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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so let down and sad- DH lack of concern over operation today

57 replies

Abneyandteal19 · 16/08/2023 22:29

Had my Gallbladder out today- it was keyhole, went well and I will be home tomorrow, so totally get it's minor surgery compared to what many people have been through.

However I have never had any surgery, never had a general anaesthetic and am sore and woozy.

DH took day off work to have DS3 and drop me off.
I organised older 2 DS to go to holiday club for the day, friends parents to drop off and pick up, communicated with everyone, organised my parents to come tomorrow morning when DH has to go back to work.

DH had 3 yr old DS from 11:30, got the older two delivered him at 3:30 and had to do dinner (which I left prepped) bath and bed.

He has text me twice....how are you feeling? I replied ok etc and asked about the boys which he updated and said one was sad and missing me. (I never go away anywhere)

That's it.... came out at 5pm first text and then didn't text again until 9pm

No love yous, no phone call, no pics of the boys, no FaceTime so I could see them, no nice words or reassurance. He will not see me until tomorrow night when he gets in from work- again I have arranged for my parents to have youngest and pick me up, booked holiday camp etc.

It's hard work doing dinner bath and bed with them all but I do all the time.

I'm feeling woozy and maybe emotional (also have period to add insult to injury!) but AIBU to feel really sad, disappointed and not cared about?

OP posts:
CrazyArmadilloLady · 17/08/2023 02:28

I hope you've got some rest and are feeling better.

He messaged you twice! I thought you were going to say he didn’t contact you at all, and had everyone else looking after the kids.

But no, he messaged you twice and was looking after the kids - yes, you do it all the time, but if he doesn’t, then he probably did have his hands full.

Unless, this is symptomatic of something wider going on your relationship?

What you’ve described would be what I’d do for DH and what he’d do for me, but we have a happy, solid relationship, so I wouldn’t be feeling short-changed in this scenario.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 17/08/2023 02:30

And why, given he was busy with the kids, didn’t you just say, ‘when are you all free to Face Time?’.

theGooHasGone · 17/08/2023 03:40

If you want to know how the kids are doing or see a photo then just text and ask him. There's zero point in getting upset over him not naturally doing something that he has no idea you want him to.

bookwormlifter · 17/08/2023 03:42

I'm going to go against the grain of most posters. I don't think it's too much to ask for a little kindness and consideration from your own husband. Even if it was a simple text to say how busy he'd been with kids, but "are you ok? How are you feeling? I'll call you when kids are in bed". I personally feel that's just normal behaviour/compassion between a husband and wife. I no my husband would be wanting to be with me. So if he couldn't he'd at least be texting me. So no, I don't think you're being unreasonable

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/08/2023 04:23

Um.. yeah I think you're being a bit needy here. Does he know he can call you, does he know what state to expect you to be in, or where you are in the hospital (ward, private room, semi private)...

If I am in hospital (and I am sometimes and sometimes its without much warning), I update folk, I let them know when I can be contacted or when to expect contact.

Unless I go in as an emergency and have no way of contacting anyone then my partner will try to find out where I am and whats going on, at an appropriate time (and that depends on when I get taken in and why and so on).

My sister has just spent 5 days in, as an emergency, first in majors in A&E (for THREE DAYS) and then cardiac ward...

She rang me, when she could. It is not appropriate generally, to ring and facetime people from your bed, others are trying to rest/sleep so it is much better that the person in does the contacting, rather than the person 'out'.

I did say on day 2, did she want me to keep checking - nope, and in fact she didn't tell many people she'd gone in precisely because she did not want the stress of a barrage of messages and the pressure to keep everyone updated.

He's looked after the kids, better he focuses on that than spends all that time constantly phoning and messaging you and perhaps worrying children for no reason (even small children understand when Mummy looks poorly and sounds weird in a facetime or phone call!).

Threenow · 17/08/2023 04:37

You are being a little silly. It's minor surgery and you were only away for one day/night. Like others I imagine your DH is leaving you alone to rest, and busy looking after the DC. Just concentrate on yourself and let your DH get on with it, and maybe try and be a bit more self-sufficient.

HoppingPavlova · 17/08/2023 05:09

Honestly, if someone either rang or FT’d me after surgery I’d like to reach down the phone and strangle them. What if I was asleep and it woke me? Or, I just didn’t feel like being verbally communicative at that time? Irrespective, I’d just not want to do it in that situation. Text is best is it gives the recipient the power as to when/how/if to respond. To be fair, your DH sent 2 texts to let you know he was thinking of you, while respecting boundaries and potential ability/want to respond. Not sure how many were expected?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 17/08/2023 06:13

This is either the anaesthetic at play, or it’s symptomatic of something else amiss in the relationship.

No way would you be moved to post on MN about your husband only messaging twice(!) while you’re in hospital for something relatively (in the grand scheme of things) minor, and he’s looking after the kids.

Berlinlover · 17/08/2023 06:24

You’re I’m hospital ONE night and he has communicated with you, I really can’t see what the issue is. YABU.

GoodChat · 17/08/2023 06:32

I think I'd be annoyed if DP was hounding me with messages and calls about the kids when I'd just had surgery

rand0mstuff · 17/08/2023 06:39

you are away for a single night. You had surgery under a GA. You are in hospital and looked after. He texted you and probably wanted to give you peace and let you sleep it off/rest. In the kindest possible way, you sound incredibly needy.

HungryandIknowit · 17/08/2023 06:44

Sounds fine to me. It might be that he's busy, you're bored because you're in hospital and you're overthinking it. Hope you feel better soon.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 17/08/2023 06:44

Why didn't you call or FT him if you were missing the kids and wanted to talk? Confused

shoeawsome · 17/08/2023 06:55

I can absolutely understand how you're feeling!

You have done all the organising to ensure he has the easiest time possible while you are away and he can't even show you you that he's thinking of you!

I hope he bucks up when you get home & looks after you properly but I suspect that he won't!

Elspethelf · 17/08/2023 07:36

Just came here to say it may be keyhole surgery, but it’s not minor, it’s major abdominal surgery. I found it as tough as my c-sections. The attack itself was the most pain I’ve ever experienced. Be gentle with yourself!

As others have said, he may not want to disturb your rest. When you are discharged, I’d be vocal and direct in telling him what you need. He may be thinking this is minor and you’ll be right back to normal but that may not be the case.

ArcticSkewer · 17/08/2023 07:49

Hope you got a good night's sleep and are feeling a bit better today

duvetdayy · 17/08/2023 07:53

I had an endoscopy in the process of diagnosing a condition a few years ago, didn’t even have a GA just sedation and my dad has never forgiven my bf at the time for not visiting me at home after I had it 😂 something which at the time I hadn’t even considered was necessary.

Dogscanteatonions · 17/08/2023 07:55

It's not that minor! I had mine out by keyhole and was in loads of pain and the first 2 days were awful. I had hoped to be out the next day but it was on the third day after they were happy for me to go home then I was a week at home still struggling. I hope he looks after you well when you get home OP - don't minimise how you are agree don't do too much

TossacointoHenryCavill · 17/08/2023 07:59

Another vote for GA does weird things to your state of mind. I woke up and bawled my eyes out last time I needed one and I couldn’t even think of a reason beyond relief I hadn’t died (if was an emergency OP, but I was at almost no risk of dying once in the hospital being treated.)
If there’s something that would make you feel better when you go home tomorrow (favourite takeaway, favourite netflix film, doing stories with the kids or something) tell your husband and hopefully he’ll sort it for you :)

BLT24 · 17/08/2023 08:05

I personally think it’s nice that he text you twice asking how you are? Presumably that’s just how he is, he doesn’t usually shower you with love and gifts and romantic or over the top gestures etc etc

Je was just being honest about your son missing you and maybe thought it might be nice to feel missed!

You sound a bit peeved about having to organise everything which is understandable, maybe once you’re recovered from this op, a gentle conversation and agree about how to split the responsibilities more fairly will be helpful

Topseyt123 · 17/08/2023 08:06

I don't think he has done anything wrong to be honest. You are very likely just in for one night. You're not away for weeks. You don't need photos of the kids and Facetime just for that.

He has sent you a couple of support messages. That is what my DH did for me back in February after he had dropped me off.

I hope you are reasonably comfortable today and able to go home as anticipated.

If I were you though I would stop referring to your surgery as minor. It wasn't and you will still need some support in place once you get home. That will be when you really need people to step up.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/08/2023 08:09

Honestly op I'd be upset, I'd expect a bit more checking in on, asking of you want a phone call, etc. And something more than "how are you?".

But it's one day, lots of people are suggesting that's how they'd treat their partner too so possible he thinks it's right. I'd look at how he is generally, does he normally care about you, does he show he loves you etc

And if it's because having his own kids is so stressful, I'd be making sure he gets more practice in the future

HellonHeels · 17/08/2023 08:14

Threenow · 17/08/2023 04:37

You are being a little silly. It's minor surgery and you were only away for one day/night. Like others I imagine your DH is leaving you alone to rest, and busy looking after the DC. Just concentrate on yourself and let your DH get on with it, and maybe try and be a bit more self-sufficient.

Minor surgery? WTF She's had a GA and is in overnight. That's not minor.

cherrypied · 17/08/2023 08:19

Hope you are recovering well OPFlowers

My husband is similarly shit. He never messaged me when in for a minor op (after a miscarriage which i suppose is relevant) although he did respond when I messaged him. I relied on my friends and my mum more for a moral boost. As long as he picked me up and dropped me off I was happy, but wait for this, he made me pay for the car park Confused. I had some fentanyl so was pretty happy though.

My main lesson learned was "do not judge people by your own standards" DH falls short all the time - so much so i wonder why i married him.

Mrsjayy · 17/08/2023 09:34

Threenow · 17/08/2023 04:37

You are being a little silly. It's minor surgery and you were only away for one day/night. Like others I imagine your DH is leaving you alone to rest, and busy looking after the DC. Just concentrate on yourself and let your DH get on with it, and maybe try and be a bit more self-sufficient.

Gall .bladder removal isn't minor surgery why would you think it Is?

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