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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let daughter meet dad's partner?

60 replies

rach971 · 13/08/2023 11:00

Okay so some background for context...

Daughter is 8. Me and her dad broke up before I found out I was pregnant. We get along okay, never been any major dramas or anything.

I was single up until just under two years ago when I started dating my partner (who I've known 11 years). I introduced my daughter to him around the 5 month mark and we now have a daughter together.

Daughter's dad wasn't happy about me being in a relationship at first (he'd always clung onto hope maybe one day he'd get me back). But I basically gave him some stern words and then he calmed down a bit. He kicked off a bit again when I wanted to introduce daughter and partner but I said it's been 5 months now and I've known him for years... Partner was also looking into moving down here as he lived a couple of hours away so didn't want him to move and not have met my daughter yet.

Now fast forward to yesterday (daughter is at her dad's for a couple of nights) and he messages me saying he's got a new girlfriend, he's told our daughter, and can they both meet.

Bare in mind they've apparently only been in a relationship since June he said, he's only met her 5 times, I don't know her name, age, who she is, what she does, literally nothing. It was only late last night I actually saw a photo of her and even then the phone was in front of her face 🤦‍♀️ This is the man who had an issue when I wanted my daughter to meet my partner 5 months into the relationship, after knowing him 11 years. And daughters dad knew about him and who he was etc.

AIBU to say no to her meeting our daughter at this stage? I did say no and luckily he hasn't kicked off about it or anything but I'm shocked he even asked at this stage! Or how he even thinks that's reasonable.

OP posts:
Bananasplitlady · 13/08/2023 11:03

YABVVVU. You don't have to like it, but you have no right to try and stop it. What he does with your shared child on his time, as long as it is safe and legal, is up to him.

Sofiaxo · 13/08/2023 11:04

You're not wrong to be cautious

CornishGem1975 · 13/08/2023 11:06

AIBU to say no to her meeting our daughter at this stage? I did say no and luckily he hasn't kicked off about it or anything but I'm shocked he even asked at this stage! Or how he even thinks that's reasonable.

Of course you are being unreasonable. You have no right to dictate what he does on his time. You don't have to like it of course but it's up to him. Unless you have serious safeguarding concerns and you're willing to go to court to stop it then you're going to have to suck it up.

VanCleefArpels · 13/08/2023 11:07

Exceptionally unreasonable. When your shared daughter is with her Dad you don’t get a say in where they go, what they do and who they do it with except in cases where you are concerned for her safety. Neither do you get to “vet” the father’s partner(s) : even if you did know their name, address, occupation, inside leg measurements what are you going to do with that information?

panko · 13/08/2023 11:07

It's up to him.
You don't have to know anything about her. Just trust he's going to want the best for your child like you do.
Perhaps say something like "thats really great you've found someone - maybe start with a meal out with her so DD can adjust to the idea - you know she's a daddy's girl!" Flattery will get you everywhere..

multisurface · 13/08/2023 11:07

You can't stop it I'm afraid.

If he's suitable to have unsupervised contact, you can't control what he does in that time.

Nemesias · 13/08/2023 11:08

Well you did sort of rush into it with your own relationship - just because you’d know him years doesn’t mean your relationship as a couple was properly established. Especially since you said he lived a couple of hours away so your own dating must have been long distance for those first 5 months - how many dates could you really have had? Looks like you introduced her quickly to facilitate his move rather than that being in your DDs best interests.

think you’re being a bit hypocritical here

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 13/08/2023 11:09

It's not your decision.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 13/08/2023 11:09

I don’t see how it’s up to you to decide.

D3LAN3Y · 13/08/2023 11:09

Yanbu to be upset but I'm afraid there is fuck all you can do about it realistically. When your DC is with their dad it's his time. Atleast you did the sensible thing and waited.

liveforsummer · 13/08/2023 11:10

Sorry, you can dislike it but you don't have any control of it I'm afraid

BoohooWoohoo · 13/08/2023 11:10

He's unreasonable to forget how he behaved when it was you but legally Yabu. A judge would say it was totally up to him even if he had started dating her last week. I suspect that he has no clue about his rights hence asking you for permission which you don't really have the right to give.

CandyflossKaren · 13/08/2023 11:10

Its entirely up to him

Not your call at all

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/08/2023 11:15

You are being ridiculous.

Its nice he asked but he can literally introduce his dd to whoever he wants during her time with him. Why are you being awkward? co parenting does not work when you try to dictate shit to the other parent.

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 13/08/2023 11:15

You have no say in who dad introduces your child to when she's with him

Original poster
rach971 · 13/08/2023 11:28

I'm sorry I even asked now 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
D3LAN3Y · 13/08/2023 11:35

rach971 · 13/08/2023 11:28

I'm sorry I even asked now 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It's good you did wait so long though, hopefully it lasts between dad and his new partner so your child has some stability at dad's or the next one will might be introduced quickly too. Hopefully he learns his lesson 😂

panko · 13/08/2023 11:36

D3LAN3Y · 13/08/2023 11:35

It's good you did wait so long though, hopefully it lasts between dad and his new partner so your child has some stability at dad's or the next one will might be introduced quickly too. Hopefully he learns his lesson 😂

Show quote history

Yes I mean your approach is much better OP but there's just nothing you can do about his

liveforsummer · 13/08/2023 11:37

rach971 · 13/08/2023 11:28

I'm sorry I even asked now 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Why? You asked a question and we're given a very definite and resounding answer. Might not have been the one you wanted to hear but presumably still useful?

abigailsnan · 13/08/2023 11:39

I am looking at this from both sides as my son is going to be introducing his new girlfriend to my GD very soon and even though his ex instigated the divorce and my son left the house with just his clothing and nothing else his ex is going to go into meltdown when she finds out about his new relationship it is a case of I don't want him but no one else can have him what chance does he have with moving on with his life,he see's my GD one day a week on the mothers terms which is not enough but he keeps the peace she who must be obeyed comes to mind.

KrisAkabusi · 13/08/2023 11:43

Everyone agrees that waiting until you are certain about a relationship before introducing a new partner to the kids is the sensible way to do things. Unfortunately, you have no right to dictate how anyone else behaves, sensibly or not. So you can't stop your ex from introducing his daughter to anyone at any time. You can say no and he can ignore you.

otherwayup · 13/08/2023 11:44

This reply has been deleted

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AnotherVice · 13/08/2023 11:50

@abigailsnan so your son has 6 child free days a week for his new relationship? Why does he need to introduce Abigail (presumably) so soon?

Original poster
rach971 · 13/08/2023 11:51

liveforsummer · 13/08/2023 11:37

Why? You asked a question and we're given a very definite and resounding answer. Might not have been the one you wanted to hear but presumably still useful?

Show quote history

Haha, I just expected mixed opinions to be honest, not quite such an overwhelming 'you are WRONG' 🤣

Given that ex wasn't happy about me introducing my partner at 5 months and kicked off over it, I was surprised he wanted to introduce his girlfriend so soon.

I just don't see why he can kick off with me when I waited what I thought was a reasonable time yet I can't be cautious over my daughter meeting someone he's met 5 times and I know nothing about. I don't want to know her shoe size and height 🤣 Just some basic details would be nice that was all

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 13/08/2023 11:53

You can want to know, that's normal. But you have no right to know. He's allowed to parent as he wants when your daughter is with him.