To want to cut her out of my life?

[Flopzie]

I think I've always been a doormat. I suspect (and have been told by a couple of counsellors) that my family are dysfunctional narcissists, but I feel today like something has snapped and I want to stop caring about being diplomatic or keeping the peace.

My step sister can be really nice, but she's a bit of a . She's always bragging about how successful she is, how clever, how amazing and being bossy and honestly that's never bothered me. I just sort of smiled and felt proud of her being so confident.

But I've not had an easy run of things. My son was born twenty years ago and shortly after his Dad started hitting me. I left in the middle of the night and haven't had a dime off him since.

I was homeless without a penny to ny name but I got a good job and worked around the clock and managed to raise my son with no help.

I met a lovely man when my son was six. The most lovely man. We were very happy for three years, then he passed away suddenly and our home (he owned it) went (rightfully) to his grown up daughter.

So I was homeless again without much to my name but again, I worked around the clock and gave my son and I a lovely life.

No riches. But we had a nice home, he wanted for nothing and the bills were all paid. I remember those years felt like I barely did anything but go to work and do chores or homework and I never minded the hard graft or adked for help.

I never really dated. I was heart broken for a decade really and I'd put my son to bed and just cry until I fell asleep most days.

Then I met someone new. We fell in love and I really thought it was going great. Two years I'm, I found out he was having a long term affair.

For some reason, that just affected me very badly mentally and I've been quite sad ever since, but I've gotten on with it.

My son went off to university shortly after I discovered the affair and I was so proud but also really struggled with the feeling of loss.

I've also struggled financially the last two years. My son's student loan didn't really cover what he needs and he's disabled and was finding it hard to find work. So I was really stretched financially.

Rent went up by a few hundred a month. Bills went up. Son kept needing money for various things and I am struggling and have shared all this with my step sister.

Instead of confirming or being supportive I felt like she was implying all of it is my fault. I don't think I'm being hypersensitive, I think that wasvwgat she was saying.

Then my son told me today my step sister has been messaging him saying she wants to give him financial advice so he doesn't "end up like his Mum".

I just burst into tears and texted her that I was done with her. She said she was just being honest, that I'd found myself in problems various times over the years.

Which is true. But I wasn't bad with money. I just had suprise circumstances which changed things. But the truth is that she's made me feel like I'm a worthless person.

Thoughts?

I guess what's really worrying me is that maybe it's true. Maybe other people wouldn't have ended up with a husband who hit them. Maybe other people would have gotten over being bereaved quicker or better. Maybe other people wouldn't have been cheated on, or wouldn't have not realised that they were.

I want to feel proud that I overcome awful circumstances and raised my disabled child alone to be the most wonderful man.

But if any of those circumstances hadn't happened, life would have been different. I'd have owned a house. I'd have had two household incomes.

I don't know what to think.

When I got angry with my step sister (which I never normally do) she said she wasn't to know she'd hit a nerve.

Which is I guess implying that the problem isn't that she demeaned and belittled me to my child - but that I've got an achilles heel of some sort.

Wow what a legend you are! Cut her out of your life and keep doing what you do!

You are amazing.
You have survived and raised a lovely young man.

No mean feat.

Block her number and be done with it.

Your step sister has been insensitive at best. Nothing you've described has been your fault, in fact you've done so well under extremely challenging circumstances. Think about your step sister - does she seem like a happy, content person, or a bit insecure and desperate to prove how amazing she is, so much so that she puts others down to make herself feel better? I suspect it's the latter. Something about you (perhaps how well you've handled so much adversity in life?) threatens her, and so she is trying to put you down to comfort herself.

Cutting people out of our lives can sound very drastic - it might feel more comfortable to decide to reduce contact with her for now.

She has not ever understood you, and has judged you instead. Your story could be inspiring about independence and hard work, but instead she is choosing to frame it as a lesson in how not to turn out. Her loss!

I would say to not cut her out because if you can go through all of that then you can stick up for yourself and help her to understand strengths she can’t even imagine.

My big sis has been through a lot and we look upto her doing it solo, and she has so much more experience than some of us who never even went on a holiday by ourselves!

Respect to you. Don’t even entertain that she has any points here.

She is horrible. Cut her out.

While your DSS is insensitive and thoughtless, I think this is more about your thoughts about yourself and this touching a nerve for you. There is that Eleanor Roosevelt saying that no one can make you feel bad about yourself but you. Yes she is being harsh and judgmental but cutting her out of your life completely seems drastic. For me, it would be more about what her reaction is when you tell her she is out of line. Did she seem to feel bad? Was she apologetic? If so, I would push on, because sometimes people dont know what bothers us til we tell them. If she was dismissive and minimizing, I would be more inclined to take a step back and consider her place in my life. I would definitely recommend counselling - perhaps talking to someone about the lingering doubts you have about yourself could help you pt them to bed.

When we were little I was very obviously the favourite, which made me feel guilty and embarrassed. I didn't want to be, but I just was. As we grew older, she had a sort of complex about being the best at everything and impressing the parents and I empathised with that and if anything just bigged her up so she'd feel better.

She is now the favourite - she got quite a lot of money and uses it to lavish gifts on the parents. She is also goes on holidays with them and stuff, which I could never do because I didn't have the money and it was term time. I never minded any of this because I didn't really like being the favourite anyway.

I think she's happy. She's never alone, I mean ever. She's been in one relationship after the other for twenty years and has never lived alone even for a week. She's always had to household incomes and no children so she probably doesn't really grasp how different things are financially when you don't have those circumstances.

She's never sad or depressed, she's always either busy and stressed or joyfully telling some story about something amazing she's done. I always though her being positive and a go-getter was a great thing. The only time she is ever not happy is when she has a breakup. When that happens she goes almost completely mad. I can't explain but it's like a very extreme reaction.

She's often showed me kindness, but never empathy. I didn't mind that either really. We have a funny sort of relationship, but I love her and am always incredibly nice about her behind her back. I let her boss me around. I let her talk over me. If anything I feel a sort of affection rather than being upset by it.

I found out about a year ago when I was going through hell on earth that she'd been really badmouthing me to a large group on a family holiday. I was hurt but sort of brushed it aside as there's a lack of sensitivity I am sometimes aware of and I didn't want to make a big deal of it.

For whatever reason though, my son is about the only thing I am proud of in the world and I want to feel very proud of the struggles I have overcome. I feel like demeaning me to my son is just a step too far.

@Atethehalloweenchocs she was sort of apologetic, but she had a go at my son for telling me what she'd said, then she implied I was being over sensitive. I don't appreciate her expecting my son to carry that around with him and making him feel guilty for sharing messages he found upsetting about his Mum shows me she'd not really taken responsibility.

I think she was probably shocked that I said something because I usually just let her say what she likes.

To be honest, I feel like it's a pattern of behavior rather than a one off. I don't think she's better than me. Or, I don't care if she is better than me. I don't really feel a sense of competition with anybody. But she makes me feel bad about me. Does that make sense?

I can't really explain it but it's almost some sort of perverse thing where she pretty regularly engages in some sort of very subtle but quite harmful shithousery and I find it hard to believe she doesn't know she's doing it.

Weirdly, she only does this to me. When it comes to her friends or her partners she acts like they're all farting glitter or something.

‘I don't know what to think.’

I know what to think. That you have raised and inspired a decent young man whose loyalty is to you. That’s success.

Sounds like you've done an amazing job in such challenging circumstances!! You should be very proud of what you've accomplished and no doubt your son has learnt a lot from this to. I'd say it's time to cut ties with this person, she's clearly jealous of your strength and determination. Sadly she will always find fault, it's not you it's her.. shut it down and you'll feel so much better for it. My own sister was much the same, I have very little contact with her now and life is so much better without her in it.

Cut her out of your life. I firmly believe in doing this. It’s a positive, not a negative, thing to do. I’m no contact with half my family. Do I regret it? No!! Best thing I ever did. No one ever regrets ending a bad marriage, or cutting bad people out of their life. They just wish they’d done it sooner.

I’m sick of the way selfish, spiteful, obnoxious, uncaring, toxic people sail through life and never get called out on their behaviour. Why is it that assholes always win? So many of the worst people I know have friends and loving families around them. Meanwhile, it’s almost always the good people who suffer. God it makes me SO angry.

Well done for standing up for yourself.

She may be successful and confident and financially comfortable and all that. She may be winning at "stuff" but she has no self awareness and no compassion. "Stuff" is fleeting, but emotional intelligence is lasting and far more valuable.

If you feel you want to engage with her again and she moans about not realising she's "hit a nerve" then you could point that out to her. And that you have never ever bad mouthed her behind her back despite there being more than one occasion where she's been unfair or unkind to you.

I admit after my fiance passed away I genuinely did cry every day for years on end. I got on with being a Mum. I went to work every day. I paid the bills. I had fun with my son, watching movies and baking cakes and we muddled through. Financially it was a hell of a struggle for a few years, but we made it through to the other side to be basically okay. That meant no holidays (my son has actually never been on a proper holiday because I could never afford it), but he always had healthy food and the heating on and clean clothes which fit.

I came from a fairly wealthy family - everyone aside from me had quite a lot of money, so I did always feel a bit like I was looked down on. Everyone always had such fancy presents and big houses with jacuzzis and so on and it genuinely never bothered me other than I felt my son might be missing out.

I know my sister judged me for those years spending every night home alone, but she might not be able to understand I wasn't giving up - or being weak. I was just enjoying the years I had with my son. Some of those times were the happiest times of my life.

After my partner had his affair and I was had to leave in the midst of a cost of living crisis and my son going off to university, the strain of financial pressure, the infidelity and my son leaving home really hit me very hard indeed. I am not really sure why. I think it was because I thought I might finally be settled with the right man who wasn't going to suddenly die and that maybe we'd have a proper home with family and Christmas trees and the sort of life I suppose I'd expected once upon a time.

I trusted him so much. The pain of that betrayal shattered me completely, and I know my step sister never understood that. I heard from people that she was talking about me gaining weight and letting myself go and all sorts of things that just made me feel bloody crap.

I apologise for rambling a bit. I don't really talk to people in real life lately. I also don't really want to slag off my step sister to anyone in real life, regardless of how annoyed I am. Everything just feel very lonely and very tiring and I feel very old.

@PicnicBunny "she is choosing to frame it as a lesson in how not to turn out"

This.

This is exactly what I feel she did today to my son.

It's something I feel she has thought and implied countless times, which I tolerated, but saying it to my son seems just crazily off the charts cruel.

It's made me feel like that's true. Which is what she said in her apology. "I thought it was the truth so I said it but I apologise for upsetting you, I didn't realise I'd hit a nerve"

Oh, @Flopzie that does sound like she is harbouring resentment from childhood and being a bully. Glad you stood up to her. You may want to cut down on contact or even cut her out. Expecting your son to keep a secret is massively CF behaviour. As is slagging your off. That would make me more likely to go LC at the least. And to tell her to stop if she is out of line. The more calmly the better, so she cant write you off as hysterical. The less you seem bothered by her, the better.

That sounds like my sister all over, the c**t she is. I have to force myself to small talk with her but I hate her so much. She's so up her a hole and also said I was at fault. I'm a single mum. I pick up work when I can. I work so hard unlike madam.

@Atethehalloweenchocs exactly, I can't believe she's expecting a young man to tolerate his Mum being slagged off and keep that to himself. It's quite distorted to put that on him. Poor lad shouldn't have to carry that nonsense around. I don't know what CF means though!

You should be so proud you are so resilient and are clearly an amazing mum. I am actually inspired by you as to how I will manage being single mum to my baby boy.

I think your step sisters word choice was awful. I would be very hurt too by that. However, if she means 'so you don't end up with your mum's financial struggles' and she really has some great tips to pass onto him (like maybe she knows a lot about investing or abut starting a business - these are things I don't know about and would love my son to learn especially nowadays when a decent job and decent salary won't allow anyone to buy a home unless they have inheritance) and she believes these tips will protect him from poverty, then I would be happy for her to pass on the advice. And grateful for the advice (if it's good) (but not her attitude).

I would make it very clear to her that in future conversations with your son you do not want her to make what feels like a dig at you though- it's not like you've been some kind of gambling addict moron you've done your very best. She will probably realize now that he tells you everything anyway.

Don't cut of your son's nose to spite his face x

@LunaLula83 that's the thing though. I love my sister. If she went through a bereavement or a partner cheating or being hit or financial problems I'd want to help her feel better about herself. I don't hate her. Even if I am really hurt I would find it impossible not to love her.

"I thought it was the truth so I said it but I apologise for upsetting you, I didn't realise I'd hit a nerve"

What did you reply?
Not hit a nerve. Just didn’t realise you were painting me as some victim and how to not turn out, rather than as a strong woman who never never took any shit or put up with domestic violence or scared of a bit of hard work and had the courage to raise my son alone despite all the difficulties.
I would have thought you’d be proud of me hun ? Xx

Ps 'she never gets sad and depressed' how do you know that? I used to be the child free aunt in her snazzy home drinking cocktails and flying away a few times a year it was great fun, i think maybe some of my family members with young kids could have thought I didn't understand hardship and stress like them but I was pretty lonely - all I wanted was the Christmas tree family you describe x

Good answer

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

I understand your points, but I am not sure what financial advice she can give him to prevent him "turning out like me"

Try not to get domestically abused?
Try not to have your partner die?
Try not to have your rent increase by £400 overnight?

The reason it annoys me is because she's implying that's financially unsavvy. As I said, she's been through none of these things. She's cohabited for twenty years with no children. She's lived a life for decades which gave her a disposable income of several thousand pounds a month which enabled her to make investments and buy property and so on.

I don't moan or complain that wasn't the path my life took but is it really poor financial planning? I wasn't a degenerate gambler or an alcoholic or a shoe addict.

I was a single Mum doing my best.

@PicnicBunny that was a much better answer than the one I gave but I actually just muted her and told her I didn't want to continue speaking. Why? Because it would be pointless. If I explained all that she'd say "but I am proud of you, your insecurity is really coming out here...do you think you should get some counselling?" and she'd turn it right back around because for 40 years it's been completely impossible that she could ever be wrong. So I didn't fancy getting myself more upset or giving her the satisfaction.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum She says she's never sad or depressed and I don't think she's been alone for five minutes for decades so she's definitely not crying in her soup. I think one of the main thing she judges me for is being so sad. She doesn't understand it at all. She sort of just replaces people overnight and I've never found that possible.