AIBU to not let daughter meet dad's partner?

[rach971]

Okay so some background for context...

Daughter is 8. Me and her dad broke up before I found out I was pregnant. We get along okay, never been any major dramas or anything.

I was single up until just under two years ago when I started dating my partner (who I've known 11 years). I introduced my daughter to him around the 5 month mark and we now have a daughter together.

Daughter's dad wasn't happy about me being in a relationship at first (he'd always clung onto hope maybe one day he'd get me back). But I basically gave him some stern words and then he calmed down a bit. He kicked off a bit again when I wanted to introduce daughter and partner but I said it's been 5 months now and I've known him for years... Partner was also looking into moving down here as he lived a couple of hours away so didn't want him to move and not have met my daughter yet.

Now fast forward to yesterday (daughter is at her dad's for a couple of nights) and he messages me saying he's got a new girlfriend, he's told our daughter, and can they both meet.

Bare in mind they've apparently only been in a relationship since June he said, he's only met her 5 times, I don't know her name, age, who she is, what she does, literally nothing. It was only late last night I actually saw a photo of her and even then the phone was in front of her face 🤦‍♀️ This is the man who had an issue when I wanted my daughter to meet my partner 5 months into the relationship, after knowing him 11 years. And daughters dad knew about him and who he was etc.

AIBU to say no to her meeting our daughter at this stage? I did say no and luckily he hasn't kicked off about it or anything but I'm shocked he even asked at this stage! Or how he even thinks that's reasonable.

and the fact that he raised concerns and you ignored him and moved your boyfriend in anyway after 5 months, he probably feels that it is absolutely fine then for him to meet a partner after 2 months (she isn't moving in I presume) I'm actually surprised he even asked you in this scenario

Also no matter how much you think you know a person, you really don't. How many women here are blindsided when their partner cheats as they never thought they would be capable of that.

Honestly, I'd trust a female partner around my child more than I'd ever have trusted a male partner. Men are more prone to violence and predatory behaviour.

It’s up to him who she meets when she is spending time with him. So yes yabu

You may have waited 5 months but then moved him in pretty quickly in my honest opinion that’s worse than her having a brief meet with a girlfriend of 2 months. Let him get on with it

My son works 5 permanent night shifts 8am-8pm including week-end nights little one goes to school full time and mum works 16hrs a week she decided Thursday would be the best day for access so she has childcare after school he has offered to have her more days after school but mum has her signed up for after school activities 3 times a week after school she goes to her other nana on the Monday all decided by mum.
My son does not see his girlfriend more than twice a week she also works shifts does that help with the question. ??He would love to see more of my GD and hopefully he can adjust his work schedule or he could go unemployed and not pay the massive amount he pays to the mum and he certainly does not complain about the amount its a given as far as he is concerned

As much as you might not like the implication, him introducing a new woman into his DD’s life is much less risky than you introducing a man. It just is.

If she’s the sort of woman happy to be introduced to her BF’s child within a few weeks then she’ll hopefully be the type to make an effort and do nice things to build a relationship with her, which can only be a good thing. If it backfires then I’m sure she’ll bail long before your DD gets attached so don’t worry about it.

My DCs met a couple of their dad’s GFs over the years. One was quite serious and they all liked her while she was around but didn’t exactly miss her when she was gone.

My XP was around as a step dad figure for them for nearly 10 years. They loved him and spent lots of time with him, but again, weren’t heart broken when we split up. Kids are resilient, so the emotional impact of a relationship won’t really be an issue. The bigger risk by far is that of an unrelated male living in the home of a young girl, but as you know him well and now have your own DCs with him I’m sure you feel confident that this isn’t an issue.

Well, it's always tricky to generalise, but it's also naive to treat male and female partners the same in these situations as there is a difference with having new male partners moving in with young girls and a reason for more caution about it. Not saying your ex's new girlfriend can't have her drawbacks, but that set-up is generally less risky in people's minds. However it's good that you know your new DP from way back, but at the same time you can't expect him only to go out with people he's only known for a decade and to wait an equivalent time before introducing them. Dad's girlfriend is also less of a big deal than mum's DP who moves a distance to join her then moves in and has a baby with her. So overall I don't see the value in equating your situation with his and it seems like point scoring for no real reason that's good for the DC.

Not your decision. Anyway meeting her doesn't have to mean that it's a particularly long meeting - I actually thing a laid back low key meeting early on is a good idea because if the person you are dating and your child do not get along there's no point that relationship proceeding.

I'm a lone parent working full time and I manage to see my son 7 days a week. Poor excuses from men as usual.

Suppose he has realised that he was being unreasonable when he kicked off about introducing your partner? It’s worked out OK; maybe that’s made him optimistic? And you didn’t change your behaviour when he questioned it, so why should he?