DH thinks I'm stuck up because I hate making a scene / shouting outside

[Sharknails]

DH is a loud person and I often find myself asking him to please keep his voice down.

We were running late to go out this morning and he was getting stressed as it was him we were waiting on as usual. He doesn't handle stress well (I suspect he's autistic and with good reason as our 2 children are)

He's going from room to room moaning at the top of his voice whilst the windows are wide open as are the neighbours. We live in a flat and we can hear one another when our mutual windows are open.

DC2 gets in his way, mid huff, so he starts shouting about how this is why he can never get ready. Bla bla bla. Raised voice again.

I find it so embarrassing.

I lost my own temper (whilst managing not to shout, remarkable eh?) and said he's causing a show, he doesn't give a damn who hears what and I'm sick of it.

The other week we had a falling out over similar behaviour. He was getting frustrated getting ready to leave the flat and brought the attitude outside with him, loudly moaning and going on like Victor Meldew on crack as we're walking down the path past a neighbour tending to their car.

If he's annoyed / pissed off he thinks nothing of making a show of himself and us by being loud and attracting attention and I fucking hate it.

I grew up with a parent like that and was bullied relentlessly as a result of it. I was the "nutters" kid.

I told him straight that this was the last time I'm going to put up with this shit and I don't want to hear it again.. and I mean it.

He said he thinks I'm just "trying to look middle class" which is total rubbish.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable or would you be driven mad by something like this?

Of course poor behaviour shouldn't gp unchecked but 'stop it now or I will leave' is never going to work. It is always going to be a gradual process to shed a life long coping mechanism. Working out alternative ways that work for allof you can be done with time, thought and care but again if the care and respect isn't there it isn't going to work.

that only works if DH is on board. So i don't think the "ultimatum" should be "stop or i leave" it should be "if this carries on i am off", because ND or not - OP doesn't have to put up with this behaviour and refusal to engage with her on the subject in any meaningful way.

I could get him to agree to try things that would help an adult with ASD but i know, knowing him as I do, it would be a short lived effort and he wouldn't commit to anything long term.

I mentioned having a hidden disability myself and don't mind sharing that it's PTSD and ADHD that I have. Inattentive type ADHD was diagnosed two years ago after a lifetime of thinking I'm just crap at life.

As soon as the possibility was brought to my attention I set about doing all of the reading I could and learning about the condition. I follow dozens of ADHD content creators, have read multiple books, started religiously organising my life through Google calander, different colours for different commitments, dozens of reminders, all which was life changing.

He doesn't do any of that. He refuses to spend any time looking into how "high functioning" autism affects adults. If I send him resources he complains that it's too long and he doesn't like reading. He says himself he suspects he is autistic as he can relate to almost all of the things I've relayed to him from my own research, he just won't do anything about it.

We've had communication issues for years as he shuts down when there's anything important to discuss. I've highlighted it as a major issue but then it's me just going and looking into ways to make it better. Me watching hours of content on the how and the whys. If I send him links he says he'll look but then 'forgets' to.

I've been asking him to come with me to couples counselling for years. He doesn't want to as he feels too awkward talking to a stranger about his business.

I have tried my absolute best to help him whilst navigating my own stuff, dealing with all of our life admin, the kids etc.

I sourced the nurseries, schools, dealt with the EHCP, the DLA. If I ask for his input in anything he just says "it's up to you"

We moved this year. It was me that managed the savings fund. Me who did all of the property searching. Me who did the viewings and sorted the tenancy, paid the deposits etc.

It was exactly the same the first time we moved years ago. Me doing everything.

He's not lazy about changing nappies, popping to the shop to get bits or sticking the tea on but when it comes to actual adulting it all falls to me otherwise nothing gets done.

Bare in mind I have / had executive dysfunction issues myself but now successfully manage them by micromanaging myself and my schedule to make sure everything gets done. (I actually got the Google calander tips from a mumsnetter with ADHD who shared her wisdom - if by any chance you're reading then THANK YOU! Life changing)

I get terrible migraines every other day and am dealing with so much personally but the way he goes on moaning you'd think it was him with the weight of the world on his shoulders as he's just so negative.

There's nothing worse than hearing loud, brutish men barging around whilst their DW and DC run after them trying to appease. The spitting is absolutely disgusting, and ASD or not, he could have done it in a tissue.

I'm pleased you're not going to tolerate this behaviour anymore as OP as it's really unfair. Either he works on getting properly diagnosed and supported, or you make plans to leave.

I say this as someone with ADHD and ASD myself

I might not have been very clear, it's my little boy with autism that spits, not DH 😬

I was just highlighting that as a poster suggested DH can't help getting stressed as he's disabled, I mentioned DS spitting to give an example of unreasonable behaviour that shouldn't be excused on account of disability. I.E DS has to learn not to spit, DH needs to learn not to shout iyswim.

Get rid, op. Your poor kids. I know you don't want them to suffer through the same upbringing you did.

@Sharknails Ah sorry OP I misread that as your DH spitting.
Yes you're right, you shouldn't have to put up with your DH behaviour.

Who cares if he thinks you're "trying to be middle class"? Sounds like just another tatty thing he says and another reason to ditch him.

have read your updates OP.

I go back to my first comment: You have 2 choices (that is: Status Quo or leave and get rid of this weight around your neck)

I'd take the 2nd option. You have tried repeatedly, he blocks. Nothing will change. So unless you can accept Status Quo, you're down to one option.