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Original poster

Christmas Drama

73 replies

kates2011 · 16/08/2023 13:13

My husband and I have always been pretty lucky and spent Christmas with both of our parents at my mums house, we've never had to split time between families and my mum lives 5 minutes away so it's not spending the day travelling or anything like that. We have hosted before but I find it a bit much and struggle to enjoy it.
This year my husbands parents have said they're not coming and they'll see us another day, which is fine.
We will have a 3 year old by Christmas and I'm very early days pregnant at the minute too, my husbands opinion is he'd like to stay at home just the three of us and have a chill day.
I tried to suggest to my Mum that we do Christmas Day another day with my Brother, Sister in Law and Niece as I thought it might work out they were going to her parents this year but they're not going to her parents and they've already said they're going to my Mums on Christmas Day.
I know my mum will be upset if I say we aren't going for Christmas as we've always spent Christmas together. I also feel my daughter loves seeing extended family and her cousin on Christmas Day, as I do.
My husband has said to me I obviously don't enjoy spending time just the three of us and my parents take priority, which has upset me.
My husband and I have always done our own Christmas Day on Boxing Day so after all the socialising is done that's our special day together where we stay home and I cook Christmas Dinner and we chill and watch all the Christmas TV, set up gifts etc. and I personally love doing it that way because I think it's nice to spend Christmas with extended family but equally they're my immediate family and my favourite people and I love being at home with them so that way for me it feels like the best of both worlds
I don't want my husband to do something he doesn't want to do on Christmas Day and I want him to enjoy it. He has said I'll do whatever you want but I know he's not happy about it and I don't want there to be any atmosphere and it ruin the day for both of us, I just don't understand why Boxing Day can't be our special day why does it have to be the 25th?
He says he wants to chill and have Christmas TV on in the background and open gifts leisurely and I get it but for me this is our Boxing Day, I've said we can save our gifts for Boxing Day if he'd prefers and treat it as real Christmas Day and we can go to my mums in the afternoon whatever time he wants, it was 2pm last year so I'm not wanting to go first thing by any means
He's also said to me one day we'll have 2 older kids and then what will we do and I understand what he's saying but grandparents aren't around forever and I feel very conflicted
Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I'm in the middle and I can't make everyone happy and it's giving me anxiety

OP posts:
ssd · 16/08/2023 13:24

Christ its too early for all this, chill out

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 16/08/2023 13:25

It’s august.
august.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 16/08/2023 13:27

But, since you ask, your mum is a 5 min walk away. Go and see her. Come back home. Compromise. You don’t need a full day trip for 5 mins down the road.

Peony654 · 16/08/2023 13:28

It’s august.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 16/08/2023 13:30

Imo why not remind dh next year will be extra special with a Dc2 so Christmas at home will be lovely then. This year Dc2 gets a busier time...
With 2 you really will appreciate not dragging loads of crap to visit family!

Possimpible · 16/08/2023 13:30

Your husband is being U for that wee snidey comment alone. Could you have Christmas morning just the three of you and then go to your mum's for Christmas dinner? That would seem the ideal compromise.

And yes it's August, but lots of people have shift-working partners or family who live far away, so lots of people do start thinking about it now.

TragicMuse · 16/08/2023 13:34

I get it. I thought I'd never want to spend Christmas Day away from my mum - I even said I'd have to marry an orphan because there was NO WAY I'd not be with my mum at Christmas!

Then I met my husband, who doesn't have living parents. But even with no in-laws there are some years where we - my husband, child and I - have spent it at home. Sometimes mum has come to us, sometimes to my sister's. Sometimes we've gone to my sister's too. Sometimes we all gather at my mum's.

This is the nature of extended family. My mum accepts that. She makes arrangements with friends when we aren't there.

Of course I'd LOVE to all be together. I love my mum and sister and I like spending time with them. But I also love my own bed. And not having to travel. And making our own traditions.

None of that is wrong.

I'd say if you've always spent it with her it's ok to want to make your own plans now. And your husband isn't wrong is his desire to do that.

It feels hard to do. It's also incredibly normal.

But you need to do it now. Just as she did before you. And just as your children will when they are grown.

SallySunrise · 16/08/2023 13:40

Is he planning on cooking Christmas dinner? Or has he decided your doing that?

Packageholiday · 16/08/2023 13:42

Can't you just swop days?
Don't dc seen each other at different times?

I think for ones day and a parent who lives 5 mins away out would be nice to accommodate what your husband wants.

Silvers11 · 16/08/2023 13:52

@kates2011 Ignore those saying that it's too early as it's only August to be thinking about this. It's not too early. We're already booked up to go away for Christmas and the hotel we wanted is already well booked up for the Christmas Period

I understand where you are coming from, and it's very difficult in these situations, but I would say your partner should come first this particular year. He has gone to your Mum's every Christmas so far, I think he ought to get his wish this year. As families grow, with children, or older parents are widowed and living on their own, things do need to be revisited and changed if necessary. You may need to take it year and year about in future.

I think it would be better to tell your Mum that you won't be coming this year on Christmas Day and you can see her on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day or another one close to Christmas. My OH and I spent a lot of years, always seeing my elderly Mother on Christmas Day because she was on her own, and she was very, very difficult, so no-one else, including my 2 siblings wanted to see her on Christmas Day and I hated Christmas Day every year.

One year I made it plain, at the very start of January, that the following year we were going to go away and spend Christmas on our own because we wanted a change. It went ok because there was plenty of warning. So do it NOW, so she and the rest of the family can get used to the idea.

BeeLievable · 16/08/2023 13:53

The problem I have with this is it seems to me he doesn't want you to spend Christmas with your family purely because he isn't spending it with his.

Your arrangement on Boxing Day is lovely time for the three of you. He has no reason except spite to insist "your" day is Christmas Day.

User43671481 · 16/08/2023 13:54

i can appreciate this from both sides really - I can understand him wanting a chilled out day, presumably you see your family a lot if they live that close? Christmas comes around every year…

have IN Laws said they don’t want to see you on Xmas day prompted by him saying he wants a chilled out day?

Surely there is another day you can all get together at your mums over Xmas and new year.

JanieEyre · 16/08/2023 13:58

I just don't understand why Boxing Day can't be our special day why does it have to be the 25th?

Now me, I just don't understand why Christmas Day can't be your special day and why does it have to be the 26th? Surely when you're married you should be each other's priority on Christmas Day? Why can't you do the big Christmas thing with your family on Boxing Day? They've had you there for Christmas for, presumably, at least 20 years, does it really make that much difference to them to wait one day?

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 16/08/2023 14:05

Interesting he pulls this on the year his parents aren’t there

cheddercherry · 16/08/2023 14:05

Maybe he feels less pressure now more people aren’t going to finally say he’d rather have a chilled day? If he knows your family will kick off then maybe he’s just not wanted to rock the boat.

I feel like giving him one year isn’t much of an ask when presumably you’ve had 20+ Christmas days at home. It’s not like he’s saying I don’t want to see your parent because he wants to just see his, he’s simply asking for time with you and your child which I don’t think is unreasonable. Your children might not always want to go over when they get bigger, they may want to spend time in their own home enjoying their toys. They might get older and want to spend it with their partners, or have a cosy family day. Change is inevitable in families. Not every person likes a chaotic busy family Christmas so I think at some point you may find you need to compromise for many reasons in years to come. If it’s all to avoid upsetting one person (your mum) then I’d argue that’s not really fair.

Ponderingwindow · 16/08/2023 14:07

What do you and your husband plan to do for visiting with his side of the family at Christmas?

i have to wonder if that is part of what is going on here? Was there an expectation that your family dominates and his just fits in?

also, for people saying it is august, so what. Many people need to make Christmas plans well in advance.

User43671481 · 16/08/2023 14:13

We already know that we are staying where we live for Christmas and no-one is coming to us - it’s good to have things sorted early.

Iouise · 16/08/2023 14:14

We do it like you do, we see family Christmas day whether we go to them or they come to us. And we do our thing boxing day. Neither of you are BU for wanting to do what you want to do, but its how you find a compromise.

Gymnopedie · 16/08/2023 14:18

It does sound like he's been OK with it while his family were there, but is now wanting Christmas the three of you because they won't be. Would he still have wanted it as a three if his parents had been going?

What's the relationship like between him and your mum and dad? How has he felt about previous Christmases?

ShowOfHands · 16/08/2023 14:18

We always spend Christmas with my parents (and my aunt and Grandma previously), brother and nieces. My Mum and I take turns hosting. Then Boxing Day is with the ILs and siblings/cousins/grandparents on DH's side.

Quiet family days happen throughout December, but Christmas Eve is the most special time just the four of us (if DH isn't working) and in hindsight, that's always been the most magical time with small children.

My dc are older now (16 and 12) and I ask them what's important about Christmas and they say seeing extended family. I've always checked that they don't feel dragged away from toys or any of the other MN rhetoric and they consistently state that it's the one bit they'd never change.

We lost one of my Grandmas just before Covid and the other, last year and I am so glad that we spent those Christmases together. My Dad is very unwell and I know won't have a million more Christmases. I pray that we have a couple more together.

I have no advice really. I wonder if your DH can express a little more clearly why Christmas Day itself needs to be your quiet family day and go from there. Not arguing or pushing for your way, just listening carefully to each other.

TeenDivided · 16/08/2023 14:21

Compromise.
e.g.
Have Xmas lunch at home, then you go over for a couple of hrs in the afternoon 3-5 either with or without your DH.
or
Your home this year, your parents the next.

hygieneversustheplanet · 16/08/2023 14:21

Silvers11 · 16/08/2023 13:52

@kates2011 Ignore those saying that it's too early as it's only August to be thinking about this. It's not too early. We're already booked up to go away for Christmas and the hotel we wanted is already well booked up for the Christmas Period

I understand where you are coming from, and it's very difficult in these situations, but I would say your partner should come first this particular year. He has gone to your Mum's every Christmas so far, I think he ought to get his wish this year. As families grow, with children, or older parents are widowed and living on their own, things do need to be revisited and changed if necessary. You may need to take it year and year about in future.

I think it would be better to tell your Mum that you won't be coming this year on Christmas Day and you can see her on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day or another one close to Christmas. My OH and I spent a lot of years, always seeing my elderly Mother on Christmas Day because she was on her own, and she was very, very difficult, so no-one else, including my 2 siblings wanted to see her on Christmas Day and I hated Christmas Day every year.

One year I made it plain, at the very start of January, that the following year we were going to go away and spend Christmas on our own because we wanted a change. It went ok because there was plenty of warning. So do it NOW, so she and the rest of the family can get used to the idea.

I agree. If you are going to shake up the status quo or deliver an unpopular message, the sooner it's done the better! Otherwise, you'll get people wailing that they've been let down last minute with no opportunity to make other arrangements. More guilt trips for you.

Fiddlerdragon · 16/08/2023 14:27

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 16/08/2023 13:25

It’s august.
august.

Well done for pointing out the obvious. The dilemma will still be the same whether it’s august or December the 1st. If they’re not on the same page then it’s better to sort out any compromises sooner rather than later.
Op could you pop out to your mums with the kids for a few hours in the afternoon and your oh can stay at home?

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 16/08/2023 14:27

My husband has said to me I obviously don't enjoy spending time just the three of us and my parents take priority, which has upset me.

Try this:

"Oh, I'm sorry I'll occasionally get my way and shamelessly drag you, innocent victim, to visit my family while building a human being inside me for us. Do you plan to do the cooking at home, clean and take care of a toddler in between 'chilling' because come December I'll be what 6(?) months pregnant and not up to cater for you in between [insert list of pregnancy woes]?"

And I do enjoy spending time just the three of us, love! BUT WE'RE NOT THREE ANYMORE, ARE WE? THERE'S YOU, ME, CHILD + A UTERUS WEIGHING ME DOWN WITH A FOURTH PERSON AND JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FEEL THAT BOULDER AGAINST YOUR BLADDER, I BL**DY WELL CAN!

Honestly, you are allowed to sit down with your family at Christmas and be pampered without him throwing guilt at you.

Throw the guilt back.
You are up for 9 months of hell and he's responsible.

Floralnomad · 16/08/2023 14:28

I agree with a pp , that he was happy with going to your mum all the time his parents were there but has now decided he doesn’t want to because they won’t be there . As they live so close I can’t see why you can’t go for dinner and a couple of hours and spend the rest of the day / evening at home .

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