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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU kids on beach while you're in the sea?

112 replies

beachquestion · 14/08/2023 15:02

I’m hoping MN might help resolve an issue for me. We’re divorced parents, so holidaying alone.

My kids’ father thinks that it should be ok to leave our 4 and 6 year old alone on the beach while he goes for a swim, provided that he’s checked it out and tide is out so he’s less far away.

I think that regardless of tide/conditions that it’s not safe to leave kids that young alone on the beach while their only adult is in the sea, and he’d be too far away to really be able to look after them. They’d have to be at least a few years older for me to feel safe doing that.

Am I being overly cautious or is he not being cautious enough? Neither child can swim confidently in the sea. 6yr old is pretty sensible but youngest still only 4.

OP posts:
Original poster
beachquestion · 14/08/2023 19:17

CurlewKate · 14/08/2023 19:13

Do they wear flotation devices? Surely they'd be fine in the sea with him if they did? That's certainly what I used to do.

They do have water wings/armbands so I assume they're wearing those - is that enough in the sea?

OP posts:
Lemonyyy · 14/08/2023 19:23

No - I wouldn’t leave my youngest who is 7 alone on the beach.

Lemonyyy · 14/08/2023 19:25

Also what would happen if he got into difficulty in the water? They would be alone on the beach until someone clocked them, they’d be vulnerable to all sorts.

panko · 14/08/2023 19:26

No, you get all sorts of dodgy people at the seaside

panko · 14/08/2023 19:27

heldinadream · 14/08/2023 18:59

@beachquestion you're right, his 'solution' isn't safe either. I'm not usually a fan of this but would you consider showing him the thread? I think he needs to realise that in most people's opinions his behaviour is downright dangerous and could end very badly.

Good idea tbh

panko · 14/08/2023 19:28

beachquestion · 14/08/2023 18:54

Thank you all for your replies. I'm relieved to see I'm being reasonable and that plenty of other parents agree.

He'd agreed not to leave them alone but has now said he's solved it by taking them in the sea with him, and I'm now worried this is even more dangerous. I don't think one adult with two kids in the sea is particularly safe either.

Paddling - fine. Anything deeper than mid calf - no

panko · 14/08/2023 19:30

AgileLass · 14/08/2023 15:32

I’m clearly a terrible parent, because I’ve gone for a dip a few times this summer while leaving similar age D.C. to potter and play on the beach within my eyeline

Yes tbh. You wouldn't be able to intervene quickly if someone approached them

Irridescantshimmmer · 14/08/2023 19:34

......and not a cat in hells chance from me.

redlightgreen · 14/08/2023 19:38

No.

a school friend of mine was left on the beach (with friends) by their mother while she went out for swim and their mother drowned. This was in spain in the late 80s. My friend was subsequently raised by her aunt as the father wasn’t involved.

it’s not only the children who are at risk here. Granted what happened to my friend is most unusual but it’s always stuck with me.

NoSquirrels · 14/08/2023 19:38

When he says ‘take them in the water’ he presumably doesn’t mean going out of the 7 year old’s depth or doing any proper swimming?

I think it’s unreasonable to say a lone parent on holiday can’t have fun in the sea with their DC at any depth, as it ought to be possible to supervise 2 DC splashing about in the shallows. But actual swimming - no. Not safe. Ask him how he’d choose which child to save if he had to?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/08/2023 20:27

@MrsMarzetti just trying to work out if it's a moment of madness on holiday in a very child-friendly Med resort or this is at home, default behaviour.

People do things on holiday they would never do at home.

WingedHermes · 14/08/2023 20:28

Not a chance.

Saschka · 14/08/2023 20:36

redlightgreen · 14/08/2023 19:38

No.

a school friend of mine was left on the beach (with friends) by their mother while she went out for swim and their mother drowned. This was in spain in the late 80s. My friend was subsequently raised by her aunt as the father wasn’t involved.

it’s not only the children who are at risk here. Granted what happened to my friend is most unusual but it’s always stuck with me.

But by that reckoning, no parent should go in the sea ever? It sounds like the children were left well supervised, the issue is the parent drowned, which could have happened regardless of who the children were with.

I could go for a swim leaving my children on the beach with my husband, and if I drowned my children would still be motherless.

Mumof2teens79 · 14/08/2023 20:40

beachquestion · 14/08/2023 15:02

I’m hoping MN might help resolve an issue for me. We’re divorced parents, so holidaying alone.

My kids’ father thinks that it should be ok to leave our 4 and 6 year old alone on the beach while he goes for a swim, provided that he’s checked it out and tide is out so he’s less far away.

I think that regardless of tide/conditions that it’s not safe to leave kids that young alone on the beach while their only adult is in the sea, and he’d be too far away to really be able to look after them. They’d have to be at least a few years older for me to feel safe doing that.

Am I being overly cautious or is he not being cautious enough? Neither child can swim confidently in the sea. 6yr old is pretty sensible but youngest still only 4.

How far away, is he swimming seriously or just paddling/sitting/splashing. How busy is the beach?

4 & 6 is too young to be left anywhere in the open/public without virtually constant visual monitoring and being in earshot. So on a quite beach they could be playing and I could be 20 m in any direction including wading in the sea.

But if I was doing any more than that, such as actually swimming so I wasn't watching them...then no.

The risk to the kids is not the water/tide...its everything else (passing dog, passing stranger, weaver fish, jelly fish, glass or bbq on beach, flying balls, kids wandering off....or even the adult/parent in the water getting into difficulties, kids going in after them or home not coming back)

RebeccaCloud9 · 14/08/2023 20:42

4 and 6?!?! Absolutely bloody not!! Jesus Christ, I'd be debating that at much, much older. So much can go catastrophically wrong at the beach!

Scottishskifun · 14/08/2023 20:44

beachquestion · 14/08/2023 19:17

They do have water wings/armbands so I assume they're wearing those - is that enough in the sea?

Show quote history

Paddling is fine...swimming nope your ex is a fuckwit!
If he thinks this is OK get him to run his "idea" past a member of the RNLI see what their reaction is!

He clearly has zero clue about the sea. Show him a picture of a beach ask him to point out the riptides and where its safe to swim.... I bet he can't identify them and would pick them to swim in....(as generally they are the calmer looking section without bigger waves)

SE13Mummy · 14/08/2023 20:51

Leaving two young children playing on the sand without their adult close enough to be useful definitely feels unsafe. Splashing about in the water with both children, lying down and 'body-surfing' the waves with them, jumping over waves etc that are no higher than the smallest child's knees is fine but not actual swimming.

Hardbackwriter · 14/08/2023 20:52

Mumof2teens79 · 14/08/2023 20:40

How far away, is he swimming seriously or just paddling/sitting/splashing. How busy is the beach?

4 & 6 is too young to be left anywhere in the open/public without virtually constant visual monitoring and being in earshot. So on a quite beach they could be playing and I could be 20 m in any direction including wading in the sea.

But if I was doing any more than that, such as actually swimming so I wasn't watching them...then no.

The risk to the kids is not the water/tide...its everything else (passing dog, passing stranger, weaver fish, jelly fish, glass or bbq on beach, flying balls, kids wandering off....or even the adult/parent in the water getting into difficulties, kids going in after them or home not coming back)

Show quote history

I disagree that this is just like leaving them in any other public place inadequately supervised, although I agree with you that at those ages you also shouldn't do that. The water is very much the big danger here and makes it an order of magnitude worse. I actually find it alarming that people on this thread are talking about a stranger or dodgy people as equally likely risks as drowning when we're talking about leaving children near water.

I usually find that I'm very lax/non-neurotic (depending on your perspective) compared to most MN posters. But water and children is not something to fuck around with and it is absolutely not the place to take risks.

SuperiorM · 14/08/2023 20:55

Most definitely not. In 12 years of visiting Cornish beaches, I’ve seen this very rarely and only once where the older child was anywhere near as young as that. Also, they can always be spotted as the kids are never happy being left.

Belladonna56 · 14/08/2023 20:55

No, of course it's not safe. What is he thinking?

legalseagull · 14/08/2023 20:56

Madness. But he's also got his tides wrong. You want the tide to be IN. Otherwise you have to walk really far away from the kids before you get deep enough to swim.

legalseagull · 14/08/2023 20:57

It's not just about the kids safety. What if HE drowned. The kids are alone without anyone knowing.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 14/08/2023 21:05

TheGoodBanana · 14/08/2023 15:09

Just because he leaves them on the sand does not mean they will stay there. He is absolutely in the wrong.

This!

Eightypercent · 14/08/2023 21:08

TrishM80 · 14/08/2023 19:02

Young kids go into the sea with their parents all the time, don't they?!

And every year we hear of tragedy, don't we?

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