To be upset by DH comment?

Babysharkdodo123 · 2023-08-12T17:53:57+00:00

Coming home after a day out with DH, DD (20 months) and DD (10 weeks, who is EBF - relevant as BFing = hungry mamma). Haven't eaten since 11am and been walking around all day (also recovering from CS). I was eating some crisps in car at 4.30pm and DH says "I'm not fat shaming you but before you eat all of them, don't because you'll ruin your dinner". For ref, we eat at the moment around 8pm once older DD is in bed. Comment came totally out of blue and he's never said anything like that before. I probably took it more to heart because I'm currently carrying 2 stone of excess baby weight and can't exercise until 12 weeks PP which I'm feeling very fed up and down about. This is something DH knows as I said to him a few days ago that my body image is shot to pieces. So AIBU for being upset by comment?

WenchEyeBall · 12/08/2023 19:00

You are upset by it, so who cares if randomers think you're being unreasonable! Your feelings are valid.

But what you describe sound like your DHs comment came from a caring place. Not a tactful thing to say if you're feeling sensitive, as you are. Just straightforward. He wants you to feel better about yourself.

WenchEyeBall · 12/08/2023 19:02

Also I wouldn't expect anyone who hasn't bf to understand the must eat now hunger!

InBedBy10 · 12/08/2023 19:06

YANBU, he knew what he was saying was offensive which is why he said "I'm not fat shaming you"... he absolutely was.

You're an adult and you don't need to be told to not ruin your dinner 🙄

Sounds like he doesn't like the weight you've gained while pregnant.

cruffinsmuffin · 12/08/2023 19:11

Is he doing the thing where he's heard you saying you're unhappy and down about your body image and instead of hearing it as a genuine moan, he's heard it as something he can fix? And this is an attempt at that?

Tbh with the "I'm not fat shaming you" comment it sounds to me like he's heard your comments about your body image and in a clumsy way is trying to word his comment better? Although unless it was a family sized bag of crisps I'm not sure how eating at 4.30pm can ruin a meal at 8pm!! He's not a secret mumsnet massive salad person is he?

YANBU to be upset by anything, it wouldn't bother me but that doesn't mean it shouldn't bother you! We're all different in that regard. Did he apologise if it was obvious it bothered you?

Fromage · 12/08/2023 19:21

I hope you shook crisp crumbs all over the car (unless it's mostly you who drives it)

Utterly tactless at best.

Might have come from a well meaning place, because he knows you'd like to lose weight, but what a way to say it!

I hope the crisps were delicious, and he made you a delightful dinner with a very tasty dessert.

SaraJaneb · 12/08/2023 19:32

He needs to know it hurt you. Tell him it hurt and to be more gentle next time. You don't want to get to a situation where he thinks it's OK to say and carries on saying it. Some men have too little tact. You can't keep things like that inside because it just hurts you and in the end, hurts your relationship. You could say it in a jokey way or explain how you can't stop thinking about it but either way, you need to let him know, that was the last time you want to hear that sort of tone from him.

NEmama · 12/08/2023 19:35

What a cunt

calmcoco · 12/08/2023 19:36

He's out of order.

Frydaycryday · 12/08/2023 19:39

He's a twat.
I'd eat an entire tube of pringles in front of him by the handful.

But.. Why can't you exercise for 12 weeks?

Sexnotgender · 12/08/2023 19:41

Twat. You’re literally feeding and keeping another human alive. The hunger when breastfeeding is like nothing I’ve experienced before.

frazzledasarock · 12/08/2023 19:41

Yeah anyone who prefixes their comment with ‘I’m not being x but’ is usually being a dick

MrsFarmerTom · 12/08/2023 19:46

Frydaycryday · 12/08/2023 19:39

He's a twat.
I'd eat an entire tube of pringles in front of him by the handful.

But.. Why can't you exercise for 12 weeks?

That's the advice post c-section.
OP, if your DH is a generally decent guy, I'd just put this down to clumsy wording. My DH says this sort of thing, he's a bit socially awkward but very kind, and generally great in many other respects. A one-off poorly thought through comment doesn't make someone a twat or a cunt FGS 🙄 You can't help how you feel about it, and if it hurt you then it hurt you, and you should tell him that. But I wouldn't necessarily assume any malicious intent unless he has form for being unkind.

Olika · 12/08/2023 19:47

My DH was trying to tell me not to eat during night time when I was awake most of the nights with our newborn baby... I took no notice of him as I knew I have to eat as I was hungry and EBF.

toomuchlaundry · 12/08/2023 19:49

How come you hadn’t eaten since 11am?

Xrays · 12/08/2023 19:51

What on earth are you doing wandering around all day, not eating when you’re recovering from surgery?! Madness. You need to be kinder to yourself and your dh isn’t helping with his dickish comment. Arsehole.

Cowlover89 · 12/08/2023 19:58

What a knob.

FictionalCharacter · 12/08/2023 21:01

Yanbu, and I’d be even more annoyed by him saying “you’ll ruin your dinner” like I was a five year old. He needs to understand that eating “normally” isn’t enough when you’re BF.

Curseofthenation · 12/08/2023 22:12

I would have eaten them all in front of him while giving him a death stare 😆. You should definitely let him know that you don't appreciate him commenting on your eating habits. No doubt your calorie intake is well within the regions of normal for a breastfeeding woman.

Don't rush into pushing yourself on the exercise front once you hit 12 weeks pp either. The weight loss will happen long term with a healthy balanced diet (that includes enjoying the odd bag of crisps or chocolate!) and plenty of walking, if that is what you want. Exercise is of course great for your mental health too, so hopefully some gentle exercise will help you feel better in yourself.

Karwomannghia · 12/08/2023 22:14

Blatant fat shaming, he said it himself, little turd.

Bookish88 · 12/08/2023 22:19

I don't actually think he was fat shaming you, or trying to make you feel bad. Him saying as much was basically an acknowledgement of the conversation you'd had previously, and his understanding that it might be a sensitive topic for you.

To me, it sounds like his comment was intended to be purely practical. Hungry or not, crisps are devoid of nutritional value and you didn't have much longer to wait until you'd be having dinner. That said, you're an adult who can make your own decisions, so if you found it patronising then you should have told him so.

Frydaycryday · 12/08/2023 22:25

MrsFarmerTom · 12/08/2023 19:46

That's the advice post c-section.
OP, if your DH is a generally decent guy, I'd just put this down to clumsy wording. My DH says this sort of thing, he's a bit socially awkward but very kind, and generally great in many other respects. A one-off poorly thought through comment doesn't make someone a twat or a cunt FGS 🙄 You can't help how you feel about it, and if it hurt you then it hurt you, and you should tell him that. But I wouldn't necessarily assume any malicious intent unless he has form for being unkind.

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I feel conned.
I had an emcs
Got told 6 weeks no exercise.
Never heard 12 weeks before. Interesting how different areas are .

pictoosh · 12/08/2023 22:30

If you last ate at 11 and were unlikely to eat again until 8, I would have thought a top up was more than called for. Crisps aren't ideal but better than nothing.

He's definitely worried you're going to put on weight. He was fat shaming you.

billy1966 · 12/08/2023 22:31

Definitely depends on his general behaviour.

I would be well pissed off.

Why haven't you eaten for so long?

Very poor when you are BF.

Food and hydration are hugely important.

Even more so after a CS.

10 weeks is nothing.

Awful lack of care of you.

DiddyHeck · 12/08/2023 22:32

It's bizarre that he should actually use that phrase.

Is it a phrase you use yourself? Could he have been trying to pre-emt that, to make it clear he wasn't?

Either way, it's got fuck all to do with him if you want a bag of crisps, even if you weren't BFing.

Whataretheodds · 12/08/2023 22:33

MrsFarmerTom · 12/08/2023 19:46

That's the advice post c-section.
OP, if your DH is a generally decent guy, I'd just put this down to clumsy wording. My DH says this sort of thing, he's a bit socially awkward but very kind, and generally great in many other respects. A one-off poorly thought through comment doesn't make someone a twat or a cunt FGS 🙄 You can't help how you feel about it, and if it hurt you then it hurt you, and you should tell him that. But I wouldn't necessarily assume any malicious intent unless he has form for being unkind.

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This.