To go and spend the weekend with my friend under these circumstances?

[beyondtherebound]

Used to have a FWB situation with a man over a period of about 5 years. It started as sex, but over the years, the benefits became very much secondary to the friendship, and he became one of my closest friends. We did sometimes get silly after a few drinks, but not that often in the end.

Then he got into a serious relationship and distanced himself. I've been there myself the other way around. So I was a bit miffed but I understood and was happy he was happy.

I haven't heard from him in 6 months and he called me out the blue to meet for a drink yesterday.

Turns out his GF had upped and left him over night, a couple of weeks back. He came home from a work trip and all her stuff was gone. It sounds horrendous.

Without a doubt he called me thinking a rebound shag would make him feel better (I don't judge him for that, it's very normal to want validation and intimacy a break-up) but instead I forced him to sit down and talk, and he ended up just pouring his heart out for hours. He's completely heartbroken.

I felt absolutely nothing for him except empathy and sadness as his friend. He'd clearly not had a good chance to talk it through with anyone and was so confused and in pain. He's not been eating or sleeping well. I've never seen him like this. Needless to say he didn't get anything from me except a lot of hugs and a listening ear.

He's got to go and cat sit for his parents in Devon for the weekend and asked if I'd go with him, as he was dreading being there alone.

I don't have anything else on and he clearly needs someone to drag him out the house for some air, make sure he eats some proper dinner and let him talk and cry and muddle through it all.

Our relationship has two such distinct sides to it though, that I'm torn.

The friend side of me feels like it's absolutely the right thing to do. He's very dear to me and he's in pain and I'd do it for any one of my female friends, even if they'd been a rubbish friend while they'd been loved-up. I have no doubt that just being there for some company and to make sure he's not wallowing, will absolutely help him get through the worst of it.

The side of me that used to sleep with him though, and knows he also thinks a rebound shag will make him feel better, feels a bit icky about it (although I've got no right to be self righteous about it as I've called on him for the same reason before).

I realise I don't have to sleep with him even if I do go, so it's not the act of it itself, but more just feeling that that part of our past makes it feel a bit less 'above board', to go and spend the weekend with him.

I’d probably go because a weekend in the Devon countryside in the sunshine sounds nice. I would make clear it was friends-only and possibly feel a bit guilty using him for a free summer break.

I think this is exactly how fwb go. You hook up, when one person meets someone else you take a step back, when you're single again you approach the fwb to see if they are available to continue. Keep this going until one breaks it off completely.

I do think it's unrealistic to keep a genuine friendship with someone you've had fwb thing for 5 years while they're in a relationship. And I'm a but dubious about a meaningful deep friendship with someone you're hooking up with. I truly think men and women can be friends but usually if there is no sex involved.

I'd go if I was open to starting a fwb. I wouldn't go to just be a shoulder to cry on for the whole weekend. If this was someone I was in a platonic friendship with then yes. But an ex-fwb nah.

If it suited me, and if I fancied a few days in Devon. and maybe some swimming and sightseeing (on my own, possibly) I'd go because that would mean there was something to be gained from the trip apart from offering support. Make sure that if absolutely necessary you have the money to come back under your own steam if things go pear-shaped. (I'm assuming he'll drive you down.)

Before going I'd make it clear that sex was not on offer now or ever, and that you want separate rooms and absolutely no expectation from him that you'll sleep with him. If you feel you might be tempted after a few drinks to offer him a consolation shag, don't go, you'll regret it bitterly. Also make it clear that you don't plan to sit around the house all weekend while he weeps about the woman he liked more than you.

Others have already pointed out that he dropped your friendship when it suited him and now wants to resume when it suits him. It's not on. You're not a support bot. Be different from now on: do what suits you around him.

I think I'd go, assuming you want to of course - taking all the other complications out of it.

Yes, he used you as a booty call - but there seems precedent in your relationship for that kind of overture, and he doesn't seem to have reacted negatively when it didn't happen. I wouldn't let solely pride over this stop me going.

As you say, there's two parts to your relationships - I'd go, making it clear I was there in the friend part capacity, not the sex part. I'd probably be more inclined to do it for a male firend tbh, as they often have less emotional support in general and he may genuinely not have anyone else to support him.

But again, I don't think you're obliged. I think either option is acceptable morally and friendship-wise , so really the only question is - do you want to?

On the suicide thing - I say this as somebody who has lost a brother to suicide - it is NOT the responsibility of women to prevent men from killing themselves.

Sorry if that sounds blunt, but I think it's important to remember.

OP, I don't think you should go. He's single now, and I think taking you along with him is just surrogating in a friend/fb rather than getting used to being single.

Just tell him you’re not having sex with him then ask him if he still wants you to go !

Would you want to go, OP, if you knew there’d be no expectation of sex? If so, I’d be up front with him and go.

Id go if thats what you want to do. Just be aware he might come on to you and come up with a plan of how you will respond. Friends are important whatever their gender. And as you've said you've come onto him for similar reasons i understand that you know he might do the same to you and its no insult. As long as you are sure you trust him enough that he'd accept rejection and just value your being there anyway.

If you go, and then turn him down for sex, do you really think that will make him feel better than he feels right now? Will he think "ah but she's been a really good and supportive friend coming with me" or will he think "oh great, another woman who doesn't want me".

Everyone is saying "make it clear before you go that sex isn't on the cards" but people always hope they will change your mind, especially when they're a bit all over the place emotionally.

I can understand that he distanced himself while in a Relationship. If you want to go and have a break in devon then fine but I would risk a slightly awkward conversation beforehand about separate rooms etc and the nature of the friendship now. Otherwise you may end up feeling used or he may end up saying something unpleasant like 'well why did you come?'. I'd be straightforward here. Friendships can evolve but I wouldn't leave this to assumption.

I’d go you have a good friendship. I’d also perhaps make it clear no hooking up and you’re purely there in a friend capacity.

This.

Honestly I don't understand these types of relationships, they seem rife with potential trouble and confusion and someone always seems to invariably be hurt.
I would only go if I had separate accommodation tbh, that would be quite clear imo sex is off the table and it would be strictly a friend helping a friend situation.

I didn’t get that from OP’s post at all. I don’t know how you saw that in her post at all.

Am I the only one wondering why his girlfriend
cleared off in such a dramatic way ?
also so what if you want to sleep with him
just don’t do it again after the weekend 🤣🤣

I’d tell him that sex is off the cards but go and be a good friend. And if you change your mind and want to sleep with him then do.

@Ilovecleaning What’s your point? Different people make different inferences based on written (and unwritten) info.

I think it’s fine to go. I would absolutely make sure he understands there won’t be sex and you expect your own room to sleep in.
I would drive down on your own though. I know he is a good friend and you know him well, but if he does start to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do you can leave. And I wouldn’t drink too much so you can’t drive.

And many of us have been caught in a situation like this where you don’t feel like you can say no because you are stuck there and depending on him to take you home the next day.

I think it’s reasonable to distance yourself from someone who you’re sleeping with when you get into a relationship- however close friends you are.

So, the question is really do you want to be friends again? Do you want to sleep with him again?

Only you can answer those questions, but I’d say that if the answer to both is no then don’t go to Devon. If the answer to one of them is no then make that clear before you go.

Don’t go it’s got messy boundaries

its nether just a shag or a friend wanting support
you’ve moved to the friend zone so sex seems a bit awkward

your awkward in the friend zone because of previous history with sex

don’t think he’s done anything wrong or is using you for sex or comfort that is the normal dynamic of your relationship

Is he a good shag?

Why not go? A weekend in Devon sounds great to me, especially if he's good in bed.

Why not? You enjoy his company.

As long as you don't expect a relationship from it. Seems an ideal weekend to me. Well except the crying!!

It's not the same as if it were a female friend though, is it? Because there's sex involved (or if not, complications about sex).

For his own clarity, he needs to spend the time alone.

It's a shame you don't have much else going on in your own life (as you said upthread). Maybe spend time building that aspect of your life up, so that when someone like this drifts in and out of your life you have much clearer boundaries and you can decline because you've got your own interests and pursuits.

Personally, the dynamic wouldn't appeal to me so I'm not the best person to give advice - I wouldn't have the slightest motivation to spend precious time with someone who's fine wanting you to join him for a trip (a) because he can't face being alone and (b) because he's a snivelling wreck about breaking up with a girlfriend boo hoo. No mention of him wanting the pleasure of your company - well bugger that, why would you want to be used?

Maybe set your relationship bar a bit higher?