Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To feel gutted at men's behaviour online dating?

75 replies

Celia24 · 15/08/2023 10:08

I want to preface this by saying I've online dated before. One I got a long term relationship from, I've also had 2 short term flings/fwbs.

Even with the fwbs we would always meet for a drink or a bite then go home together. It was mostly sex but I always felt respected.

Over the last week I've had numerous invitations to either go to the man's house directly or for them to come to me as a first date. These are professional men with great jobs and interests - men I'd actually like to date! Another I actually did date but ghosted me then apologised saying he has depression.

I think I'm a catch. I have a good job, creative hobbies and I'm fairly good looking. Has something changed? I feel like a free prostitute and disrespected if I'm honest.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Weddingpuzzle · 15/08/2023 15:01

You seem to have a bit of mentionitis about this newly single 'friend' OP? Are you comparing these OLD men to him at all?

Maybe come off the apps if they are stressing you out and focus on just enjoying the rest of 2023 and meander through to the new year and then start again in 2024? I have a feeling you might not need the apps by then though

Original poster

Celia24 · 15/08/2023 15:03

@Weddingpuzzle oh I don't think so!

He's quite different from the guys I mentioned and I am being quite open minded about different guys with various interests.

Well I hope you're right there 😁

OP posts:

Original poster

Celia24 · 15/08/2023 15:05

@BananaSlug this has to be the only explanation. At first all I could think was how can they be serious thinking I'll go to theirs date one??

Then I realised: women must actually say yes to this! I can't believe they'd have such little regard for their own safety. It's insane.

OP posts:

JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 15:10

I would assume you're catching those who want no strings?

I mean I personally wouldn't invite a woman to mine or go to theirs on a first date if I was looking for a relationship. Would be bit weird?

However, if it's not a relationship being sought you're likely gonna end up going to one or the others I would have thought.

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/08/2023 15:11

Oopsididitagain12 · 15/08/2023 11:55

Some of them are probably married and just looking for hook ups. If they say they are separated or recently single, I wouldn't take it at face value. The married ones won't be keen to meet in public places or have time to do coffees/dinners etc.

This .... There are a tonne of attached men on dating sites & apps.

Their relationship status makes them "odd" on their behaviour.

They'll do things like want home dates, want to come to yours, ask if you live alone, and - if you don't appear up for sex quite quickly - ghost.

I wouldn't like to hazard a guess at what percentage are attached but it's high.

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/08/2023 15:16

Celia24 · 15/08/2023 15:05

@BananaSlug this has to be the only explanation. At first all I could think was how can they be serious thinking I'll go to theirs date one??

Then I realised: women must actually say yes to this! I can't believe they'd have such little regard for their own safety. It's insane.

I know a fellow Mum to young kids and she is looking for a relationship but will also do NSA/FWB etc. She probably goes to theirs if she's free to, but also has them to hers, even with her young DDS there (asleep usually, but they have met several of the men she was trying to have relationships with).

She has a high sex drive, and I suspect maybe BPD, I'm not sure. I met her one day and she announced that she wasn't having much luck with men on old so she was now dating women (I'd never heard the slightest suggestion that she was bi before) and also that she's decided she wanted a threesome and was pursuing that.

They are out there. The men just keep s atter gunning to find them.

Some women are also very naive and thinkmitll turn into a relationship etc.

madeleine85 · 15/08/2023 15:17

Online dating was the same 10 years ago tbh. I’d get plenty of those “let’s just watch something at my house” messages a few hours before we were due to go out. I’d just cancel. For every 9 girls that cancel, one will say yes. That’s their logic I’d bet. I met my husband on bumble. It was after a night out, i right swiped a bunch with no glasses on, woke up the next day and he was one of the better ones. The sober me would never have swiped on him, he had old pictures which were very different looking, no words, no job listed etc. In real life he has a great job, wasn’t big into selfies, and just hated online dating as when women saw his job he said “all dinners became expensive scallop outings suddenly” and he felt a bit taken advantage of. Try something different to your norm is my advice. I found the better ones had bad profiles that pleasantly surprised in real life, and dating really is a numbers game. Good luck!

BananaSlug · 15/08/2023 15:19

Celia24 · 15/08/2023 15:05

@BananaSlug this has to be the only explanation. At first all I could think was how can they be serious thinking I'll go to theirs date one??

Then I realised: women must actually say yes to this! I can't believe they'd have such little regard for their own safety. It's insane.

Yeah they definitely do I’ve known a few women who would have zero issues with doing that so I guess it becomes an expectation and men are going to chance it

Newlifestartingover · 15/08/2023 15:29

Tinder is an app made for hook ups though, I wouldn't be shocked to be asked this on Tinder.

What kind of pictures do you have on your profile? If you're on Tinder and have bikini pics or pictures of yourself pouting/winking or wearing sexy clothes then you're giving the impression that you're DTF.

bonzaitree · 15/08/2023 15:37

you Just have to be so fucking ruthless and have such strong boundaries.

I found my OH online dating. But I was so ruthless. One whiff of a red flag and id just block them. No sentimentality, no regrets, don’t engage with their nonsense. Just block and don’t give it a second thought. NEXT!

Look on TikTok for red flags when dating or boundaries when dating if you don’t know what to look for.

But there are lovely men out there you just have to not let the dick heads waste your time!

also have you tried Bumble? You approach the men so they tend to be a little nicer.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 15/08/2023 15:49

It seems common with my friends who are dating (I'm in my 20s). Of course most say absolutely not because it's unsafe. This has led to them being accused of using men for free meals etc and only wanting dates that cost money!

Imo it's fine to offer to go for coffee, ice cream or a walk in the park for a first date if they don't have a lot of money. But not back to someone's home.

They're either after easy sex or are so stupid they don't see the danger that would put their date in.

Original poster

Celia24 · 15/08/2023 16:02

@Newlifestartingover no sexy clothes.

I have photos of me travelling, with friends, hiking etc. One full length pic showing off my figure. I have an hourglass with big boobs etc but that's just how I look. No flesh on show.

OP posts:

TheWayoftheLeaf · 15/08/2023 16:13

DeeCeeCherry · 15/08/2023 11:26

In this day and age of incels, women-hating men, and failure men who didn't make lifeplan so are looking to latch on/faded old players who don't know when to give up, I don't know why any woman would put herself on the Internet as a possible catch for these duds. It's blatantly obvious that its a pit.

& Why do some expect that men, faced with so much choice, wont simply go from site to site looking for hook-ups that they can fool with a few dates and love talk, then dump after sex? With the caveat that OLD seems to work well enough for under 30s and I do know of some successful Tinder relationships but beyond that, no.

What's wrong with real-life socialising and hobbies? There are lots of music/fitness etc weekenders and festivals, lots of different activities where large groups of people socialising are. It can't all be about finding a man to make life. No time or care for self and socialising = no point seeking a relationship and then expecting anything beyond a 4 walls/from chair to bed situation. After all, he'll quickly know that you do nothing much and will play on that.

As others have said tho, it's cool for women seeking casual sex but aside from that, dating 20 men in the hope that 1 will be OK AND want a relationship just seems brutal. Real life is nicer. Not always perfect, but definitely better than some dud behind a screen pretending to be who he most surely isn't

My mum - in her 50s - met her new husband online! They were engaged and married within 2 years of meeting and he's a real gem.

millymoo1202 · 15/08/2023 16:17

I could’ve written this post, I’m 51, met a guy 3 times stupidly had sex on third occasion, heard from him a few times after and now just been ghosted, stupid thing is he’d dipped in and out for past year but said all the right things, should’ve gone with my gut! Few messages from someone else, funny, good looking arranged to meet for coffee and then it was just come to mine. No thanks you could be a serial killer! Now gone silent. I had hoped by this age it might be better but clearly not!

JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 16:45

Celia24 · 15/08/2023 16:02

@Newlifestartingover no sexy clothes.

I have photos of me travelling, with friends, hiking etc. One full length pic showing off my figure. I have an hourglass with big boobs etc but that's just how I look. No flesh on show.

The full length picture is likely to tick the boxes regardless of no flesh, I would say.

Not saying take it down just my thoughts.

Flyonthewall01 · 15/08/2023 17:02

I wouldn’t say tinder is inherently a hookup app anymore. It started as that but not now. I met my ex of 6 years on tinder and my current partner of 9 months on tinder too. Before getting in a relationship with my current boyfriend I had a fair few dates with very normal, nice men. I got a few idiots who’d match and straight up ask for sex but I just told them I wasn’t interested and moved on.
I am the same age as you OP with a good job, hobbies and my own house. It might be partly down to who you are picking. For example, I’d never swipe on armed forces, gym bunny, or a tradey.

JenniferBooth · 15/08/2023 17:04

Women are socially conditioned now to not expect marriage or even exclusivity whilst dating. We should be financially independent and sexually adventurous

Yep The men are laughing

NualaG · 15/08/2023 17:30

I got totally disheartened I’d spent 7 years just working and looking after my daughter after leaving her dad. Personally I found some of the men just so entitled and off putting. The one I dated for 3 months that turned out to be basket case was as good as it got for me. I do occasionally miss intimacy and all the things that come with a relationship but I’m not willing hedge my bets online anymore it was a bit soul destroying. Like I said though a couple of people I know got lucky but not many.

coxesorangepippin · 15/08/2023 17:33

They are like kids in a sweet shop

Between OLD and porn, they don't need to bother

NualaG · 15/08/2023 18:55

I agree with you. I found out he’d been going to sleep with another woman once a week. We started asking to borrow money so when I found out about this woman I dumped. She told me herself that before that he kept saying he didn’t know what he wanted. When I ditched him he needed her for money and I’m genuinely not saying this to be mean but she really isn’t a looker. Then he sent me a video of them having sex saying she’s the love of his life.

I thought when did life become this sordid. I want no part in this sickness. I don’t need to pay a man to date me I know I’m attractive and have good qualities. This poor woman must seriously lack self love. His friend told me he’s still on the sites shagging anything he can get his hands on.

NualaG · 15/08/2023 19:03

There are good men out there who will treat you well not have their head turned but unfortunately I don’t think many of them are on OLD. My dads friend is 65 and he’s seeing 4 women from dating sites. I always disliked this man and I don’t know how he gets women he an ogre. It’s grim.

JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 19:27

It does sound grim even as a guy. I knew it was bad in general for women on OLD but didn't know some of this shit I'm reading happens. Don't get it.

JenniferBooth · 15/08/2023 20:00

Christ Nuala what a sicko

Newlifestartingover · 16/08/2023 08:13

bonzaitree · 15/08/2023 15:37

you Just have to be so fucking ruthless and have such strong boundaries.

Look on TikTok for red flags when dating or boundaries when dating if you don’t know what to look for.

But there are lovely men out there you just have to not let the dick heads waste your time!

also have you tried Bumble? You approach the men so they tend to be a little nicer.

This is very good advice

LightSpeeds · 16/08/2023 08:31

"Has something changed?"

Most definitely!

I first on-line dated 18 years ago and have dabbled occasionally since then.

When I started (back in 2005), I'd say it was a pretty high quality thing - I met and had relationships with some amazing people.

On-line dating has steadily gone downhill since then and, no doubt, fuelled by porn, many men's behaviour and expectations have now just about hit the gutter.

Flip

1 2 3