AIBU to not let daughter meet dad's partner?

[rach971]

Okay so some background for context...

Daughter is 8. Me and her dad broke up before I found out I was pregnant. We get along okay, never been any major dramas or anything.

I was single up until just under two years ago when I started dating my partner (who I've known 11 years). I introduced my daughter to him around the 5 month mark and we now have a daughter together.

Daughter's dad wasn't happy about me being in a relationship at first (he'd always clung onto hope maybe one day he'd get me back). But I basically gave him some stern words and then he calmed down a bit. He kicked off a bit again when I wanted to introduce daughter and partner but I said it's been 5 months now and I've known him for years... Partner was also looking into moving down here as he lived a couple of hours away so didn't want him to move and not have met my daughter yet.

Now fast forward to yesterday (daughter is at her dad's for a couple of nights) and he messages me saying he's got a new girlfriend, he's told our daughter, and can they both meet.

Bare in mind they've apparently only been in a relationship since June he said, he's only met her 5 times, I don't know her name, age, who she is, what she does, literally nothing. It was only late last night I actually saw a photo of her and even then the phone was in front of her face 🤦‍♀️ This is the man who had an issue when I wanted my daughter to meet my partner 5 months into the relationship, after knowing him 11 years. And daughters dad knew about him and who he was etc.

AIBU to say no to her meeting our daughter at this stage? I did say no and luckily he hasn't kicked off about it or anything but I'm shocked he even asked at this stage! Or how he even thinks that's reasonable.

He was being unreasonable kicking off on you, and you're being unreasonable now. It's neither of your decisions on what each other does.

Thank you? 🤣

He's not behaving exactly like me. I'd known my partner 11 years and dated him 5 months. Maybe it's irrelevant to you how long I'd known him but to me, knowing someone for that long gives you a pretty good idea what they're like. Hence me feeling more comfortable introducing them.

Ex has known his partner since around May, dated her since June and only met her 5 times.

Slightly different situation tbh but I appreciate your opinion...

He can say he likes if he does though then you are both still wrong

He's realised he was unreasonable. If you want to meet her by all means ask if you can all go for a coffee so you can meet her and so DC doesn't feel she can't talk about her around you. But be prepared for a no thanks.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.
After 5 dates he doesn't even know her yet.. it's too soon.
How would he react if you asked to wait another 3 months and that you'd like to meet her beforehand?
When I met my SD for the first time I had a phone conversation with her mum and we met for a coffee. I wouldn't like anyone around my child who didn't have the decency or maturity level to introduce themselves first.
It was the same when my now husbands ex wife met her boyfriend, he called my husband and come by our house for a coffee before meeting my SD.

Well he's asked so I'd reply saying something along the lines of:
"Hi Ex, what you do in your contact time is your choice so I of course cannot stop you from introducing her. However, I would ask you to consider that you voiced concerns at DD meeting my partner of 5 months that I had known for 11 years, while you have known your girlfriend 2 months. If you would not have been comfortable with DD meeting my partner after 2 months then you know the answer as to whether I am comfortable with DD meeting gf at this stage in your relationship."

You're not unreasonable for being annoyed about this but as everyone else has said you cannot do anything about it. Sure you can tell him you aren't happy about it but he's within his rights to do it anyway. The joys of co parenting eh 🤣

I don't know her name, age, who she is, what she does, literally nothing. It was only late last night I actually saw a photo of her and even then the phone was in front of her face

How would any of this information help vet her appropriateness to meet your dd?

He has been seeing her for 2 months, you introduced your dd after 5 months, not really much difference there. I'd find it much more concerning if they were the RP, then moved in together and had a baby all within 18-20 months of the introduction! That is much more for your dd to get her head around than meeting dads new gf.

I feel sorry for your dd with all these new adults and a new sibling coming into her life and home(s) in such a short space of time and hope it all works out for her.

I’d not be happy at all with an 8 year old being introduced to the person my ex was dating (not even girlfriend really) after a short space of time. But I also think that (even with your reasoning) that you introduced your new partner too early. 5 months is nothing, even if you knew him for 11 years previously. I agree with a pp, I feel sorry for your daughter with all this upheaval, but you started it so can’t complain when your ex is doing the same.

I don't think you're wrong OP. It's fine tothink it's too early, it IS too early. It's also fine to tell him your opinion when he asks.

Everyone else is right though when they say he can do what he wants on his time.

Thanks for the further responses and those being a little gentler in their replies 🤣❤️

Also I appreciate a couple of people's concern for my daughter and the upheaval but she's absolutely fine. We previously lived with my parents and since moving here she's so much calmer and better behaved. Her and my partner get on great and she adores her new baby sister (though she doesn't have much patience for the crying sometimes 🤣)m

The 'knowing him for 11 years' is irrelevant

Why don't you simply say, "you were keen that I didn't introduce my DP too early and so we waited 5 months, why don't you do the same?"

Kids are quite matter of fact it’s dads GF but there new mum

He's not behaving exactly like me. I'd known my partner 11 years and dated him 5 months. Maybe it's irrelevant to you how long I'd known him but to me, knowing someone for that long gives you a pretty good idea what they're like. Hence me feeling more comfortable introducing them.

Tbf 5 months for a long distance relationship really is no time too. It is irrelevant that you knew them before as you still didn't know them in a relationship or know that it would last long term or work so well once you were closer and seeing each other more often. I don't see what you did as massively better but it was absolutely your prerogative just as this is now his

He doesn't need your permission like you didn't need his.

I mean you can say "no" if you like but he wouldn't be unreasonable to ignore you and do it anyway on his time if he wanted to. He's an equal parent, who he introduces his child to on his time really is nothing to do with you providing you don't have any genuine safeguarding concerns about his decision making.

Also to clarify just because there's been some mention of it - it was a long distance relationship between me and my partner yes, but he came and stayed down here for one or two nights every week. His job at the time meant he was pretty flexible to be able to do that.

The thing is, you persuaded him to come round to your way of thinking in the first instance, which is why it's unreasonable - he's just continuing down that path. "I knew my partner longer" is just playing Top Trumps with it, and by that standard he'd have to spend a decade getting to know someone before introducing them.

"But he kicked off when I did it..." - that just makes it sound like you want to get revenge for him objecting, which is probably why you got the stronger replies to begin with ;)

You're right that it was unreasonable of him to think that when and who you introduce your daughter to is his remit, as long as there are no obvious safeguarding concenrs. You're wrong to try to exert the same level of involvement and control over him in return, seeing a photograph of her face makes no difference.

It's not necessary for him to ask permission, and you don't get to allow it or disallow it.

I personally feel that five dates/five months are both far too short a period after which to introduce children to mum/dad's new girlfriend/boyfriend, but that again is personal choice.

You sound overinvolved in each other's lives and it might be a good point to put in some healthy boundaries, which work both ways.

I would say you shouldn't be making the decision and leave it to her dad. It's not like your daughter is tiny either which is also a big difference tbh

As annoying as it is you can't control what he does.

You're daughter is also older now so if a more understanding age :)

I'd have argued with my ex had he tried to dictate who my kids could meet and they accidentally met my then new DP 5 weeks in 😂 my youngest (11 at the time was in his car window having a good old chat whilst he was waiting outside to pick me up for a date.

I suppose the fact that he asked you if it was ok kind of justifies why he was annoyed when you introduced your daughter to someone without his approval. He didn't need to ask you. He wanted them to meet and could have just done it anyway but chose to run it by you first. I'm with the majority though, its up to him how he parents when he has her and who he introduces her too.

It's not your decision to make.

I understand 100% how you're feeling, and it's so difficult to deal with. But as others have said, you can't dictate how he parents his child when she's in his care. However much you might want to protect her.

You have to trust your ex if you want a decent co parenting relationship. This isn't your call. And it's not his call to decide things for you either.