To want to cut her out of my life?

[Flopzie]

I think I've always been a doormat. I suspect (and have been told by a couple of counsellors) that my family are dysfunctional narcissists, but I feel today like something has snapped and I want to stop caring about being diplomatic or keeping the peace.

My step sister can be really nice, but she's a bit of a . She's always bragging about how successful she is, how clever, how amazing and being bossy and honestly that's never bothered me. I just sort of smiled and felt proud of her being so confident.

But I've not had an easy run of things. My son was born twenty years ago and shortly after his Dad started hitting me. I left in the middle of the night and haven't had a dime off him since.

I was homeless without a penny to ny name but I got a good job and worked around the clock and managed to raise my son with no help.

I met a lovely man when my son was six. The most lovely man. We were very happy for three years, then he passed away suddenly and our home (he owned it) went (rightfully) to his grown up daughter.

So I was homeless again without much to my name but again, I worked around the clock and gave my son and I a lovely life.

No riches. But we had a nice home, he wanted for nothing and the bills were all paid. I remember those years felt like I barely did anything but go to work and do chores or homework and I never minded the hard graft or adked for help.

I never really dated. I was heart broken for a decade really and I'd put my son to bed and just cry until I fell asleep most days.

Then I met someone new. We fell in love and I really thought it was going great. Two years I'm, I found out he was having a long term affair.

For some reason, that just affected me very badly mentally and I've been quite sad ever since, but I've gotten on with it.

My son went off to university shortly after I discovered the affair and I was so proud but also really struggled with the feeling of loss.

I've also struggled financially the last two years. My son's student loan didn't really cover what he needs and he's disabled and was finding it hard to find work. So I was really stretched financially.

Rent went up by a few hundred a month. Bills went up. Son kept needing money for various things and I am struggling and have shared all this with my step sister.

Instead of confirming or being supportive I felt like she was implying all of it is my fault. I don't think I'm being hypersensitive, I think that wasvwgat she was saying.

Then my son told me today my step sister has been messaging him saying she wants to give him financial advice so he doesn't "end up like his Mum".

I just burst into tears and texted her that I was done with her. She said she was just being honest, that I'd found myself in problems various times over the years.

Which is true. But I wasn't bad with money. I just had suprise circumstances which changed things. But the truth is that she's made me feel like I'm a worthless person.

Thoughts?

I guess what's really worrying me is that maybe it's true. Maybe other people wouldn't have ended up with a husband who hit them. Maybe other people would have gotten over being bereaved quicker or better. Maybe other people wouldn't have been cheated on, or wouldn't have not realised that they were.

I want to feel proud that I overcome awful circumstances and raised my disabled child alone to be the most wonderful man.

But if any of those circumstances hadn't happened, life would have been different. I'd have owned a house. I'd have had two household incomes.

I don't know what to think.

When I got angry with my step sister (which I never normally do) she said she wasn't to know she'd hit a nerve.

Which is I guess implying that the problem isn't that she demeaned and belittled me to my child - but that I've got an achilles heel of some sort.

"She's never sad or depressed, she's always either busy and stressed or joyfully telling some story about something amazing she's done."

She's overcompensating. You know.. by always being busy etc. She can't bear being on her own which is why she's had a string of relationships.
She might not want to face up to her issues but I guarantee you she has them - in spades.

Personally I find that distance between myself and toxic people is important for my sanity!

You should be proud of what you have achieved and don't be ashamed about crying for years over someone you loved so much.

And anyone could end up in a relationship with a violent man. But you got out - which from posts on MN is clearly not an easy thing to do.

You should give yourself a break and a massive bloody pat on the back and pay no heed to what your probably jealous SS comes out with. She clearly talks a lot of shit and has major issues.

I would be in a (even worse than I am now) financial position too if these things had happened to me so youve done so well.

I guess it's the stuff I mentioned- So if she really is knowledgeable about the property market or investments (IF she knows more than you do, rather than just having had the means to put that spare cash aside) then I wouldn't fall out with her and stop your son getting access to that advice. If might be that she only has to offer stuff you know about already, in which case f her.
Definitely address that point about not beinginfg you into it or making digs at you.

i came here to post something similar about my dsis who over the years has put me down to my dc things have recently come to a head over another issue and I am considering going no contact with her but like you I love her and having had lots of sudden family bereavements I am torn as life is short and unexpected things happen

you should be proud of yourself you sound like an amazing mum and have overcome so many difficult circumstances that weren’t your fault

Maybe she's a bit jealous of you and how capable and strong you are, she knows she could never be that resilient

And also @Unexpectedlysinglemum let me tell you this. Honestly some awful crap has happened to me in my life and I haven't always been able to brush it off. I've found life really hard at times. But please don't worry about being a single Mum. There will be times it's incredibly hard. But it won't be the times you expect it to be.

If you have to do it alone financially, that's definitely tough. No one who hasn't run a house with kids on one income will probably ever understand how hard it is, but the best experience of my life and the happiest times I have ever enjoyed were being a single Mum.

The times it will be incredibly hard are the funny things. Like when they do really well and something wonderful happens and you feel really alone because there's no one but you who could ever understand it or share that happy moment with you.

The rest of it - the bedtime stories, the ironing, the cooking, the discipline, the nights awake while someone pukes on you, their first breakup, failing exams, passing exams, watching something funny on TV, your in jokes and your weird traditions you'll grow that nobody else will ever understand - they are genuinely the best parts of life.

I wouldn't change a minute of it for the world.

He'd an adult now, and the relationship we have is completely amazing. He's so kind and generous and loyal and clever and I look at him and realise I am very lucky no matter how hard days are sometimes.

You will smash it mate, don't worry!

@Alfiemoon1 I understand that. I think being bereaved changed me a lot. It makes it hard to get upset over petty things because you know that those things don't really matter. That's probably why I keep letting it go when I bet anyone else would have gone mad a while ago. I hate fighting with people I love. I feel bad right now that she might be feeling bad.

Your step sister is a really horrible person. I know you love her, but you've had more than your fair share of shit in your life and she is only adding to it.

I'd cut her out completely.

You are AMAZING.

Not many people could walk out of a relationship with a child and out themselves right, then suffer grief and homelessness, then our themselves right AGAIN!

You've had such bad luck but always made it through.

She sounds very materialist and is completely not in the real world, or at least in the real world with a child and then an added disability!

You've let her walk over you for too long and she hates it now you've stood up to her.

It's also clear how well you have brought your son up as he's told you, clearly it shows the bond you have and it's a shame she jealous of that.

Cut her out and be happy!

Sometimes people who have lived very stable and lucky lives can be incredibly insensitive to those who haven’t had the same luck. Her behaviour is about her lack of imagination.

Flopzie you truly sound so resilient and kind. Even on this thread you have taken time to encourage another single mother with strength and positivity.

Crying every night for someone you love is proof of the strength of your love. Your stepsister doesn't sound capable of such love sadly. I am so glad you and your son have such a lovely bond.

Your sister doesn't deserve you... well done staying strong and congrats on your lovely son!

🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

You have all made me feel a heap better, thanks you beautiful lot. I really needed to hear that I wasn't a tale of what not to become

Your story is amazing and you have done so well. The choices and actions of other people are not your fault.

I wouldn't cut her out but I would take some time away and I would try to not let her comments bother you - she clearly knows nothing.

How bloody dare she!
You be proud of yourself!!!
It reads to me like you’ve had a bad luck of the draw, been dealt shit pile, after shit pile and managed to come out smelling of roses every time.
And keep going, tell that cow to F’off.
Better still, call her kids for a chat on how to be a kind human being, so that they don’t turn out like their mother. Total CF.

The way she speaks about people, she clearly has zero capacity to understand the concept of genuine love and loyalty, which your son has for you.

She is a nasty piece of work who probably can't stand the regard your son holds you in.

I think you showed extraordinary calm and restraint at that CF thinking she could advise YOUR son on anything.

That you didn't filet her verbally is a credit to you.

I wouldn't give her the time of day again.

Hopefully your son will do likewise.

She will not be any loss to you, the way she behaves herself.

She just sent me some really awful messages. I have muted and will ignore

You sound absolutely bloody brilliant OP and I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

Your story is practically book-worthy so please hold your head high!!

She sent me a message which said:

The victim act was getting boring 😮
Raised something else in the past she thinks I did to her (I didn't)
Said she was very stressed and if I wanted to reply could I make it short

Absolutely no apology, no remorse, no acknowledgement she's done anything wrong. Just insulting me, patronising me, trying to switch herself into the victim and then trying to ensure I responded by just doing as I was told.

I just blocked her. Sod her.

Thank you @SheerLucks 😊 💓

I’m sorry your step sister was a dick but In a sense I’m agreeing with her as your whole post comes across with a very victim mindset and as tho you are the only person a chain of bad events has ever happened to like there’s always a reason somethings not worked out and it’s never ever your fault. I could be way off and I’m sorry if you take this personally but that’s how I’m reading this.

Glad you’ve blocked her. Muting is nor enough for the twat.

@Thatboymum I know myself pretty well and I think it's a very innacurate portrayal. When really terrible things were happening to me, I had a gratitude mindset. I used to pray every day to say thank you for my blessings and had a really optimistic outlook.

I remember someone gave me a book on optimism once because they said I always saw the good in everything.

The last few knocks I've struggled. I got very, very depressed and despondent and was quite close to ending it all if I'm honest. I don't feel that way now, but there was months I felt as low as that.

I think I do feel right now like like has knocked me down and I'm tired and pretty hopeless and I don't know if that'll ever get better or not. I have a hopeless mindset.

If that's what playing the victim is , then okay. I don't really mind. It's the best I can do and if that's not good enough then it's not.

OP that woman's a complete lunatic. You've absolutely been through the wringer. There's something seriously wrong with your sister if she can't see the grief you've been through and the courage you have. Be bloody proud of yourself and keep yourself and DS well away from her.

@Thatboymum she’s explaining her setback and why she might not have been swimming in cash over the years. Your post is so shitty.

OP, tell that ‘sister’ to FO. How’s that for short?