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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think someone who drinks every single night has some kind of problem

56 replies

Lill1e · 17/08/2023 10:51

This man im asking about is a lovely person. Works every day, very kind person, very good around the house for cleaning and cooking and helping his partner (my friend) but has never gone more than 2 nights without drinking cans. Will have at least 7 or 8 cans every single night, sometimes more depending on what time he starts drinking. His job isn't a stressful one so it's not to de-stress after work but he says it's a comfort thing for him. I dont buy it I think he has a problem. She has 2 boys, one is a teen and she doesn't like him drinking like that in front of them but still doesn't think he has a problem. Am I just being OTT or is this normal for some people???

OP posts:

takealettermsjones · 17/08/2023 10:55

I thought you were going to say a glass of wine with dinner every night (which, in my view, is a judgement call) but that amount is a lot. 7 cans a night every night is about 112 units a week. He's at risk of serious health issues if he keeps that up.

AnimalisticBehaviour · 17/08/2023 10:58

You're not in his head to know if he is stressed or not.
It's a lot to drink but so what? Loads of people have unhealthy habits. Mind your own business.

Devilsmommy · 17/08/2023 10:59

I believe this is what's called a functional alcoholic

Brightandshining · 17/08/2023 11:00

For me that would be a problem, it would make me very ill. But I also know people who have done this and lived in good health till ripe old ages.
Generational as well. My parents would always have wine with dinner, every single night. I couldn't fathom that as an adult personally.
So it depends on the persons constitution. Is it negatively effecting him? Is it getting in the way of his life or effecting his health? Those are things id look at rather than the specific amount as we all have different bodies which can handle different thing. Id say its a problem if its actually causing any problems

Elizabethwalton · 17/08/2023 11:00

Yes..its too much..he has a problem.

Lavender14 · 17/08/2023 11:00

I agree it's not really your business it's between him and your friend really but I'd say yes he's a functioning alcoholic.

Anxioys · 17/08/2023 11:02

Yes they do have a problem! Drinking every night, alcohol has a psychological grip on you at least.

Original poster

Lill1e · 17/08/2023 11:02

AnimalisticBehaviour · 17/08/2023 10:58

You're not in his head to know if he is stressed or not.
It's a lot to drink but so what? Loads of people have unhealthy habits. Mind your own business.

I'm not in his head but there are other ways to deal with stress if he is indeed stressed. I'm not going to interfere, I do mind my business and I don't get involved but I can see its a worry for my friend even though she doesn't want to admit it

OP posts:

HangingOver · 17/08/2023 11:02

I went into treatment for drinking less than that

ManateeFair · 17/08/2023 11:12

Drinking one can a night - not a problem.
Drinking 7 or 8 cans a night - a problem.

Original poster

Lill1e · 17/08/2023 11:13

HangingOver · 17/08/2023 11:02

I went into treatment for drinking less than that

Sometimes it can be more than that. She said some nights she can't even understand what he's saying as he gets drunk very quickly most nights. I know she is worried about his health also but she doesn't want to confront him about having a problem even though there have been times he has promised to stay off it during the week especially around the kids but he lasts no longer than 2 nights without it. Always comes up with some excuse to drink

OP posts:

5128gap · 17/08/2023 11:17

Its extremely unhealthy and will without doubt lead to health issues and probably a premature death.
It burns through money.
She doesn't like it.
She thinks it sets a bad example.
Whether she thinks he's an alcoholic or not it obviously is a problem. Whether it's one she's prepared to tolerate due to his other positive traits is up to her. I certainly wouldn't (again).

pizzaHeart · 17/08/2023 11:20

Devilsmommy · 17/08/2023 10:59

I believe this is what's called a functional alcoholic

Agree with this^

CornishGem1975 · 17/08/2023 11:21

Drinking that much every night? Yes. Drinking a glass of wine with dinner every night? Not so much.

LlynTegid · 17/08/2023 11:23

Yes agree a functioning alcoholic. We had one possibly two as Prime Minister, though in one case he was so bone idle in office that the only thing that he seemed to be able to complete was ejaculation.

Janieforever · 17/08/2023 11:24

thats alcoholism, never mind the functioning part. Most alcoholics function until the end stage.

Anxioys · 17/08/2023 11:24

@LlynTegid - fortunately the other one was Winston Churchill

GasPanic · 17/08/2023 11:27

It's a lot.

Depends on the beer a bit. 3.5% beer can be 1.5 units a can, but 5.5% more like 2.5. So units per night on 7 cans can vary between 10.5 and 17.5.

But its still a lot of beer and if the guy isn't an alcoholic already he's going to end up there pretty quickly.

BungleandGeorge · 17/08/2023 11:35

Of course he’s an alcoholic, not sure how anyone could disagree with that. The only person who can change it is him though

zingally · 17/08/2023 11:37

I would say that falls into the category of functional alcoholic. I have a couple of friends who are, sadly, the same. Both hold down decent, professional jobs, but both put away a whole bottle of wine, unaided, most nights of the week.

Soakitup37 · 17/08/2023 11:46

firstly you cannot possibly know his stress level. Alcoholism isn’t a trigger of a bad day or stressful week. It runs much deeper than that. You could live a life of leisure and still be an alcoholic.

you say you’re not getting involved but you clearly are to know so much about his drinking. You say you aren’t judging but you cared enough to write a post about it. Unless you’ve been a victim of someone’s alcoholism you can’t understand.

if you think a good chat or a Ltb stance will help then you’re very much mistaken. Not even your friend can stop him. Only an alcoholic can stop themselves. If you’re trying to be supportive point your friend towards Al-anon.

Sheruns · 17/08/2023 11:48

My dad drank like this all through his adult life. Before he retired he worked away most weekdays so was able to hide it well. In his sixties he now has cirrhosis of the liver and will eventually die from the damage drinking has done to him. It's a cruel decline into ill health and as a child his ability to parent me and safeguard me was at times affected by his drinking.

Daily drinking in any quantity is, IMO, problematic. I don't understand the previous posters who seem to think daily wine with dinner isn't a problem but daily beer is. Even a glass of wine daily would take you well over "safe " weekly unit suggestions.

LarkRize · 17/08/2023 11:48

Alcohol is addictive and he sounds addicted…

hungrycrocodile23 · 17/08/2023 11:51

For me alcoholism is about dependency. Does he need that 7-8 cans a night? Would it be a huge issue if he had to go without? If so it's a problem.

I enjoy a glass of wine some nights, I like a bottle at the weekend. But I can take it or leave it and often do leave it if I have other commitments or just feel a bit tired and shitty. When people need something and will have it at the expense of their health, relationships, work etc then in my view that's addiction.

samqueens · 17/08/2023 12:01

He is an alcoholic. Your friend won’t be able to change that - only he can and first he will have to acknowledge it. Doesn’t sound like that’s going to happen.

I would signpost your friend to Al-anon and Alateen (for her kids if they want it) which is for those affected by someone else’s drinking.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/how-do-i-get-help/

You can access meetings via zoom not just in person. But you (and she) will have to accept that you cannot control what he does on this front.

How do I get help - Al-Anon Family Groups

We want to make it as simple and easy as possible for you to get to a meeting where you will find others who have also had family members or friends who are problem drinkers. The best way to find out what Al-Anon is all about and how we can help you is...

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/how-do-i-get-help/

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