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Original poster

Baby's surname

57 replies

RachieRach92 · 15/08/2023 19:57

Hi,

I've recently fallen pregnant (currently first trimester) A discussion came up about the baby's surname when we were looking at baby names... he would say a name followed by his surname and I would correct him with my own surname. I've said the baby will have my surname but my partner is adamant that will not be the case, going as far as to hint that he would leave me if I don't register baby with his surname.

I'm not trying to be difficult but I have 2 children with a previous partner from a 14 year relationship and both children now have my surname (they have no contact with father due to previous DV in the relationship). I don't want them to feel pushed out by having different surnames and I also feel strongly that as I am the main caregiver (we currently live apart due to him working away in the week until next July), we should all have the same surname.

Its his first child and he says I am being selfish...I'm worried if I dont give in, I'll be raising 3 children alone which I find daunting as I work full time and worry about how I will manage... Also, I was adamant I didn't want anymore children when I met him and somehow felt pressured into the idea of having one with him which I am also struggling with... I being unreasonable to refuse his surname for our baby?

OP posts:
MrsKwazi · 15/08/2023 20:37

your surname all the way if not married

OCDmama · 15/08/2023 20:38

No, give your baby your name. All three of your kids and you should have the same.

Plus you're not married, living together and he's got a shitty attitude. Offer to put his as a middle name - that's a compromise a lot of women make (my mum did it for us, and she and my dad weren't married and didn't last).

I wouldn't offer to double barrel because tbh you don't sound sure about this guy. When my husband and I got married we both double barreled - I said we could both do it, he could take my name or nobody changes. He saw no issue with it nor questioned it (and he's no metrosexual) and our kids have our double barreled name too.

Crunchymum · 15/08/2023 20:42

If this was a rational, reasonable conversation I'd suggest maybe offering to double barrell.

As he's being manipulative, selfish and trying to emotionally blackmail you, I think you 100% need to give the baby your name. And you need to rethink your whole relationship.

What is he like with your other DC? I'm guessing this isn't the first time he's started throwing his weight around?

Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn but you mention being ambivalent about this baby and feeling pushed into it, there are options available?

ironorchids · 15/08/2023 20:47

OrwellianTimes · 15/08/2023 20:00

“going as far as to hint that he would leave me if I don't register baby with his surname”

Thats really nasty emotional blackmail. Let him leave if he’s going to be like that!

This.

The relationship has a high chance of ending within a few years, given his behaviour towards you, so you'd just have to change the baby's name down the track anyway. That would create extra work and headache for the baby in future always having to declare a previous name, so it's better for you both to give the surname your baby will likely have in the long run now.

This is beside the point, but it's not selfish because you're not doing this for yourself you're doing it for your baby.

Winnipeggy · 15/08/2023 20:54

Would you consider double barrelled?

applesandmares · 15/08/2023 20:55

Isn't this a perfect scenario for a double barrelled name? It clearly means a lot to both of you! I'm not a fan of double barrelled names tbh and I was happy for my daughter to have my fiancés name, but if neither of you want to go without, why not have both?

ZolaBudd · 15/08/2023 20:59

But what happens with a doublebarrelled surname with that child that marries?

Sandysandwich · 15/08/2023 21:04

Why would it be selfish to use your name and not selfish of him to use his?
Surely its less selfish for your name to be used as its motivated, at least partly, by the want for cohesion of your family and for the benefit of all of your children sharing a name.

Why does he think his is more suitable? His pride, ownership, tradition? Anything of benefit to your child?

Unless he has a particularly great surname and yours is unusually terrible, there is no reason for his choice to overrule yours.

Precipice · 15/08/2023 21:07

ZolaBudd · 15/08/2023 20:59

But what happens with a doublebarrelled surname with that child that marries?

Why is that a concern for giving the child the surname now? Maybe the child will never marry - and if the child does, surely the question is about the surnames of any potential grandchildren, not assuming that the child will change surname at marriage?

Curseofthenation · 15/08/2023 21:09

There isn't a chance that I would give my partner's surname to my child unless it waa mine too. This is without taking into consideration the fact he has bullied you into having a baby in the first place. He sounds awful.

ZolaBudd · 15/08/2023 21:10

Mate, it could be in 20 years time.

It’s hardly in the very very distant future?

Mariposa26 · 15/08/2023 21:12

we double barrelled ours. However this man does not sound nice in the slightest!

tabulahrasa · 15/08/2023 21:13

If he’s willing to threaten to leave you over what should be a fairly easily resolved discussion... then the chances are that you’ll be raising 3 children alone anyway, he’s hardly likely to suddenly become a reasonable adult magically before the birth.

SophiaElise · 15/08/2023 21:14

Let him walk then. Ridiculous man!

ValancyRedfern · 15/08/2023 21:16

Definitely your surname, or both yours and his, Spanish style. If that is a splitting up issue for him then he's shown you who he is and its best he leaves now.

ValancyRedfern · 15/08/2023 21:18

Precipice · 15/08/2023 21:07

Why is that a concern for giving the child the surname now? Maybe the child will never marry - and if the child does, surely the question is about the surnames of any potential grandchildren, not assuming that the child will change surname at marriage?

Show quote history

The whole Spanish speaking world manages this quite easily. Everyone has two surnames. No-one changes their name on marriage. All children take one name from each parent.

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/08/2023 21:19

Your surname always.

I would have suggested the offer of his name as a middle name somewhere but he's an arsehole so no.

mycoffeecup · 15/08/2023 21:19

Forget the name, in your circumstances I'd consider ending the pregnancy and the relationship

MsPavlichenko · 15/08/2023 21:21

Far better to be on your own with all your DC than in a relationship with a coercive controlling abuser. That’s what he is, and it’s almost certainly only the start (abuse often starts in pregnancy/ after birth).

Dont give the baby his name, and to be honest if you want to do the best thing for you and all your DC get rid. He won’t change, and the abuse will ramp up. Appeasing him now will only encourage him.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 15/08/2023 21:24

I'd tell him his attitude has convinced you you're doing the right thing. He's emotionally blackmailing you, and if he will threaten to walk over not getting his own way then he'll probably do the same thing in the future over another issue. Best use your surname as he'll be gone at some point.

I agree with others that you might want to consider all options open to you, if you were not keen for another child.

TheGoogleMum · 15/08/2023 21:24

Baby should have mums surname. If he wanted his name he should* *marry you and hope you change your name first. If he would leave over it then he isn't great husband material anyway

MsPavlichenko · 15/08/2023 21:26

If it’s an option for you ending the pregnancy might be worth considering. You were in an abusive relationship, and you’re in another one.

If you’ve not done the Freedom Programme please do it now ( even online ). If you have do it again.

76evie · 16/08/2023 22:05

I gave my children my surname as I wanted to have the same surname as them. Several years down the line I married their dad and decide to have us all take his surname. You can re register their birth and give them his surname, they get a new birth certificate, so you all have the same surname.

TwoBlueFish · 16/08/2023 22:07

Suggest that he also takes your surname if he feels so strongly about baby having the same name as him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2023 22:14

Does he often threaten you as a way of getting what he wants? Or has this nasty bullying only started now you’re pregnant?

He’s a dick. Please consider all of your options carefully. You’re already bringing up two kids alone.

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