Why the fuck did nobody have my back?

[Imangry]

I’m having a bit of a rocky night and just feel utterly miserable.

my childhood was split between 2 homes (divided family).

one side was utterly horrendous. There’s so much shit I just thought was normal but with hindsight of course it’s bloody not. Living in a flat where there was so much litter and rubbish and animal waste that you couldn’t see the floor in parts. never having my own bedroom and sleeping in the living room or the hall. Violent partners. Constant parties and alcohol, I was even left alone in houses with strange men I didn’t know (nothing ever happened but I was still terrified) if I ever said I was scared or spoke up or cried I would get shouted at and told to stop being a fucking c* and that they wished they could get rid of me. Awful things like being sexualised far too young- comments about the underwear I was wearing (I was under 10), laughing at me for going through puberty and getting pubic hair, finding used sex toys about the house when I was around 7 and it was all a big funny joke so I had to do some funny pose with it whilst they all laughed about how stupid i was meanwhile I had no idea what I was holding.

I was never sexually abused but i was generally sexualised as part of a big funny joke about how funny it apparently all was. Eg, how funny it was when they would talk about oral sex infront of me and then 6 year old me would say ‘what’s a x/y/z’. Obviously it’s not funny at all but they thought it was. when I became old enough to understand it all I felt so disgusting, even now I hate my body and get undressed in the dark. I can’t go for a smear test and I feel like my body is disgusting

as a result I developed some bad habits when I was removed from this and lived with the other side of my family, who were the opposite of this and were really good and normal. Things like being scared to be alone and even waiting outside the toilet because I was scared to be left in the living room myself, being incredibly anxious, biting my nails, being scared of staying in my room overnight myself and scared of the dark. I was never bad just very anxious.

the ‘good’ half of my family clearly wanted to pretend everything was fine- they had a very picture perfect family and couldn’t have any sort of blemishes to that. They also thought it would be best for me to just move on and forget and never talk about it again. So I was basically told never to talk about the bad side, that I needed to grow up and stop being a baby (things like being scared of being alone or scared of the dark) and if I ever tried to talk about it I was told stop being dramatic, other children have awful parents and you don’t, you don’t know how lucky you are etc. they were a good family but very much ‘pretend everything will be ok and then it will be ok’ but they totally ignored and dismissed what I was going through. In fairness they didn’t know the full extent of how bad it was, but they knew it was bad. I was told to stop biting my nails because I looked disgusting and I would never get a job with such awful nails. But biting my nails was the only outlet I had. Eventually I just gave up and stopped even trying to talk to anyone and I learned it was better to keep it inside.

But as I’ve got older and become an adult I feel so angry and let down. Nobody had my back. Even the good side of my family told me to stop going on about what was happening because they couldn’t spoil their perfect family image. They have apologised and said they didn’t realise how bad things were but that they were always there for me but they weren’t. On top of that, the bad side of my family completely denys everything. I’m a lot of things but I am NOT a liar. I even have proof (diary entry’s from the time etc) but I know I am telling the truth. But when I explained to them that I was upset with them because of my childhood they tried to get in my head and called me mentally unstable and said I needed to be sectioned for making things up. But I’m not. I’m telling the truth. Needless to say I have no contact with the bad side of my family anymore

i just feel so angry that as a child nobody had my back and that even now nobody truly does. I know I’m telling the truth and I’m not misremembering things but then it starts to get into your head, am I being dramatic? Am I making all this up? Even though I know I’m not

applgoies, I know this is so long winded but I just wondered if anyone had any advice, or if anyone had experienced similar. Why the fuck did nobody have my back x

Should have included too, im a regular poster but have NC

I'm so sorry 😞, couldn't read and run. And yes.. you are right to feel the way you do.
Sending you 💓

Oh wow OP. I wish I could give you a big hug. I believe you, if it means anything. You are being textbook gaslit, which adds to your trauma.

Then although you were looked after physically, mentally you were neglected and told to grow up, after basically not being able to do the usual things kids get to do.

You need to get some therapy because you NEED to be able to talk and be heard properly.

I would consider cutting contact with the 'bad' side. They are still harming you.

I hope you can find some peace somewhere along the line. My heart goes out to you.

That sounds horrendous, absolutely traumatising. So the "good side", was that a parent too? And when you say you were "removed", was that by the other parent or by Social services? It sounds as if the "good side" thought that by accommodating you, they were doing enough, and that there was very little understanding of your needs. And yes, both your parents and the extended family should have had your back, but actually it seems as if they were all more concerned about themselves and appearances.
You are absolutely right to be upset about this, and I agree it would really help to get some talking therapy.

I feel the same as you. I had awful parents who were abusive and also felt nobody had my back. I agree to try and get some therapy but you might be waiting a long time. Do you have any friends you could talk to? I understand you are feeling bad but remember, you are not alone. How are you today? x

What an awful story. I’m so sorry all of those things happened to you.

I believe you. Yes you were neglected by both sides really, in different ways.

I'm really sorry that they didn't. How shit. I hope you're ok now.

So sorry for you op. You should be angry because no one looked after you properly. It sounds like you are processing things right now, take your time. See a private therapist if you can afford to. They might see you every other week if that makes it more affordable. It’ll take some time, but it will get easier.

I believe you and I'm sorry for what you went through and what you still are with all those who hurt you and ruined your childhood. Don't let anyone down play your feelings or memories and please try and get counselling. Stay strong and hugs to you x

What a horrible situation, I am sorry you went through this. I had an alcoholic parent and was the confidant of the other far too early for my years. I am well aware of the undermining 'It wasn't that bad'. 'You exaggerate everything' 'Why d'you keep dragging up the past?' 'You've always been over sensitive' Etc.

I think it's good you have confronted the bad side, even if they don't accept what happend they know why you have stepped down. The good side, seems mor complicated especially as they admit they hadn't realised how bad it was and probably naively wanted to distract your attention to something positive.

As other posters have advised perhaps you need some therapy to help process what happened. You don't say much about your present life but you were badly let down by people who should have been there for you. You can't change that but find a way to stop it dragging you down as an adult. You deserve to be a happy adult.

Good luck OP.

this was really sad to read OP. sending you love and hugs. maybe try some form of therapy to sort of get it off your chest and out your system? that way you may feel as though you have been heard? i have young children and cannot ever ever ever imagine doing anything like that to them. i’m really sorry that this was your childhood. but you have every right to be angry. i hope you are in a better place now with great things going for you 🌸

The thing which helped me move on was forgiveness (different to forgetting) and lowering my expectations of family. Also having friends who are my true family

I hear you OP - my childhood wasn't as bad as yours but near enough. I had a long chat with my parent about the past a couple of years ago (I'm mid 40's) and they tried to minimise it until I told them straight - stop trying to rewrite history just fucking apologise for the shit you caused both me and my siblings.

It upset them but I had it out with them - they have since apologised and I'm undergoing extensive therapy but you're right about nobody having your back.

Funny enough, I work in a school now and have just finished extensive safeguarding training and recognised so much of my own childhood within the training. It was an abusive childhood and everyone missed it.

Hope you find peace OP

I am so sorry you went through this.

I’m really sorry to hear that happened too you, bless your heart.

I had an abusive childhood, I was both verbally abused and physically beaten by my parents and brother.

I was angry and bitter for many years and a part of me still is and for years I was such an angry person.

For me personally what made me feel better was talking to a counsellor and letting it all out.

The scars will always be there but I don’t let what happened to me define me as a person as then they have won.

I wish you all the best and happiness in life.
God bless you xx

Why the fuck did nobody have my back

You were very unlucky to have that experience. There's no reason why it had to be you, and that's so hard and cruel.

You are very clear about how wrong it was and what happened, that's amazing and can be a source of strength. Never doubt your truth. Even if they all say you're lying, you know the truth.

Have you had counselling? It can be so healing. It can take a long time, it can make it harder before it gets better but when it works it can really help.

Sounds like the "Good" side knew that they left you in that shit for far too long but for whatever reason did nothing about it. Then when the reality of that treatment came out in your behaviour, it reminded them that their lack of action was partly to blame for it. Yes your other parent (mother I am guessing by the sound of it?) actively abused you, but the other parent was complicit in the abuse by allowing it to happen because it was easier for them not to act. Your fear of the dark, every time you waited for them outside the loo, every time you cried for being left alone.....it brought up the guilt from the behaviour they dont want to acknowledge and cannot deal with. Basically, they knew that they threw you under the bus to save themselves but pretended for a long time that they didnt, your trauma meant that they couldnt do that anymore and they didnt like it so ignored it.

Similar dynamic in my family, although not for reasons anywhere near as bad as what you went through, but the person who did nothing seems to want to airbrush it more than the person who was the active abuser.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad......

I'm so sorry OP that you had to go through this. Don't invalidate and minimise what you went through. It was sexual abuse. It was emotional abuse. It was neglect. And your 'good' family did let you down by brushing it all under the carpet - they certainly had their own motivations for doing this - admitting that these things happened and they were horrific and unacceptable means they would need to take responsibility for allowing this to happen and deal with their own guilt. You were vulnerable and needed protecting and even your good family let you down and they are choosing to allow themselves to believe that you are being dramatic or silly, rather than face up to some very difficult realisations.

Seek out a good counsellor / psychologist - so you can finally have a neutral person listen to what you went through, rather than people who benefit from minimising your experience.

I'm utterly heartbroken for you. Are you able to access trauma counselling?
You are incredibly strong to have carried on and you absolutely deserve all good things.
sometimes you have to see a few counsellors to find one you can trust and open up to and who can work with you how you need. It is worth it, though. Please update this thread. I'm not the only one who will want to know how you are doing. 💖💖💖

OP, you have every right to express your anger at your parents, and at all the others who knew what was going on and did nothing. Mine was nowhere near as bad but I understand your lasting anger.

In answer to your question, it was because they were lazy and selfish and just couldn't be bothered to be better parents. Nothing they can say will change that basic truth. You know you are right.

I drew comfort from removing them from my life, from succeeding in what I do, and from showing them how completely inadequate and crap parents they were by giving my ds a decent childhood. A clean, happy, well appointed home with no fights and with all the fun and loving support that a child should know.

That all those pathetic self-pitying gas-lighting excuses about how it wasn't easy were just that.

You didn't have a good side of the family. One side injected trauma - the other side ignored it. Get a journal and go through your old diaries and write your comments and feelings now about the happenings. It will be cathartic.

You’re not being over dramatic at all. I really feel for the child you were.
Maybe some counselling would help you to come to terms with it? It’s a lot to process as an adult, what a horrible time you had as a child and no one ever really acknowledged that.

You need some talking therapy.

It sounds like the second half of your family were totally out of their depth and given no guidance, so they didn’t know how best to support you. They weren’t qualified and they probably genuinely thought their approach was the most loving thing to do. I suspect that if you can reach a point where you can accept that ho one is perfect and that they could only do what was within their capacity / their own existing internal instruction manual, then you might gain peace with that side of your family.

The other side sounds abusive and self-obsessed. Not sure they are capable of progress. Coming to terms with not being able to get them to aooeeciat

Urgh - sorry

appreciate your experiences will help you. What they think or believe doesn’t change reality. You don’t need their validation.