To go and spend the weekend with my friend under these circumstances?

[beyondtherebound]

Used to have a FWB situation with a man over a period of about 5 years. It started as sex, but over the years, the benefits became very much secondary to the friendship, and he became one of my closest friends. We did sometimes get silly after a few drinks, but not that often in the end.

Then he got into a serious relationship and distanced himself. I've been there myself the other way around. So I was a bit miffed but I understood and was happy he was happy.

I haven't heard from him in 6 months and he called me out the blue to meet for a drink yesterday.

Turns out his GF had upped and left him over night, a couple of weeks back. He came home from a work trip and all her stuff was gone. It sounds horrendous.

Without a doubt he called me thinking a rebound shag would make him feel better (I don't judge him for that, it's very normal to want validation and intimacy a break-up) but instead I forced him to sit down and talk, and he ended up just pouring his heart out for hours. He's completely heartbroken.

I felt absolutely nothing for him except empathy and sadness as his friend. He'd clearly not had a good chance to talk it through with anyone and was so confused and in pain. He's not been eating or sleeping well. I've never seen him like this. Needless to say he didn't get anything from me except a lot of hugs and a listening ear.

He's got to go and cat sit for his parents in Devon for the weekend and asked if I'd go with him, as he was dreading being there alone.

I don't have anything else on and he clearly needs someone to drag him out the house for some air, make sure he eats some proper dinner and let him talk and cry and muddle through it all.

Our relationship has two such distinct sides to it though, that I'm torn.

The friend side of me feels like it's absolutely the right thing to do. He's very dear to me and he's in pain and I'd do it for any one of my female friends, even if they'd been a rubbish friend while they'd been loved-up. I have no doubt that just being there for some company and to make sure he's not wallowing, will absolutely help him get through the worst of it.

The side of me that used to sleep with him though, and knows he also thinks a rebound shag will make him feel better, feels a bit icky about it (although I've got no right to be self righteous about it as I've called on him for the same reason before).

I realise I don't have to sleep with him even if I do go, so it's not the act of it itself, but more just feeling that that part of our past makes it feel a bit less 'above board', to go and spend the weekend with him.

Will he? Because men don’t have any emotions? Such an utterly crass thing to say.

It was me trying to get into his (I did the exact same thing and thought it’d make me feel better after a break up, which it did, to be honest!).

But no, until I initiated it, he just listened.

I wouldn’t go and honestly, it seems like he’s trying to manipulate you with all the emotional behaviour into feeling sorry for him so he can get in your knickers again. He dropped you the second he got together with her and now she’s dropped him he’s back sniffing around for a place holder until he meets someone else and drops you again. He’s not your friend you’re only good for a shag and he’s a user.

I’d do it for a friend in a heartbeat regardless of gender or history. In these circumstances, I’d make it clear that sex isn’t likely.

@Testina I’m not trying to say she is responsible no way !
But as a friend and a genuine friendship is what it sounds like they have disregarding the FWB side of it i think friends should be there for each other in times of need , plus Op has said he has been there for her xxx

This is what I’m struggling with.

He is one of my favourite people to spend time with and someone I love dearly and has supported me through so many things both practically and emotionally.

But he’s also a man who called me after 6 months wanting a shag.

That’s the truth of it really. They’re two entirely separate but entirely true statements.

If you straight up said to him "I need to be honest and say that I don't see you that way anymore and we won't ever be having sex again, on this trip or any time in future", do you truly believe he would still want you around? If so, why don't you try it.

You say in the past he's been there for you in the same circumstances and didn't make a move until you did, but that's not proof he can be platonic. He was probably just certain that you would make a move at some point, or sure enough that it was worth investing the time. That's not the same as coming round purely as a friend.

But he’s also a man who called me after 6 months wanting a shag.

And you’ve done the same with him. Come on!

The friend side of me feels like it's absolutely the right thing to do. He's very dear to me and he's in pain and I'd do it for any one of my female friends, even if they'd been a rubbish friend while they'd been loved-up. I have no doubt that just being there for some company and to make sure he's not wallowing, will absolutely help him get through the worst of it.

That's understandable. I am wondering though - does this man have no other friends? No other male friends? Yes, he's distanced himself but didn't he have any other friends before besides you?

So you do actually want to go, but feel you shouldn’t want to, because he dropped you for six months and now thinks you’re a sure thing weekend booty call, even though you acknowledge you’ve done the same thing with him?

I would go - whatever the history - you are friends, and friends support each other. However, I would be entitely clear ahead of time that you are travelling as a friend, and there is absolitely no chance of any shenanigans occurring. I admire you for being the bigger person here.

Go, but make sure you are clear with him before you go that you won't sleep with him... and also that you can get yourself home if you need to leave earlier than planned.

It's only two days? Could you arrange to phone for an hour both days?

I would go, just make it clear that the relationship is platonic. I think its important that everyone knows where they stand, particularly from a female safety pov.

I think just do what you want to do. There is no "right" or "wrong". You've said you'd do the same for a female friend and you've said he's even done the same for you so go with it as long as you won't feel pressured into anything you are not comfortable with.

Then I would go.

Good to see people being so kind - I bet if it was a woman they’d be flocking to help 🙄

Good on you for being there - I’d go but make it clear nothing sexual is going to happen.

Yeah you may just feel used whether there’s sex or not. Because you are being used. He dumped you for six months and didn’t give you a second thought. Now he’s calling on you like a service provider.

@beyondtherebound I would absolutely say the same if the female friend was someone I'd had a sexual relationship with in the past. I think the sex bit has complicated this for you, and is difficult in some ways to tease out from the friendship part.

I would go. You've said you enjoy spending time with him and he doesn't sound like a rapist! Just see where it goes relationship wise.

I mean he's hardly committed a faux pas by calling a former FWB for a shag after six months. Isn't that the whole point of FWB?

It sounds like the lines are blurred for you because he also wants deep emotional support. FWB is usually about keeping it light and complication free.

I think that your relationship has changed, and that it would be unwise to carry on as if it hadn't. When you had sex for comfort/validation after a breakup, he was up for that, right? So no problem there. Has it ever happened before that you haven't wanted to when he is stressed or needed comfort?

I think that if you go, he will expect sex. I also think that you have moved on from having occasional sex with him. It might be a good idea, as others have said, to make it very clear if you don't intend for there to be any more sex in your relationship. Would it be possible to gather a few of his friends around him to maybe visit for the day at the weekend? So it's a bit less intimate and potentially less awkward if you do decide to go?

A weekend supporting your friend through his breakup sounds like a lovely thing to do. There doesn’t need to be any sex if you don’t want there to be, you don’t even have to share the same bed.

I wouldn't go. I'd go for my best friend, but then she wouldn't drop me for 6 months and then turn up again when her partner dumped her. Far too available, you aren't his best friend, it's just not an equal friendship and I don't think he'd do the same for you, if his girlfriend was still around and you had been dumped. you probably wouldn't have even got a phone call.

I wouldn't. You don't really want to go but feel like you should by the sound of it. But he had no such feelings when he dropped you like a hot potato once he got into this relationship. If he cared about you as a friend, he would have stayed in touch and made time for you throughout his relationship. You owe him nothing on the friendship front, you've already done enough. He is using you as emotional support and will drop you again when he gets what he wants. Do not feel bad about drawing a boundary and leaving him to deal with it in hs own time.