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AIBU?

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Original poster

Christmas Drama

73 replies

kates2011 · 16/08/2023 13:13

My husband and I have always been pretty lucky and spent Christmas with both of our parents at my mums house, we've never had to split time between families and my mum lives 5 minutes away so it's not spending the day travelling or anything like that. We have hosted before but I find it a bit much and struggle to enjoy it.
This year my husbands parents have said they're not coming and they'll see us another day, which is fine.
We will have a 3 year old by Christmas and I'm very early days pregnant at the minute too, my husbands opinion is he'd like to stay at home just the three of us and have a chill day.
I tried to suggest to my Mum that we do Christmas Day another day with my Brother, Sister in Law and Niece as I thought it might work out they were going to her parents this year but they're not going to her parents and they've already said they're going to my Mums on Christmas Day.
I know my mum will be upset if I say we aren't going for Christmas as we've always spent Christmas together. I also feel my daughter loves seeing extended family and her cousin on Christmas Day, as I do.
My husband has said to me I obviously don't enjoy spending time just the three of us and my parents take priority, which has upset me.
My husband and I have always done our own Christmas Day on Boxing Day so after all the socialising is done that's our special day together where we stay home and I cook Christmas Dinner and we chill and watch all the Christmas TV, set up gifts etc. and I personally love doing it that way because I think it's nice to spend Christmas with extended family but equally they're my immediate family and my favourite people and I love being at home with them so that way for me it feels like the best of both worlds
I don't want my husband to do something he doesn't want to do on Christmas Day and I want him to enjoy it. He has said I'll do whatever you want but I know he's not happy about it and I don't want there to be any atmosphere and it ruin the day for both of us, I just don't understand why Boxing Day can't be our special day why does it have to be the 25th?
He says he wants to chill and have Christmas TV on in the background and open gifts leisurely and I get it but for me this is our Boxing Day, I've said we can save our gifts for Boxing Day if he'd prefers and treat it as real Christmas Day and we can go to my mums in the afternoon whatever time he wants, it was 2pm last year so I'm not wanting to go first thing by any means
He's also said to me one day we'll have 2 older kids and then what will we do and I understand what he's saying but grandparents aren't around forever and I feel very conflicted
Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I'm in the middle and I can't make everyone happy and it's giving me anxiety

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 16/08/2023 14:29

How about he does the cooking as he wants it at home and you take a walk round to your mum's with your 3 year old and then have a wander back when he calls to say dinner is served?

Godlovesall26 · 16/08/2023 14:29

Well I’m really biased because Christmas with my grandparents and extended family are some of my absolute favorite childhood memories (GP are now departed, some siblings not speaking, so we have quiet Christmases every year.

FastBlueHedgehog · 16/08/2023 14:30

I'm picking up on the wrong thing here but why is it ok for other people to host you but you find it too much to host? I can't understand full grown adults who think it's ok to continuously rock up to aging parents and expect them to do it, but then only want to be at their house on their own. I'm probably just bitter having hosted endless Christmas dinners as my siblings and my husband's siblings (despite everyone being 40+) can't manage to do it either. They can manage to be guests though. Plus side is i haven't had to go to any one else's house for Christmas since I had kids 😁

ButterCrackers · 16/08/2023 14:33

Stay home with your dh and child. Enjoy. Relax. Let him do the cooking. Go round to your parents in Boxing Day. Have a chat with them and explain that your dh wants to stay home with his immediate family. It sounds like he wants to look after you and treat you on Christmas Day.

mindutopia · 16/08/2023 14:34

I think it's lovely to have a quiet Christmas some years. And if you've always visited your parents, then doing Christmas at home this year sounds fair. Or alternatively, you and dc pop over for a few hours before lunch and your dh stayed home and starts the cooking and then you come home to finish up lunch together. Then visit family on Boxing Day together.

I personally am a lover of quiet Christmases. Dh would like to have the family to visit every year. Unfortunately, we are not in a situation where we could ever go to family for them to host (BIL and partner live too far away and no room for a family of 4, we are not welcome at MIL's house due to her partner), so if the family wants to be together on Christmas, the only way for that to happen is for us to host. Honestly, I hate it. I guess it's not so much the family Christmas as it is the week of house guests. I can't even say to dh that if he invites them, he has to cook, because then I have to bloody entertain them. And I'd rather not. For a day would be fine, but 7 days of 3 meals a day, plus eating all the snacks and drinking all the drink, and having to constantly make small talk... 😫

I know this isn't what you're asking. But it sounds like this will be your last Christmas as a family of 3, so I think a quiet one would be appropriate, if your dh has supported you to have Christmas with your family every year.

User43671481 · 16/08/2023 14:34

Ha @FastBlueHedgehog agree 100 percent there - ageing grandparents hosted in our family (we didn’t go as we do our own thing), wore themselves out cooking and caught a bug from relatives, all well old enough to be able to host and cook a dinner.

Remembermynamealways · 16/08/2023 14:34

It’s very very convenient that he now wants a Christmas at home now his family aren’t coming.

I would compromise, have the leisurely presents and morning together, and then have Christmas lunch with your Mum as normal.

We have organised Christmas and all of December weekends, by mid September I am busy buying presents!

ASGIRC · 16/08/2023 14:35

JanieEyre · 16/08/2023 13:58

I just don't understand why Boxing Day can't be our special day why does it have to be the 25th?

Now me, I just don't understand why Christmas Day can't be your special day and why does it have to be the 26th? Surely when you're married you should be each other's priority on Christmas Day? Why can't you do the big Christmas thing with your family on Boxing Day? They've had you there for Christmas for, presumably, at least 20 years, does it really make that much difference to them to wait one day?

See, I dont see it like that AT ALL.
For me Christmas is about the family. The WHOLE family, not just a specific family unit.
So not having the whole family together on Christmas seems wrong and weird.
No one in my family does it.
Obviously, some have to go to inlaws every other year, and then we get together the next day, but the MAIN celebration is with the whole family.
Its rare theres less than 20 of us, sometimes more than 30, when everything aligns and everyone can be together. And I cant imagine spending Christmas any other way.

So for me, much like the OP, this would be problematic.

rainbowstream · 16/08/2023 14:35

I’m with him I’m afraid. When I was a child we had Christmas Day at home, Christmas eve with one set of grandparents and Boxing Day with the other set.

When our DC were very young we alternated spending Christmas with each set of parents but we stopped a few years ago and started spending it at home and we much prefer it. We visit family another time during December or the new year. You’re lucky you live close to your families so it isn’t a big deal at all.

FrenchandSaunders · 16/08/2023 14:39

If your main worry is your mum being upset then she just has to accept it.
My DDs are adults now and I want them to do what makes them happy on Christmas Day, not what I want.
I'd obv love both of them to be at home but things change.

We still have elderly MIL who comes to us, but in the future if we have a Christmas Day just me and DH, we'll go away on holiday.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 16/08/2023 14:39

Peony654 · 16/08/2023 13:28

It’s august.

And in my family we sort out Christmas by May at the latest.

What’s your point?

Ffsmakeitstop · 16/08/2023 14:40

It doesn't matter why he wants a change this year. He has expressed a preference and why not if he's been going to in laws every year?. This kind of nonsense is why we always stayed at home. My children are now adults and because they are all single they still come to us, but when they eventually get partners or want to be elsewhere I will not be laying any guilt trips on them it's nonsense.

JANEY205 · 16/08/2023 14:41

I much prefer having Christmas at home with my children and having grandparents come over if they want to. I never enjoyed the big Christmas gatherings but loved seeing cousins on Boxing Day.

I find it a bit strange you all still go to your Mum and she is expected to still host tbh. Most adults I know start hosting and grandparents come to them.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 16/08/2023 14:42

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 16/08/2023 13:25

It’s august.
august.

And? Some people sort out Christmas months in advance. Just because you don’t doesn’t mean it’s unusual. I’ve had my Christmas arranged since May.

lastseasonstop · 16/08/2023 14:43

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 16/08/2023 13:25

It’s august.
august.

And?

LocalHobo · 16/08/2023 14:43

Once we had DC we have always stayed home - how else would Santa know whose chimney to use- with an open door to anyone who wants to come to us. As the family are far flung, this has led to a full bed situation some years, but Christmas is all about sharing the happiness of the season so we squish in, or some choose to book a room at the local pub.

Isitautumnyet23 · 16/08/2023 14:47

Firstly its too early for any dramas 😂 but as you are in a lucky position of only being 5 mins away, you can easily compromise. Do presents at home, have a leisurely morning and then go for lunch at your Mums (obviously helping with the clear up afterwards, not just turning up for lunch) 😀 Have a relaxed afternoon with the family but a chilled out morning at home.

dreamingofsun · 16/08/2023 14:50

Compromise is obviously key, so maybe christmas at home and meet up with family another day. BUT he doesnt get to chill whilst you slave away cooking.....so i think a few ground rules need to be discussed first for clarity

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 16/08/2023 14:50

I think quite a few posters are ignoring a few things in OPs post:

a) she wants to go home for Christmas
b) he was quite happy to do so when his parents were there
c) their child wants to spend Christmas with the whole family
d) the "ageing parents shouldn't be exposed/will be tired playing host" is nonsense. The rest of the family is going.

Perhaps take into account what OP is actually writing instead of thinking she feels the same as you?

Why should OP be the only one to compromise?

PriOn1 · 16/08/2023 14:56

OP, if Christmas is at home, will he expect you to do the cooking?

If the answer is yes, tell him you are going to your Mum’s. You are pregnant.

If he wants you home, he can do the dinner and look after your older child as you are pregnant.

He’s sounding like a bit of an arsehole. Are you finding you’re expected to do more and more, now ypuvhave children?

BadNomad · 16/08/2023 14:57

How about you and child visit your mum on Christmas day while he works on making the dinner? Or does he just want to sit on his ass the whole day.

BungleandGeorge · 16/08/2023 14:58

I think it’s irrelevant that he’s been in previous years, he’s allowed to not want to spend every single Christmas with the in-laws. His parents are probably fed up of going to them too! The child is only 2 years old and really won’t have an opinion! The only fair way is to alternate who chooses each year. If you let him have this year you’ll get next year when you’ve got a little baby. It is unfair to expect to see your parents every year.

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 16/08/2023 15:04

Good luck opening presents leisurely with a 3 year old!

Brefugee · 16/08/2023 15:08

tbh i do think your DH has a point - having a 3 year old and a new baby makes it much more complicated (even only going 5 minutes away - and maybe his parents would like to host their grandchildren some years?)

Many people do a 3 year rotation - so that the GPs get to host Christmas one year each then the family stay home, or every other year with one or other set of GPs and the other year home etc.

Starting your own nuclear family is a good time to set up family traditions and have the Christmas that suits the 4 of you.

LaffTaff · 16/08/2023 15:11

My husband is happy at anyone's house, so long as there's endless food (and he's fine to cook, if that's the arrangement). Threads like this are clarity that I love his default contentment to do as he's told go with the flow 😂