teach. Level, so they are aware it’s today

If they teach A-level, they have A LOT more to worry about on results day than proactively messaging support to friends with teenagers!

It’s a big deal for teachers because the results can reflect on them too and they often also have kids from their class approaching them about what to do if they’ve done badly, what their options are etc. They’re probably really stressed and busy.

DameCurlyBassey · 19/08/2023 09:52

My friends texted us to let us know the results and we all replied with congratulations and said how proud we were. I think it was better this way. If the results had been a disaster it would have been awful for them to receive loads of emails asking about DD’s results.

So, I suggest you text them with an update.

DameCurlyBassey · 19/08/2023 09:54

DameCurlyBassey · 19/08/2023 09:52

My friends texted us to let us know the results and we all replied with congratulations and said how proud we were. I think it was better this way. If the results had been a disaster it would have been awful for them to receive loads of emails asking about DD’s results.

So, I suggest you text them with an update.

Now I think about it you said your daughter struggled which may be another reason they are giving you the space to contact them. If this is the case your friendship group is fine. You have sensitive supportive friends.