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Original poster

What is wrong with me? Am I a sociopath?

103 replies

Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 02:47

I can't stand my MIL. She's perfectly nice, in fact probably nicer than my own mum, never pressures DH to do anything, she minds her own business, respects our boundaries and for some crazy reason I can't stand her. Our DC1 is 9 months old now and so we're seeing more and more of her. Her voice is shrill and I feel like she neighs when she laughs and I just find her irritating and stupid (she forwards all the viral links to YouTube on WhatsApp).

I get really grumpy when we have to visit her or if I hear that she might come over soon..

How can I start liking her? I really want to because I feel like ultimately it would make life easier for me and DH.

Am I just a mean person.

OP posts:
Fofftwenty21 · 12/08/2023 10:18

I absolutely love my MIL for a maximum of about 2 Hours! After that she will start to annoy and irritate me in a way that's quite difficult to manage.

I try and limit the time spent with her now to avoid this and also have accepted that she'll always say at least 1 weird/inappropriate thing. Its usually when my husband goes to the loo and it is just me and her! Haha 😄 it's become a bit of a joke now where my husband feels bad if he needs to pee during her visits.

The MIL you talk about sounds like maybe some health issues and possibly lonely (talking about people like she knows them etc) so maybe that contributes. My MIL is also a bit lonely and so tried too hard sometimes.

It helps me to think about all the things I love in my husband that I can see in her such as kind generous and to focus on being grateful for those.

CalistoNoSolo · 12/08/2023 10:19

She sounds ND to me, and after your update, you sound very judgemental and unsympathetic.

BHRK · 12/08/2023 10:25

Nothing on the list you’ve put means that you should have this much anger and hatred towards her. Maybe she hates you for being intolerant and unkind?
get a grip OP. She is nice to your DH and your child..
there are so many abusive, absent, horrible grandparents in the world. She is not one of them.
you should count yourself lucky

MrsMarzetti · 12/08/2023 10:30

Are you scared your child might just grow up to love their Granny and have a great relationship with her? Will you show your child how much you loathe her ?

The way she decorates her home is her business, what the hell has it got to do with you ? She is living her life to suit her not her stuck up DIL.

Bandyarsia · 12/08/2023 10:31

She will know you hate her. Believe me she will feel that underlying, bubbling resentment and will only try harder to make you like her. It’s all very sad and you don’t sound like a kind, tolerant person. Nothing in the lists you gave is bad enough to lathe someone. I feel terribly sorry for her.

HughWalpole · 12/08/2023 10:41

Some of those oddities (and they are very odd) do sound difficult, like calling very late, others are up to her (although eating tea bags- wtf?). I’m not surprised you want to limit time with her though.

Can your DH speak to her about the calls? Can you think together about how much time you want to spend with her and aim for that.

Otherwise I’d just stop thinking about it so much. Be friendly and polite. You don’t have to like everyone. She might grow on you, especially if you can stop analysing it all and go with the flow. Or she might not, and that’s ok too.

snowdropinwinter · 12/08/2023 10:41

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

xyz111 · 12/08/2023 10:45

Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 10:08

I used to find her generally annoying before DC1 but now I realise I just don't like her and I'm not bothered about DC1 having much of a relationship with her which I know sounds horrid. I wouldn't do anything to sabotage it ever. DH is close to MIL from a distance if that makes sense. He doesn't phone her and only really speaks to her if she calls him and maybe sees her say 6 times year if that (we live in the same town so it's not a time or distance thing). Since DC1 the video calls have increased rather than the visits. I'm not jealous of DH and his mum's relationship either.

I guess things that annoy me about her.

  1. She's a hoarder. Say a loaf of bread comes in some packaging, she'll keep the packaging. She'll rinse out milk bottles and keep them.
  2. She has decorated her bungalow with aquarium ornaments eg. The plastic seaweed you see in fish tanks.
  3. She thinks doctors and hospitals are out to kill people and isn't compliant with her medication.
  4. She is so disorganised, you don't know what her plan is until literally on the day.
  5. She seems unable to organise herself to go out until like 4pm.
  6. She will facetime at 10pm and expect DC1 to be awake.
  7. She finds viral videos online and goes with the fad eg. Eating soaked teabags for longevity or something.
  8. She will talk about the people she sees on tiktoks or TV like she knows them or that we know them eg. That man got wet in the rain, it was so sad he left his umbrella on the bus. And I have to ask afterwards what in the bejeezus she's on about.
  9. Doesn't explicitly say it but she is so sexist eg. when she speaks to DC1 it's always 'is daddy still hard at work in the office?' and 'has mummy cooked supper yet?'

I once asked DH if she had some kind of illness but DH is so avoidant about problems he doesn't see it (or is just perhaps used to her quirkiness).

I don't see how most of those points have anything to do with you. You sound very judgemental

Thelnebriati · 12/08/2023 10:46

There's nothing wrong with you and you're not a sociopath. Everyone meets someone they don't get on with. That's life. We just have to learn to manage your feelings and try to get along with them.

Start by telling yourself that the annoying laugh isn't that bed. Then try to find one positive thing you could say about her, and focus on that.
If you don't like the fact she sends you links, ask her to send funny memes instead.

CurlewKate · 12/08/2023 10:48

Bloody hell. And people normally shout at me because I sometimes suggest that the universal hatred of MILs on Mumsnet might be a little unfair. Glad to be proved that at least in one case, I'm definitely right!

StrawberryWaterIce · 12/08/2023 10:52

Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 10:08

I used to find her generally annoying before DC1 but now I realise I just don't like her and I'm not bothered about DC1 having much of a relationship with her which I know sounds horrid. I wouldn't do anything to sabotage it ever. DH is close to MIL from a distance if that makes sense. He doesn't phone her and only really speaks to her if she calls him and maybe sees her say 6 times year if that (we live in the same town so it's not a time or distance thing). Since DC1 the video calls have increased rather than the visits. I'm not jealous of DH and his mum's relationship either.

I guess things that annoy me about her.

  1. She's a hoarder. Say a loaf of bread comes in some packaging, she'll keep the packaging. She'll rinse out milk bottles and keep them.
  2. She has decorated her bungalow with aquarium ornaments eg. The plastic seaweed you see in fish tanks.
  3. She thinks doctors and hospitals are out to kill people and isn't compliant with her medication.
  4. She is so disorganised, you don't know what her plan is until literally on the day.
  5. She seems unable to organise herself to go out until like 4pm.
  6. She will facetime at 10pm and expect DC1 to be awake.
  7. She finds viral videos online and goes with the fad eg. Eating soaked teabags for longevity or something.
  8. She will talk about the people she sees on tiktoks or TV like she knows them or that we know them eg. That man got wet in the rain, it was so sad he left his umbrella on the bus. And I have to ask afterwards what in the bejeezus she's on about.
  9. Doesn't explicitly say it but she is so sexist eg. when she speaks to DC1 it's always 'is daddy still hard at work in the office?' and 'has mummy cooked supper yet?'

I once asked DH if she had some kind of illness but DH is so avoidant about problems he doesn't see it (or is just perhaps used to her quirkiness).

I was going to comment that neurotypical people often dislike neurodivergent people for no particular reason, and it doesn't mean something is wrong with you or the other (ND myself). Some theories are that ND people have varying levels of masking yet this can still be picked up on by NT in tiny subtle ways. It produces a feeling similar to the "uncanny valley" effect when looking at human robots or digitally generated faces.

And after reading the description above, it certain sounds like your MIL has some level of ND. Leaning towards ADHD (very common, up to 10% of the population) due to the disorganisation, hoarding, collecting and decorating with specific items. People with may also have problems expressing themselves and sending internet videos or memes are a highly common way of trying to stay in touch without having to directly focus on a conversation.

Do you dislike her because you feel she's missing obvious social cues (eg Facetiming at 10pm) and just seems "oblivious" to others and obsessed with her own world? If so, that's a very common neurotypical response to dealing with people with neurodivergencies.

Defiantjazz · 12/08/2023 10:52

You can’t like everyone. She gets on your nerves that’s all it is.

Original poster
Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 10:56

Wow guys, I never said I hate or loathe her.. I said I find her annoying and don't like her. AND I started this whole post to ask how to better my relationship with her or how can I just try to like her for the sake of DH and DC1.
I do my best to accommodate her actually and I am not unkind or intolerant towards her like a PP said. Perhaps the way I feel is unkind and I don't exactly like that in myself (hence the thread) but I would never be rude to her I am always hospitable and I make sure I make her fave foods. I am patient with her whereas DH is snappy.

OP posts:
NeinDanke · 12/08/2023 11:04

Honestly, there are always going to be some people who rub us up the wrong way - that's life and it doesn't make us nasty and mean, just human.

As usual there are some paragons of virtue on this thread who have never experienced this and yet again the OP is getting a kicking for being honest.

OP you do not sound horrible - you sound self-aware as you are trying to get to the root of why you feel the way you do. If you were really nasty you would be outwardly unkind to her and trying to come between her and her son and grandchild which it doesn't sound like you are.

It's normal to have feelings - the important thing is to try to keep them to yourself and try and not let the other person know they annoy you.

I say this as someone who other people have often found annoying - I struggled when I was younger as I was desperate to be liked. In my middle-age I have made peace with the fact that not everyone is going to like me.

blahblahblah1654 · 12/08/2023 11:06

You can't help disliking someone but it's I kind to be grumpy around her. She hasn't done anything wrong. As long as you can keep it to yourself there's no problem.

blahblahblah1654 · 12/08/2023 11:07

Unkind*

LadyBird1973 · 12/08/2023 11:43

We don't choose our in-laws - we fall in love and then acquire a set of people that we might not have chosen. And don't necessarily like.And we have obligations towards them to form relationships that don't come naturally.

Then when you have a baby it's sometimes hard to accept your baby belongs as much to their family (who don't really feel like yours) as much as to your own family. They have a claim on your baby. Mothers can be very possessive, they are still seeing the baby as part of themselves and sometimes just have a visceral reaction when there's an independent relationship between in-laws and the child that the mother has no part of. I think it's hormones tbh.

It's also natural to not like everyone you meet. And you have to realise that not everyone will like you either. Even when neither party has done anything wrong. I feel sad for her though - her son is snappy and cba and her dil dislikes her.

It's pointless saying it because no one ever thinks this will happen to them, especially when they are at the start of the journey and their babies are tiny, but one day you might be her - disliked for no good reason. And with a son that you've poured love into, who just can't be bothered. Mothers are taken for granted a lot!

I think you have to try and make an effort - send her photos of the baby, maybe FaceTime when the baby is awake. Tell your husband not to be a dick and to ring his mum for a chat.

wefriendsagainyoupointthatgunsomewherelse · 12/08/2023 11:52

Well is this something that's happened to you before with other people?

Cosycatz · 12/08/2023 12:00

I do my best to accommodate her actually and I am not unkind or intolerant towards her like a PP said. Perhaps the way I feel is unkind and I don't exactly like that in myself (hence the thread) but I would never be rude to her I am always hospitable and I make sure I make her fave foods. I am patient with her whereas DH is snappy.

You feel how you feel. Feelings don’t make you bad. Every human can feel all of the spectrum of feelings and it doesn’t make you some virtuous soldier if you suppress feelings from your consciousness and then class yourself as superior to other people when they actually are conscious when they feel these less savoury and less socially accepted feelings as some people on this thread are doing. Some of the things you describe would be considered to be annoying by most people. Annoyance is just a feeling.

How you behave towards her in spite of those feelings is what matters and it sounds like you don’t want to express that annoyance towards her which you realise is your problem not your mother in laws. That makes you a good person.

LumpySpaceCow · 12/08/2023 12:05

I know several women who feel like this post DC. One friend had a great relationship with her MIL but then after her first child was born, absolutely hated her! I don't know the psychology behind these things or how to stop those feelings, but you're not alone!!!

C8H10N4O2 · 12/08/2023 13:05

Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 10:56

Wow guys, I never said I hate or loathe her.. I said I find her annoying and don't like her. AND I started this whole post to ask how to better my relationship with her or how can I just try to like her for the sake of DH and DC1.
I do my best to accommodate her actually and I am not unkind or intolerant towards her like a PP said. Perhaps the way I feel is unkind and I don't exactly like that in myself (hence the thread) but I would never be rude to her I am always hospitable and I make sure I make her fave foods. I am patient with her whereas DH is snappy.

We don't always choose our colleagues but we have to find ways to rub along together and build a working relationship. It can feel the same with in-laws. If she has a good relationship with DH and grandchildren just focus on that and don't feel she has to be your best friend, just a good grandmother and mother in her own right.

Looking at your list of "irritants" I'd split them into those I care about and those I don't.

So how she decorates her house, hoarding, endless links etc - her business, no need to open any of the repeated links.

Sexism - I would challenge that but with the DC mainly as demonstrably incorrect in your family.

Skepticism around evidence based medicine - again her issue unless she is looking after the DC.

However if she is picking up conspiracy theories from the endless tik tok links I might raise the issue of risks around fake and non proven content if an opportunity arose. It would worry me if she was missing out on health care due to online snake oil (although DH is probably better placed to do that).

HappiDaze · 12/08/2023 13:09

It's the overly niceness that's making you feel uncomfortable. It's like they have a secret hidden agenda. Hers is that you will like her.

Grumpymummy78 · 12/08/2023 13:32

I was thinking possibly ND (from your description) and also lonely. Feel a bit sorry for her, not trying to make you feel bad, she may know you/others find her a bit irritating that's all.

Original poster
Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 16:21

Firstly, I apologise in advance if I say something offensive, I'm very much still learning about what ND is and means. For example, I wonder if I myself might be ND because I feel anxious if I don't know about plans well ahead of time or perhaps I just have anxiety and not ND.

Anyway, for those suggesting ND, I appreciate it. I remember when DH and I were dating and I first met my future MIL, I didn't quite 'understand' her. And again I wonder if this is something about me, i sometimes need it spelled out to me if someone has a particular condition because if I meet someone without being told, I might think 'oh this person isn't very sociable' when in fact they might have autism... I hope that makes sense. anyway, like I said my DH is quite avoidant. For example, my BIL is gay but DH is convinced his brother is just flatmates with his partner. And so I think if my MIL is indeed ND my DH just doesn't want to acknowledge it. I've had to piece together a lot about my in laws because of how my DH is. Anyway, over the years I guess I just got used to my MIL being how she is and sort of forgot I initially found her a little bit unusual and just took for face value what my DH said about there being nothing up with his mum. One time I remember her saying there was a poltergeist in her kettle and DH just point blank ignored her.

For me, I think I am much kinder or empathetic if I realise someone is a certain way because of a particular condition. Otherwise my initial reaction might be that the person is being rude to me or whatever it is their personality type might come across as.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 16:26

Also, I really do want to like her. I used to have a really nice relationship with both sets of grandparents despite my mum not really being a fan of her ILs. I found this out as an adult but as a child my mum made sure we had a good relationship with them. On one hand, I would love for DC1 to have that experience but on the other I feel like I am having to be really fake to ensure DC1 gets that experience. Eg. DH doesn't really speak regularly to his mum and so I'll send photos of DC1 to MIL or facetime her so she can see DC1.. but internally it's done a bit grudgingly. I just do it because I feel like it's the right thing to do. What I guess I'm trying to get at is, I want to be happy to do it.

OP posts: