Why the fuck did nobody have my back?

[Imangry]

I’m having a bit of a rocky night and just feel utterly miserable.

my childhood was split between 2 homes (divided family).

one side was utterly horrendous. There’s so much shit I just thought was normal but with hindsight of course it’s bloody not. Living in a flat where there was so much litter and rubbish and animal waste that you couldn’t see the floor in parts. never having my own bedroom and sleeping in the living room or the hall. Violent partners. Constant parties and alcohol, I was even left alone in houses with strange men I didn’t know (nothing ever happened but I was still terrified) if I ever said I was scared or spoke up or cried I would get shouted at and told to stop being a fucking c* and that they wished they could get rid of me. Awful things like being sexualised far too young- comments about the underwear I was wearing (I was under 10), laughing at me for going through puberty and getting pubic hair, finding used sex toys about the house when I was around 7 and it was all a big funny joke so I had to do some funny pose with it whilst they all laughed about how stupid i was meanwhile I had no idea what I was holding.

I was never sexually abused but i was generally sexualised as part of a big funny joke about how funny it apparently all was. Eg, how funny it was when they would talk about oral sex infront of me and then 6 year old me would say ‘what’s a x/y/z’. Obviously it’s not funny at all but they thought it was. when I became old enough to understand it all I felt so disgusting, even now I hate my body and get undressed in the dark. I can’t go for a smear test and I feel like my body is disgusting

as a result I developed some bad habits when I was removed from this and lived with the other side of my family, who were the opposite of this and were really good and normal. Things like being scared to be alone and even waiting outside the toilet because I was scared to be left in the living room myself, being incredibly anxious, biting my nails, being scared of staying in my room overnight myself and scared of the dark. I was never bad just very anxious.

the ‘good’ half of my family clearly wanted to pretend everything was fine- they had a very picture perfect family and couldn’t have any sort of blemishes to that. They also thought it would be best for me to just move on and forget and never talk about it again. So I was basically told never to talk about the bad side, that I needed to grow up and stop being a baby (things like being scared of being alone or scared of the dark) and if I ever tried to talk about it I was told stop being dramatic, other children have awful parents and you don’t, you don’t know how lucky you are etc. they were a good family but very much ‘pretend everything will be ok and then it will be ok’ but they totally ignored and dismissed what I was going through. In fairness they didn’t know the full extent of how bad it was, but they knew it was bad. I was told to stop biting my nails because I looked disgusting and I would never get a job with such awful nails. But biting my nails was the only outlet I had. Eventually I just gave up and stopped even trying to talk to anyone and I learned it was better to keep it inside.

But as I’ve got older and become an adult I feel so angry and let down. Nobody had my back. Even the good side of my family told me to stop going on about what was happening because they couldn’t spoil their perfect family image. They have apologised and said they didn’t realise how bad things were but that they were always there for me but they weren’t. On top of that, the bad side of my family completely denys everything. I’m a lot of things but I am NOT a liar. I even have proof (diary entry’s from the time etc) but I know I am telling the truth. But when I explained to them that I was upset with them because of my childhood they tried to get in my head and called me mentally unstable and said I needed to be sectioned for making things up. But I’m not. I’m telling the truth. Needless to say I have no contact with the bad side of my family anymore

i just feel so angry that as a child nobody had my back and that even now nobody truly does. I know I’m telling the truth and I’m not misremembering things but then it starts to get into your head, am I being dramatic? Am I making all this up? Even though I know I’m not

applgoies, I know this is so long winded but I just wondered if anyone had any advice, or if anyone had experienced similar. Why the fuck did nobody have my back x

I believe you OP and I’m so incredibly sorry, that is a dreadful childhood and you were treated appallingly. As your family are incapable of talking to you reasonably about this then I would definitely seek therapy so that you can talk through all of this and finally feel listened to and validated, and work through the abuse you have suffered.

I would second therapy.

I am sorry you had to go through this OP, you deserved better.

Childhood trauma can impact us as adults, often called CPTSD ( complex post traumatic stress syndrome).

The good news is that healing is possible.
I suffered trauma in childhood too, and my adult life has been affected.

When we heal the childhood wounds our adult lives become better too.
I have been having intense psychotherapy over the past year or two and the results have been life changing.

You have taken an important and courageous first step by posting here OP.
You realise that your childhood experiences are still impacting your life today- that realisation is halfway to healing.

I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. You have every right to be very very angry about it.
You do definitely need some therapy. I’m not sure how old you are - you should be able to access it through school/college or higher education institution, or many employers offer counselling/psychologists services as part of their well-being programme. In my local area low cost counselling is offered, it advertised in the library and supermarket notice boards. You could also go to your GP but as PP said you might wait a long time.
As a last resort I would pay for it privately if you are able. Think if it as an investment in the rest of your life. All the best.

I think that you need counselling to overcome the betrayal from both sides of your family. They both let you down, and allowed continued exposure to situations that were damaging to you.

Whilst one side of the family were more stable, it's my view that they'd have had an inkling of what your other side of the family were like? They'd have known their personality, likelihood of many scenarios. They can't pretend that you were coming back to them and they didn't notice a change in your behaviour, general unhappiness?

When it became apparent that you were an anxious wreck because of something, they tried to make you push things down as to not destroy their exterior of perfection.

TBH the level of betrayal from your "good" side of the family would be harder for me to swallow. Atleast the "bad" side of your family sounds like the dysfunction was ingrained to the point they have no fucking idea what is "normal" or right.

I'd be keeping myself as far away from all of them as possible and creating a happier, healthier life without any of them.

It's what I did, and I haven't regretted it for a minute. .
Therapy will be a long slog, buy I promise it can make a massive difference. 1

Wow op this is just horrific, you are absolutely not being unreasonable for feeling how you do.
Have you had any counselling? I think it could be beneficial to you. These ‘adults’ have let you down absolutely and you deserve to feel good about yourself. Sending you love xxx

Oh OP, I believe you. I have nothing helpful to add but echo what PPs have said and try counselling. Wish I could give you a big cuddle.

You know I felt so angry and horrified reading your first paragraph.

I understand why you feel the way you do, but I imagine in the 80s people still brushed things under the carpet. Many wouldn’t have had the skills to deal with a traumatised child. Things were not spoken about openly in our house either it was very much an attitude of “get on with it” which comes from my mums own tough childhood I think (she was a lovely person just a bit too pragmatic at times). But that would have been a particularly hurtful and invalidating experience for you. ❤️

I am so sorry OP, no child should have to go through that abuse.

OP I believe you and I’m so sorry you went through this, and are still going through it in the continued abusive gaslighting you’re being subjected to. I would cut all contact with the bad side and seek therapy to talk this all through and process it in real life. for you.

I believe you too op. My only suggestion is that you have your back now. Get yourself some therapy to support the little girl you were.
I had a different but traumatising childhood and therapy helped me so much to comfort and rebuild that small girl and to somewhat heal from all the trauma . It's hard and you'll cry and grieve but you'll heal too with time.

I'm so sorry this happened to you @Imangry !
I do also think seeing a therapist could help you. Talking to people who will listen and believe you.

I wish you all the best.

Op what happened was awful and you, I'm afraid, were sexually abused, amongst a host of other things. You don't feel the way you do for no reason.

I think you can see it but in case, all your behaviours afterwards at the "good" side, were reactions to what you'd been through. They were normal and understandable - and healthy. Your little nervous system back then when you were a kid was doing just what it should to keep you safe after you'd been so unsafe for so long. Unfortunately the "good" side were only good in comparison but weren't all that good in terms of giving you what you actually needed, they just looked more normal.

The nail biting, the getting changed in the dark, even hating your body and keeping everything inside are all healthy reactions to what you experienced. All of them. Now though they're continuing after you're an adult and so they're not helpful. People have mentioned therapy, and it can sound vague. What someone who is experienced in childhood trauma can do is help you with those on going reactions so you can be free of them and enjoy life a bit more, like you deserve to. It can be unbelievably scary to imagine, for example, feeling comfortable in your own body or getting changed with a light on, or not getting waves of deep shame or humiliation when you think of something that happened. What therapy can also do is help those feelings reduce a lot, if not actually go away for some of them.

And if you're wondering if you have the strength for any of that, you definitely do. If you're strong enough to get through your childhood in which you were really alone and live with the ongoing impact of it, you're strong enough to do what's necessary to get over it, gently, with someone there just for you to help.

If private therapy isn't an option, go to the GP. You can print out the bits in your OP about what happened and how you feel and ask for therapy. You'll go on a waiting list, but being on the waiting list is better than not being on it!

One last thing. I'd not advise speaking any more to your family about it. At least before you have a therapist. Nothing beneficial to you will come of that. Don't even mention that you're on a waiting list. You know what happened happened. You are not making it up and you're certainly not misremembering it. You don't need to hear from anybody who isn't going to/can't let themselves believe you. First you need proper support.

What an awful childhood you had. Please seek out some therapy that will enable you to share the load. Good luck and i hope you find a lovely contented future x

I believe you OP, that's awful. Your feelings are valid - someone should have protected and shown kindness to that little girl x

I'm so sorry to hear OP 😔 thankfully the 'good' half of your family were there too take you in, they should have been there to hear you out and help you heal. But they probably didn't know how to deal with things.

Don't look for validation from the other side of your family, you know what happened and it will only frustrate and anger you more when they deny things.

Therapy could be a better outlet for you. I wish you all the best in you journey ❤️

"if I ever tried to talk about it I was told stop being dramatic, other children have awful parents and you don’t, you don’t know how lucky you are etc."
But you did have awful parents and you were unlucky. I'm sorry OP It seems to me that none of the adults in your life were prepared to act like adults and keep you safe. I hope things get better for you.

Agree with @Genevieva , the good side of the family clearly thought they were helping and acted out of love. They made mistakes but at least they tried. People cope with abuse in different ways, perhaps their way of coping was to deny and pretend it wasn't happening.

Caregivers are only human, they have their own issues and histories which will shape how they parent. It sounds like they loved you and wanted a normal life for you. To admit their mistake now would probably shake their world view too much, it's perhaps too much for them to bear.

Forgiveness helps us to move on, anger is a burden we carry and letting go makes us free.

I believe you OP.

All these adults were abusive.

Does anyone have your back now?

Gosh, I can really relate to this. I have found that removing toxic family members from my life altogether and trying to have a peaceful, joyous and successful life that I’m proud of, to be the only remedy for an abusive childhood.

I admire those who have said they confronted their family and asked for an apology etc. but that simply would not have worked in my case. They could win awards in gas-lighting and manipulation.

OP, in the nicest possible way, you need to find a way to move on from this and live your life. Well done on going NC with the bad side, and I agree with suggestions of counselling if the ‘good’ side are trying to minimise what you went through. But the goal should be to put it behind you and look ahead to a happier future.

‘Forgiveness helps us to move on, anger is a burden we carry and letting go makes us free.’

You see I don’t think OP has to forgive those who abused her or those who took her in and then didn’t listen to her. Not at all. I think it’s a huge burden to expect a victim to forgive the perpetrators. Her anger is proportionate to what happened to her.

Therapy could help OP process the anger and help her lead a more peaceful life. But she absolutely does not have to forgive the people who abused her or those who emotionally neglected her and continue to gaslight her.

I find this siding with/making excuses for people who failed in their protective duty very troubling.

OP, I don't have much new to say but your post has really struck a chord with me. What you describe has a ring of truth about it so please don't doubt your own recollections.

Yes, you fully deserve to have someone in your life that's got your back. You deserved it during your childhood and you deserve it now. That you haven't experienced it yet, is no reflection on who you are.

I’m not sure how long ago this happened but I think beliefs about to help a child who had your experiences have changed a lot. I think it’s very unfair of previous posters to say that both sides of your family were equally abusive. It was thought that children would heal best by not revisiting their past trauma. That children are very resilient and it was best to allow them to forget. I know that this approach makes you feel your experiences were denied and that you weren’t listened to. I think someone needs to listen to you now. Can you talk to your Good family about how it was for you without blaming them or would it be better for you to explore this with a therapist?

The 'bad' side of the family behaved appallingly. The 'good' side weren't good. Please seek professional help. You deserve a good life.

You poor pet.
I absolutely believe you.

That sounds so dreadful.

Of course they called you mentally unstable, far easier to do that that admit they emotionally abused and neglected you.

The other side thought it better to say if we deny it happened and insist she doesn't speak about it, she will forget.

I have a couple of friends that lost parents suddenly 50 years ago when they were 6-9 years old.
They were the youngest.
They never saw their mothers again.
No funeral as they were considered too young, just given loads of sweets.
People were very kind but then no one spoke of their mums, too upsetting for the remaining parent.

The damage is profound and life long.

You have been through a horrendous time, really horrendous.

There is no changing this at all.
There is no magic fix.
This is the hard hand life dealt you.
That is awful, and upsetting because it has had such a terrible affect on you, but there is nothing you can do to change the facts.

All you can focus on is doing anything you can to make life as bearable as you can and strive for acceptance of the hand you were dealt.

Counselling might help but it won't change this.

The bad side of your family are awful people and you were correct to cut them off.

Only truly awful people abuse and neglect children.
What were their own childhoods like?
Was that all they knew too?

The goal in life as you age is acceptance for the things you cannot change.

Most of us come to that realisation.

Will you spell out what counselling you have had and has it helped at all.

Sometimes talking about things endlessly can make you feel worse.

Are their other therapies like EMDR that you might consider?

Keep posting, we are here for you.