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Original poster

How would you deal with this? (How ex is treating the children)

77 replies

Setupquestion · 13/08/2023 20:41

I have always had a healthy friendly relationship with ex since we split. That is until he met his current partner. They had a child really quick after they met. Ex lives back in the US but visited regularly as his job enabled this. He now no longer visits the children except for a week for their birthday (twins).

I therefore decided to visit him for a few weeks in his country so the children can spend some time with him and his family. Well that was a mistake because we have been here for 2 weeks now and he has not spent anytime with the children at all. When I walk into a room he walks out and is very short with me, as I said we used to get on well before his new partner and baby. I feel sad for the children because they haven't seen him for 9 months and he is just ignoring them and being short and mean to them in the very little interaction he is having with them. He is making a big fuss of his new baby in their face and walks into a room with new baby, doesn't acknowledge the children and walks out. His partner is loving it. It was his idea for us to visit however he told me his partner is not happy about us visiting but I did not believe for one second that he would bow down to her in regards to the children.

I believe his partner is encouraging him to treat me and the children this way because he was not like this when he used to visit us. I feel so sad for the children, they are only 8 years old and were so excited to see him and now they have been looking really sad and confused at times because they are not used to him treating them this way.

My question is, where do I go from here. Would you visit again? I have been wondering what would be the point since he is mean to them and not spending any time with them. But on the other hand he no longer visits us anymore as his partner doesn't "allow" it.

I have tried talking to him but he is just twisting it and hasn't changed, if anything it has gotten worse.

Please help me try to see what would be best for the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Setupquestion · 13/08/2023 21:49

Have the other family members noticed the difference in his behaviour with dcs? It would be good to get someone on your side so that it's not just your word against his (not that you need it, but maybe they could try and reason with him?

Yes and they have been looking at me in pity and his partner has been looking with glee. I think a Couple of them may have had a word with him but nothing has changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Setupquestion · 14/08/2023 15:16

I am planning on going home early. The children have been unusually upset and emotional. They haven't mentioned how their father is treating them but I know they feel it.

What would be your opinions on what I do in terms of the children and their father going forward once we're back home?

Thanks everyone.
I'm feeling slightly stronger since getting if of my chest and reading your replies.

OP posts:
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 14/08/2023 15:24

Going forward I'd certainly not travel to see him, I'd also be telling him he sees the dc on his own and with you present. Due to his behaviour I'd not be meeting him have unsupervised contact.

Motomum23 · 14/08/2023 15:37

Depending on what the relationship is like with the other family members (I'm presuming his parents and possibly aunts/uncles) I would be totally upfront about it all. He is the one in the wrong. Tell them you are taking their grandchildren/newphews whatever home early because their father is clearly being emotionally abusive, that you are happy to facilitate contact in anyway going forwards with them (grandparents etc) if they want to visit but until ex gets his head on straight you will not allow him to spend time with exs partner around as he is clearly manipulated by her.

Acheyknees · 14/08/2023 15:42

If maintaining a relationship with him means leaving your children upset and confused, I don't see any benefit in you trying to maintain it. I'd go home and make absolutely no effort in arranging contact. He's got to take the lead in WANTING to see his kids. Seems you are making all the effort and all your kids are getting is rejection.

BMW6 · 14/08/2023 15:45

Well I'd be telling him to Fuck Off And Die in the future for being so blatantly nasty to his own children. Your children must be so terribly hurt. Don't try and explain or excuse him, tell it like it is.

I'd tell his new partner that she'd better hope he doesn't ever take up with someone else as she might find herself and her child receiving this treatment from him - has she heard of Karma?

What a pair of utter utter CUNTS 😡

Greenfishy · 14/08/2023 15:47

This is so awful OP, I’m so sorry.
I do think you need to keep gently facilitating contact with him when you go home and let the kids see you do it so that he can never twist it that you didn’t let him see them. Facilitate video calls and birthday cards etc. But don’t take them to see him again. Support it if he comes over. And get them to talk about how they’re feeling to you and try and work it out.

The spiteful part of me would be planning to look straight in the new partners eyes and say ‘well this shows how he’ll treat you and new baby if you ever split up doesn’t it’ and then walk out the last time you see them but I doubt that would be helpful really.

Poor little loves. Some bastards don’t deserve to be parents.

Cherrysoup · 14/08/2023 15:47

Go home asap then leave the ball in your court. Taking 2 children to the US is a big undertaking. If he wants to see them, he knows where you live.

WunWun · 14/08/2023 15:50

How did this get arranged? I'm so confused. Why would you take them if he didn't invite them?

neilyoungismyhero · 14/08/2023 15:58

Trouble is if he doesn't want a relationship there's nothing you can do. He's decided he wants an entirely new life with a new partner and child. He isn't interested in you or his children with you. He has wiped his UK slate clean. He probably wasn't overkeen on you visiting but for some reason allowed it but is now pandering to his new wife for an easy life. You'll soon be gone and he'll be left with the fall out if he makes any fuss of his UK kids.
I'd chalk this down to experience and go home with your family. He's not worth headrace.

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 14/08/2023 16:08

I'd be telling him that, in future, all visits to the children will be in your home town, not in the USA. I'd also be making it very clear that it is his fault that this is how things will be in future, because you don't feel comfortable with the children being in his home and being pretty much ignored.
Obviously, when the children are older, they can make their own decision about whether to go to the USA to visit him, but there is no way I'd be facilitating anything just for him to be this obnoxious.

LifeExperience · 14/08/2023 16:11

I'm so sorry, OP, but with their father's attitude spending time with him is not good for them. I would take my children home and not have further contact unless he gets his head on straight and decides to travel to see you and them.

Also, the US will collect child support from him and send it to you, so if you have any problems with support in the future keep that in mind.

WunWun · 14/08/2023 16:11

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 14/08/2023 16:08

I'd be telling him that, in future, all visits to the children will be in your home town, not in the USA. I'd also be making it very clear that it is his fault that this is how things will be in future, because you don't feel comfortable with the children being in his home and being pretty much ignored.
Obviously, when the children are older, they can make their own decision about whether to go to the USA to visit him, but there is no way I'd be facilitating anything just for him to be this obnoxious.

By the sounds of it he doesn't want to see them at all and didn't invite them. He doesn't want to see them in the UK and definitely didn't want to see them there.

Unless I'm missing something it was the OP's idea to take them over there when he didn't ask for it. Putting the kids in the firing line to get hurt.

WunWun · 14/08/2023 16:11

Obviously he's a piece of shirt, but that was obvious before shoving his unwanted kids in his face.

WunWun · 14/08/2023 16:12

*shit

jeaux90 · 14/08/2023 16:13

He's an arsehole and I'd be telling him that. I'd leave and have a nice vacation with the kids elsewhere and explain to the family you are staying with why.

He is emotionally abusing his kids.

I have a dysfunctional relationship with my exs family. I take her to see her aunt who is lovely but the grandmother won't see her own grandchild because I "upset" her son....by changing her surname to mine, a daughter he hasn't seen in or been in contact with for 13 years!

You see these men and sometimes their families are a waste of your time and there is no point trying to broker a relationship with them.

Say your piece, and leave. And honestly I might say it in front of the kids, so they know how his behaviour is wrong and you have their backs.

Coyoacan · 14/08/2023 16:15

Let your children talk to you about their feelings. I know it is hard because you don't want to criticise their father to them, but they really do need to be able to put how they feel into words.

pikkumyy77 · 14/08/2023 16:18

Don’t say anything in front of the children—obviously! But leave and get counseling for the children and for yourself come to terms with his abandonment. It should have been obvious to you that he was abandoning his first children ages ago and you should not have tried to force the relationship back into functioning.

JustMarriedBecca · 14/08/2023 16:26

I wouldn't leave. I'd speak with him and say you will be spending the rest of the break facilitating his children's relationship with the wider family. Just because their fathers an arse, doesn't mean they lose a whole family.
And arrange to do things with them / offer to include the grandparents / aunts / uncles.

I do think potentially the new partner might not be happy about you being with him, and I can maybe see why she wouldn't to play happy families with you too. But that's not your problem, it's hers. And his.

cadink · 14/08/2023 16:30

JustMarriedBecca · 14/08/2023 16:26

I wouldn't leave. I'd speak with him and say you will be spending the rest of the break facilitating his children's relationship with the wider family. Just because their fathers an arse, doesn't mean they lose a whole family.
And arrange to do things with them / offer to include the grandparents / aunts / uncles.

I do think potentially the new partner might not be happy about you being with him, and I can maybe see why she wouldn't to play happy families with you too. But that's not your problem, it's hers. And his.

I think this is really wise, if they have grandparents or aunts/uncles or cousins who'd like to spend time with them let them build a bond and enjoy that - silver lining of him being an arse

ItsNotRocketSalad · 14/08/2023 16:36

Go home and let the children lead future contact; don't suggest it or push for it. It doesn't sound like their useless father will bother, and it's very likely that within a few years your children will decide to stop bothering too.

Cloudsandyoghurts · 14/08/2023 16:37

WunWun · 14/08/2023 16:11

By the sounds of it he doesn't want to see them at all and didn't invite them. He doesn't want to see them in the UK and definitely didn't want to see them there.

Unless I'm missing something it was the OP's idea to take them over there when he didn't ask for it. Putting the kids in the firing line to get hurt.

Show quote history

It says in the OPs first post that the visit was his idea, which makes the while thing worse.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 14/08/2023 16:46

Cloudsandyoghurts · 14/08/2023 16:37

It says in the OPs first post that the visit was his idea, which makes the while thing worse.

Show quote history

It reads the opposite to me: "I therefore decided to visit him for a few weeks in his country so the children can spend some time with him and his family."

Wenfy · 14/08/2023 16:50

I think you should just leave. Priority should be your kids not this deadbeat dad. In the future if he wants to see his children he must come to the UK, don’t faciliate contact for him like this ever again.

Tinkerbyebye · 14/08/2023 16:50

I would stay and interact with the wider family, grandparents etc and then once home keep up that relationship. As to the father I would now leave it in his hands. The kids at 8 will understand, by working on a relationship with the wider family they remain in contact with their fathers family and the door is open for him to return should he want to

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