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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is wrong with me? Am I a sociopath?

103 replies

Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 02:47

I can't stand my MIL. She's perfectly nice, in fact probably nicer than my own mum, never pressures DH to do anything, she minds her own business, respects our boundaries and for some crazy reason I can't stand her. Our DC1 is 9 months old now and so we're seeing more and more of her. Her voice is shrill and I feel like she neighs when she laughs and I just find her irritating and stupid (she forwards all the viral links to YouTube on WhatsApp).

I get really grumpy when we have to visit her or if I hear that she might come over soon..

How can I start liking her? I really want to because I feel like ultimately it would make life easier for me and DH.

Am I just a mean person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 16:28

Oh gosh I think I'm using the terminology wrong. I just saw a post on Mumsnet that said DS6, and I thought wow, someone is on their 6th son! I thought the number denoted which number child it was rather than age!

OP posts:
MotherOfCatBoy · 12/08/2023 16:33

I agree with the other posters who have suggested ND, maybe ADHD, although of course impossible to say - only she/ her family could seek a diagnosis. But many traits remind me of the feeling of chaos and oddness I experience with my mother (who I now think has had lifelong undiagnosed ADHD or more) and it certainly triggers me when I meet people who display similar traits. It sounds like your DH has put it all in a box and won’t open it to look at it or talk about it. You may be feeling apprehensive that you will have this person (MIL) in your life for good now you’re a family and what does that mean. All v understandable.

But I also agree with pp who say you’re going to have to work on it, for all your sakes. Whilst you shouldn’t have to do your DH’s emotional labour, you can still make a proactive decision about how you want your relationship with your MIL to go. Can’t remember the name of the poster who mentioned the positive thought technique before seeing someone, that sounds very powerful, it reminds me of loving -kindness meditation. Maybe read up a bit on certain conditions if that helps. Above all just stay open. You sound self aware enough to ask the question - there will be answers if you work through it. And, nothing is perfect, tolerate as much as you can and when you can’t, retreat and rest.

Ponoka7 · 12/08/2023 16:43

She is definitely ND, has a PD, or general mental health issues, just by virtue of being a hoarder. My sister is a hoarder, I am autistic and my children have additional needs, so I do wonder were she is on the spectrum but she lies to her physiatrist, so won't get a proper diagnosis, she is treated as having neurological issues. I'd be making your DH come out of the bubble he is in. Your children will want explanations and this generation will be ND aware. Perhaps read up on hoarding, it is very sad. Your children might have the genetic link.

Original poster
Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 16:47

With regards to mil's hoarding, she grew up very poor and repurposed everything and so could it just be a symptom of that rather than ND. Both her sisters do the same

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 16:49

Just briefly read up on ND - other symptoms are clumsiness and not enjoying going out or being in social settings with people she isn't familiar with

OP posts:
ClemmyTine · 12/08/2023 17:02

KajsaKavat · 12/08/2023 07:41

I felt like this about my MIL after we had children, but she did overstep straight after birth and after that I just disliked her a lot of the time, exactly like you describe.

I remained reasonably polite and she was close with my kids even after I divorced her son. Now fast forward 15 years, She died recently and I feel somewhat bad at times for not being nicer.

but, there were little things, she always wanted to tell me how to do things and she never respected my parenting choices, she wouldn’t accept when my second child had a milk allergy and thought I eas overreacting.

I bet you also have some little reasons behind your sudden dislike to her.

We're the children your husband's?

KajsaKavat · 12/08/2023 20:12

ClemmyTine · 12/08/2023 17:02

We're the children your husband's?

Show quote history

Yes

ClemmyTine · 12/08/2023 22:22

KajsaKavat · 12/08/2023 20:12

Yes

Show quote history

I asked because you seem surprised that there was still a good relationship between her and your children after your splitting up. Why wouldn't there be? The children are her flesh and blood.

Wnikat · 12/08/2023 22:25

Deep breaths and think of the babysitting

polkadotdalmation · 12/08/2023 22:32

Don't reject her now. She'll be providing free child care soon.

Loopylune · 12/08/2023 22:35

I think it’s a biological thing, like when you have a baby a switch flips and you only really want your partner and possibly any close female relatives to be involved. That’s how I felt. It’s quite irrational but maybe a protective measure.

Loopylune · 12/08/2023 22:36

But yeah just try not to give in to the feeling, as others say you will appreciate her babysitting later!

Daz57 · 12/08/2023 22:47

It is very hard being a mother in law. I often find myself worrying ‘am I saying the right things? Am I talking too much? Am I talking enough?’ Exhausting!

Blinky21 · 12/08/2023 23:27

I took against a woman who always got on the same train carriage as me in the morning, just based on her demeanour. Just the sight of her would annoy me. I'm not a sociopath just a misanthrope!

OliveWah · 12/08/2023 23:27

@Kimmyeatsworld - if you really are looking to like your MIL a bit more, I have a suggestion, but it may sound a little counterintuitive! How about doing a few little nice things for her; perhaps send her some flowers, take a lovely pic of DH and DS and pop it in an inexpensive frame and post it to her, or when you see something in a shop you think she might like, send it to her with a little note saying "I saw this and thought of you" (like the Royal Mail advert in the 90's!). In return, she will (hopefully) be effusive in her thanks towards you, which should in turn, help you to feel a little warmer towards her. Just a suggestion, but it's what sprang to mind!

KajsaKavat · 12/08/2023 23:29

ClemmyTine · 12/08/2023 22:22

I asked because you seem surprised that there was still a good relationship between her and your children after your splitting up. Why wouldn't there be? The children are her flesh and blood.

Show quote history

Talk about looking for problems…. I was pointing out that I had that same dislike of my MIL a lot of the time but I didn’t let that get in the way of her having contact with them.

GodspeedJune · 12/08/2023 23:53

OP, you have had a hard time from some posters, the feelings you admit to are human and happen sometimes, and you can’t always pinpoint why. It’s a visceral reaction, and very unfortunate that she’s someone who will be in your life for a long time rather than a colleague or acquaintance.

I guess you have to decide whether your best option is to minimise how often you see her, or go the other way and try to build a good relationship. Neither is wrong or right. What does your gut instinct tell you to do?

I don’t know why some posters are mentioning childcare. If I didn’t like someone then there’s no chance they’d have unfettered time with my child.

Thewallsof · 13/08/2023 00:04

That's not what a sociopath is. But you sound like you've got quite set criteria or standards for liking people. Or is it just her?

JMSA · 13/08/2023 03:57

It sounds to me like she could be a bit depressed.
Between having you and your husband for family, it's little wonder.

LadyBird1973 · 13/08/2023 07:48

'If I didn’t like someone then there’s no chance they’d have unfettered time with my child.'

Surely this depends on why you don't like them and also who they are, to some extent.
It isn't fair to take against a mil for no good reason and then deny her access to a grandchildren (assuming she is safe to be around). And some men actually look out for and care about their mothers and would object if their wives were keeping the kids away without cause. It's not always just the wife's choice.

ChinHairDontCare · 13/08/2023 08:14

Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 10:08

I used to find her generally annoying before DC1 but now I realise I just don't like her and I'm not bothered about DC1 having much of a relationship with her which I know sounds horrid. I wouldn't do anything to sabotage it ever. DH is close to MIL from a distance if that makes sense. He doesn't phone her and only really speaks to her if she calls him and maybe sees her say 6 times year if that (we live in the same town so it's not a time or distance thing). Since DC1 the video calls have increased rather than the visits. I'm not jealous of DH and his mum's relationship either.

I guess things that annoy me about her.

  1. She's a hoarder. Say a loaf of bread comes in some packaging, she'll keep the packaging. She'll rinse out milk bottles and keep them.
  2. She has decorated her bungalow with aquarium ornaments eg. The plastic seaweed you see in fish tanks.
  3. She thinks doctors and hospitals are out to kill people and isn't compliant with her medication.
  4. She is so disorganised, you don't know what her plan is until literally on the day.
  5. She seems unable to organise herself to go out until like 4pm.
  6. She will facetime at 10pm and expect DC1 to be awake.
  7. She finds viral videos online and goes with the fad eg. Eating soaked teabags for longevity or something.
  8. She will talk about the people she sees on tiktoks or TV like she knows them or that we know them eg. That man got wet in the rain, it was so sad he left his umbrella on the bus. And I have to ask afterwards what in the bejeezus she's on about.
  9. Doesn't explicitly say it but she is so sexist eg. when she speaks to DC1 it's always 'is daddy still hard at work in the office?' and 'has mummy cooked supper yet?'

I once asked DH if she had some kind of illness but DH is so avoidant about problems he doesn't see it (or is just perhaps used to her quirkiness).

Does she have traits that you have tried (consciously or unconsciously) to not have yourself or to distance yourself from with you, your family or your place of origin? Are you worried about being considered uncultured, don't have good taste, gullible, easily taken advantage of? Or do you have to work hard against your own disorganisation, clutter, etc? Or did you have a family member that behaved a similar way that felt shameful? Or did you grow up with these attributes being attached to you in some way? If you can sit with the feeling when it's triggered, feel it in your body, don't accept the first answer about why you feel that way but keep thinking why, I bet you'll identify something that'll surprise you.
We often hate in people traits that we're desperate for others not to see in us. Traits that don't trigger us psychologically we tend to be much more accommodating of.

Original poster
Kimmyeatsworld · 13/08/2023 08:19

ChinHairDontCare · 13/08/2023 08:14

Does she have traits that you have tried (consciously or unconsciously) to not have yourself or to distance yourself from with you, your family or your place of origin? Are you worried about being considered uncultured, don't have good taste, gullible, easily taken advantage of? Or do you have to work hard against your own disorganisation, clutter, etc? Or did you have a family member that behaved a similar way that felt shameful? Or did you grow up with these attributes being attached to you in some way? If you can sit with the feeling when it's triggered, feel it in your body, don't accept the first answer about why you feel that way but keep thinking why, I bet you'll identify something that'll surprise you.
We often hate in people traits that we're desperate for others not to see in us. Traits that don't trigger us psychologically we tend to be much more accommodating of.

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😮

At first I didn't read the first half of your message properly/it didn't process immediately and I got to your last paragraph and immediately thought no I don't share those traits. But then re-read your first chunk of questions and thought about it... you could be right to a certain extent to be totally honest!

OP posts:
GodspeedJune · 13/08/2023 12:28

LadyBird1973 · 13/08/2023 07:48

'If I didn’t like someone then there’s no chance they’d have unfettered time with my child.'

Surely this depends on why you don't like them and also who they are, to some extent.
It isn't fair to take against a mil for no good reason and then deny her access to a grandchildren (assuming she is safe to be around). And some men actually look out for and care about their mothers and would object if their wives were keeping the kids away without cause. It's not always just the wife's choice.

I didn’t say I’d deny access, I said unfettered time so using someone like that for childcare would be a hard no from me. Supervised visits, a different story.

PinkRiceKrispies · 13/08/2023 12:33

I feel awful for saying this but I feel the same about my friends kid. There's just something about her that really irritates me and I feel terrible for it because she's not a bad kid at all. So no, you are not a sociopath. We can't help how we feel and you aren't doing outwardly horrible or showing how you feel presumably.

MrsMarzetti · 13/08/2023 12:39

HappiDaze · 12/08/2023 13:09

It's the overly niceness that's making you feel uncomfortable. It's like they have a secret hidden agenda. Hers is that you will like her.

Maybe the MIL doesn't have a agenda. Maybe she realises they will be in each others lives for a long time so may as well get along or the MIL can't stand the OP but is just trying to over compensate.