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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Married, no combined bank accounts

77 replies

Winniethepig · 13/08/2023 10:01

I have been married for 8 years, we have two kids. Basically we have the following financial set up:

My account - pay goes in, child care fees goes out, share of mortgage goes out. Then whats left over I can save or spend which isn't much £350

Joint Account: exact expenses go in. Food, mortgage, bills

His account: Pay goes in, his contributes £900 to childcare, the rest I have no clue about.

I asked him last night about combining our finances which he flat out refused he just said if I needed more money, I should ask him for more.

Is this common? I earn more but contribute more.

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 13/08/2023 10:36

I agree with those saying that it doesn't matter about combining finances. I can't believe he has got away with not contributing a proportional amount towards living costs for so long. Did he pay nothing prior to having childcare fees to pay? I would be getting him to pay 50/50 at this point to make up some of the deficit from years of you overpaying.

Soontobe60 · 13/08/2023 10:37

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 13/08/2023 10:34

Because there are lots of stories of men who have emptied the joint account and left the woman with absolutely no access to any money. It only takes a second.

Always, always have your own account and your own savings that nobody else has access to. It's vital.

If the joint account only holds enough to cover monthly expenses, and all savings accounts are in both names with joint signatures, this avoids the possibility of either person running off with all the dosh!

panko · 13/08/2023 10:39

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 13/08/2023 10:34

Because there are lots of stories of men who have emptied the joint account and left the woman with absolutely no access to any money. It only takes a second.

Always, always have your own account and your own savings that nobody else has access to. It's vital.

Yes but likewise joint savings are critical in case one of you dies

Q2C4 · 13/08/2023 10:42

Scottishgirl85 · 13/08/2023 10:14

I don't understand this mindset at all. Just bung it all together! Why does it matter? You're meant to be a team and in the, hopefully unlikely, event of a divorce it all gets divided up anyway, no matter what account it's in.

How do you feel comfortable spending any money on yourself if you know it's not your money? Do you clear all personal expenses with your other half first?

Totaly · 13/08/2023 10:44

I can't understand people who share children but won't share money

Easy, becAuse we don’t want to.

I have always been independent and I want access to my own money - I don’t have to explain where it goes.

ntmdino · 13/08/2023 10:47

Together for 24 years and married for 23, and we've never had a joint account - not my choice either, even though I earn significantly more. Basically, I had a gambling problem in the early days, and it was simply a matter of pragmatism - it was never a contentious subject, because I knew I couldn't be trusted with all the bills coming out of my account.

Nowadays, I have the mortgage, insurance, phones and broadband coming out of my account (as well as a couple of other things), and my other half takes care of the other bills (with a hefty contribution from myself).

I earn more, so I pay for more stuff in the house when we're out and about, but I also have more disposable income (and, equally, more expensive hobbies)...and OH always insists that it be that way - "You work harder, you should enjoy it". It's always seemed a bit odd to me, but it appears to work - in the whole time we've been together we've never argued about money, and we don't know any other couples in our social groups who can (truthfully) say that.

caringcarer · 13/08/2023 10:49

DH and I eat. Similar amounts. We both have salaries paid into our personal bank accounts. We both pay a set amount into a joint account every month and all bills are paid from there. If we earned different amounts we'd pay in proportion. From my personal accounts I pay hairdresser, dentist, charity donation, gifts for DH, lunches out with friends/sisters. If I want to treat a friend or one of my sisters I do and I don't mention it to DH as it's not coming from his money. Some gifts like for DC or family birthday and Xmas gifts come from our joint account as they are given as a joint gift from us both. DH tends to spend his personal money on tools (boy toys) because he likes them. I think I save a bit more than him too.

Jo586 · 13/08/2023 10:50

Having done both separate bank accounts works far better. That way the wife can buy as many dresses as she wants and I can buy as many toys as I want. We just share household bills , food, holidays etc . Tried joint accounts in a previous marriage and it was a nightmare worrying about whether I had enough and checking balances etc.
Now we can have whatever we want without worry or trying to convince each other that her Conran dress is more important this month than my new speakers.

Everydayimhuffling · 13/08/2023 10:50

We have a joint account which all house, children etc expenses come out of. We also have personal accounts and personal savings (same amount in each, roughly). We used to contribute proportionally but currently DP massively out-earns me so he essentially subsidises my personal money so that is similar.

I think it's very important to have personal accounts for safety, and also that a joint account helps keep things fair without loads of extra admin.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 13/08/2023 10:50

panko · 13/08/2023 10:39

Yes but likewise joint savings are critical in case one of you dies

I'd rather have savings in my own name than in any kind of joint account. I've heard of banks putting a hold on joint accounts when one person dies.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 13/08/2023 10:51

Soontobe60 · 13/08/2023 10:37

If the joint account only holds enough to cover monthly expenses, and all savings accounts are in both names with joint signatures, this avoids the possibility of either person running off with all the dosh!

I would still much rather have my own savings account that nobody else has any access to.

I don't see why DH needs full access to my money, or why I need full access to his.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 13/08/2023 10:56

Who pays for the DC things that aren't bills OP? Clothes, shoes, school trips if applicable, anything you might to do to entertain them, presents if they're of an age to go to friends parties.

CornishGem1975 · 13/08/2023 10:57

WI am married but we don't have a joint account. DH pays me a lump sum each month to cover mortgage and bills etc and everything else we kind of just split. I'm better at saving than my DH so I like to keep all that separate, and having been previously divorced, nobody has access to those savings other than me. What he does with his spare cash is up to him. It's not about not sharing money, we've just never seen the need to combine. We're both flex with money. If DH needs something and he's short that month, then I'll pay for it (car repairs etc) and he'd do the same for me.

ntmdino · 13/08/2023 11:05

CornishGem1975 · 13/08/2023 10:57

WI am married but we don't have a joint account. DH pays me a lump sum each month to cover mortgage and bills etc and everything else we kind of just split. I'm better at saving than my DH so I like to keep all that separate, and having been previously divorced, nobody has access to those savings other than me. What he does with his spare cash is up to him. It's not about not sharing money, we've just never seen the need to combine. We're both flex with money. If DH needs something and he's short that month, then I'll pay for it (car repairs etc) and he'd do the same for me.

Exactly - the vociferous joint-account everything-shared-equally proponents on here (not necessarily on this thread) seem to imagine that keeping finances separate means hoarding and jealously guarding your pile of cash. In my experience, that's the exact opposite of what happens in any functional relationship - whatever the other needs they get if it's practical, and priorities will be aligned enough that there's rarely any massive disagreement about it.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 13/08/2023 11:09

I'm going to go against the grain and say there is nothing wrong with your set up but you do need to sit down and talk about who pays for what and how much.

No doubt a whole load of holier than thou posters will tell you that unless you have completely joint accounts you don't have a proper marriage and it's not based on trust and doomed to failure. Rubbish!

We have entirely separate finances. No joint accounts even for bills. Instead we communicate with each other. I pay some of the bills, he pays some of the bills. If costs change one of us will take over or contribute to one of the bills. Of course it isn't exactly equal - we don't divide bills in half or anything. It's a case of he pays the gas/electric/water as that's around £200 a month and I pay the council tax as that's about the same.

I am also the higher earner in our marriage. I would suggest you sit down with DH and go through a list of all your bills and costs and discuss whether the current who-pays-what setup needs tweaking.

Blottingpaperscript · 13/08/2023 11:18

Married a similar length of time to you with no combined accounts. However we know exactly what's in each others accounts and all money is treated as joint. We have a monthly review of all finances together and make a joint plan for the month ahead. All spending is pre agreed and we make sure it's equal (even though earnings are not).

Zipps · 13/08/2023 11:30

We have a mixture of joint and individual savings and investments.
Joint- home, rentals, current account for bills and food, savings account for holidays, emergency fund.
Individual - pensions, Isa's, premium bonds, current account.

ShinyBandana · 13/08/2023 11:33

We’ve alternated as the higher earner throughout our relationship and subsequent marriage and always had a joint account and personal accounts. Salaries get paid to personal accounts and we withhold £200/month each in personal account (about to increase to £300 as I’ve got a new job). All bills and daily spending plus savings come out of joint account plus our clothes& clothes for DC. I deal with all the accounts and savings as DH has zero-interest in money or possessing stuff.

our personal accounts are used for buying each other gifts and for big events with friends like weekends away. Everything else just comes out of the joint account. I keep a ‘float’ of about £2k in it so we don’t have to worry about going into overdraft.

I think our salary levels and also general outlook enable this approach - if we were managing to the last tenner then this might not work as well. Or if one of us had expensive tastes or debts.

ConcernedCatmother · 13/08/2023 11:34

My husband & I have separate accounts only. He pays all the mortgage and bills and I go shopping on John Lewis to make the house look nice 😁 Perfect set up for us.

I don’t get the whole joint account thing personally, I often buy things online for myself that I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing if it was our “joint” money. Also for buying each other suprise gifts….how does that work if it’s joint money?

CleptoCleoCookoo · 13/08/2023 11:38

The problem here is nothing to do with practical issues around having a joint account, that's a distraction op.

Your real problem is that you don't have a clear, transparent view of family expenses which are divided fairly. (Note fairly depends on the couple.. could be 50/50 or a proportional percent or something.)

Why on earth is childcare coming from your account?

That's a big red flag.

Just have ALL of your family expenses coming from a single joint account, or at least written down and shared fairly.. but it needs a discussion on

A) what's a family expense Vs personal expense

B) how to split it , when totalled , fairly

C) how to practically set it up

You're focusing on (c) without having done a& b. Possibly because it suits him and you haven't got the chance to step back and see that's the odd point out?

It doesn't matter how others set up (c) as most of the time a proper, adult, evidence based number/approach has been done on a & b first. You're long overdue it.

Badbadbunny · 13/08/2023 11:40

Ever since our first holiday, we've had "joint" monies. At first it was a third wallet/purse which we used to buy meals, attraction entries, etc - basically anything we did together that was roughly equal cost. We used our own wallets/purses for "unequal" things like souvenirs etc. When dating and going out for meals, etc., we'd always go halves.

So when we got married and bought a house, it was virtually automatic, that everything we equally benefitted from was paid from joint monies, so we set up a joint bank account, got joint credit cards, etc. That gave full transparency as to what was going out of the account for all household costs, cars, childcare, presents, food, clothes, etc. etc.

We each have our own personal accounts and personal credit cards, so we also have our "own" money, but it's minimal, just for occasional/gifts for eachother, etc., As our wages went in, the majority was transferred to the joint account.

All that's worked well for our 30 years of marriage. No secrets at all, we both have access to each other's finances, simply because all bank statements, payslips, bills, etc are kept in a big lever arch file, so we can see how much each other was earning, etc.

Right from early dating, I made it clear that honesty and transparency with money was a deal-breaker, and by setting the scene so early on, we've had no problems. Start as you mean to go on and you have less chance of being screwed over later!

isthewashingdryyet · 13/08/2023 11:41

It really doesn’t matter if you have a joint account or not, other than to my mind it makes it easier as a single place for all joint expenses to come out of.

What is more important is that you each contribute in a fair way, either 50:50:or proportionally to all the joint expenses.

you then need to be able to buy personal items without the other person getting annoyed at how much is spent on coffee with friends or a new coat or a hobby. For some this can come out of the joint account, for others a personal account.
what is not fair is one person have ££££££ l personal money and the other person only £.

we have a joint account for bills and joint expenses, and keep and equal amount for personal spends.
Savings are in each persons name as you can’t have joint ISAs but we each hold equal amounts.

and over a long marriage we have each been the bigger earner and the smaller earner. It evens out.

autienotnaughti · 13/08/2023 11:41

We have our earnings go into our own accounts and then we pay into a joint account for all bills. We pay a pro rata amount depending on earnings so if dh earns 2k and I earn 3k and the bills are 4k we would wave have £500 left. I struggle to understand why anyone in a long term relationship especially with children would want their partner to have a lesser lifestyle than them.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2023 11:42

It's really unclear how much each person is spending.

Childcare comes out of your account but he pays you £900. How much is the total?

Your share of the mortgage is how much compared to what size mortgage?

Who's paying for all the other bills and how much are they?

You don't need a shared account, you do need equity of expenses.

If you're paying evenly, and you have £350 a month left over just for fun money and savings, he'll have £100 so I'd argue you should be paying slightly more..

Netcam · 13/08/2023 11:49

We have a mix.

Joint accounts for all joint things - house, vehicles, food, bills, holidays, joint savings.

We both contribute to the joint accounts, but DH contributes a lot more than me as he earns a lot more. We contribute according to what we have worked out together is needed and review it if costs change.

Then whatever we have left is kept in our individual accounts. But we are open and honest with each other about how much this is and what we generally do with it. However, we are free to spend this as we choose without having to discuss it.

Mine goes mainly on my 2 teens (not his) and a bit left for me, I don't save anything myself, but that is fair as we do have joint savings.

DH pays for the dog (was his before we met), uses a bit for himself and saves the rest into SIPP/ISA for retirement.

I think this works for us as we discussed it and agreed something we were both happy with. It means all joint financial responsibilities are met with contributions according to income, but we each have some financial independence.

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