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Original poster

How would you deal with this? (How ex is treating the children)

77 replies

Setupquestion · 13/08/2023 20:41

I have always had a healthy friendly relationship with ex since we split. That is until he met his current partner. They had a child really quick after they met. Ex lives back in the US but visited regularly as his job enabled this. He now no longer visits the children except for a week for their birthday (twins).

I therefore decided to visit him for a few weeks in his country so the children can spend some time with him and his family. Well that was a mistake because we have been here for 2 weeks now and he has not spent anytime with the children at all. When I walk into a room he walks out and is very short with me, as I said we used to get on well before his new partner and baby. I feel sad for the children because they haven't seen him for 9 months and he is just ignoring them and being short and mean to them in the very little interaction he is having with them. He is making a big fuss of his new baby in their face and walks into a room with new baby, doesn't acknowledge the children and walks out. His partner is loving it. It was his idea for us to visit however he told me his partner is not happy about us visiting but I did not believe for one second that he would bow down to her in regards to the children.

I believe his partner is encouraging him to treat me and the children this way because he was not like this when he used to visit us. I feel so sad for the children, they are only 8 years old and were so excited to see him and now they have been looking really sad and confused at times because they are not used to him treating them this way.

My question is, where do I go from here. Would you visit again? I have been wondering what would be the point since he is mean to them and not spending any time with them. But on the other hand he no longer visits us anymore as his partner doesn't "allow" it.

I have tried talking to him but he is just twisting it and hasn't changed, if anything it has gotten worse.

Please help me try to see what would be best for the children.

OP posts:
Biscuitsandgravyforyou · 13/08/2023 20:44

I would get an air bnb and get your kids out of that situation asap. I definitely would not be facilitating this again

MadeForThis · 13/08/2023 20:52

I would try and have an amazing holiday with your kids and ignore him from now on. If he wants a relationship then he needs to make it happen.

NEmama · 13/08/2023 20:53

Go home

Original poster
Setupquestion · 13/08/2023 20:54

I am staying with one of his family members and he comes and goes with his baby or partner as he pleases. I also had a talk to him about spending time with the children alone to see if that helped but he started to shout and say it is all of them together or nothing. It just makes no sense, I'm in such shock and don't know what to next in regards to the children.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 13/08/2023 20:57

Unfortunately his partner does not want your children involved in their life and he has chosen her over them.
Have a wonderful holiday with your children in the states without him and go home and don’t attempt to see or speak to their father again

YoBeaches · 13/08/2023 21:00

Yes he's made his position clear. They are no longer that important to him. Regardless of the partner he's a grown man and is making his own decisions.

I would leave any contact up to him and leave it at that. The situation you're in. Owl is worse for the kids than no contact at alll, long term, as they are at an age to understand what's going on.

cansu · 13/08/2023 21:02

I would go home as soon as I could. If you have to stay until the end of the holiday I would focus on making it a holiday and disregard him. I certainly would not be returning but say nothing until you get back home. He sounds utterly awful.

Original poster
Setupquestion · 13/08/2023 21:03

Unfortunately his partner does not want your children involved in their life and he has chosen her over them.
Have a wonderful holiday with your children in the states without him and go home and don’t attempt to see or speak to their father again

Sadly I think this is true. I'm sad for the children. And I don't ever want the children to think that I kept them away from their father and I know he will twist it it look that way. I know he will also tell people that it's me keeping them away. However, the children are my main concern and I'm worried about their wellbeing with their father no loner in their life as I know they will miss him.

OP posts:
cruffinsmuffin · 13/08/2023 21:07

How old is the baby? If it's super young then I can imagine him spending more time around the young baby and his partner who needs support, wrong as it may seem.

Without sounding horrifically rude - how did you imagine it working for the rest of the DCs life when you live in totally different countries? How long is the flight between where you are normally and where he is in the US? Realistically as they get older it'll be harder to maintain that relationship, especially as his life moves on over there and yours moves on over here. They'll see each other so infrequently they'll be totally different people every time they meet. This is from someone who was in a different country to their dad growing up, it was hard.

I wouldn't in your shoes be putting so much effort in for someone who can't even be bothered to put in 1/10th of that effort when you're already over there.

Ponderingwindow · 13/08/2023 21:09

He is choosing to lose his relationship with his children. There is no way to sugarcoat that. You can’t maintain it for him. You won’t be helping them by trying to pretend a relationship exists that just isn’t there anymore.

take the children out have fun. Tell him he and his new family are welcome to join you on your outings, but you are done sitting around waiting for an audience.

When you get back from your trip, just leave contact to him. It is going to hurt when he fails, but dragging it out won’t make the situation any easier.

Gymmum82 · 13/08/2023 21:09

Setupquestion · 13/08/2023 21:03

Unfortunately his partner does not want your children involved in their life and he has chosen her over them.
Have a wonderful holiday with your children in the states without him and go home and don’t attempt to see or speak to their father again

Sadly I think this is true. I'm sad for the children. And I don't ever want the children to think that I kept them away from their father and I know he will twist it it look that way. I know he will also tell people that it's me keeping them away. However, the children are my main concern and I'm worried about their wellbeing with their father no loner in their life as I know they will miss him.

He knows where they are. He knows how to contact them. If they ask to contact him let them. They will see how disinterested he is. They have seen how he has treated them this visit. They are 8. Not babies. They won’t forget. He won’t be able to twist this treatment in their minds. It’s already set and happened.
He can tell others whatever he wants but you and they know the truth

Catusrusty · 13/08/2023 21:10

It doesn't matter if they miss him, because he doesn't miss them. They effectively mean nothing to him now. It's better that they aren't around this shit human. The new partner is an idiot too, because if he is willing to treat your kids as disposable, you can be damn sure he would do the same to hers.

They will forget about him OP and you are enough for them.

If finances allow go home or go somewhere else in the US and try and make it a holiday for you and the kids and put this loser behind you.

LittleNightin · 13/08/2023 21:11

Has the family member noticed how he's treating you all?

Original poster
Setupquestion · 13/08/2023 21:11

The baby is 16 months so not new born or anything. Plus they have plenty of support for his family. In regards to being in diffrent countries we made it work great as his work facilitated the visits so he could see them whenever he wanted.

OP posts:
Neonyellowfish · 13/08/2023 21:12

Can you leave your kids with him without you there? Maybe he doesn’t want you around when he has the kids now he has his new partner to please too?

nealjacob53 · 13/08/2023 21:14

i have one word for him , selfish pig !!!

MyBrownEyedHandsomeBoy · 13/08/2023 21:16

Sorry but this is just shit and as hard as it is I would just accept you and your lovely children won't be seeing him for a long time (if ever) again.
I would rise above it op, I know it's tough but just smile (or grin and bear) through these few weeks and plan plenty of time for you and your DC to go out and about sight seeing or excursions even whilst you're in the states (hopefully he'll "turn up" for his swift visit and you'll be out enjoying time with your kids and hopefully he will feel put out) but fuck him.

Then come home, and figure out yours and your lovely DC lives without him in it. He will realise one day (probably when they're adults like mine did) that he fucked up and missed out on all the important years....
Luckily my amazing step dad who is sadly no longer with us was able to share the special moments with me like celebrating my GCSEs, Prom, starting college, getting my A-Levels, getting my first job before he passed (and this was 11 years ago now)... still to this day I refer to my step dad as 'dad' and my "biological father" as that (or sperm donor depending on what mood I am in)
And I turned out absolutely fine 😌 so don't worry OP. They only need YOU. If you find a diamond of a bloke in the future who will be a 'real dad' to them then that's nice too. But I think.. fuck the nob who got new totty and had a new baby, leave them to it!

Have a lovely holiday OP, and don't plan a visit there anymore you and your babies don't deserve to be second best. Move on and be happy without that nob. If he 'wants' to see your kids in future then he make that long ass haul flight to see you in future, and on YOUR terms 😘

Original poster
Setupquestion · 13/08/2023 21:19

take the children out have fun. Tell him he and his new family are welcome to join you on your outings, but you are done sitting around waiting for an audience

I even tried this but he still ignores them and is mean to them. He can't even hold one of their hands without his partner giving him daggers. He them drops their hand and is all over her :(
This is why I suggested he see them alone but of course he hit the roof and said it is out of the question.

Can you leave your kids with him without you there? Maybe he doesn’t want you around when he has the kids now he has his new partner to please too

I don't think I would feel comfortable leaving the children alone with them after the treatment I have witnessed.

OP posts:
Edinvillian · 13/08/2023 21:20

I'd take my children and leave now. Utter shit excuse for a father that he is.

Neonyellowfish · 13/08/2023 21:22

I don't think I would feel comfortable leaving the children alone with them after the treatment I have witnessed

I was just thinking he may relax and act nicer without you there as your presence is probably making him act more abrupt as his partner is around too…

Hes a bastard but just a thought

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 13/08/2023 21:32

Take your children and go and have a holiday elsewhere in the US if this is possible. If not, just cut your losses and go home

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 13/08/2023 21:36

I'd try and make the most of what's left of your time there. Take the kids to another area and get an Airbnb or hotel then leave. Fuck him, he's being horrid and your dc don't deserve to be treated badly. Try and do something fun for the kids and don't see him again

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 13/08/2023 21:38

If he asks why your leaving, tell him it's because he's behaved appallingly and you won't see your children being emotionally abused in this way by their father

Teapleasebobb · 13/08/2023 21:41

Setupquestion · 13/08/2023 20:54

I am staying with one of his family members and he comes and goes with his baby or partner as he pleases. I also had a talk to him about spending time with the children alone to see if that helped but he started to shout and say it is all of them together or nothing. It just makes no sense, I'm in such shock and don't know what to next in regards to the children.

Have the other family members noticed the difference in his behaviour with dcs? It would be good to get someone on your side so that it's not just your word against his (not that you need it, but maybe they could try and reason with him?)

MeridianB · 13/08/2023 21:49

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 13/08/2023 21:38

If he asks why your leaving, tell him it's because he's behaved appallingly and you won't see your children being emotionally abused in this way by their father

This.

He’s a total fuckwit.

Presumably the family members you’re staying with are not giving you any support.

Leave and go to a motel and tell him and his wider family why.

You and your children deserve better. 🌺

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