Why the fuck did nobody have my back?

[Imangry]

I’m having a bit of a rocky night and just feel utterly miserable.

my childhood was split between 2 homes (divided family).

one side was utterly horrendous. There’s so much shit I just thought was normal but with hindsight of course it’s bloody not. Living in a flat where there was so much litter and rubbish and animal waste that you couldn’t see the floor in parts. never having my own bedroom and sleeping in the living room or the hall. Violent partners. Constant parties and alcohol, I was even left alone in houses with strange men I didn’t know (nothing ever happened but I was still terrified) if I ever said I was scared or spoke up or cried I would get shouted at and told to stop being a fucking c* and that they wished they could get rid of me. Awful things like being sexualised far too young- comments about the underwear I was wearing (I was under 10), laughing at me for going through puberty and getting pubic hair, finding used sex toys about the house when I was around 7 and it was all a big funny joke so I had to do some funny pose with it whilst they all laughed about how stupid i was meanwhile I had no idea what I was holding.

I was never sexually abused but i was generally sexualised as part of a big funny joke about how funny it apparently all was. Eg, how funny it was when they would talk about oral sex infront of me and then 6 year old me would say ‘what’s a x/y/z’. Obviously it’s not funny at all but they thought it was. when I became old enough to understand it all I felt so disgusting, even now I hate my body and get undressed in the dark. I can’t go for a smear test and I feel like my body is disgusting

as a result I developed some bad habits when I was removed from this and lived with the other side of my family, who were the opposite of this and were really good and normal. Things like being scared to be alone and even waiting outside the toilet because I was scared to be left in the living room myself, being incredibly anxious, biting my nails, being scared of staying in my room overnight myself and scared of the dark. I was never bad just very anxious.

the ‘good’ half of my family clearly wanted to pretend everything was fine- they had a very picture perfect family and couldn’t have any sort of blemishes to that. They also thought it would be best for me to just move on and forget and never talk about it again. So I was basically told never to talk about the bad side, that I needed to grow up and stop being a baby (things like being scared of being alone or scared of the dark) and if I ever tried to talk about it I was told stop being dramatic, other children have awful parents and you don’t, you don’t know how lucky you are etc. they were a good family but very much ‘pretend everything will be ok and then it will be ok’ but they totally ignored and dismissed what I was going through. In fairness they didn’t know the full extent of how bad it was, but they knew it was bad. I was told to stop biting my nails because I looked disgusting and I would never get a job with such awful nails. But biting my nails was the only outlet I had. Eventually I just gave up and stopped even trying to talk to anyone and I learned it was better to keep it inside.

But as I’ve got older and become an adult I feel so angry and let down. Nobody had my back. Even the good side of my family told me to stop going on about what was happening because they couldn’t spoil their perfect family image. They have apologised and said they didn’t realise how bad things were but that they were always there for me but they weren’t. On top of that, the bad side of my family completely denys everything. I’m a lot of things but I am NOT a liar. I even have proof (diary entry’s from the time etc) but I know I am telling the truth. But when I explained to them that I was upset with them because of my childhood they tried to get in my head and called me mentally unstable and said I needed to be sectioned for making things up. But I’m not. I’m telling the truth. Needless to say I have no contact with the bad side of my family anymore

i just feel so angry that as a child nobody had my back and that even now nobody truly does. I know I’m telling the truth and I’m not misremembering things but then it starts to get into your head, am I being dramatic? Am I making all this up? Even though I know I’m not

applgoies, I know this is so long winded but I just wondered if anyone had any advice, or if anyone had experienced similar. Why the fuck did nobody have my back x

Follow dr Gleyn Doyle on fb or Instagram. Honestly you will start to understand more of why you feel what you do and how you aren’t alone.

1. Seek appropriate counselling via your GP. It really does help.

1. Go NC or very LC with all family. Neither side are worthy of your time or thoughts.

1. Have you thought of volunteering for a 'childline' like organisation?..as you say, nobody had your back, so imagine if you had had a voice that at least said to you ' this isn't normal , I understand how you must feel'. Might be too triggering but could also be a positive thing.

Sorry you went through that op.

I feel similar but my anger is directed towards school and the various agencies that were supposed to be looking out for children in dangerous situations. My dad was an addict and a dealer. We would get raided by police and a policewoman would just walk me round to the neighbours house to stay until dad got out of prison! The school were well aware of dad's issues, he once passed out in the middle of parents evening. But because I was clean and got good exam results no one gave a shit. Where was the safe guarding?!

Your feelings of anger are completely understandable. You are right. I guess you feel in a safe place now so your brain is starting to allow your feelings to come out. Telling us here is a good place to start. Now book in talking therapy. It’s essential. If money is an issue talk to GP and you might be able to get it there. You are on the right path OP. If you need space from either side of your family while you process your feelings tell them and take it. You deserve to be happy and ok.

Op I felt really sad reading your post.

I don't how old you are but from my experience as a child growing up in the 80's we weren't encouraged to talk about things and they certainly were brushed under the carpet. I'm not for one minute minimising the pain the good side have caused but
To drop your whole family will seem huge but I would certainly drop the bad side sooner rather than later and tell them why.

Have counselling and see if you can discuss things with the good side of the family.

You need to be heard and both sides of the family needs to take on board how they treated you.

Sorry you went through all that OP and I do believe you.

It sounds like the 'good' side of the family was only good in relation to the bad side. They were conventionally more socially acceptable but they weren't particularly good for you. It sounds like they took care of your physical needs but gave you little or no emotional support. None of this is your fault. People are often awful. That's on them, not you.

As to the bad side, it sounds like they were chaotic and had probably had very poor examples themselves, so they're stuck in this destructive cycle. Once the good side got you out of there, or someone got you out of there, they were probably faced with a lot of guilt. Rather than take responsibility for their role in not helping you, they minimised everything you had been through. They'll keep doing this rather than truly face how awful your experiences were. Again, that's on them, not you. Most people can't stand the truth or take responsibility for their role in it.

I don't know why this is. I'm quite cynical about humans and human nature. We're just an ape, really. We're not as clever or as good as we think we are. We're all flawed. Please try to get some help to understand and deal with what happened to you. You've done amazingly to get this far. You can start to heal.

OP, I am sorry that you had to go through all of that as a child.

I think that you should talk to your GP and get some counselling, or pay privately if you can afford it.

You need to talk about all of this in a safe space and unravel it all so that you can let go and move on

I believe your every word. You’ve started to analyse it all yourself, which is easy to do through adult eyes, but crushing when you realise how that little girl suffered.

My childhood was similar. I quickly learned that nobody had my back, a teacher and a GP did try to help at different times, and I’ve never forgotten their kindness, but they were cowed by my aggressive male parent. Of course I paid the price for their “interference”. The police just turned a blind eye. No one gave a shit.

Never had therapy but talked it through with myself over the years. Used to envy those girls with good parents and happy homes, it all seemed so unfair. But my adult life has been better than that of many of those girls. I was determined to put the violence and abuse behind me, build a decent life and family of my own: make my family history start with the adult me.

I’m 75 now and have realised adult lives are full of choices, so we can achieve a happy life, despite a bad start.

My female parent is still alive, living a life of hell in a secure psychiatric unit. The truth is her personality hasn’t changed at all, but it’s now recognised for what it is. I have been to visit her just once and left knowing I could never leave someone I loved in such a place. Fortunately that’s not a problem.

You are obviously a very strong and intelligent woman. You will find your path to peace, as you deserve.

What is the reply when you point out that you were removed from their care.

People don’t remove a child from a parent because things are ok.

Have you had counselling? Being angry is very sadly a wasted emotion. Because you are angry at the family side who sexualised you young etc, but they deny it, or belittle it, and they don't acknowledge your claims. They aren't going to apologise. This leaves you powerless and frustrated.

Counselling would suggest how to deal with this. Process it and move on. To peace. Ideally.

This made me tear up. I'm so sorry that you had such an awful childhood.

It wasn't your fault, and you really did deserve better from the adults around you.

Congratulations on getting through it; I'm sure that you're a strong person, but I would suggest counselling to help you.process what you.went through.
I totally.get that you want them to acknowledge what you went through, but they're weak people, and I doubt that will ever happen, so the best thing you can do for yourself is work through it with a good counsellor to guide you.

Good luck.

OP your honest post really moved me amongst a lot of the BS on mumsnet. You’ve clearly been through an awful experience and even though you said you were not sexually assaulted… you were often put in situations where it could have happened because of the environment.

I think counselling would be good for you as we are not counsellors and I hope it brings you some closure.

Everybody should have had your back, it’s completely understandable how hurt and angry you are. I’ve got no words of healing but I hope you can work through this

What a heartbreaking read, OP! I am so sorry...

I agree counselling is necessary here. You need to find a way through these feelings. Perhaps you would be interested in the following book? I read one of her other books on emotional abuse and found it really helpful. She was abused as a child herself. You will also find her on youTube.

Freedom at Last: Healing the Shame of Childhood Sexual Abuse Paperback – 15 Dec. 2022 by Beverly Engel (Author)

Beverly Engel is an internationally recognized psychotherapist and an acclaimed advocate for victims of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. She is the author of 23 self-help books, including 4 best selling books on emotional abuse: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, The Emotionally Abused Woman, and Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman, and Healing Your Emotional Self. Her latest book on emotional abuse is entitled Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing from the Shame You Don't Deserve (Dec 2020, Kensington). Currently her most popular book is entitled, It Wasn’t Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion which came out in Jan. of 2015. Engel is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and has been practicing psychotherapy for 35 years.

In my opinion there was no good side.

Good god, that sounds horrendous. I’m so sorry no one had your back. You definitely deserved to be helped and it sounds like your family and everyone around you failed you.

I imagine some therapy could help you to feel better now. I don’t know how you could disentangle all that’s happened by yourself.

If ever there was a need for counselling or therapy then this is it. I am so sorry that you were let down on all sides by the people who you rightly say should have had your back. And the minimising of the trauma is very unhelpful as it makes you turn in on yourself and allot blame to yourself when of course none is appropriate. None of this is your fault.

The "good" side of your family were only good as far as not perpetrating the obviously bad things; but they were not good at supporting you, probably because they wanted to put these bad things behind them and had their own problems in doing that.

I really think that you will need help to come to terms with all this and let it go. It is too big a task for you alone.

Are you able to afford counselling, as getting this through the NHS is bit hit and miss depending on where you live and the priorities of the mental health services there?

You were neglected in both of your childhood homes in different way. I would really suggest counselling or therapy for this. You need to make sense of it all, with someone why is a truly good listener, to heal and find a place where you can be happy 🩷

OP - I am so sorry you had such a very traumatic childhood. I strongly recommend that you look into going to some Al Anon meetings - these are distinct from AA meetings, they are for anyone who is/has been affected by the alcoholism of others.

Meetings are free to access and, through the wonder of zoom, you can attend in the UK or further afield at all times of the day or night - during the pandemic I accessed a lot of US meetings because the times worked better for me.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/how-do-i-get-help/

This is a community which I think you will really relate to, where you’ll be able to take guidance and comfort from the experience of others and it provides a safe space to try and process what’s happened to you. You can just listen, no-one’s going to make you talk about anything you don’t want to. How involved you get is up to you, but I know people who have worked the steps and it has helped them overcome some of the trauma they carry with them.

wishing you lots of strength - one day at a time.

@Imangry hello lovely,

I couldn't read and run.
I'm in hospital atm and I'm not able to put the full effort into my reply to your message, but I just want you to know I read that and I saw it and felt it.
I'm really sorry for your experiences and horrible fucking childhood.

I'm sure you'll be given tons of wonderful advice to move forward with processing your trauma etc but I'm so proud of you for just telling it like it is and seeking support.

You are a wonderful person and your life will be much better and healthier and happier in the future. It'll need strong perseverance from you but I've every faith you'll update this thread with positive news and progress.

If you ever need to talk inbox me, as I say I'm a bit stuck atm in hospital but couldn't read and run.

You aren't alone with this baggage and nor should you feel it x

that was hard to read and I'm sorry you lived that life.
I hope you're OK now and have had or are having therapy to help you.

I just want to say that I agree with everything you have said and I can relate to it so much. To the OP, as @PostOpOp has said, you have a huge amount of inner strength, you have proven that already, you can absolutely overcome this. I found therapy for my own abusive childhood to be so liberating, it was very difficult at times to relive aspects of my childhood but the validation I got is indescribable. I went from someone with, at times, quite debilitating anxiety and this is now 90% gone, all through therapy and meditation. I now see my family for what they are, they too have minimised and denied aspects of my childhood, they are sad, miserable, dysfunctional people that I have very little to do with. Best of luck OP, you deserve peace of mind and happiness x

OP I’m so sorry this happened to you. You know what happened and you know what the truth is. Your family denying it doesn’t take that away from you. Like other posters have suggested, I would encourage you to get therapy if possible. It really helps, especially when there’s that horrible voice that makes you doubt yourself, ‘it wasn’t that bad, was it?’ ‘Did it really happen like that?’. This is a ‘normal’ response to trauma and therapy will help you process what you went through. What also helped me was that I had my brother who experienced some of the same things as me, talking to him was/is validating. Were there any other children with you in the house at that time? Wish you all the best.

OP I don't know when you were a child but until very recently people weren't open about mental health issues particularly those caused by abuse. People dealing with traumatised children would have sought advice from those around them, which may have included others dealing with abused children professionally, and been told what to say to the child.

Also depending on your "good" family's background they would have likely been fearful allowing mental health professionals to be involved as they didn't want you to have labels on your medical records. These labels could have prevented you from doing particular jobs.

I'm really sorry, OP. As an adult, you see things differently - wonder how on earth other adults could act like this. But as a child, you were told you were being stupid (or whatever). IME it's very hard to separate one's feelings as an adult now from that child's feelings. So firstly - you were not stupid. You weren't imagining it. You deserved care and love and you didn't get it. It wasn't your fault
I suffered a SA and as a result rushed into a marriage with a man who turned out to be abusive. I believed the SA was my own fault, that I'd somehow caused it. Buried this. Married a lovely man when I was 34 and had dch but still suffered daily, until my DH convinced me that it wasn't my fault. It took him two whole hours for it it sink in with me, because I was still feeling it as the child rather than looking in from outside as an adult.
My point is - talk to a professional, or even a trusted friend. Once again, I'm so sorry that that little girl was so badly let down. But you, the adult, CAN get over this and move on, but you're going to need some help. You CAN live a happy life, and leave behind the neglect and pain those horrible people inflicted on you. We're all rooting for you!