To feel gutted at men's behaviour online dating?

[Celia24]

I want to preface this by saying I've online dated before. One I got a long term relationship from, I've also had 2 short term flings/fwbs.

Even with the fwbs we would always meet for a drink or a bite then go home together. It was mostly sex but I always felt respected.

Over the last week I've had numerous invitations to either go to the man's house directly or for them to come to me as a first date. These are professional men with great jobs and interests - men I'd actually like to date! Another I actually did date but ghosted me then apologised saying he has depression.

I think I'm a catch. I have a good job, creative hobbies and I'm fairly good looking. Has something changed? I feel like a free prostitute and disrespected if I'm honest.

I like to reply "sounds like you need a sex worker and a therapist" and then block them.

I mean, I'm wondering if other people have always had this issue or if it's new? Because as I mentioned I've had casual arrangements from online dating but never been propositioned like this.

This is why I think I will be perpetually single. This has been my experience over and over again. It's so disheartening.

It's worse because with these guys I've already sized them up and decided they're someone I might want to date.

One is the head of a poverty youth charity & I sort of know through friends. Known to be a good guy. The other is a local painter who does well for himself. Again known as a decent guy locally.

I almost expect it from somewhere who strips off in pics but these guys actually fill out their profiles properly. And for what?

Horrible isn't it @Flora73 ? 😣

I think these apps can bring out the worst in some men. They didn't invent these guys, but they do make it easier for men of this type to operate.

I honestly think you'd do better looking at a more serious paid site or expand your world - join in with everything you can think of that sounds right for you.

I know this is going to come across as the usual boring and hackneyed advice, but I still think meeting IRL is often the best way. Some people DO strike lucky, but you have to kiss an awful lot of frogs and it can bring down your self-esteem.

Even if you’re ‘on the apps’, it feels pretty hard to meet people these days | Maddie Thomas | The Guardian

That IS depressing!

However, if you want to keep trying the apps:

Over the last week I've had numerous invitations to either go to the man's house directly or for them to come to me as a first date. These are professional men with great jobs and interests - men I'd actually like to date!

They may actually still be decent guys. But they've been spoilt by women doing just that. Be different. Say you'd like to meet for a coffee somewhere. This will provide you with a short date where you can really size the guy up. Don't be afraid to say something like "I don't go to men's houses when I hardly know them". Show them who YOU are and they have to measure up or they're out.

I know it's hard, but be more business like. You can be fun and happy go lucky on the date, whatever your personality is don't hide that of course. But behind the scenes you are business-like. Don't get strung along on endless messaging. Meet for coffee. Decide if you'd like to see again or not. If not, move on without a backward glance. This also gives you valuable practice.

It's really a numbers game. But I think paid sites would help too if you can afford that investment.

@hygieneversustheplanet the thing is that I have done this.

With guy 1 - I said let's meet for a drink first. He said he was keen. I asked which day of the days he said he was free. Ghosted and unmatched next day!

Guy 2 - I said essentially what you said above. I don't go to guys houses first meeting, prefer to meet in public at a bar or similar. He replies this morning 'Ok I understand' with no counter offer.

I'm also concerned that women are actually accepting these offers? It's like when I was first freelancing and people would ask for crap rates and being down the price for everyone.

Can anyone recommend dating sites? I'm using Tinder and Hinge at the moment

21 of the Best Dating Sites & Apps for 2022 - hitched.co.uk

Look at this - I have never heard of most of these apps!!!!!

Some of them are for people looking for something more serious and less casual.

I hope it helps.

this is from the article above.

. eHarmony Best for: Marriage Seekers
Costs: Free Basic Membership with Additional Paid-For Features
If you’re sick and tired of dates with people you just don’t have anything in common with, it might be time for some serious personality matching. That’s where eHarmony comes in. They’ve been around for over a decade and have a patented eHarmony Compatibility Matching System which took 35 years to create. It’s a very in-depth relationship questionnaire which gives the team the ability to match users with people they’re actually compatible with. Yep – they take this love stuff pretty seriously.
There are over 60 million members on the site from around the world. Five million of these live in Britain, so there are plenty of people to choose from. The team state that someone finds love every 14 minutes on average using eHarmony. Isn’t it worth a shot?
When you sign up, you’ll fill out their trusty questionnaire which pairs singletons according to 32 dimensions of compatibility (it might sound complicated but it’s for your own good – trust us). After that, all you need to do is wait for potential suitors to drop straight to your inbox!

Best For: Those with a Specific Checklist
Cost: Free with Additional Paid-For Features
When you first sign up to OkCupid, you have to choose what type of relationship you’re looking for – whether that be a hook-up, marriage, or a short-term relationship. You can also choose from 22 different genders (in 2014, the app were the first to introduce 22 genders and 13 sexual orientation options), including non-binaries and agenders. For that, we applaud them.
After this, you’re asked a series of 15 questions which cover everything from politics to religion. They’re all optional, though, and whether you give your own answers or not, you get the chance to say how your ideal partner would respond to them.
It’s all of this ground work which ensures the matches OkCupid sends to you are worthwhile. You can inject a bit of personality into your profile too, by answering questions like “Do you make your bed every day?”. Instead of being spammed with messages, you can only message those with whom you have matched.

BumbleBest For: Putting Women in the Driving Seat
Costs: Free with Additional Paid-For Features
Bumble made itself famous by addressing the gender imbalance in dating apps. Yep, listen up ladies – this one allows you to be in control of the conversations. And time is of the essence, because you only have 24 hours to initiate a conversation before your match is gone forever. No pressure, then.
Granted, your profile won’t be as detailed as it might be on other apps, but there is a video call ability which allows you to get to know your match before you meet.
Bumble is free to use, but you can upgrade to Bumble Boost, where you can see users who have already “liked” you. This costs £11.99 per month for 6 months or £7.99 for the week.

HappnBest For: Young Professionals
Costs: Free with Paid-For Additional Features
Happn is the app of the moment for busy people – particularly busy people who are too awkward to start a conversation. As much as we’d like to think we’d chat away to a stranger after catching eyes on the train, we’re all probably too awkward to do so.
Luckily, Happn works by tracking your approximate location (not your exact one, don’t worry), and displaying users you’ve crossed paths with at the top of the page. If you like what you see, you can send a heart. If they send a heart back then you can start a conversation.
Remember that gorgeous guy you bumped into on the way out of the station this morning? He just might be at the top of your home page.

Elite SinglesBest For: Well-Educated Singles
Costs: Free with Paid-For Features
If you’re apprehensive about using a dating site which requires you to judge solely on appearance, you may prefer EliteSingles. It matches partners using a comprehensive personality test and only sends between three and seven matches per day – all of which are manually verified.
85% of users to the site have a degree and are between 30 and 55 years old, so this particular dating website is perfect for educated singles in their 40s. If this sounds like you – what are you waiting for?

LoveStruckBest for: Very Busy People
Costs: Upwards of £16 Per Month
Are you a busy young professional with a high-flying job and very little spare time? Join LoveStruck, the dating app which is perfect for looking for love in the city.
It allows you to target potential partners according to their location – which can be as specific as a tube station – and it covers many of the world’s major cities. This is ideal if you’re working abroad for a while.
LoveStruck pride themselves on offering a dating experience which is meaningful. You can meet genuine singles who are looking to date with the intention of something serious. You can also add fun date ideas to your profile and match with people according to their date ideas, which we love. It’s time to get your thinking caps on…

I think by focusing on their jobs you are seeing a minute part of the picture. To really understand their mindset you need so much more information. To understand the man you’re going to need to know about their upbringing, relationship with their mother, any traumas particularly when young. Relationship history, children, then social life and job.

You are basing the suitability of a potential mate on the very, very shallow veneer of what they do, their income bracket and what they decide to let your peer group think of them (it’s just a social mask remember).

Wow, yes, you have been doing the right things by the looks. Well, those just aren't the right guys for you! The guy who really likes the look of you will not be put off by the fact you won't come to his house.

I agree with you that it is frightening that some women will go round to a stranger's house. I am so glad I don't have a daughter to worry about in this day and age!

"These are professional men with great jobs and interests - men I'd actually like to date!"

That's what they tell you.

The free apps are pretty much full of scammers and liars on both sides. So you need to bin them for a start if you don't want this. The payment of money filters out a lot of them.

Then you just need to get used to binning people who come across as wrong uns at the first hurdle, because most of them rely on the "volume" technique - try a lot of times each time with little effort in the hope someone is hooked.

There was a thread on here a while back about how the OP didn't want any messaging backwards and forwards for a week or so because its a pointless waste of time - but generally if someone is willing to do that it means they are getting to know you, putting in some effort and showing some interest in you.

OP what a wounder. I think peopleust ge accepting this sort of nonsense. Kerp ur bar high
I.hsvr had 2 relationships from OLD. Last time I was on was pre Covid. It sounds as if things have changed re the type of behaviour. I know people say it's better to.meet people IRL , but that's easier said than done. Good luck.

Op, come over and join the summer dating thread in "relationships"

This is a very common occurrence. There are very few decent guys out there. 10 months on and off the apps made me want to stop completely, and I have even considered getting back with my ex.

Having said that I have been to 2 weddings in the last 3 months which originated from Tinder dates!

I should have added that with OLD you need to be prepared to set a strong filter if you are looking for a life partner. Those guys would have immediately been filtered out because they fell at the first hurdle. They won’t offer you any respect.

You could argue they don’t know you to respect you but what you’re seeing is their view on women. Most of them are to be sex partners with no strings attached. Great if everyone is onboard with that. But you don’t want that, so they need filtering out. No point trying to force a square peg in a round hole.

and if you’re asking has this got worse over time? Well of course. Men can now pick women like sweets in a candy shop. Never ending supply in a range of colours and flavours. Women are socially conditioned now to not expect marriage or even exclusivity whilst dating. We should be financially independent and sexually adventurous. What could go wrong?

I think lots of people using these sites want lots of FWB/more casual hook ups without any commitment. Nothing wrong with that in itself but it must be harder if you want a relationship.

I honestly couldn't be bothered with it if I were single. If I met someone organically in real life then fine but I don't need a relationship and am really happy on my own.

I think things definitely got worse over lockdown. There was less of an expectation to make any sort of an effort with dates because of restrictions, and that's just sorta stuck. It's worrying but I do get the impression lots of women take men up on those offers. Especially with the younger generation, it seems "situationships" are more commonplace than real relationships.

I agree with others that I think it's much better to meet people IRL if you can. The majority of people just seem to view the apps as a hook up service, and trying to weed them out to find the ones wanting a relationship is like a needle in a haystack.

Men can now pick women like sweets in a candy shop.

They delude themselves that they can. It only works if they are actually good looking and the woman or man is attracted to them, same as any other method of meeting people. I would imagine your average flabby, ugly heterosexual middle aged men who think they are god's gift end up pestering an awful lot of women online, going on a few dates and not actually having very much sex at all. It doesn't actually give them any extra powers at all and they don't hold the cards.

If women just want casual sex on the other hand it's incredibly easy for most either online or offline. I would say online dating is a candy shop for attractive women and men who want casual hook ups but not really otherwise.

I thought that Tinder and Hinge were more like pickup sites rather than people looking for proper relationships. I think perhaps you need to try somewhere else.