Why do so many mums bang on about their parenting styles?

[hungrycrocodile23]

This is a thing I've noticed a lot lately. It's not just the stealth boasting about holidays and days out anymore, it's actual monologues about parenting styles.

I have a few people on my socials who do it. Just this week I've seen someone put up a long winded post about car seats and why rear facing are so important and why her son won't be forward facing until he's 11 and how she 'can't believe other parents allow it'.

Another one who is into gentle parenting and constantly posting about the benefits of contact naps and allowing kids the freedom to express themselves. Often closeted digs at those who do things differently.

I even saw someone write a FB post about Santa and how her daughter would not be taught to believe that she had to be good in order to get presents because she is free to express herself how she wants to and will be rewarded regardless. That one created a bit of a debate.

I suppose you could argue that the car seat stuff and things like breastfeeding posts are raising awareness but honestly...it just seems like everyone wants everyone else to know just how much of a superior parent they are these days.

Yes, I know the option to unfollow is there but these are otherwise nice people. I just don't understand the constant need to wax lyrical about your own parenting styles and values. We all parent our own way, why does anyone else need to know about it?

I'm strongly in the rear facing brigade however I don't make goady posts on social media or even talk about it really

What. The. Actual. Fuck??

Do not worry about navel gazing wankers on social media is my top tip for you.

I think people that follow a parenting style are not confident, I make my own mistakes. I know DH Mother used that Benjamin Spock book and Gina Ford was in fashion when I had DS. I remember my SIL gave me a parenting book. I didn’t read a page.

It’s like this baby lead weaning malarkey, I fed DS from a spoon and also put food on his high chair table, like you would feed a chicken with feed and the little sod smeared it everywhere whilst eating some. Was some of that baby led weaning? I bet our ancestors who had to wash everything by hand and really did cook everything from scratch didn’t have the time for all this chuffing nonsense,

This ridiculous competitive parenting “styles” being paraded and debated on social media (btw Mumsnet is also social media)
has been going on for years. My eldest is 12 and neither the conversations nor the evangelical boasting have moved on much since he was born.
so much of what works for individual parents is down to luck or accident. If you’re caring about your kids and doing your best then that is enough and ignore the rest.

Well it is odd preaching about this or that as if they've found the holy grail of parenting and need to spread the word - how did any child make it before!
And I was 5' 8" at 11 so that would have been amusing!

The RF until 11 comment was tongue in cheek, sorry for confusion, but her son is 5 and still RF and yeah I don't get how that works. Where do the legs go?

It's totally fine to have your beliefs and preferences as a parent. I actually think it's ok to try and raise awareness on certain things too....if that's your actual goal, to raise awareness. I have a friend who posts a lot of photos of her breastfeeding and I kind of get her reasons - normalise it, show others that it's ok to do it in public, whatever.

But I don't need to know your justifications on Santa. Or your bedtime routine. Or why contact napping is sooooo precious. Some of this is just blatant bragging and trying to convince others that they have got the best approach to parenting and are some kind of expert.

I mean their legs just bend, they don't 'go' anywhere. We just switched DD FF at 4.5 and she's been complaining that her legs are dangling as she's been used to sitting with them crossed and resting on back of seat!

But I think people post about what they are passionate about and when people are in the thick of parenting young kids then they often find something there to be passionate about and it can consume their interests for a times

It's like when someone suddenly discovers running and then every day it's posts of running routes or best times or whatever. I don't care about it so I just stroll past. Inevitably they stop running at some point or realise that they've been a bit OTT about it and it all stops.

Could someone clarify on the rear facing thing? Our 17m old hates it and cries until he throws up every time. It gets to a point where honestly I’d rather have him happy and dead than hysterical and covered in vomit every time we travel. Judge me as you see fit though. He’s quite big for his age so it’s very cramped. He’s 86cm and 30 lbs but I’m not sure that makes a difference? Is this even legal I’m just so confused at this point

There's a mum at school who tells me every day about how she read about sleep training for autistic children and how marvellous it is and how much less tired she feels. She'd be less tired if her useless partner did some parenting. She always gives me a run down of her day and night as though she has to justify everything she does and any time she spends on herself. It's very sad and I suspect her partner is an utter shit to her. I object to the autism stuff because I'm autistic as are my dc but she says I don't look autistic and it's all about how little Bobby has to be pandered to and gently parented. Little Bobby needs parenting before he ends up an absolute terror in his teens because she's too afraid to say no to him. I've got 3 children from 8 to 16 and don't need her parenting advice when she has a slightly younger child and I've been through those stages already. She's full of ideas about how to fix my very damaged by her dad 16 year old too as though I hadn't thought about them. Needless to say I've distanced myself. Our dc will be in separate areas of the school this coming academic year so I won't have to endure the repeated advice and conversations. I think it's PFB syndrome and she means no harm but I can't deal with it.

Have you tried him in front passenger seat with air bags off? It might help if he can see you. Do you know it's the RF that upsets him or just being in a car seat full stop? As the latter is quite common generally.

But yes it's legal to FF him at this point and up to you.

@Goingsomewhere oh I read that as hyperbole for comic effect... batshit if it's true

This is one where you need to do your own research (from reputable sources). RFing will be safer in a collision, but the chances of being in a serious enough collision for that to matter are reasonably slim. So you need to weigh up the nightmare scenario Vs the day to day unhappy vomiting child. We chose FFing but you might not and that's fine.

Parenting has loads of these judgement calls - our latest is a child diagnosed with a peanut allergy and deciding whether to let her have products that say "may contain...". Obviously we spoke with her specialist but ultimately the decision was on us, and another family with the same allergy and the same info from the doctor may have made a different decision as it was right for them.

None of these big decisions can be easily summed up in a meme or slogan to be posted and reposted on FB. Life is more nuanced than that.

I revel in being the shit parent. Anyone being prescriptive annoys me. We are all just winging it as far as I am concerned.

rear facing is an excellent idea unless you have a child like mi e who screamed until they were sick on every car journey until they forward faced.

I would argue that in that case the driver and baby are more at risk with the child being rear facing because the parent is distracted and stressed and the child is at risk of choking on vomit.

So while I agree in principle I can’t bear those that are evangelical about it.

Rear facing is fine is that’s what you want to do - we didn’t. Informed choice - same informed choice as we decided to formula feed, full time nursery from six months and wean using jars and pouches.
Unfortunately some mothers (always seems to be mothers) feel that they know better and try and force that their decisions is the only right one.

There's the other trendy side too of basically it's ok to not give a shit.

Why do so many mums bang on about their parenting styles?

Ego. Crave to be seen and heard. Desperate to be important. No voice anywhere else so hook onto something that in their mind, elevates their status and validates them. Delusion.

Any/all of the above.

Boring shit. I bet they're swerved in real life. The only time I understand going on & on about this kind of thing is if they're getting paid for it. At least then there's an excuse

Because any old person can be a ‘mumfluencer’ and get the attention and recognition they failed to achieve in other areas.

I would say it started 15+ years ago when mummy blogging was at its peak. Women would write in their bios that they were a “breastfeeding, attachment-parenting, baby wearing, cloth bumming, rear facing mama!”

Seriously, they did! All these things being a list of absolute musts that had to be carried out if you wanted a place at the table with all the best, most well-informed and well researched mothers.

Why? Ego, I think. Ego and a desperate need for validation that they weren’t just doing it right, they were the best mothers they could possibly be.

I except their kids are exceptionally average teens now.

Where I live there is a TV series where they pit parents with different parenting styles against each other to see who has the best approach. DH and I decided that if we were to go the show, we'd describe our parenting style as 'just trying to get through the day'. Pretty sure lots of parents could relate!

Only on here. I don’t talk about my parenting choices with family since one of them said my dd’s asd was a punishment from god for doing ivf.

I’ve just remembered this poisonous blog that I absolutely loathed when my first baby was small. The banner isn’t being ironic. The owner really was the most judgemental, poisonous harridan.

The halo, the beatific expression, the breastfeeding, the cloth nappies blowing around in the breeze outside… this was a really aspirational image and for a lot of women, still is.

I forgot the sling too! The sling! 🤣

Someone I know posted up about her parenting style the other day. She has one 1yo. Rightyho love, come back and tell me how "you never say no or lose your calm" when you've got a 3yo booting off in the middle of Asda while your newborn is mid pooplosion and you desperately need a wee. Please let me know how that goes.