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Original poster

To not understand this

81 replies

Starsandmoon99 · 16/08/2023 13:55

I’ve been seeing a guy for around 6 months. We get on well, have fun, I enjoy his company and was happy were things were going. We often go on dates

we had a bit of a conversation last night about things and he said he enjoys my company too but he wants to keep it as it is. he said he would like to take me away somewhere too. but he said he doesn’t want a relationship as it’s not the right time, he just wants to keep things how they are? Still go on dates and do all the relationship things but he said he doesn’t like to put labels on things

OP posts:
usernother · 16/08/2023 14:20

If he's saying this after 6 months it means he wants to keep his options open in case someone he thinks is better comes along. He's spelling it out to you. Get rid. You can do better.

Original poster
Starsandmoon99 · 16/08/2023 14:20

@Aquamarine1029 yeah I agree

sorry for drip feed but he was in a 5 year relationship before we met.. and they broke up about a year ago we started dating when he had been single for 6 months. it ended messy apparently so he says he just enjoys it more how we are

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 16/08/2023 14:22

I would take the ‘weekend away’ as a red herring.
He doesn’t want to be exclusive, then when he sleeps with someone else he can say but we are not in a relationship.
However by dangling a weekend away in front of you he’s keeping you hooked and available when he wants sex.
Just tell him you are looking for more and see him run for the hills.

usernother · 16/08/2023 14:22

Starsandmoon99 · 16/08/2023 14:20

@Aquamarine1029 yeah I agree

sorry for drip feed but he was in a 5 year relationship before we met.. and they broke up about a year ago we started dating when he had been single for 6 months. it ended messy apparently so he says he just enjoys it more how we are

I bet that's what he says Grin

eggsandbaconeveryday · 16/08/2023 14:25

He's just not that into you ! Have you seen the film ? He is stringing you along because it suits his needs, however it's not suiting you . It's never going to be anything more so you need to decide to either accept that and date other people or just ditch him and move on. I certainly wouldn't be sticking around !

Didimum · 16/08/2023 14:31

Don't do this to yourself. Do not adapt yourself to fit a man's whims at the expense of your own, and don't equate a 'weekend away' with commitment – it isn't.

gamerchick · 16/08/2023 14:37

He wants to be free to shag other people if it comes up. It's fine and he's been upfront, you just need to know if it's enough for you that's all. If it isn't, then you may have to walk away.

Deathbyfluffy · 16/08/2023 14:49

indyocean · 16/08/2023 14:19

This mancode for he wants to date (have sex with) other people

Not really - in my younger days I followed a similar path and while I enjoyed dating, I didn't want anything too serious.
Work commitments and other variables (including the possibility I was to go abroad with work) meant a 'traditional' relationship wouldn't have been viable at the time.

I certainly didn't want to sleep with other people; I just didn't want to hurt my partner at the time. She wasn't happy with the level I was offering, so we parted ways on good terms.

Honesty is key, and I think he's been very clear which is commendable these days.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 16/08/2023 15:00

It’s very clear that he wants all of the benefits of a relationship - your company, sex etc - but none of the usual obligations he’d have in a couple to be faithful / involve you in decisions / commit to you. That’s fine as at least he’s been honest rather than stringing you along but I’d always take this as a sign that he doesn’t feel you are the one he sees himself with. When people meet the right one, they really do not want to risk another person getting in the way so he’d be much keener to announce that you are a couple. I wouldn’t be offended but I would back off and look for someone else that does think you’re Mrs Right.

Original poster
Starsandmoon99 · 16/08/2023 22:53

He has messaged me to say he doesn’t want me to take it in the wrong way, he says he cares a lot about me and doesn’t want anything to change, doesn’t want to lose me and hopes it hasn’t put me off, he said he wants me to come round and stroke his hair and make him feel better and tell him everything is going to be ok?

I just don’t want to get in too deep and get too emotionally attached if that makes sense, not sure what to do

OP posts:
Busubaba · 16/08/2023 22:56

He's saying, "We can act like boyfriend and girlfriend for now but I'm keeping my options open and if I meet another woman I can tell her that you and I are just mates!'

redastherose · 16/08/2023 22:58

Don't do what he wants whatever you do. He has told you honestly that he's not that into you but now doesn't want to lose sex on tap and the fun bits whilst not giving you the deeper relationship you want. If I were you I'd bin him off and start looking around for someone who does have the same desire for a proper relationship.

Whataretheodds · 16/08/2023 22:58

he said he wants me to come round and stroke his hair and make him feel better and tell him everything is going to be ok?

Why does he need comforting? Did he ask how you were or what you want?

Sugarfree23 · 16/08/2023 22:59

My first thought was you were his 'bit on the side' I now think he's on the rebound, not that into you but you plug a gap.

Personally I'd end it because he's using you and you'll get hurt.

Original poster
Starsandmoon99 · 16/08/2023 22:59

@Whataretheodds He hasn’t asked how I am today, just how is he feeling

OP posts:
LylaLee · 16/08/2023 23:07

> Not sure what to do

Option A: you like him, so you don't end things. Of course, because YOU are invested, you're not dating other people. You HOPE that because: you get on so well; the sex is good; he gets along with your friends; you laugh and share good times; you have intimate, deep conversations - because of all these things you hope he will see that you have a good thing and will commit. You still have a good time. Seven years in, you ask 'where is this going?' he hmms and hems. You're 35 now and want children. You talk about going off the pill. He's half hearted. You get pregnant. He's ambivalent. He doesn't help with the baby. Stops letting you see his phone. When the 2 children are 4 & 7 you get engaged. 4 years after that you have a little wedding. 2 years in you find he's been on tinder. He was never really committed. Now you have to move back in with your mum because you can't afford the mortgage...

OR

Option B: He's told you he likes what you have, but not enough to commit to you. You find someone else who likes you enough to commit and build a life together. OR you remain happily single, with friends, work, hobbies, a drawer full of good sex toys & donor sperm if necessary.

Busubaba · 16/08/2023 23:09

'he said he wants me to come round and stroke his hair and make him feel better and tell him everything is going to be ok?'

Jesus wept!

What a complete and utter wet wipe he is!

Is he a man or a poodle?

Bin him just for making that nauseating request!

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/08/2023 23:50

What a selfish narcissistic little prick.

He’s delivered this hurtful message and he wants you to comfort him?! Ugh it’s blatant.

Please dump him OP. This is awful.

WandaWonder · 16/08/2023 23:59

This is all fine if mutual if not you have your answer so if you want move on

Cantrushart · 17/08/2023 00:02

I'm old. I don't understand the rules of these new relationship labels. Is he saying that he wants to actively pursue other women but doesn't want the agro of you complaining about it, or am I missing something? Are there other inconveniences and expectations that go with an official 'relationship'? Some kind of code of conduct agreement or taxation?

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 17/08/2023 00:03

Sorry to be blunt OP, but you're a placeholder.

As soon as someone else comes along who he likes more, you will be dropped like a hot potato. Then when you're upset, he will say, 'but I told you I didn't want a commitment/relationship' etc.

It's textbook.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 00:14

Starsandmoon99 · 16/08/2023 22:53

He has messaged me to say he doesn’t want me to take it in the wrong way, he says he cares a lot about me and doesn’t want anything to change, doesn’t want to lose me and hopes it hasn’t put me off, he said he wants me to come round and stroke his hair and make him feel better and tell him everything is going to be ok?

I just don’t want to get in too deep and get too emotionally attached if that makes sense, not sure what to do

How can you possibly not know what to do here? Come the fuck on. This guy is an absolute twat.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 17/08/2023 00:19

I don’t think he’s a twat so much, (but his stroke my hair line is super cringeworthy!). But like others have said. He’s telling you where he is with relationship.

Take him at face value! There really aren’t any hidden messages here. He doesn’t want to take the relationship further. It will be forever frozen at the level it currently is.

If that’s not what you want end it and move on.

Seriously it’s that simple 😉

johnnydeppsslipper · 17/08/2023 00:29

God I'd step bak for a minute op

Tell him while you appreciate him telling you how he feels you also need to re consider if that will work for you and then cool it off and put a bit of emotional distance while you work out what's going on

After 6 months and seeing each other more often and him wanting to book weekends away and you to go see him but he doesn't want a label or any pressure it's a bit meh of him and abit selfish to just drop that in like it's not something you might not want.

Not very considerate.

PaminaMozart · 17/08/2023 00:34

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 17/08/2023 00:03

Sorry to be blunt OP, but you're a placeholder.

As soon as someone else comes along who he likes more, you will be dropped like a hot potato. Then when you're upset, he will say, 'but I told you I didn't want a commitment/relationship' etc.

It's textbook.

Indeed.

@Starsandmoon99 - what more do you need to know?

He spelt it out for you: he said he wants me to come round and stroke his hair and make him feel better

Right now you are serving a purpose.
But there is no emotional connection as far as he is concerned.

This is never going to go anywhere.

Cut your losses now.

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