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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is wrong with me? Am I a sociopath?

103 replies

Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 02:47

I can't stand my MIL. She's perfectly nice, in fact probably nicer than my own mum, never pressures DH to do anything, she minds her own business, respects our boundaries and for some crazy reason I can't stand her. Our DC1 is 9 months old now and so we're seeing more and more of her. Her voice is shrill and I feel like she neighs when she laughs and I just find her irritating and stupid (she forwards all the viral links to YouTube on WhatsApp).

I get really grumpy when we have to visit her or if I hear that she might come over soon..

How can I start liking her? I really want to because I feel like ultimately it would make life easier for me and DH.

Am I just a mean person.

OP posts:
Grumpymummy78 · 12/08/2023 08:33

Loulou599 · 12/08/2023 08:24

Do you think she is an authentic person?

I was just thinking this.
When we find common ground and form a connection with someone (bond with them I guess), it's usually when we're being our authentic, non 'performing' selves. Maybe she's overcompensating (lack of confidence/wanting to be liked perhaps?)

That said, she may be being herself and just -through no fault of her own- irk you. Which is perfectly fine; you can't like everyone and you're not mean!!

When I feel this way about someone, I try to think of the good things about them, the kind things they do etc. Often doesn't work though! (Sorry)

Fishmongers · 12/08/2023 08:33

Stop looking at the YouTube WhatsApp messages?

AlmostTotallyFake · 12/08/2023 08:36

I dread becoming a mother in law if a slightly annoying laugh and a few YouTube links create this much animosity.

Livelovebehappy · 12/08/2023 08:38

It’s probably the typical mother in law jealousy thing. You like to think you are the only woman important in your DHs life, and it gnaws at you that you aren’t. Not sure what the answer is, but the obvious answer would be to be low contact with her,and just let your DHs and dc continue spending quality time with her…….

OrwellianTimes · 12/08/2023 08:39

I think you need to get over yourself. A couple minor annoying traits are easy to look past if you focus on the positives and find some common ground.

ForestGoblin · 12/08/2023 08:42

What a scary thread.

If you dislike someone for no reason, it's pretty egotistical. Get over it.

And just think how many people really hate a mean judgemental cow...

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 12/08/2023 08:43

Often when we dislike someone that is essentially a good person it’s because we recognise a failing in ourselves in comparison to the other person. It doesn’t make you a sociopath, but perhaps you should examine why you dislike her instead of labelling yourself a sociopath.

Sociopathy is an antisocial personality disorder characterised by muted emotions. It is not a trait you can get to adulthood without having ever wondered about before.

Minfilia · 12/08/2023 08:47

I don’t think you’re a sociopath.

I do think that you’re jealous of her.

PurpleSteak · 12/08/2023 08:51

You feel threatened by her and or jealous of her. You know she loves DH as much as you do and he feels the same. The fact that she's a good person just makes that worse!

It's the root of most in-law problems. People can be annoying but no one reacts to other annoying people the way they do to in laws.

FairAcre · 12/08/2023 08:52

I feel so sorry for mothers of sons. They can’t do right for wrong. My daughter has a lovely little boy. I feel sad to think this might be her future. That some entitled woman is going to come along and dislike my daughter because it suits her.

Jaemoon · 12/08/2023 08:53

Aww she sounds lovely. There was one sort-of friend I felt the same about. She was lovely but something about her grated on me. Crazy thing was I would miss her after a while and then I’d see her at someone’s party and remember again why she grated on me. We drifted apart and I do think of her, but no point in getting in touch. Maybe she felt the same about me.

I’m also someone that a few people just don’t like when they first get to know me.

Daisy523 · 12/08/2023 08:54

“Probably nicer than my own mum.”

Is it possible you’re projecting your issues with your own mother?

Noicant · 12/08/2023 08:57

I felt a bit like this after I had DD. I think it was a post partum thing because it slowly faded.

Fercullen · 12/08/2023 09:04

If you were a sociopath, you wouldn’t be concerned about not liking someone so don’t worry about that! Becoming a new mother is such a massive change and makes you have lots of feelings and emotions that are not usual for you. Being over protective of your and your daughter’s space could be one change. You say you can’t understand it because your MIL is a nice person. If it doesn’t make sense consciously, maybe there is something swirling around your unconscious that’s been triggered by pregnancy. Maybe try just sitting with it and see what feelings come up. And pay attention to your dreams to see if there are any common feelings. Best of luck

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 09:10

As someone who’s Marmite I completely get this. For some reason there have been people in my life who have taken an instant dislike to me for no reason whatsoever. Others love the bones of me. The ones who dislike can’t help it and if they’re civil to me, that’s all I ask.

Given that you’re generous in your description of her @Kimmyeatsworld, I don’t think you actually dislike her at all. I think she irritates you but that’s different.

webster1987 · 12/08/2023 09:14

Have you always felt like this about her or has it developed since your DC was born?

RhymesWithTangerine · 12/08/2023 09:17

Your DH loves her and you might be jealous?

You aren’t a sociopath but what’s likely driven you to starting this thread is an acknowledgement that it isn’t good for you/DH/DC for you to dislike her as you do.

It would be much better if you could just like her. Don’t hold her to crazy high standards. Just be accepting and - even- join in with the TikToks or whatever. She’s trying to be a part of your lives at a distance. Life is long and you’ll need her support before you know it.

diddl · 12/08/2023 09:23

Is it because you are now seeing more of her that you are noticing these things?

I found my MIL harder to tolerate after kids!

The way she interacted with them seemed so false & performative!

I didn't see her if I didn't have to tbh.

Husband & kids saw her.

Grumpymummy78 · 12/08/2023 09:23

RhymesWithTangerine · 12/08/2023 09:17

Your DH loves her and you might be jealous?

You aren’t a sociopath but what’s likely driven you to starting this thread is an acknowledgement that it isn’t good for you/DH/DC for you to dislike her as you do.

It would be much better if you could just like her. Don’t hold her to crazy high standards. Just be accepting and - even- join in with the TikToks or whatever. She’s trying to be a part of your lives at a distance. Life is long and you’ll need her support before you know it.

I agree with this. There may be jealousy that DH loves her, but -if that is the case- that's really okay; it's part of being human...we all feel twinges of jealousy sometimes.

If it is that, if you recognise and accept it, the power goes and you can move on. Try to unpick/unpack it and thrash it out in your own mind, shout out (when you're on your own I might add!) how annoying you find her and try to then let it go. Good luck

Cosycatz · 12/08/2023 09:23

There is probably a reason for this. Either she has traits that subconsciously remind you of someone you don’t like, maybe they did stuff that stayed with you, or they are traits you have and you don’t like about yourself so they bug you when you see them in someone else. The other possibility someone suggested is that it comes across as inauthentic and you don’t like that lack of connection. Something is triggering these feelings in you. Ignore the people saying it makes you a bad person, it is normal human stuff. No of us are anywhere close to being perfect and those who think they are, are further away than most because they don’t accept that in themselves nor others.

ElectricMagpie · 12/08/2023 09:32

As @Neurotic90 says, when my DC was a baby I was fiercely protective and kept MIL at arms length. Good news is now he's school-age and can advocate for himself, that feeling has finally melted away and he sees her much more often.

honeybonbon · 12/08/2023 09:49

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

CalistoNoSolo · 12/08/2023 10:05

Poor woman knows you hate her and is desperately trying to compensate because she thinks you might stop her from seeing her son and grandchild. You need to get a grip op, she is the mother of your husband and has done absolutely nothing wrong. I think @HerRoyalHeinzness idea is really good. Change your attitude towards her from sullen negativity to looking at her involvement in your husband and child's life as positive.

Original poster
Kimmyeatsworld · 12/08/2023 10:08

I used to find her generally annoying before DC1 but now I realise I just don't like her and I'm not bothered about DC1 having much of a relationship with her which I know sounds horrid. I wouldn't do anything to sabotage it ever. DH is close to MIL from a distance if that makes sense. He doesn't phone her and only really speaks to her if she calls him and maybe sees her say 6 times year if that (we live in the same town so it's not a time or distance thing). Since DC1 the video calls have increased rather than the visits. I'm not jealous of DH and his mum's relationship either.

I guess things that annoy me about her.

  1. She's a hoarder. Say a loaf of bread comes in some packaging, she'll keep the packaging. She'll rinse out milk bottles and keep them.
  2. She has decorated her bungalow with aquarium ornaments eg. The plastic seaweed you see in fish tanks.
  3. She thinks doctors and hospitals are out to kill people and isn't compliant with her medication.
  4. She is so disorganised, you don't know what her plan is until literally on the day.
  5. She seems unable to organise herself to go out until like 4pm.
  6. She will facetime at 10pm and expect DC1 to be awake.
  7. She finds viral videos online and goes with the fad eg. Eating soaked teabags for longevity or something.
  8. She will talk about the people she sees on tiktoks or TV like she knows them or that we know them eg. That man got wet in the rain, it was so sad he left his umbrella on the bus. And I have to ask afterwards what in the bejeezus she's on about.
  9. Doesn't explicitly say it but she is so sexist eg. when she speaks to DC1 it's always 'is daddy still hard at work in the office?' and 'has mummy cooked supper yet?'

I once asked DH if she had some kind of illness but DH is so avoidant about problems he doesn't see it (or is just perhaps used to her quirkiness).

OP posts:
NaughtPoppy · 12/08/2023 10:09

You don’t have to like everyone.

See less of her - let DH take the baby to visit her.