To feel gutted at men's behaviour online dating?

[Celia24]

I want to preface this by saying I've online dated before. One I got a long term relationship from, I've also had 2 short term flings/fwbs.

Even with the fwbs we would always meet for a drink or a bite then go home together. It was mostly sex but I always felt respected.

Over the last week I've had numerous invitations to either go to the man's house directly or for them to come to me as a first date. These are professional men with great jobs and interests - men I'd actually like to date! Another I actually did date but ghosted me then apologised saying he has depression.

I think I'm a catch. I have a good job, creative hobbies and I'm fairly good looking. Has something changed? I feel like a free prostitute and disrespected if I'm honest.

Agreed.

I don't think these are sites where people go to find long term relationships (hinge maybe, tinder not).

That doesn't mean it can't happen on Tinder, just that it is orientated towards more "casual" dating.

@britnay I don't think Hinge is like this so much. I did have a couple of dates with a guy from there lately and he wasn't sex mad, just hopeless!

Tinder yes - I have met 1 FWB there in the past. But even then I've had casual hook up arrangements but even in those cases everyone at least was semi civilised.

This invitation to come right over does seem like it's come from COVID.

In this day and age of incels, women-hating men, and failure men who didn't make lifeplan so are looking to latch on/faded old players who don't know when to give up, I don't know why any woman would put herself on the Internet as a possible catch for these duds. It's blatantly obvious that its a pit.

& Why do some expect that men, faced with so much choice, wont simply go from site to site looking for hook-ups that they can fool with a few dates and love talk, then dump after sex? With the caveat that OLD seems to work well enough for under 30s and I do know of some successful Tinder relationships but beyond that, no.

What's wrong with real-life socialising and hobbies? There are lots of music/fitness etc weekenders and festivals, lots of different activities where large groups of people socialising are. It can't all be about finding a man to make life. No time or care for self and socialising = no point seeking a relationship and then expecting anything beyond a 4 walls/from chair to bed situation. After all, he'll quickly know that you do nothing much and will play on that.

As others have said tho, it's cool for women seeking casual sex but aside from that, dating 20 men in the hope that 1 will be OK AND want a relationship just seems brutal. Real life is nicer. Not always perfect, but definitely better than some dud behind a screen pretending to be who he most surely isn't

Agreed @floribunda18 the first guy with the great job was average looking but told me he just wanted sex.

The last guy I hooked up with as a FWB was the lead singer of a UK band and extremely hot. If we're doing this on looks alone why am I going to choose an average looking bloke? I wonder how successful he is in the end.

I'm early 40s and spent a large portion of my earlier life thinking about my SO of the moment. The emotions, the time, the energy dedicated in their direction. Thinking about their life besides my life and compromising and checking with them and organising and making decisions based on being together.
Now I think, what could an SO possibly give me that would be worth all that? Even best case, some good sex, some intelligent conversation, someone to come home to to share little things with. I'm not sure that is a great trade off. I think I could find those things, possibly with exception of the last, without having to dedicate all that time, energy and emotion into someone else's life. Having to consult or consider someone else about all my decisions.
I think I've had enough of living with someone else as the thing around which I pivot.
Being single = not bad. Forget the dating sites OP.

so this is where I'm at:

I am content with my life. I have a good job. I have fun hobbies. I'm also going to be a debut author next year! So exciting. But I do miss having someone to share it with and yes the intimacy.

I split from my ex 4 years ago. In that time, I've had 2 short term scenarios (6 month & 2 months). They worked for me at the time.

I'm also in a theatre group and do performances every month. What I find is that many of the actors I meet are confident in stage but shy off of it. I've actually seen a few of them on Tinder but they practically shake if you try to talk to them in person!

But...

One guy did ask me out after seeing me perform last month. But he love bombed me big time so I didn't go in the end

i think that COVID and the apps mean men approach women much less often. #metoo as well actually - I think it's a great thing but men don't really approach now.

I'm going on a trip with a male friend next month. He split from his long term partner last year & we've never been single at the same time. He's one of the best people I know so I do wonder if we could be more sometimes but I'm not sure yet.

I am going to a festival next month so maybe I just need to persevere and keep putting myself out there. I'm 31, so I suppose I have some time...

@RudsyFarmer Yeah you're right of course:

'To understand the man you’re going to need to know about their upbringing, relationship with their mother, any traumas particularly when young. Relationship history, children, then social life and job.'

I don't really know these men, just the veneer they show the world.

Seriously stop online dating I met a horror of all horror. He posted sexual videos with my knowledge of him making them and sent them to his friends. When I found out after we split and hit the roof and sent him abusive messages he reported me for harrassment now I’m under investigation.

I can’t do anything videos because I don’t have evidence but I know it true because of what I was told about the video. Next step is he hands his phone to police for download which he is keep making excuses but he isn’t dropping it and neither are they so I’m in limbo. He can’t hand his phone because he will go to jail for revenge porn but it’s still horrible being under investigation. Meet people in real life get to them properly way too many sexual predators etc online it’s their play ground.

Which is why we have to date these men and if they won’t date they (really annoyingly I understand) have to be filtered out straight away. Even if you managed to cowboy lasso these guys and reel them in hey would still disappoint you down the line. Either by you losing years of fertility and them walking away anyway or by them fucking you over later when you are financially vulnerable with young children.

Try bumble.

I've had a very different experience with OLD! Almost everyone I've matched with has been respectful and kind. Yes I've had men wanting hook up situations, but no one has expected that I'd have sex with them on the first date - all viewed a date as a way for us to see if we had an attraction in real life. And with the guys I've actually met up with for dates, they've almost all been completely lovely. The worst thing that's happened to me so far is a man who refused to get his wallet out to pay for our cups of tea! I mean, I don't mind buying him a tea, but I thought that was tight not to even offer, and it put me right off him.

Some of them are probably married and just looking for hook ups. If they say they are separated or recently single, I wouldn't take it at face value. The married ones won't be keen to meet in public places or have time to do coffees/dinners etc.

@bingojuice have you tried it?

I get the impression I'll meet passive men because the woman has to make the first move. Although my friend met her boyfriend there recently.

@Celia24 no I've been with my husband 11 years lol my best friend does and she says it's the best one. She loves it.

I met a complete sociopath on bumble. Get out there more get chatting to people and forget online dating. I have.

The reality is that I have been getting out there. I've made loads of new friends but no one romantically yet.

Sometimes you are putting yourself out there but it can be very hard to meet someone. Since turning 30 I also people tend to assume you're partnered.

That’s a great age to meet someone who wants a serious relationship.

You are going to get the divorcees with children looking to date again. You need to decide if you want to be a step mother.

You are going to get the serial bachelors who have used their twenties to get laid.

Then you are going to get the virgins or inexperienced guys who are sometimes incels (watch out for the angry profiles declaring themselves as ‘good guys’).

Then you have the ones, and in my experiences these are the ones to hone in on) who are out of long term relationships and looking for another long term relationship. You need to be careful of the rebound aspect to these guys as they have the potential to go straight back to their ex if they are still hung up on her. You need to find the ones who made the decision themselves to leave.

I know I’m making it sound like a needle in a haystack, and it probably is, but if you can find one of these unicorns you’re golden 🦄

If I could live my life over again....knowing this which I learned the hard way.....!

I can vouch for eHarmony - I met my lovely fiancé within a couple of days of joining, coming up to three years ago now. It was my first/only stab at online dating but all of the men who messaged seemed okay at first blush, no unpleasant messages or dick pics - much to my DMs disappointment, she was planning on providing them with a constructive critique prior to me blocking them 😆

I did online dating for 3 years before I met my now husband online. I took it like a second job towards the end as by then I had seen it all and I didn't have time or patience for any bs. Any man contacting me... I would chat shortly on the app, have a call within 2-4 days and based on that I would then either block or meet. I was chatting with lots of men when my now husband sent me a message. When I checked his profile it was short and nothing special, pictures were not that great. He definitely wasn't my top interest at that stage. He asked to call and we had a good phone conversation so I agreed to meet him face to face. All those 'top interests' I had at that time turned out to be idiots and i am so grateful I didn't ignore my now husband because of his profile being 'boring'.

And similarly my partner (soon to be husband) had a very short profile that was incredibly sweet. No flash cars in it - although unbeknown to me at the time he actually had one. No fish. No massively social photos. Just him being him. I was a very simple soul too. Not flashy, not a party animal. We just worked and still work twelve years later.

I guess you can get lucky on a dating site but o do think it’s a playground for narcissistic types. Never again for me, I like being single. If I meet someone naturally great if not who the cares. I already have a child though so that’s not in my mind.

Yeah @NualaG I think if I had a child it wouldn't be something I'd be worried about so much.

I do feel happy single most of the time. But other times like now I miss going on dates, romance and yes, sex!

I'm very lucky that I have strong close friendships 10-20 years long plus a good family and lots of fun acquaintances. In the end it might be best to come off the apps and hope I'll meet someone along the line.

@RudsyFarmer I think you summed up the 'types' quite well!

The guy I went on dates with from Hinge was clearly still hung up on his ex. He didn't say it but I could feel this wall between us and a quick look at his social media proved it.

The male friend I'm going on hol with soon left his partner of a decade so they are out there. It's hard to keep your chin up sometimes.

Is it surprising? There are plenty of women who will do this so it’s not surprising men try their luck?