Married, no combined bank accounts

[Winniethepig]

I have been married for 8 years, we have two kids. Basically we have the following financial set up:

My account - pay goes in, child care fees goes out, share of mortgage goes out. Then whats left over I can save or spend which isn't much £350

Joint Account: exact expenses go in. Food, mortgage, bills

His account: Pay goes in, his contributes £900 to childcare, the rest I have no clue about.

I asked him last night about combining our finances which he flat out refused he just said if I needed more money, I should ask him for more.

Is this common? I earn more but contribute more.

I don't understand why people wouldn't have a joint account for bills, mortgage, childcare, etc and then separate ones for savings. At least then you know that the rent is being paid unlike in the thread from the other day where someone has found out that their partner didn't pay the rent for the last 2 months.

We have exactly the same setup as the OP. I pay proportionally more into the joint account as the higher earner. Our savings habits are very different so I wouldn’t want to combine everything in one account.

All our earnings go into our joint account and then we get our sole spending money from that.

However I do put money every month into share save and - after a number of extravagant car purchases from DH - I see that as my money to bolster my work pensions so I can afford to retire at 60.

DH puts a large monthly amount into his personal pension.

Ultimately will all be joint when we retire, but I have a much more cautious attitude to investment and I want some of our money to be in safe things like Isas.

We had separate finances a little while after we got married but decided to combine our earnings when we needed to pay off some debts and save for our next home. It's worked for us as we are savers rather than spenders. Also we've had periods when he's been the breadwinner or I have so it made sense to have it all go into one pot, we discuss big expenses and plan accordingly. We have our own equal spends sent to own accounts which works well for us. Everything else is joint income and expenditure. We've been married for 18yrs so it must work.

I don’t think that accounts need to be joint; dh and I have been together 35 years and don’t have a joint account, but all of our finances are fully transparent: he knows what accounts I have and I know what he has and all financial decisions are taken together.

We’ve just done that after 25 years of completely separate accounts. The rule is that it must contain enough money for a funeral at all times. It’s still our only “shared” money.

It's simple - justified trust. We don't know or care what the other is spending their money on, because we both know that neither will jeopardise the other.

What I don't understand is why people get married if they don't have that, which seems to be the case for a large number of posters on here, because that seems plain daft.

Which isn't to say, of course, that you shouldn't have joint accounts - but I'd hope it'd be a matter of practicality rather than not trusting that bills would be paid.

But there are other ways of making sure the rent is paid on time without having a joint account.

Is he contributing to childcare costs?

If not why not?

Why don't you know how much he has after bills?

18 years together. 1DD, 2 adult DDSs.

I earn 20k more. I'm 11 years younger.

Shared account where we put in money for bills and mortgage.

Own accounts to do what we want with. I pay for main shop and holidays.

Works well. I don't want fully joint finances. We tend to buy what we want with our own money.

As long as it's fair and open while you are married I think it's fine although it's not my choice; if you get divorced then you will quickly find that in law everything is a marital asset - jointly owned - and up for sharing.

Same here, but married for longer. It works for us.

None of our accounts are joint we just contribute equal share into a designated current account where all the bills and food come out of - what’s left we have to spend as we wish.

Totally agree. We are the same kids,bills,holidays etc all out of our joint and no issues.

I suppose we may be bit unusual in that we don’t have any formal arrangement for divvying up the bills. I moved into my husband’s house when we got married and he kept on paying the bills as he had before. Over time, I have taken some over and I pay for food and fuel. Irregular bills tend to get paid by whoever opens the envelope. Holidays by who does the booking etc.

We did open a joint account when we got married, but then never used it.

I don’t quite understand why you think/know he has more left than you? If you earn approximately the same, and pay the same share of mortgage/bills into the joint account?

My account - pay goes in, child care fees goes out, share of mortgage goes out. Then whats left over I can save or spend which isn't much £350
So, majority of your wage except £350 goes to mortgage, childcare and bills. Sounds reasonable to me?

Joint Account: exact expenses go in. Food, mortgage, bills
The ‘exact expenses’ in isn’t a problem if he contributes 50% of them. Does he?

His account: Pay goes in, his contributes £900 to childcare, the rest I have no clue about.
He presumably contributes to the joint account? And is £900 50% of the childcare bill?

He’s said if ‘you’ need more money to ask - so why don’t you both sit down and look at how much life with 2 kids costs (clothes, activities, emergency savings, Christmas, birthdays, holidays, days out etc) and then figure out if you both need to put more into the joint account?

When someone who has a joint account dies, the contents of that account is automatically transferred to the other named account holder. If they have separate accounts, are not married and gave no Will, then it gets complicated.

I agree, and it means that all the household bills, standing orders, direct debits, etc., continue to be paid. If they were paid by a sole account and that person dies, the surviving partner would have to set up new standing orders/direct debits etc from their own account which is a massive pain in the neck, especially at a time when there's so much going on. Just so much simpler to have it all going out of a joint account so it all continues seemlessly.

The 350 is whats left for me, getting clothes for the kids, organising activities, no extra money for me to go out and meet any one for a coffee of a drink. Also out of that comes out petrol, having a cleaner come in once a month because I work full time. Basically, I eat into my savings.

And no none of it is 50%, its more for me because I earn slightly more. I am so broken now by this.

Get him to pay 50% of absolutely everything, including kids stuff. Ask him to increase his contribution, including for the cleaner!

We pay into a joint account proportional to our incomes, and everything joint comes from here. I’m a bit confused because you mention needing more more money but also that you earn more than DH? It’s fair you contribute more if you earn more, but he should get to keep whatever is left from his income. I think you need to sit down and have a full breakdown of income and expenses, and see where you can cut back and combine so it’s more fair.

you Shouldn’t be paying for children clothes or a cleaner yourself either, those are shared costs

I think there is no right way to do money as a couple, as everyone is different. but it is important to be open and honest and know what the other one is earning/spending.
We've been together 25 years, have always had separate accounts. We both pay into one billing account and separate savings accounts. Leaving an equalish amount of money for fun stuff in our own accounts. The savings accounts are in our different names but we consider it all family money. We always consult each other before any major purchases or financial decisions.

Add all costs together. Everything. Bills, petrol, childcare, food, cleaner, childrens clothes.

Divide total in half.

He should be paying this amount. You both put this in a joint account every month.

Keep the rest for your personal spending.

£4k a year more isn't much if you're both on high wages. If you're on low wages it's more important. Its the percentage that mamatters. It may be that you should pay 55% / 45%.