DH thinks I'm stuck up because I hate making a scene / shouting outside

[Sharknails]

DH is a loud person and I often find myself asking him to please keep his voice down.

We were running late to go out this morning and he was getting stressed as it was him we were waiting on as usual. He doesn't handle stress well (I suspect he's autistic and with good reason as our 2 children are)

He's going from room to room moaning at the top of his voice whilst the windows are wide open as are the neighbours. We live in a flat and we can hear one another when our mutual windows are open.

DC2 gets in his way, mid huff, so he starts shouting about how this is why he can never get ready. Bla bla bla. Raised voice again.

I find it so embarrassing.

I lost my own temper (whilst managing not to shout, remarkable eh?) and said he's causing a show, he doesn't give a damn who hears what and I'm sick of it.

The other week we had a falling out over similar behaviour. He was getting frustrated getting ready to leave the flat and brought the attitude outside with him, loudly moaning and going on like Victor Meldew on crack as we're walking down the path past a neighbour tending to their car.

If he's annoyed / pissed off he thinks nothing of making a show of himself and us by being loud and attracting attention and I fucking hate it.

I grew up with a parent like that and was bullied relentlessly as a result of it. I was the "nutters" kid.

I told him straight that this was the last time I'm going to put up with this shit and I don't want to hear it again.. and I mean it.

He said he thinks I'm just "trying to look middle class" which is total rubbish.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable or would you be driven mad by something like this?

We had that conversation today and I made myself crystal clear.

There was more to the conversation than just "be quiet or you can leave" I explained exactly why I find it upsetting, the impact on the children and so on.

Absolutely this! I have two asd children myself, 1 diagnosed, 1 being assessed. Highly likely I’m also Asd, also not yet diagnosed I get extremely overwhelmed at times, it often comes out as anger and frustration. What might be just ‘getting ready’ to neurotypical people, can be a huge deal to me.

@Sharknails I have exactly the same with my DH. He will use possible ASD as an excuse when convenient, but when I’ve suggested he gets assessed for autism (he works for a big company and I’m sure they would refer and probably pay (good health insurance/employee well-being); he point blank refuses and says there is nothing wrong with him. He knows his behaviour impacts the kids and me, but as no desire to even investigate if there are reasons and strategies that could be put in place to help.

Autism when convenient, then.

The problem isn't that he's embarrassing or making a show of himself.

The problem is that his behaviour is completely immature, attention-seeking, non-team oriented, and abusive to you and the children.

It's verbally and emotionally abusive to blame a child for your own lateness.

You have my total sympathy, it's so frustrating.

Is your DH doctor adverse in general too? I've been getting on at my DH for years to go to the doctors about other things and he point blank will not go.

He had an enlarged lymph node on his neck for 6 months at one point and I was concerned it could be something serious given the length of time he'd had it. He just wouldn't go. Fortunately it must have just been a reactive node as its gone now but if it was cancer he may well be dead by now.

What do you think their reason is for not wanting to be diagnosed? In his experience as he has seen with DS1 and now DS2, being diagnosed (and on the pathway in DS2' case) has always been a hugely positive thing as its opened doors that we otherwise wouldn't be able to access. DS1's incredible autism school for one thing.

Your holiday break with the kids sounds fantastic. I do love the 1-1 time I spend with the boys, as a bonus their behaviour is always 10/10 when alone too. I think they overwhelm each other 😬

We're going on holiday in 2 weeks time, all of us, wish me luck as history has shown I'll bloody need it!

Hang in there. Solidarity x

I said that to him earlier, that it's emotional abuse to be behaving like that infront of the kids and stressing at them for his own disorganisation.

He's adamant that it's not abuse because it isn't intended that way and he's just venting. He isn't grasping that his intention doesn't negate impact.

I hand on heart believe that he sees no problem at all in the way he behaves. It isn't something he sets out to do to make us feel any type of way, it's just who he is.

Unfortunately that part of him is causing and will continue to cause so many problems.

As I said in my OP I had a parent like him and aside being bullied because of the attention she brought I also spent my childhood having my head bitten off for every slight inconvenience.

What do you think is the reason for not wanting to be diagnosed?

Male refusal to submit to someone in authority/ admit someone else is an expert at something pertaining to his now life. Aka being a dick.

The knowledge that a diagnosis of neuro typical would mean he would be held accountable for his awful behaviour.

The knowledge that if diagnosed he would be offered help and would have no excuse for not engaging with it.

What consequences does he experience right now for treating his family so badly?
You sleep with him, cook for him, organise his life for him, wash his clothes, I'll bet. He has no reason whatsoever to change a single thing about his conduct.

@Sharknails

@Countrymiles I relate to so much of what you said (not missing the stressor and having a peaceful week).

He wants to be judged by his intentions and not on the impact his behaviour has on others?

Sorry, but that's narcissism.

His intentions are perfectly honorable and good 100% of the time, no doubt. Everyone needs to try harder to see that and get over their hurt...

Been there, bought the Tshirt. ExH hasn't forgiven me for calling a screeching halt to the insanity.

@Sharknails totally doctor adverse. Has a chronic condition he regularly fails to take medication for. Has done something to his shoulder, but won’t go to gp to get referral to orthopod (again had private health insurance).I think with my DH it’s a case of being squeamish, but also his way of dealing with difficult things is to pretend they are not happening. He sees taking tablets each day as a hassle so doesn’t bother.

Our DS is so much happier since being diagnosed because me and school can manage his triggers. He’s also much more aware why he feels different to other people and that’s not because he’s weird or naughty. He is learning to identify when he needs a break.

I find it utterly frustrating DH won’t consider assessment given the benefits to DS and the possibility it could help him and the family generally.

Fingers crossed with the holiday. I wish you all the best and really hope it goes ok and you get to enjoy yourself. .

It's less that you're behaving stuck up and more that he's behaving like he's common as muck.

LTB. (After buying him a football shirt and a baseball cap, for a laugh!) 🧢 😆

That's hilarious that you have declared yourself as "middle class" 🤣🙄

Common as muck yes that's very fitting.

I'm the furthest thing from a snob I just don't want to show myself up, or be shown up, by him acting like a fish wife. It makes me cringe when I see people rowing in the street or drunks gobbing off.

There's a particular family we often pass who does exactly that and DH himself has remarked that it's inappropriate.. the double standard is galling.

I pointed out how DS copies his behaviour and how I'm trying to steer him into other ways of channelling his frustration and DH said "well maybe we're all just not good enough for you then"

Clearly @mathanxiety has a deep understanding of the twattery you deal with OP.

"He's adamant that it's not abuse because it isn't intended that way and he's just venting." 🙄

He's got surprising self awareness hasn't he ......considering he is able to critique and defend how you and the children should interpret his dreadful behaviour.🙄

Whatever name can be found to put on his behaviour, he sounds like an unbearable stressful twat to be around.

Life is too short if you can manage to eject him from your life.

At 39 like this, he will be probably be unbearable at 49 and beyond.

Think long and hard about your future landscape and what it will be like with him in it refusing to make any effort to accommodate his family as he morphs into a grumpy old man.

Bleak doesn't touch it.

You grew up with a parent who did this, so you went and married someone who does the same thing?

Saying people marry their parents is a well worn trope, but perhaps there is some truth in it?

Have you tied videoing his behaviour and showing him when he’s calm and not in the moment?

Nah, that's not narcissism. It's really text book adult male undiagnosed/late diagnosed autism. Thinking that because you know something is true everyone else must do too, he knows his intentions so just can't comprehend that others can't. I'm not a shrink so don't know the term for it but ask wives of adult males with autism if their husbands think they can mind read, I would say 95% would say yes.

The same goes for not going to the Drs, I know a man with autism who nearly died from a uti because he refused to go to the Dr, whatever was holding him back from going was stronger than the fear for his health. I sometimes wonder if this contributes to the lower life expectancy autistic people have. Again i don't know the term for it but it is really common.

The OP is pretty much textbook describing an adult male autisyic who has gone through life with zero help. Even if he got diagnosed now he would get zero help unless they paid privately. The OP absolutely doesn't have to stay with anyone she doesn't want to but slagging off a person with a disability(like lots are doing) who has had to navigate their entire lives without help or understanding(and people assuming they are common, attention seeking narcs) and who in some cases may have developed coping mechanisms that aren't soft and fluffy so they can hold down jobs and provide for their families like they are told men have to do is pretty shitty to be honest.

OP like I think it is clear by the fact that you are here encouraging and revelling in people slagging off your disabled husband, describing him as a 'fishwife' because his dysregulation due to his disability embarrasses you that the best thing for you all would be to separate. If the loves not there, it's not there, it pointless setting him tasks he cannot complete, just do the kind thing and end it now.

I have disabilities myself so please don't imply that I'm ablist. I'm actually seriously ill at the moment too.

You can be disabled but still held to account for behaviour that negatively impacts other people, especially when it's your children.

As I mentioned earlier on my DS with ASD went through a phase of spitting everywhere both indoors and in public. It's not acceptable. DS has got to redirect certain behaviours irrespective of his autism as nobody wants to be spat at or hit.

It's a cop out to allow poor behaviour to go unchecked just because special needs are involved. DS has the capability to learn these things. DH definitely has.

Whilst it's true that DH received no help when growing up (which I think is awful) he has received an abundance of support from me. I deal with 100% of the admin, bills etc to spare him the stress of that. Holidays, appointments, I do it all.

Is is shameful, or something?

Sure. Like I said leave if you want to. I'm not saying you should or need to stay with him, in fact i said the opposite. I can still point out though that you have zero respect or care for him and have been revelling in people slagging him off and calling him names throughout this thread. Whether your lack of respect for him is because of his disability or not only you know but that lack of respect is here clear as day in black and white.

Of course poor behaviour shouldn't gp unchecked but 'stop it now or I will leave' is never going to work. It is always going to be a gradual process to shed a life long coping mechanism. Working out alternative ways that work for all of you can be done with time, thought and care but again if the care and respect isn't there it isn't going to work.

I understand completely how difficult it can be living with someone who is late diagnosed/received no interventions, it isn't easy and it does wear you down. I also know though that with patience and understanding of the disability tweaks can be made to make things more tolerable to everyone. It has to be a thought out plan though, implemented and maybe changed overtime and it sounds like neither of you have the love or respect there to make that possible. Hence my advice to end it now rather than make pointless ultimatums that he cannot possibly fulfill.

I don't believe you're being ableist at all, OP.

I'm diagnosed with ADHD and I'm on the waiting list for Autism assessment.

I get overwhelmed very easily on a sensory level and my anxiety warps into irritation/anger. This has made me unkind and, I'd say, verbally and emotionally inappropriate/abusive with my daughters in the past, before I took action and started working my butt off on myself.

I am far from Mother of the Year, but I am so much better than I was. Understanding and working upon myself has enabled me to support my twins with their own Neurodivergence (they're 5, so our issues are very different.

Autism could definitely explain the areas your husband struggles with, but it's not excusable that he hasn't sought to work upon these areas for the sake of his family, iyswim?

I think the OP sounds remarkably patient for the level of shit behaviour this man is displaying. He sounds immature, attention seeking and unbearable to be around. She has to pussy foot around him to manage him, while battling her own issues and raising two children with ASD. I’d have checked out long ago.

I think OP has had a lot to put up with and has provided an immense amount of support. Her DH hasn't even bothered to get a diagnosis, while she is sorting bills, appointments, holidays, kids.

I think OP has put up with a lot too.
It could be that her DH has autism. But even if he doesn't go for a formal diagnosis he could do what other people in this situation do: recognise the behaviours and take actions to mitigate the behaviours.

For eg, one of my DC has been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. As soon as we suspected this might be the case, and while waiting for the diagnosis we did a lot of reading around the subject and started to implement things that help people with, say, executive disfunction. And this helped greatly, so when the diagnosis and advice and support came (not in UK) they were already doing some of the recommended things.

Turns out, since i have a lot of the same behaviours (as does my mum) i may also have ADHD - i have developed strategies over the years, and am now using some of the things that help my DC. And it has made a massive difference.

So, OP, is there any chance you might get your DH to do some of the things that help your DC? It might be good for you all.