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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby's surname

57 replies

RachieRach92 · 15/08/2023 19:57

Hi,

I've recently fallen pregnant (currently first trimester) A discussion came up about the baby's surname when we were looking at baby names... he would say a name followed by his surname and I would correct him with my own surname. I've said the baby will have my surname but my partner is adamant that will not be the case, going as far as to hint that he would leave me if I don't register baby with his surname.

I'm not trying to be difficult but I have 2 children with a previous partner from a 14 year relationship and both children now have my surname (they have no contact with father due to previous DV in the relationship). I don't want them to feel pushed out by having different surnames and I also feel strongly that as I am the main caregiver (we currently live apart due to him working away in the week until next July), we should all have the same surname.

Its his first child and he says I am being selfish...I'm worried if I dont give in, I'll be raising 3 children alone which I find daunting as I work full time and worry about how I will manage... Also, I was adamant I didn't want anymore children when I met him and somehow felt pressured into the idea of having one with him which I am also struggling with... I being unreasonable to refuse his surname for our baby?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 15/08/2023 19:59

Yanbu.
Are you sure you really want to have a baby with him?

Neverseenbefore · 15/08/2023 20:00

Baby gets your surname.

OrwellianTimes · 15/08/2023 20:00

“going as far as to hint that he would leave me if I don't register baby with his surname”

Thats really nasty emotional blackmail. Let him leave if he’s going to be like that!

BoohooWoohoo · 15/08/2023 20:00

Is double barrelled acceptable to you?

BoohooWoohoo · 15/08/2023 20:02

The fact that he is behaving like this is a major red flag. He will use this to get his way with every major decision in future like the first name.

Baby should have your name or double barrelled.

Whataretheodds · 15/08/2023 20:02

So he pressures you into a baby then threatens to leave if you don't give the baby his surname? Nice. I want to say call his bluff?

the only reason my baby wouldn't need have my surname is if i got married to his father. Assuming you don't want that, give the baby your surname and let him go if his ego is that fragile.

WeightoftheWorld · 15/08/2023 20:02

Are you sure you want this baby OP? You don't say how far along you are except first trimester and you even say you didn't want any more kids and that this nasty sod has pressurised you into it. You do have options beyond this horrible man.

Fedupmumofadultsons · 15/08/2023 20:02

Personally no I don't think baby should have his name not with other children 1 really dont like hearing kids with different surnames .

Cakecakecheese · 15/08/2023 20:04

Well I would say try and find a compromise like a middle name or double barrelling but he's being nasty about it and if he can threaten to leave over this it seems likely that he'd do it with every parenting decision he doesn't agree with and you can't live like that.

Bristolnewcomer · 15/08/2023 20:04

If this is all it takes for him to run out the door honestly it’s best you know now. Just tell him it’s not happening.

Olika · 15/08/2023 20:14

Tell him the baby will have your surname and if he wants to leave he better start packing now not to waste time. Absolutely ridiculous.

Motherofalittledragon · 15/08/2023 20:18

My exdp said something very similar his surname no negotiations not even double barrelled surname, I also had children from a previous relationship and wanted them all to have the same surname. He's an ex now and no great loss!

Teapleasebobb · 15/08/2023 20:20

Olika · 15/08/2023 20:14

Tell him the baby will have your surname and if he wants to leave he better start packing now not to waste time. Absolutely ridiculous.

Yep, this.

Precipice · 15/08/2023 20:21

Of course you're not being unreasonable! Don't let him twist your mind. Baby should get your surname.

However, given that you say that you didn't want further children and that you're struggling with this one - in the first trimester, you'll still be in time to abort. Are you absolutely sure that you should bring this pregnancy to term?

You say that your previous partner was abusive. Your description of your current partner make him sound also unsuitable - he pressured you into pregnancy, now he's trying to pressure you to give the resulting child his surname. He's threatening to abandon the child he pressured you into conceiving if he doesn't get his way to get you to accept that the child is more 'his' than 'yours' (by belonging more to his family and his lineage, as marked by the surname). Please take a good look at your relationship and consider whether your partner makes you happy and treats you well.

LyingontheGrassonSundaymorningofLastWeek · 15/08/2023 20:23

Your surname, especially in these circumstances.

ZolaBudd · 15/08/2023 20:24

I never understand why women give kids their partners surname unless they gave marired

megletthesecond · 15/08/2023 20:24

Yours. And do not budge on this. He'll leave anyway eventually so it's easier if the baby has your name.
Mine threatened me to make sure the DC's had his name only. They've not seen him in 14yrs.

RitzyMcFitzy · 15/08/2023 20:25

Stick to your guns. If he's threatening to leave over this well then it's best he leaves sooner rather than later.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 15/08/2023 20:25

Ew, walking red flag there.

Ponderingwindow · 15/08/2023 20:28

he is threatening to abandon his child if he doesn’t get to pick the name. You need to start preparing for parenting alone, because this man is not responsible father material.

Dellys · 15/08/2023 20:29

They were debating this on GMB this morning about how it’s automatically assume it will be the dad’s surname even though the mum grows the child for 9 months, gives birth and possibly breastfeeds them for months after that. It is actually very odd that it’s assumed this way when you think about it. We weren’t married though but I gave my child his surname and now we are married so all have the same one. I’d say it’s up for discussion rather than having one person saying they’re leaving if they don’t get their own way though 🤦🏻‍♀️

Keepingthingsinteresting · 15/08/2023 20:33

Who on earth voted YABU? I notice they haven’t commented….

it is tradition for a baby to have the mother’s surname, historically that matched dad only because (& where) a child was borne in wedlock so the parents had the same name.
@RachieRach92 hold firm, I suspect the isn’t going to be the rock you’d hoped and it will be more important that you and the kids feel like a unit and if he was a good guy he would understand why it is important the kids share a name.

Hope you’re doing ok.

Cinai · 15/08/2023 20:34

I think double barrelled is the way to go. I don’t quite understand the MN obsession with only the women’s name is acceptable, I can understand that a man would want their surname included. I suggested to my fiancé double barrelling, it makes names long yes, but I think it’s the only fair solution.

viques · 15/08/2023 20:35

Wow. So of all the aspects of parenthood that he could have chosen, watching a child grow and develop skills and independence, teaching a child values of consideration, fairness and respect for others, sharing special times like Christmas and birthdays, helping your child to learn to read, ride a bike, kick a football, being the one your child comes to for comfort and security, helping your child to face anxieties and learn emotionally, out of all these and the many other aspects of parenthood he has chosen the really really important one of the child having his surname as the hill to die on.

I think he has ably demonstrated that his skills as a parent will not be missed.

Blingstar · 15/08/2023 20:37

Totally get your point.

I would suggest baby gets his surname as the middle name.