Baby's surname

[RachieRach92]

Hi,

I've recently fallen pregnant (currently first trimester) A discussion came up about the baby's surname when we were looking at baby names... he would say a name followed by his surname and I would correct him with my own surname. I've said the baby will have my surname but my partner is adamant that will not be the case, going as far as to hint that he would leave me if I don't register baby with his surname.

I'm not trying to be difficult but I have 2 children with a previous partner from a 14 year relationship and both children now have my surname (they have no contact with father due to previous DV in the relationship). I don't want them to feel pushed out by having different surnames and I also feel strongly that as I am the main caregiver (we currently live apart due to him working away in the week until next July), we should all have the same surname.

Its his first child and he says I am being selfish...I'm worried if I dont give in, I'll be raising 3 children alone which I find daunting as I work full time and worry about how I will manage... Also, I was adamant I didn't want anymore children when I met him and somehow felt pressured into the idea of having one with him which I am also struggling with... I being unreasonable to refuse his surname for our baby?

speechless. so sorry Op. and yes, for the love of god your surname

Lol. Let him leave. You're giving birth to one baby so don't need to be looking after two.

He sounds very controlling :(

This isn’t about the surname.

This is about a man who doesn’t live with you (and hasn’t even proposed marriage to you) pressuring you into a pregnancy you didn’t actively want and now using threats of leaving you to make you obey him. This does not look like a relationship that will make you or your children happy. 😔

Anyway. YANBU to give the baby your surname when you aren’t married. If you were married, I’d suggest you all together come up with a new name (eg hyphenated or some other combination) and then change everyone in the family to that name. But that isn’t the situation here, and as I said, this is not about the name. This is about bullying and controlling you.

Good luck OP.

From your post, this relationship doesn't sound like it will go the distance. If you give the baby his surname you will regret it. Your surname or double barrel if you want.

Baby takes your surname. This objectionable man will be out of your lives before the child is at school.

FFS, why on earth did you get pregnant with this man, you already have 2 children who have been through enough, you didn't even want a third that much, and you clearly didn't have detailed discussions about surnames or sharing the parenting load.

He doesn't sound like a keeper so you should end the relationship (and do the freedom programme).

If you continue the pregnancy you are going to be a single parent with a difficult ex. I would terminate if I were you. Your choice of course but if you do have the baby, register the birth without him (he can't register the birth without you, so he can't force you to give baby his surname).

Generally, I think parents choose a name because it is a family name or some name that they have heard before and liked it very much. Sometimes they become creative with the spellings in an effort to be creative or unique.

Names mean little. It is the character behind the name that matters.

Often times children are not overly fond of the creative names, as they prefer names that are common within their peer groups.

Life is far too short to waste much time being angry about the selection or use of a name, but then again everyone has a right to set and choose their own priorities and lines in the sand.