Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so let down and sad- DH lack of concern over operation today

57 replies

Abneyandteal19 · 16/08/2023 22:29

Had my Gallbladder out today- it was keyhole, went well and I will be home tomorrow, so totally get it's minor surgery compared to what many people have been through.

However I have never had any surgery, never had a general anaesthetic and am sore and woozy.

DH took day off work to have DS3 and drop me off.
I organised older 2 DS to go to holiday club for the day, friends parents to drop off and pick up, communicated with everyone, organised my parents to come tomorrow morning when DH has to go back to work.

DH had 3 yr old DS from 11:30, got the older two delivered him at 3:30 and had to do dinner (which I left prepped) bath and bed.

He has text me twice....how are you feeling? I replied ok etc and asked about the boys which he updated and said one was sad and missing me. (I never go away anywhere)

That's it.... came out at 5pm first text and then didn't text again until 9pm

No love yous, no phone call, no pics of the boys, no FaceTime so I could see them, no nice words or reassurance. He will not see me until tomorrow night when he gets in from work- again I have arranged for my parents to have youngest and pick me up, booked holiday camp etc.

It's hard work doing dinner bath and bed with them all but I do all the time.

I'm feeling woozy and maybe emotional (also have period to add insult to injury!) but AIBU to feel really sad, disappointed and not cared about?

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 16/08/2023 22:33

Presumably he thinks you’re sleeping off the operation and getting as much rest as possible. If you want to talk to him phone him.

TeaKitten · 16/08/2023 22:34

He probably thinks you could do with the peace and not having to act well for the kids on FaceTime or happily respond to messages. Unless he is always an idiot of course!

Groutyonehereagain · 16/08/2023 22:37

I’ve had the same operation and it’s not a walk in the park. Just having a GA wipes you out. Take your time with your recovery, make sure he looks after you. I don’t think your DH is too bad, you’re probably feeling very tired and sorry for yourself. I did. Get well soon. 💐💐

WandaWonder · 16/08/2023 22:41

I really don't see the issue, sure others will tell you to leave him but I don't see why the need for the drama which is probably making you feel worse than the effects of the operation in the first place

passthedaquri · 16/08/2023 22:43

Probably rushed off his feet cos he's having the kids without your support.

Rachie1973 · 16/08/2023 22:43

Spect he’s left you to rest peacefully.

with respect I think you’re being over emotional xx

RampantIvy · 16/08/2023 22:44

I think you expected too much from him. He was probably busy with the children and thought you wouldn't be up to a phone call or FaceTime conversation. Last time I was in hospital overnight DH visited, but I was too out of it and feeling too sick to talk.

Wishing you a speedy recovery Flowers

10HailMarys · 16/08/2023 22:47

I personally wouldn’t want or need lots of messages and stuff when I’d just had surgery. For me, are “How are you feeling?” would be enough. I definitely wouldn’t want to be FaceTiming on a hospital ward or anything. I’m sure your DH cares about you very much, but he probably just doesn’t realise you were expecting more communication.

Coming round from a general anaesthetic is quite weird, and a lot of people do feel emotional and quite miserable afterwards, so just try to get some sleep and things will look better tomorrow, I’m sure. If you’ve got headphones with you, maybe just lie down and close your eyes and listen to something soothing like some music that makes you feel chilled or an audiobook or something.

ArcticSkewer · 16/08/2023 22:47

That's a bit shit and not showing much care for you. I'm not surprised you were upset. Hopefully he will be more caring in person tomorrow.

I have to say, while it's hardly ltb territory, my now ex husband was like this and it's what I remember most sadly about our time together. I felt unloved and unsupported in those moments. I would tell him how you feel. I never did, but I think perhaps I should have.

Mrsjayy · 16/08/2023 22:48

You are full of anesthetic still you are emotional and discombobulated, he maybe thinks you need the rest, fwiw keyhole surgery is still surgery do rest.

AffIt · 16/08/2023 22:51

OP, I've had a few surgeries (a couple of major ones) and for me, GAs make my blood pressure drop, which always leaves me a bit existentially sad and weepy. It's almost 100% chemical - basically a comedown.

I don't think your OH has done anything wrong, but I do think you should put your phone down and have a nice sleep. I hope you feel better and make a great recovery.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 16/08/2023 22:52

Does your DH normally do all of the bedtime routine OP? Did you give him doing it a trial run? If not, then the chances are, that he probably struggled a bit, and was, if he's a typical man, worn out by the time he'd got them safely into bed. If he's anything like my DH, he will then have had a beer and fallen asleep in front of the TV.

Having had surgery a couple of times myself, and also been disappointed in how my DH handled things, I totally understand where you're coming from, but you will definitely be feeling emotional, so I think it might be best not to say anything you'll regret when you see him tomorrow, but perhaps in a week or two, bring the subject up and tell him what you would have liked him to do. Just a thought, did you tell him that you would like him to call you, FaceTime you, etc,? Or were you expecting him to read your mind, and behave in the thoughtful way that we women are programmed to do? If the latter, then you know that for that you are BU, lol. Get a good night's sleep and I hope you soon feel better.

HarrietJet · 16/08/2023 22:53

no pics of the boys. You're only away from then overnight... 😬
He probably thinks you're resting.

saraclara · 16/08/2023 22:56

When my late DH had surgery it didn't occur to me to pester him with messages. I assumed he'd want to just tune out and nap. So yes, just a checking in one, and then I assumed he'd message me if he wanted to/was up to it.

continentallentil · 16/08/2023 22:56

I think you are perhaps a bit tired and vulnerable OP - but he’s texted twice to ask how you are, and let you know how the kids are. It sounds fine to me in general.

If you generally need a bit expression right him I’d have that conversation.. but not while you’re feeling out of sorts.

saraclara · 16/08/2023 22:59

...also there's nothing worse than ward mates who take and make phone calls and facetime with people. Seriously it's horribly distressing, especially for those who are feeling dreadful, or dealing with bad news.

whynotwhatknot · 16/08/2023 23:01

why did you prep dinner for him is he not capable

some men on here sound completely uselss

Original poster
Abneyandteal19 · 16/08/2023 23:04

Ok fair enough, maybe having a bit of a pity party! I can accept that.

FWIW I'm in a single room so would not be disturbing anyone with phone calls.

Just though he knows how hard I'd find it being away from the boys and telling me my 5yr old was upset just made me sad...

However I accept your points and will try to get some sleep but suddenly feel weirdly awake annoyingly!

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 16/08/2023 23:11

I’d be annoyed. A photo or better still a video saying get well soon would have been so welcomed.

Hope you feel better soon.

Canisaysomething · 16/08/2023 23:13

Some of your feelings could be the drugs. I was given a glass of squash after waking up from an operation and I cried because it wasn't chilled.

TeaKitten · 16/08/2023 23:22

Abneyandteal19 · 16/08/2023 23:04

Ok fair enough, maybe having a bit of a pity party! I can accept that.

FWIW I'm in a single room so would not be disturbing anyone with phone calls.

Just though he knows how hard I'd find it being away from the boys and telling me my 5yr old was upset just made me sad...

However I accept your points and will try to get some sleep but suddenly feel weirdly awake annoyingly!

Did you tell him you were up for FaceTime? He obviously wouldn’t no if you don’t tell him.

MetaverseMavis · 16/08/2023 23:38

Get a grip. It's one night

Darkherds · 17/08/2023 01:43

Hope you're okay OP.
I wouldn't mind my DH texting the amount yours has, I'd ring if I wanted to talk. I think Facetime would be the last thing I'd want after an op, but we're all different.
I don't think he should have said DS was sad as that won't do you any good. My DH always does the same though...if I text and ask are kids ok he'll say if they're sad etc. I don't text much when away anymore, problem solved 😉(I'm hardly ever away.)
Hope you feel better tomorrow when you see your boys

WetBandits · 17/08/2023 01:57

MetaverseMavis · 16/08/2023 23:38

Get a grip. It's one night

That was a little unnecessary.

Gently, OP, I think you might be overreacting a little but it’s probably the anaesthetic, I cry over nothing after those drugs! He has text to see how you are but probably assumed you were resting/not up to FaceTiming so hasn’t tried. Could you not FaceTime him if you want to chat?

StellaLaBella · 17/08/2023 02:18

OMG CHILL