DH thinks I'm stuck up because I hate making a scene / shouting outside

[Sharknails]

DH is a loud person and I often find myself asking him to please keep his voice down.

We were running late to go out this morning and he was getting stressed as it was him we were waiting on as usual. He doesn't handle stress well (I suspect he's autistic and with good reason as our 2 children are)

He's going from room to room moaning at the top of his voice whilst the windows are wide open as are the neighbours. We live in a flat and we can hear one another when our mutual windows are open.

DC2 gets in his way, mid huff, so he starts shouting about how this is why he can never get ready. Bla bla bla. Raised voice again.

I find it so embarrassing.

I lost my own temper (whilst managing not to shout, remarkable eh?) and said he's causing a show, he doesn't give a damn who hears what and I'm sick of it.

The other week we had a falling out over similar behaviour. He was getting frustrated getting ready to leave the flat and brought the attitude outside with him, loudly moaning and going on like Victor Meldew on crack as we're walking down the path past a neighbour tending to their car.

If he's annoyed / pissed off he thinks nothing of making a show of himself and us by being loud and attracting attention and I fucking hate it.

I grew up with a parent like that and was bullied relentlessly as a result of it. I was the "nutters" kid.

I told him straight that this was the last time I'm going to put up with this shit and I don't want to hear it again.. and I mean it.

He said he thinks I'm just "trying to look middle class" which is total rubbish.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable or would you be driven mad by something like this?

Frankly? he is not going to change. You have 2 choices.

Sounds like a pain in the hole.

I'd hate it too.

Does he realise you meant what you said when you told him it was the last time you'd put up with that shit?

I couldn't live with that.

Awful.

Loud, uncouth, attention seeking.

@Brefugee is correct, you have two choices.

Omg, he sounds like he has proper mantrums.

I would not tolerate this behaviour at all. It's ick inducing.

Might sound dramatic, but I'd think about leaving.

If he's like this now, can you imagine what he would be like in his 60s/70s.

You think he's victor meldrew now!! Think of the shit on years to come.

My mum's husband has autism and I can't imagine him EVER acting like this.

His horrible temper is the problem, to be honest, not the neighbours hearing. If he can’t control his rage, and also organise himself better in the mornings, I’d be having a rethink.

I hate people shouting, it’s very upsetting.

Also, stick around and it won't be long until your kids start modelling their dads behaviour and shouting and mocking you.

Absolutely untenable. YANBU.

But, I’m going to ask that tediously obvious / unhelpful question - hasn’t he been always been like this?

I mean, I know it’s unhelpful, and yes, I’m sure he’s got worse over the years / as the kids have arrived, etc.

But - the point is - this is him. He doesn’t care enough about it to change. He doesn’t want to change. So, your options are limited.

YANBU. No raised voices in our house; it always makes things feel more stressful to me. And if that makes me middle-class, then great. I’ve lived with the drama and never again frankly.

He's getting worse the older he gets. He has always been a bit of a moaner on occasion but this past few years it's gotten ridiculous.

Mantrums sums it up perfectly and yes it's massively Ick inducing.

Autism definitely doesn't excuse how he conducts himself but is, I believe, why he gets easily overwhelmed.

It was well masked before we had kids as he never really had much to stress about iyswim?

Our ASD DS (albeit 6) is also a shouter and will do it in the street, on the train, in the shops.. he has obviously learnt from DH that it's an acceptable way to channel frustration and I'm finding it difficult to nip in the bud.

I hope he does believe me when I said it's the last time I'm putting up with that as I mean it. I cannot live with it. It's infuriating and humiliating.

Good on you for saying ‘no more’. If (when) it happens again, what will you do?

He hasn't always been like this no. We've been together for 8 years. He's always had the odd grump which i would make light of but never like this. He wouldn't have made it past the threshold.

It's got so much worse after having children.

He's fine until he's under pressure then turns into a tantrumming toddler.

I'll do as I told him I would, send him packing to his fathers house.

Good for you.

@CrazyArmadilloLady I think it’s a fair question. I have a similar DH to OP. I have questioned ASD (we have one child with it, but completely different in presentation).

I always say my DH has not changed, but I have and our circumstances have. I think pre-children I didn’t realise how much I did to manage the environment to control his strops, in what was a much more controlled and predictable environment. So yes, looking back there were signs, but they didn’t overly concern me.

Fast forward 15 years, busy household, children, lots more demands on us (parenting, life, money) and him sulking and huffing and puffing cooking the tea, because I’ve now established, a couple of hours later, was because I was home later then I said (emergency at work). When we were first together I would probably have pandered to him and apologised - now I get cross because I think he’s being ridiculous and it feels like I have another child. Cue an argument. He’s apologised now but I’m still annoyed.

OP he won’t improve. You either learn to live with it (and try and build in lots of space without him) or you leave.

I can’t stand loud, shouty people. I’m not sure if it’s a middle class thing but it really makes me cringe. My dh is a bit of a shouter, not with us but at others when driving, people doing stupid things when out and about etc. I hate it.

Good OP. Life's too short for you to put up with this shit 💐

My dh is autistic and can be like this sometimes, once he gets going there really is no way to stop him but just let him rant it out. I just remind myself that he is disabled and if people want to judge him then crack on, the very same people probably babble on about the importance of recognising hidden disabilities but when actually presented with the reality they act like judgmental twats.

We are talking about adults who grew up with zero support or knowledge of their disability. Emotional dysregulation and autism is a thing, if I said stop doing that or you have to leave well I may as well be asking him to change the colour of the sky. A disability is a disability, they can't just magic it away because you don't like it.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head.

I was 22 when we got together and I'm almost 30 now. I have matured and grown in ways I haven't seen him mature and grow.

22 year old me wouldn't have been as mortified as 30 year old me, and 22 year old me didn't have two children around who I was trying to model appropriate behaviour for.

He's 9 years older than me and the older I get the less acceptable his childishness is to me.

As with you - looking back there were signs, just not as many stressors and triggers.

As I've been typing this I'm reminded of a date we had at a restaurant that was busier than expected and instead of just going somewhere else he stands there in the middle of the foyer moaning loudly. I was embarrassed, just clearly not embarrassed enough to run in the opposite direction. I was young and in love. Love is blind so they say.

If I met a man now who did that early on there wouldn't be another date. I'm so disappointed in myself for overlooking something that has become such a big problem for me and now we have children stuck in the midst.

I think I know what I need to do. It's just shit isn't it?

Good explanation @Countrymiles

My DH is the one who abhors any sort of scene or raised voices - and he’s from working class stock.

I am not a shouter! Far from it. But I (middle class) definitely care less what strangers think of me/us - he very much does care.

It’s not a class thing, no matter how much the OP’s DH might try to minimise and dismiss it as such.

That’s just him trying to (yes, that old chestnut) gaslight the OP into putting up with it.

He's not a parcel, you don't get to 'send' him anywhere I'm afraid.

If you're 100% serious that you're not going to put up with this anymore (and so you shouldn't), you need to sit him down and speak to him properly about it.

If you want to divorce him if/when it happens again, you need to spell it out to him now.

My ex used to do this a lot
he Did it on purpose as he knew I was mortified by it
i had to stop going out in public with him in the end as I was having panic attacks left eventually after 20 years now realise I’m not mad it’s not me

I would really hate to be "the shouty house" that annoys the neighbours and broadcasts all their business to the street. You always feel sorry for their kids.

No, this is terrible and has nothing to do with class. We never make a scene in public. We yell plenty at home, but not where anyone can hear us.

Small kids are stressy, but the answer is to go for a walk or a run or put headphones on or something... but not yell in public!

@Sharknails it is shit.

I just don’t have the energy to separate at the moment. What with work, kids and managing him (which would continue to an extent if we divorced as I know I would be the one having to take the lead on divorce and custody arrangements). So I feel like I’m just surviving and hoping by some miracle things magically sort themselves out.

I went away with the kids for a week on my own in July and it was amazing. I came home and my DH was all “I missed you so much” and I thought “I didn’t miss you at all”.

I see where you're coming from and that's the sort of thing I think or say when DS is having a meltdown in public, he can't help it he has a disability and that's that.

Over the years there has been a handful of things I've had to work hard to change such as him spitting. It's a sensory thing but he took it to the extreme and would spit on the train, in the shop etc.

So whilst his autism explains it, it doesn't excuse it iyswim?

I completely empathise with DH getting overwhelmed and would never begrudge him the option to leave the flat and go for a walk to calm down, or even shutting himself in the loo for 10 minutes.

He has no interest in pursuing a diagnosis and would never commit to doing anything to learn to help himself unfortunately.