Christmas Drama

[kates2011]

My husband and I have always been pretty lucky and spent Christmas with both of our parents at my mums house, we've never had to split time between families and my mum lives 5 minutes away so it's not spending the day travelling or anything like that. We have hosted before but I find it a bit much and struggle to enjoy it.
This year my husbands parents have said they're not coming and they'll see us another day, which is fine.
We will have a 3 year old by Christmas and I'm very early days pregnant at the minute too, my husbands opinion is he'd like to stay at home just the three of us and have a chill day.
I tried to suggest to my Mum that we do Christmas Day another day with my Brother, Sister in Law and Niece as I thought it might work out they were going to her parents this year but they're not going to her parents and they've already said they're going to my Mums on Christmas Day.
I know my mum will be upset if I say we aren't going for Christmas as we've always spent Christmas together. I also feel my daughter loves seeing extended family and her cousin on Christmas Day, as I do.
My husband has said to me I obviously don't enjoy spending time just the three of us and my parents take priority, which has upset me.
My husband and I have always done our own Christmas Day on Boxing Day so after all the socialising is done that's our special day together where we stay home and I cook Christmas Dinner and we chill and watch all the Christmas TV, set up gifts etc. and I personally love doing it that way because I think it's nice to spend Christmas with extended family but equally they're my immediate family and my favourite people and I love being at home with them so that way for me it feels like the best of both worlds
I don't want my husband to do something he doesn't want to do on Christmas Day and I want him to enjoy it. He has said I'll do whatever you want but I know he's not happy about it and I don't want there to be any atmosphere and it ruin the day for both of us, I just don't understand why Boxing Day can't be our special day why does it have to be the 25th?
He says he wants to chill and have Christmas TV on in the background and open gifts leisurely and I get it but for me this is our Boxing Day, I've said we can save our gifts for Boxing Day if he'd prefers and treat it as real Christmas Day and we can go to my mums in the afternoon whatever time he wants, it was 2pm last year so I'm not wanting to go first thing by any means
He's also said to me one day we'll have 2 older kids and then what will we do and I understand what he's saying but grandparents aren't around forever and I feel very conflicted
Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I'm in the middle and I can't make everyone happy and it's giving me anxiety

Funny how he was happy to be hosted and fed by your DM, but doesn't want to host her now she might potentially be alone. Strange how the "only nuclear family this year" crap got rolled out when his DParents were doing their own thing, and that your Mum hasn't been factored in.

Also, at 6 Months pregnant in December, I'd quickly wipe the idea out his head that he'll be sat in front of the TV getting merry whilst you're running around cooking like a blue arsed fly. Has he offered to cook? I bet he hasn't.

Is he generally this thoughtless?

It seems that as you always go to your Mum’s house, your DP and his parents have been the ones compromising. You say you want to go there again, what about your husband? He says what he wants to do and you try to talk him out of it. So you want him to be free to do what he wants theoretically but not in practice.

Your PIL have spent the last few (?) christmases with their son, his wife, her parents and her brother and his wife and child. This is your family, not your husbands. And I think he’s right, your parents do take priority. (Where is your dad in this? You mention ‘parents’ but don’t actually mention him.)

It seems you have your plan of what Christmas is and where everyone (ie you, your husband and child) should be and that is that. Even when his parents said they weren’t going this year it looks like you just said ‘oh ok’ and that was that. They’re not in the equation any more.

Why can’t your husband have his wish to have one Christmas in his own home with his pregnant wife and child? It seems like a very normal request to me.

And you wrote ‘I just don't understand why Boxing Day can't be our special day why does it have to be the 25th?’ To that, I say ‘I just don’t understand why Christmas Day can’t be your special day, why does it have to be on the 26th?’

Also, if I was your DM I probably wouldn't say it, but I'd be pretty upset that I'd hosted everyone for years and noone wanted to host me when "doing their own thing" to give me a break.

I spent Christmas at my MIL’s since 2004 until the pandemic. She is a widow and lives alone. my parents were in the States, and then passed away, and the costs to travel there were too much. When we lived further away, we stayed at hers Christmas week, we got the tree until she decided they were too messy, and bouhght and took a lot of the fixings for dinner. I cooked the sides, and she cooked the roast.

When we moved closer to her in 2013, we spent Christmas Eve, Christmas and boxing day with her and spent two nights there, and I gradually picked up more and more of the cooking and prep till it really fell all on me as she was getting older. There wasn’t a lot to do as she lives in a small market town that shuts down for Christmas week, so after DH saw a couple of his friends, the holidays were pretty boring

Then the pandemic hit. It was the first time DH and I had Christmas to ourselves. Whilst the circumstance was not great, I have to admit it made a really nice change. no travel, no hassle, no expectations. Now she comes here on Christmas day…DH picks her up, I make lunch and we have a visit in the kitchen, exchange presents, and then he takes her home in the early evening with a basket of goodies (biscuits, huge chunk of stilton, biscuits, bottle of port, etc). We do the same for Easter and her birthday. During the year, we pop by once a week to see she is OK and to visit. She’s 90, so often falls asleep in the easy chair after the Christmas meal anyhow, and DH and I are tiptoeing around so we don’t wake her up. It isn’t that festive, but we have a responsibility to make sure she has a decent holiday and isn’t on her own.

My long way of saying I totally get why your husband wants just to chill out on Christmas. I’m frankly looking forward to having the holiday to ourselves and relaxing rather than having to be up early, worrying if the joint will be to her liking, or withstanding the comments there isn’t enough gravy, making endless cups of coffee, tea, and all that clean up. I like a tree and presents, but to be fair, I’d be happy with a roast chicken and some mash and a bottle of wine, with a store bought cake for pudding.

Spend Christmas day at home if that's what your husband wants.

Pop round to your mums in the late afternoon or early evening for an hour or so, cup of tea and a mince pie or whatever - she's 5 minutes away so I don't really get the drama.

I would go along with your dh wishes this year.
I got on fine with my in-laws but no way would I have spent every single Christmas at their house.
I’d bet good money OP’s in laws are fed up of the past arrangements and are prepared to not go even if it means not seeing their ds and dgc.

but of course he's less keen if his parents aren't there. I am going to assume that OP's DH gets on well with his in-laws.

I loathed mine and the idea of spending 1 extra second with them without other people there that i wanted to see make me really cross.

I just think that as a pair of adults with their own family, now is a good time to start new traditions, and maybe take on some of the load of entertaining?

YABU and selfish. You've had it your way for years.

It does sound a bit like it all fits around your family - his parents going to your parents house. I wouldn't wouldn't want to be going to my daughter in laws parents every year. I can't see why your mum will be so upset - you're still only going to be 5 minutes away and your sister and her family will be there. What if his parents had suggested you go to them - what would you have said?

Your daughter and you are still going to be able to spend time with your extended family. I'd be inclined to say to your mum we're going to have xmas day at home this year with his parents not coming and we'll see you all boxing day/xmas eve any of the other days.
I would make it clear if you're not going - he is pulling his weight re cooking and you're not doing it all whilst he sits watching tv eating Quality street,

Your mum is t going to be on her own.

Either enjoy a lovely day with your husband and child or if you really feel the need, walk over early in the morning with your daughter and spend an hour there and then come home.

No need for al this drama.

Honestly you couldn't pay me to drag my kids out of the house on Christmas.

Every Christmas I had with family came with drama... it was fine just me & mam as kids and its fine just me, DH and kids now but the years in between with step parents, uncles, grandparents, IL etc... just miserable.

Have you ever actually tried the nuclear family christmas OP you might love it (especially as you are going to have your own little family unit).

Worst comes to the worst just invite your mam to visit for dinner of something.

Why do people always trot out (it might be whoever's last Christmas)?
Do they not see their relatives the rest of the year?

Ask him who is cooking his Christmas dinner on his chilled out at home day.

Tell him you're not.

Go from there.

You must see your mother all the time as she lives so close to you!

OP, you need a little more clarity ?

1. Would your Mum be alone at Xmas if you did the 'nuclear' family only day your DH wants ? (If she would, that's a really horrible thing to do when she's catered for you all, every year, without complaint !)
2. Who does he expect to be doing the cooking/shopping/decorations/gifts etc ? (Cos if it's going to be all down to YOU, then I'd be telling him to take a hike !)
3. Is he expecting the usual Xmas plans to be resurrected the following year if his parents want it to ? (Again, I'd be saying 'no fucking way' if that was the case !)
4. Do you think he would be willing to compromise in any way ? i.e You popping down to see your Mum for a couple of hours while HE cooks ? Or maybe booking a meal out instead for late afternoon, so you get a nice leisurely morning and early afternoon, with someone else doing the cooking/clean up etc ?

It would entirely depend upon (for me anyway) whether or not my DH's 'idea' of a 'nuclear Xmas day' would leave my Mum alone, which simply would not be acceptable to me. Would it mean ME doing all the fucking donkey work and HIM sitting playing with DD ? ( and if he's open to discussion about how to compromise so the best solution could be found for everyone ?)

It sounds like he wants to take the opportunity of his parents deciding to have Xmas day elsewhere to shut out your DM/DP's for the whole day, which is NOT his decision, it has to be a JOINT one ?

The whole idea of starting to have your own Xmas Day 'traditions' is fine in, and of, itself. It's the bloody arrogance he has in 'deciding' for you BOTH that I'd have an issue with ?

It sounds like he wants to take the opportunity of his parents deciding to have Xmas day elsewhere to shut out your DM/DP’s for the whole day ….

I think he just wants to stay in his own house: Eat what he wants when he wants, wear what he wants, watch what he wants on the TV… Sometimes it’s nice just to do your own thing. Even on Christmas Day.

No matter how much you like your parents, or your in-laws, sometimes it’s just nice to have a quiet one at home.

Just because he’s gone along with your plans for the last few years, doesn’t mean that he would choose to do it every year.

Oh Dear - Why oh why, do people not read the OP's posts before commentating?

The OP has clearly
a) referred to both her parents - plural.
b) She has also said very clearly that her Brother, Sister in Law and Niece are all going to her Mum's on Christmas Day

OPs Mum will NOT be alone on Christmas Day 🙄🙄

This.

Its nice to sit around in lounge wear being all comfortable (especially after dinner).

It's nice to watch crap on TV not being forced to watch the queen speech and the Italian job or some other old film the older members want or vice verse with a kids film for child free adults.

Its nice to go in your own kitchen and pick at random bits all day not having to wait and stay out of the way.

Its nice not to have the walking on eggshells because someone (grumpy Uncle Barnaby etc...) had too much baileys.

All the people saying OP will be forced to cook, not really... my DH insists on cooking but everything we buy is easy and ready prepared anyway. I never get the Martyrdom over this stuff + if your not hosting have ANYTHING you want you don't have to toil over a 8 hours slow cooked Turdukin or something.

I have nuerological disabilities that cause hyper activity when over stimulated and stressed. Its physically exhausting trying to conform.

My DH is severely anxious and introverted. Oldest DS has Autism so introverted too and My youngest DS also has my condition and will fly of the handle with hyper activity.

I think even most neurotypical people struggle with the stress of xmas as you constantly get 'drama threads'.

It's nice to just chill.

I'm with your DP on this one.
Use it to your advantage though - pop round to your mums with your little on on Xmas morning for a present opening session while he preps the veg etc. Then once you get back you can have the day all to yourselves.

No, I don’t. I see them at Christmas and not at all otherwise due to distance and cost.

How horrible, sounds like he's trying to control you.

It sounds like he’s being a twat because his parents aren’t coming, so he doesn’t want you to see your parents either.

He sounds controlling and like he’s guilt tripping you.

This. Of all the years to be able to take it easy on Christmas Day, the one when you’re six months pregnant is top of the list.