To think someone who drinks every single night has some kind of problem

[Lill1e]

This man im asking about is a lovely person. Works every day, very kind person, very good around the house for cleaning and cooking and helping his partner (my friend) but has never gone more than 2 nights without drinking cans. Will have at least 7 or 8 cans every single night, sometimes more depending on what time he starts drinking. His job isn't a stressful one so it's not to de-stress after work but he says it's a comfort thing for him. I dont buy it I think he has a problem. She has 2 boys, one is a teen and she doesn't like him drinking like that in front of them but still doesn't think he has a problem. Am I just being OTT or is this normal for some people???

Yes, I think he has a drinking problem. I was just about in his position a few years back and really had to rein it in.

At that stage I wasn't physically dependent on alcohol but definitely psychologically, and if I'd let it go much further the only way to be sober would have been to never touch a drop again.

Everyone is different of course but the biggest help for me was to deliberately stay sober in situations where I would normally drink, and swap drinking for another habit (e.g in the evening every time I thought about pouring a glass of wine I'd walk around the block. I ended up getting so annoyed by putting shoes on every 30 minutes that the idea of wine became more irritating than tempting!).

Also tracking my drinking in an app for a couple of months before cutting down, just to get an honest sense of how many units, and how much money, I was getting through.

I agree, as stated by OP he is kind and helpful around the house (as he should be) to her friend.

As long as he doesn't drink and drive....when does he have his last drink and what time is work the next day?

Alcoholism is not how much you drink, it's what happens when you drink.

He’s a drunk. It won’t end well. It’s started to turn sour already.

The ‘functional’ bit of alcoholic is temporary.

I expected to read this and tell you it was fine because there's nothing wrong with drinking smaller amounts per day, but 7 or 8 cans is excessive unless it's really weak beer (less than 2% abv). I'd say 3 to 4 cans of normal strength beer (4-5%) would be fine so double the number of cans means you need to halve the alcohol content.

When someone's in their early 20s 7 or 8 cans might be fine but this shouldn't be sustained by the time they're 30. Normally people just find they can't and don't want to drink quite as much anymore.

I'd be surprised if his job genuinely isn't stressful because everyone I've ever spoken to finds their job stressful most of the time. He's probably putting a brave face on it because if he's drinking because of stress it sounds worse than drinking for the sake of it.

I wouldn't even say hes a functional alcoholic if he's getting drunk every night. My Dad was a functional alcoholic, 2 bottles of a wine a night. He died from liver failure at 56. I'd never seen him drunk, ever. He always went to work and was always absolutely fine. Until he wasn't.

I dumped someone over this as he didn't see an issue
It was 1-2 bottles of wine every single night or 6-8 cans. Every time I heard a can pop or a bottle open I was FFS, and I was always the driver. Ended it

It is not that daily wine is fine, but daily beer isnt.

It is that 1 glass of wine daily would be ok, as would 1 can of beer. But not 7 or 8 cans of beer or near enough 2 bottles of wine a day.

You prefer to not drink daily, and thats healthier, but there is a BIG difference from havng 1 drink every day to having several drinks every single day!

Alcoholism is not how much you drink, it's what happens when you drink.

Absolutely this. There have been studies that have shown, the majority of people who drink to excess (and I mean excess, rather than just daily drinking because that isn't always to excess) are not alcohol dependant. The two things are different.

Drinking daily won't automatically turn you into an alcohol.

•alcoholic

This man be peeing a lot every evening!
Absolutely not good at all drinking this much on a daily basis. I class this as alcoholism.

Probably having one can daily is better for you than having 7 all at once on one day a week.

The binge drinking puts your body under a lot more strain.

Being an alcoholic is also about being dependent on alcohol.

Needing a whole six-pack every day is dependence.

He's an alcoholic.

I don't think one beer or one wine every evening is a problem at all, but drinking to that level every night is for sure, whether it's beer, wine, whatever.

I notice that quite often people on here spend a lot of time debating or making pronouncements on what defines an alcoholic, to them. And I am not sure that's always a helpful way to think about things.

I drank in a way that was problematic (I don't drink any more). But never had any sort of physical dependency on alcohol, so for a long time it was easy for me to tell myself "this is fine - I am not an alcoholic". When in reality my life is much better now I have stopped drinking.

The amount you have to drink to cause liver damage varies hugely from person to person, according to a nurse on the liver ward who I once spoke to about it. This is why you meet some people who drink a massive amount, including binging, but their (physical) health remains fine, while others might experience problems just from, say, half a bottle of wine with dinner every night over a prolonged period ....

This guy the OP talks about - we don't know for sure he is damaging his physical health, but there is certainly a risk of that (and it's not just the liver as we all know - risk of certain types of cancer increases with regular alcohol intake, etc etc). He is certainly also spending a fair amount of money on drink. (one massive benefit I noticed when I quit drinking, and smoking to be fair, was how much money I saved each month). And, you know, maybe he is a "nice drunk" as they go, but I have never met a single person whose personality was actively improved by alcohol - I am sure his family and friends would much rather spend time with a non-drunk version of him ....

So yes it would be better for him to stop doing this, definitely - doesn't really matter if we want to label him as an "alcoholic" or not.....

My ex drank 10+ cans every night. Sometimes wine would be included too. I put up with it for far too long.

I'd say it's a lot but you'll get all the posts on here from the " mummy wine time" club that will say it's not

My dad drank like that for years.

He died aged 63 from alcoholic liver disease and it was a horrific death.

He was 8 cans a night too.

I'd tell your friend to get him help before it's too late

Sounds like common-and-garden variety alcoholism to me.

The thing about ‘functioning’ alcoholics is that the bar is set quite low. If you hold down a job and do some housework, you’re seen as functioning. Except his wife can’t understand what he’s saying he gets so drunk. She’s worried about the effect on their children. So…their relationship and family isn’t really functioning, is it?

Alcoholism is almost always progressive, too. Eventually he will start drinking more, or at inappropriate times, or it will affect his work, or your friend will get fed up and leave, or his health will pack up. Alcoholics don’t function forever.

Regardless, nothing you can do but be there and listen if she wants to talk about it. Not your problem.

there have been times he has promised to stay off it during the week especially around the kids but he lasts no longer than 2 nights without it. Always comes up with some excuse to drink

Sounds familiar. White knuckled through a few days of dry January each year. Always tried to manipulate every activity towards a pub or bar. Always persuading others to have "just one more". Endless mental gymnastics about whether or not to drink that night. Thinking about drink all day. Seeing all of daily life through the lens of either drink or hangover. It's absolutely exhausting.

Thanks everyone for the opinions and advice. I will try to offer her advice but I don't like to bring it up unless she does. I know she loves him dearly and he adores her so I will wait for her to approach me when she's ready but let her know I'm there for her at the same time

You sound like a lovely friend. I wish the best for them both.

I disagree. I feel like one glass of anything a day is too much.

If you drink a drink every single night you have a drink habit regardless of the volume you drink.
If you drink what that man drinks every night then you are into full blown alcoholism and dependency.

And that's ok. But you do understand that it is massively different to have 1 or to have several, yes?

Some people drink wine with their dinner, because they're posh like that.