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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A friend who steals your other friends

86 replies

Whenseptembercomes · 13/08/2023 20:18

Anyone else got one of these?

One of my friends is super sociable (I’m less so in comparison, but have always had nice friends)

I’ve often introduced her to friends that I know and have known for a while, we then start seeing each other in a group, but then she’ll often arrange to see them on a one on one basis (obviously entitled to do this if she pleases) she almost love bombs new friends, then they start doing everything together.
I’ve noticed it a few times and have to admit it bugs me, not sure why
Anyone else with a friend like this?

OP posts:
Zippyzoppy · 13/08/2023 21:09

Whenseptembercomes · 13/08/2023 20:54

Just trying to work out why she does it

My guess is that your introductions are a short cut to the kind of people/ friends she likes. The mistake she’s making is that she doesn’t see that by excluding you over time, she’s biting the hand that feeds her, and that her new friendships don’t need to be exclusive in the way she pursues them. But some people are quite immature in that way - almost a playground throw back.

Inside, she’s probably quite in awe of the friendships you are able to command.

Typz · 13/08/2023 21:11

No, but once I got love bombed by a new mum friend, let’s call her Cath. We met up 3-4 times a week for 6 months, so fun. Then she suddenly stopped asking to meet and if I suggested it would come reluctantly then leave 40 minutes later. Meanwhile I could see she was love bombing her new mate from the gym Jen. Then Jen got ditched and it was new mate Tara’s turn. Etc.

People be weird.

calmcoco · 13/08/2023 21:16

Whenseptembercomes · 13/08/2023 20:54

Just trying to work out why she does it

Don't waste energy on why.

If you feel something is off, trust your gut. Just quietly dial her down.

Original poster
Whenseptembercomes · 13/08/2023 21:20

@calmcoco I don’t want to lose my other friends though. What should I do? Arrange meet ups just with them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenseptembercomes · 13/08/2023 21:21

I don’t know if she’s bitched about me, but I notice a slight change in them, might be being paranoid though! Something feels a bit off. Dh isn’t keen at all and says he sees through her and I’m too nice, but naive

OP posts:
WeetabixTowels · 13/08/2023 21:22

YABU.

How do you make friends if not be introduced through other people?

user1471453601 · 13/08/2023 21:22

People can only steal those things that you own. As you cannot own people it follows that you cannot steal them.

PuppyMonkey · 13/08/2023 21:27

You’ve been Wendy’d OP.Flowers

JennyForeigner · 13/08/2023 21:43

Wendy is new to me too, but I had this with family. A college friend moved to the city after university, reinvented herself and just dropped everyone who had known her, including me. I moved away so wasn't that fussed.

But the same time she just relentlessly... pursued my siblings and their partners. They are all successful, and must have seemed very urban and glamorous. And looking back, I think she always envied my rock solid family network.

I never said a thing, but when I moved back alone and really needed my family I couldn't see them without her popping up and acting as though I was invading her turf. It was very uncomfortable and to this day I have no idea what she thought was going to happen.

Thankfully eventually even the most obtuse members of my family caught on and she vanished. But I will never forget being Single White Femaled to my own family, and that all she had to do was to treat me with basic courtesy and I'd have been happy enough just to pick up a casual kind of friendship and she could hang out with them as much as she and they liked!

Nissy123 · 13/08/2023 21:46

She is a Wendy and you're being wendied

ImNotReallySpartacus · 13/08/2023 21:48

There is no property in a friend.

Sae123 · 13/08/2023 21:49

This happened to me this week!
I introduced a mum friend to another long term friend with kids and now they meet up with their kids without me. The Mum friend told me about it this week.

Don't have anything to say but it does seem pretty common after I googled it on Friday night after I got told. It's probably an Achilles heel for me as I worry about offending people and try to be inclusive, so was shocked they are meeting up but after thinking about what I know of her / them, I'm less surprised. Does feel a bit like bring at school.

Maybe I am more different to mum friend than I thought (should have gone with my instinct). Maybe you are more different to this friend than you thought.

Sorry, no advice but you've got my empathy.

Original poster
Whenseptembercomes · 13/08/2023 21:58

Yes, I think it’s about that for me too, I’ve always been really careful to try to include everyone in things as would hate people to feel left out of things, it’s just something I’d do.
So me being Wendied (is that the right term, looks weird 😅) will mean what? Will she push me out/bad mouth me to my friend?

OP posts:
Wenfy · 13/08/2023 22:00

People make friends with others to feel better about themselves. That is the bottom line. Instead of trying to figure out why she’s ‘stealing’ your friends - maybe ask why your friends are so willing to be ‘stolen’? How does being friends with you benefit them? Until I figured this out I couldn’t keep a friend to save my life lol

LaDeeDa123 · 13/08/2023 22:02

I know it may seem a bit ridiculous to call it being Wendied but it’s actually very helpful to know it’s a ‘thing’ and to give it a name.

HoratiosPlanningAComeback · 13/08/2023 22:03

My sister has form for doing this.

It’s one of the reasons I’m low contact with her now.

Cowlover89 · 13/08/2023 22:04

Zippyzoppy · 13/08/2023 20:56

Why so possessive?

Show quote history

How's that being possessive Confused just saying some people don't mix friends. Some people just don't gel together.

xXJoy · 13/08/2023 22:05

Wenfy · 13/08/2023 22:00

People make friends with others to feel better about themselves. That is the bottom line. Instead of trying to figure out why she’s ‘stealing’ your friends - maybe ask why your friends are so willing to be ‘stolen’? How does being friends with you benefit them? Until I figured this out I couldn’t keep a friend to save my life lol

What did you conclude? And do you do anything differently now?

DaisyThistle · 13/08/2023 22:06

There's a huge difference between someone who is introduced by you to other friends, gets close to them, sees them socially without you from time to time, but also with you at other times, and someone who gets close to them and then ousts you from the social group. The first is fine. The second is manipulative.

Mummyof287 · 13/08/2023 22:14

Yes! Glad it's not just me who has struggled with this....and it's hard not to be labelled as the jealous and possessive one.I had one friend who was a total leech, added all my friends on FB and sucked up to them when she had barely met them! Safe to say she isn't my friend anymore.

Plantyplantplants · 13/08/2023 22:31

An old “friend” of mine did this. She pinched me off a mutual friend then turned me against my original friend. She friend stealer turned out to be a pretty messed-up, abusive person and no real friend at all. I can’t believe I fell for it and lost my original, lovely, kind, fun friend.

They really need to educate about negative friendships as well as relationships at school. It happens a lot.

Zippyzoppy · 13/08/2023 22:38

Cowlover89 · 13/08/2023 22:04

How's that being possessive Confused just saying some people don't mix friends. Some people just don't gel together.

Show quote history

It’s possessive because you’re deciding whether or not you’re allowing the friends to mix.

How do you know if they will or won’t gel? And if they do or don’t, that’s their choice to make.

WouldYouLikeYourMuffinButtered · 13/08/2023 22:39

Whowahway123 · 13/08/2023 20:18

Wendy!!!

Grow up

WouldYouLikeYourMuffinButtered · 13/08/2023 22:41

Nissy123 · 13/08/2023 21:46

She is a Wendy and you're being wendied

Stop insulting people based on a name

HollyGolightly4 · 13/08/2023 22:41

Yep. To the point where it's been commented on by unconnected friends.

Really upset me when she did it to someone I'd been distancing from (for genuine reasons) and then they become 'besties'.

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