Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

How would you deal with this? (How ex is treating the children)

77 replies

Setupquestion · 13/08/2023 20:41

I have always had a healthy friendly relationship with ex since we split. That is until he met his current partner. They had a child really quick after they met. Ex lives back in the US but visited regularly as his job enabled this. He now no longer visits the children except for a week for their birthday (twins).

I therefore decided to visit him for a few weeks in his country so the children can spend some time with him and his family. Well that was a mistake because we have been here for 2 weeks now and he has not spent anytime with the children at all. When I walk into a room he walks out and is very short with me, as I said we used to get on well before his new partner and baby. I feel sad for the children because they haven't seen him for 9 months and he is just ignoring them and being short and mean to them in the very little interaction he is having with them. He is making a big fuss of his new baby in their face and walks into a room with new baby, doesn't acknowledge the children and walks out. His partner is loving it. It was his idea for us to visit however he told me his partner is not happy about us visiting but I did not believe for one second that he would bow down to her in regards to the children.

I believe his partner is encouraging him to treat me and the children this way because he was not like this when he used to visit us. I feel so sad for the children, they are only 8 years old and were so excited to see him and now they have been looking really sad and confused at times because they are not used to him treating them this way.

My question is, where do I go from here. Would you visit again? I have been wondering what would be the point since he is mean to them and not spending any time with them. But on the other hand he no longer visits us anymore as his partner doesn't "allow" it.

I have tried talking to him but he is just twisting it and hasn't changed, if anything it has gotten worse.

Please help me try to see what would be best for the children.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 14/08/2023 17:05

I think you should, if you can, find some holiday accommodation for yourselves and try to enjoy the rest of y our trip. When you get home, I would have very little else to do with him myself and leave him to take the lead in managing his relationship with the children, supporting them as required. Although sadly I fear he is not interested any more.

Starlightstarbright2 · 14/08/2023 17:25

Are you staying somewhere you can find some fun .

This is on him… He should be telling partner that these are his children so will spend time with them he isn’t.

I would look at your options . Are they having any pleasure visiting family ( obviously not dad) .

You need to try open ended conversations to help them process what is going on?

Are you able to do any fun activities nearby ?

I would never take my children again .

just remember you haven’t made him the arsole he is and you can’t make him a decent dad.

I would talk to the family say how devestated you are for the children that he is treating them that way .

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/08/2023 17:34

Gymmum82 · 13/08/2023 20:57

Unfortunately his partner does not want your children involved in their life and he has chosen her over them.
Have a wonderful holiday with your children in the states without him and go home and don’t attempt to see or speak to their father again

This. I've walked this mile and she became abusive towards my child. Don't risk it. They are awful awful people and he's an arsehole for allowing this to happen. Get your kids out of that toxic mess as quick as you can. I'm sorry, I know how rough these situations are.

Legoninjago1 · 14/08/2023 17:41

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. He doesn't want to know. Hats off to you OP for making such an effort, at presumably some significant cost to yourself, to try to perpetuate the relationship between your kids and their dad. He doesn't deserve it by the sound of it.

Legoninjago1 · 14/08/2023 17:45

Oh and as the child of a very similar situation, I'd say your children will really appreciate the effort you made - one day if not today.

Datafan55 · 14/08/2023 17:46

As PPs have said, I'd focus on the sympathetic family members if/however you can/if they are open to it. 'Shall we go out and get pancakes with Auntie x? - she is really happy that you are here'. 'Uncle Y wants to take you trampolining to make up for not being able to visit you on your birthday (as we're in another country)'.

They get these relatives and maybe some fun family activities.

Perversely, it might make your lovely ex P see what he's missing out on. And if not, who cares!

Datafan55 · 14/08/2023 17:49

(it's unlikely the relatives will see the kids for a while, so good to give them the time if they want it anyway!)

Twazique · 14/08/2023 17:51

Make sure you get some photos with the family too, then when you talk about the holiday you can remind them of the relatives and some nice times.

TenderDandelions · 14/08/2023 17:54

The poor kids OP - it's so cruel to invite them over and then ignore them.

I'd be making it clear to your ex's extended family how disappointed you are in him too. Hopefully they are in agreement.

For now, as PP have said, are you happy staying with the relatives, or can you find an AirBnB nearby and just turn the remainder of the stay in to a nice holiday? Just get on with doing things and not waiting around for him to turn up and be nice.

Once you're home I'd be tempted to send him an email explaining again how upsetting it has been to watch them being ignored by their own father, especially as he'd arranged the visit. Don't threaten to not go again, but don't promise it either.

I'd take a step back when you're home too. Share information about how they're getting on, maybe on a weekly or two-weekly email, but allow him to lead the conversations otherwise. Chances are, unfortunately, that he will drift away and drop contact.

If you continue sending the updates anyway, at least you can have an open conversation with the DC in the future that you'd tried, but in a child friendly manner you can confirm he is indeed a dick!

Original poster

Setupquestion · 14/08/2023 18:10

Just clear it up for the posters who have asked. It was his idea for us to visit. He would say that we should now start going over there to visit in the school holidays since he "can't" visit the children anymore. After some time I then agreed to visit him and his family in the US for the sake of the children or so I thought.

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/08/2023 18:18

Both your ex and his new partner need to be told that they should be ashamed of the way they are being deliberately cruel to small children, @Setupquestion. But I can understand why you don’t want to rock the boat by saying it.

Dutch1e · 14/08/2023 19:44

I wouldn't leave early, that's just a waste of what could be a lovely trip. But I would get an Airbnb to allow your kids the space to open up to you in their own way and at their own pace.

And as has been suggested, plan lots of daytrips and fun outings just the 3 of you, as well as with the kids extended family.

What I would not do is let my children be forced for one more minute into the role of poor urchin at the window for the glee of those two pricks.

Original poster

Setupquestion · 15/08/2023 17:01

Hi all, just to update and possibly get your thoughts on this as it have left me slightly confused.
I have just been speaking to his mother, she brought the subject up and mentioned how nasty her son is being etc and then she said that his partner does not have a problem with me and the children. She clearly does have a problem and I'm sure that his mother has noticed it so I don't know why she would say that? She was putting it all on her son, I don't understand her reason for this, any ideas? I told her that it is both of them.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 15/08/2023 17:14

Urgh he sounds dreadful. Is his family at least being good with the kids?

Motomum23 · 15/08/2023 17:28

Probably because it's easier to think her son is just being an AH than he is being controlled by his current partner.
Keep lines of communication open with exMIL regardless of your differing views. It doesn't matter if its him or her or both, bottom line is your kids are the ones feeling it and it wouldn't hurt her to give her son a swift kick up the arse.

Excited101 · 15/08/2023 18:02

I would leave op. You are dragging the abuse on if you stay. Whereabouts in the US are you? Have you got the money to go anywhere else before you come home?

I would also sit your children down, and talk to them. They need to be able to vocalise how they are feeling and get reassurance from you. Then yes, therapy when you’re home. This situation has literally meant they need that. How dreadful for all of you- has he ever been like this before?

I’d talk to them like this-

‘I’ve not been happy with how daddy has been treating us, I don’t know why he has been rude and ignoring us but it’s not very nice and I won’t put up with it for any of us. No one deserves to ever be treated like that. I love you both so much, and I want you to be surrounded by people who show they love and respect you just like I do.’

Give them cuddles and reassure them. Answer their questions as honestly as you can. Do your best not to drag him through the mud (for their sake) but make it clear that you never have to put up with being treated like that.

MeridianB · 15/08/2023 18:39

I’d do whatever is best for your sons - ask them if they would prefer to go home, stay with family and do things with them, or stay elsewhere and have a holiday with you.

I hope this horrible man pays maintenance?

Coyoacan · 15/08/2023 18:41

Well your exMIL at law is an unusual woman, most mothers of sons like to blame the wives/partners or girlfriends. But she sounds nice. She must feel like such a failure seeing how her son is behaving.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 15/08/2023 19:01

It's a really sad situation, I can imagine how bewildered and upset you and your DC are. I would leave early, ask your exMIL to keep DC occupied for a few minutes before you leave and tell your EX DP and his partner that their behaviour has probably affected the mental health of your children and they should be ashamed of themselves. ExMIL probably doesn't want to admit that her son is so weak as to appease his partner by shunning his own children. Your ex will regret this holiday very much when the DC are older and don't want much contact.

Ponderingwindow · 15/08/2023 19:04

Your ex mIL is rightfully putting the blame where it belongs, with her son. It doesn’t matter if the new wife isn’t being welcoming or not, what matters is how her son is behaving and the things he is allowing to happen around his children.

Even if the father were great otherwise, if he stood by while his wife was awful to the stepchildren, ultimately he would be at fault and it would make him a bad father overall.

OhmygodDont · 15/08/2023 19:08

I mean it’s very odd for a mil to blame their own child but for once she’s right.

No matter how shitty his gf/wife is, his the one who’s being a dick to his own children.

Aprilx · 16/08/2023 06:29

Setupquestion · 15/08/2023 17:01

I expect her reason for this is because this is what she thinks. She knows the new partner better than you and maybe she can see that this is bit her fault, dare I say it, but maybe she can see more clearly than you can on this point. Good on her I think.

Aprilx · 16/08/2023 06:29

*not her fault

YoBeaches · 16/08/2023 06:33

Yes agree with other pp, he has a choice as to how he treats his children. He's and adult after all.

Whether you feel the partner has something to do with it could also be true, but only he is responsible for his own actions.

Have you left yet? I wouldn't be putting the kids in that environment again.

pikkumyy77 · 17/08/2023 11:49

Doesn’t matter what grandma thinks. She doesn’t control either of them. He is a grown man and makes his own decisions. It’s obviously less expensive for one adult male to travel to see his children than for all three of you to travel to him so he has basically told you without telling you—or without you listening—that he chooses to abandon them. You have to let him abandon them. You can’t soften the blow. They have to learn—the earlier the better-what kind of man their father is. Take them home and begin living life securely as a team that supports each other. They don’t need a reluctant father.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread