Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Married, no combined bank accounts

77 replies

Winniethepig · 13/08/2023 10:01

I have been married for 8 years, we have two kids. Basically we have the following financial set up:

My account - pay goes in, child care fees goes out, share of mortgage goes out. Then whats left over I can save or spend which isn't much £350

Joint Account: exact expenses go in. Food, mortgage, bills

His account: Pay goes in, his contributes £900 to childcare, the rest I have no clue about.

I asked him last night about combining our finances which he flat out refused he just said if I needed more money, I should ask him for more.

Is this common? I earn more but contribute more.

OP posts:

Original poster

Winniethepig · 13/08/2023 10:03

Edit, I don't earn much more maybe £4000 more

OP posts:

rwalker · 13/08/2023 10:06

Nothing wrong with separate accounts but everything joint should come out of joint account and you both pay in proportionally

Moonberri · 13/08/2023 10:06

There's just been a huge thread on the same issue with a big divergence in responses. My personal view is that when you're married you're a team so having different money to spend is odd. I can't imagine "owing" my husband money or figuring out who is going to pay for what. When we got married we vowed to share everything in life. Separate money goes against that IMO.

Caffeinatedhuman · 13/08/2023 10:07

I've been married for a few years and together with him for 8.

We've never once shared bank accounts but I'm solely responsible for financial decisions as he's terrible with money. I just ask when his wages come in for X amount.

overprepper · 13/08/2023 10:08

Following with interest as we marry soon.
We’re equal earners. I quite like having my own separate spends. Dunno. Is having all your wages in one account difficult in other ways? How do you buy birthday presents for the other?

YukoandHiro · 13/08/2023 10:09

Why isn't childcare coming out of joint? It's a family expense.

After 15 years together, 2 kids 5 years married were finally getting to the point of allocating a joint savings space (all savings have been separate until now)

MangshorJhol · 13/08/2023 10:10

I have been married 15 years, been with my husband for 21. When we started out we had mildly similar salaries (both in US grad schools). Now he outearns me by a lot. Here’s how we manage it:

we contribute an equivalent portion to a joint account from which everything is paid for. This includes childcare because that is a JOINT expense. Not a mother’s expense. It took two to make the baby.
whatever else is left is ours to spend but since DH earns a lot more he puts a sizeable chunk of that into a savings account for the boys and our pension funds so we roughly have the same amount of money at the end of the month.
we also revisit our finances annually when we do taxes and tweak as necessary.

Summerslimtime · 13/08/2023 10:13

No.joint account here, but money is one pot. Spreadsheet of all outgoings and what's left is split in two and that's our own spends. Varies monthly depending on what's going on. He's not your dad handing out pocket money. Surely he can see that this is undignified and completely unfair. It needs to be transparent.

Scottishgirl85 · 13/08/2023 10:14

I don't understand this mindset at all. Just bung it all together! Why does it matter? You're meant to be a team and in the, hopefully unlikely, event of a divorce it all gets divided up anyway, no matter what account it's in.

MangshorJhol · 13/08/2023 10:14

Just to say DH outearns me because he’s a physician and I am a tenured faculty in the humanities. I am pretty much close to the top of my salary range and he’s close to the top of his as a primary care physician but the two just come with different pay scales.
Very fortunately we have no student debt. I was an international student on scholarships and DH got a bunch of scholarships too.

The key is that we both have roughly similar amounts to spend at the end of the month. It’s not a lot but covers treats, birthday presents and frankly if I want to spend more money on a coat than is sensible then that’s my prerogative. As long as our family savings are not impacted by this I want some financial freedom!

Jonti23 · 13/08/2023 10:15

This whole post is nuts. By having kids you do so much more childminding etc and this has an effect on your income earnings etc. Tell him to stop being stupid. He’s probably misinformed, but keeping finances from you does not mean he’ll get to keep any cent more should u split up. It’s 50:50. Unless you’re flying to Maldives all the time you’ll be spending it on kids. He sounds a wanker tbh.

Ohthatsabitshit · 13/08/2023 10:16

We’ve been married nearly 30 years and never had a joint account. We have our own accounts and pay the same amount into an account in my name for mortgage/household bills. We don’t really have enough money for joint accounts as you need a fair bit of disposable income to cover both withdrawing money for something at the same time or to check with each other/the bank all the time which would drive me potty.

Jonti23 · 13/08/2023 10:16

Oh and stop Pussy footing around this man child. Tell him it makes no sense whatsoever and if he thinks it does to come up with reasons. Because to you it makes no sense at all.

Howmuchfurther · 13/08/2023 10:20

Sounds like he isn’t committed. If you earn more, just split the costs 50:50. You will then be at least as able to save as he is.

Could he have recently had a massive pay rise, or family contribution that he doesn’t want you to know about? Or an undisclosed baby/gambling habit/porn habit/ex that he is concealing?

DH being secretive gives you the info that he has something he doesn’t trust you with.

HAF1119 · 13/08/2023 10:22

We don't do joint accounts but we earn the same other than I get an annual bonus - that goes towards family hols/mortgage (joint) overpayments etc. We pay equally into household stuff and the money we have each leftover we both just let each other get on with it. I'm more a saver and put some of mine by which suits me. I don't think either of us would really want to put it all in a joint as I'd want to not spend too much and he'd want to spend freely. So it suits us

Milkand2sugarsplease · 13/08/2023 10:25

You need to calculate how much your joint expenses are, including childcare and split them. Possibly equally, possibly as a percentage based on earnings - whichever you BOTH can agree is right.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 13/08/2023 10:26

DH and I have been married for nearly five years and we don't have any joint accounts. We pay proportionally towards bills and into savings (we both have individual savings accounts) - the rest is ours to spend as we wish.

We don't have children though which makes things easier.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 13/08/2023 10:26

You both pay proportionally into the joint account. ALL expenses come out from that including childcare, children's clothing, children's trips/soft play etc. Pay slightly more than is usually necessary so there is a buffer for an unexpected bills such as boiler or car repairs. Stopmwith this I pay that, he pays this. It never works in the woman's favour.

panko · 13/08/2023 10:27

I urge you both to start a joint savings account. If one of you ends up in a coma the other will need access to it.

Tinkerbyebye · 13/08/2023 10:28

I would have all joint expenses, including childcare from the joint account t, funds to cover split proportionally so you would pay slightly more. Then I would have a set amount from each of you into joint savings, the rest is yours

Hbh17 · 13/08/2023 10:30

I have been married for over 30 years. We have never had a joint bank account, at my request. We each know who is responsible for paying which expenses, so we rarely need to discuss money. My husband earns more, so tends to pay for the "big ticket" things. It works, and it preserves our independence. It also means we can spend on ourselves without the need to consult the other one.

TheFlis12345 · 13/08/2023 10:33

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 13/08/2023 10:26

We don't have children though which makes things easier.

DH and I are very similar, same set up of 5 year marriage, no kids. We have a joint account which we both transfer the same amount into each month and the mortgage and bills go out of that. Savings and what we have left in our own accounts are separate.

My salary is about £10k more than DH so I overpay the mortgage each month and also have a couple of joint bills that come directly out of my account which even it out.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 13/08/2023 10:34

Scottishgirl85 · 13/08/2023 10:14

Because there are lots of stories of men who have emptied the joint account and left the woman with absolutely no access to any money. It only takes a second.

Always, always have your own account and your own savings that nobody else has access to. It's vital.

BodenCardiganNot · 13/08/2023 10:35

I can't understand people who share children but won't share money (barring situations where one of them is shit with money or has an addiction etc).

Soontobe60 · 13/08/2023 10:35

Sit down with him and a household budget app. Fill it in together - include absolutely everything that’s a joint expense! Then split it either 50/50 or in direct proportion to each other’s income. Each person’s share goes into the joint account and ALL family spending comes from this account. Don’t forget to add savings contributions from the joint account.

alternatively, what we have always done is to put both salaries into a joint account and then each person gets a set amount into our own account. All savings are joint accounts and separate ISAs, same amount going into each. I earned 2x my DH before I retired. Now we earn the same.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread