Page 4 | ‘Solo Parent’

babynme · 2023-08-12T00:49:17+00:00

So I am a ‘solo parent’. Baby’s dad is not involved, I’m doing it all on my own. Solo. I don’t hate it (I did at the start) but it’s my reality, I’ve found what works for me so I just get on with it now. It’s really starting to grind my gears now that I see a lot of tik tokers / influencers calling themselves ‘solo parents’ or that they are ‘solo parenting for a few days’ because their partner is at work. Is it just me? I’m not trying to gatekeep the phrase per-say, but most of the time their attitude is ‘feel sorry for me my husband is off to his 9-5 I’m solo parenting’ when this is our reality 24/7, I just feel it’s being used wrongly. please tell me if I’m overreacting by being peeved by this 🤣

Firawla · 12/08/2023 10:45

I mostly hear solo being used by people in a relationship while the other one is temporarily away like other posters said, whereas single parent and lone parent would be for the actual single parents

But my dh works away a lot and I would never use that phrase for myself because I find it cringey. Saying he’s working away is sufficient for me it doesn’t need a label because I don’t find it a big deal.

LadyBird1973 · 12/08/2023 11:04

Some words are used in more then one context and it doesn't mean either is wrong.
I think you should redirect your ire to the useless man who has just left you to it, rather than towards other women who are currently looking after the kids by themselves, albeit not permanently.

You can't police other people's language - if it pisses you off maybe stay off TikTok.

Even if a person is married, if their partner works away a lot and isn't physically there, they are still solo parenting a lot of the time. - if they are sick they still have to just get on with it, still have to do the day to day.
The difference is that they might have financial backup but not always.

MelonsOnSaleAgain · 12/08/2023 11:10

Single parenting means to me that you are parenting on your own with no partner around in support.

Solo parenting to me means you usually have two of you about but one if you is out of commission.

single parents got offended when parents in a couple said they were single. So the language changed and now it seems you’re taking offence when we use another word.

Personally I think everyone needs to stop taking offence at everything.

FoodFann · 12/08/2023 11:16

You are gate keeping the phrase though. And you’re acting as though you’ve got a difficult situation and no one else is allowed to struggle with their lives, because YOUVE got it worse.

My DH works 5am-7pm, I have ‘solo’ parented Monday-Friday since DD was born.

MyrtleSmurf · 12/08/2023 11:18

I'm a single parent and yes there's a clear difference. My kids are with me the majority of the time but are at their dad's once a week - that's single parenting, not lone or solo.

I would say a lone parent has no input from the father at all.

Solo is one I haven't heard much but I think I'd struggle to define it. I'd be OK if someone said "husband is away for a few days so I'm solo parenting" but annoyed if someone said "I know just how it feels for you to be a single parent, my husband works long hours sometimes so I'm basically the solo parent".

DizzyRascal · 12/08/2023 11:26

What's the term for a parent who's broken up with the other one and they live apart but now they've found someone else? They aren't "single" but the other partner isn't around day to day. Is that "solo" parenting? How much of an active role does the new partner need to play before it's just normal parenting?

That's me I guess...I just don't attach a label to it but if anyone specifically asked I would still say I'm a lone parent but I have a boyfriend. We didn't live together for a long time, he's not the kids dad nor do I expect him to be. So I'm still the only parent, although the money situation is different and if they were younger I would have a lot more childcare, so I appreciate it's not the same at all. Gah.
I actually found lone parenting easier and struggle to involve another adult tbh.

GigiAnnna · 12/08/2023 11:27

Yes I agree, I'm married with 4 kids now but I was single with 3 kids before I met my DH. I just got on with it too and I didn't realise how hard I had it at the time, looking back. It was lonely and could be stressful at times. Every single thing, big or small, to do with the kids or home fell solely to me. There was no one share the " life admin" with, or even just to talk about things with and give comfort at the end of the day. I wouldn't go back and change things as I love the family I have and the way things have worked out and it made me a strong parent, but life is easier and happier with a supportive partner when you have the responsibility of young kids.

Ketzele · 12/08/2023 12:25

As a single parent, I too get irked by partnered parents (usually men) who freak out at the prospect of coping with their own kids single-handed for a while.

But aren't we talking about a continuum, not a binary? We have to have words for the all-too-common experience of women who are technically partnered but shouldering the burden. My ex didn't work or do childcare or do housework - I did it all, hence ex. I am a single parent now, but have been solo parenting throughout. I paid all the bills, attended all the school meetings, planned the meals, did the DIY - we need the language to describe this.

Nissy123 · 14/08/2023 05:46

I think people are missing the point. Op said is not necessarily the term used and more the attitude of the person using the term to gain sympathy. Because oh no how hard is it that your partner is away for 1 night! Compared to doing it all on your own 24/7.

For example one particular "inflencer" did a reel on come along with me as I solo parent for the week. Then she went on to try gain sympathy. She still had her partner at the end of a phone to make decisions with and call for emotional support. She had joint financial responsibility with her partner. It's just not the same and I find it mocking of actual single parents who don't post reels about how they are doing it alone all of the time to gain sympathy

Hufflepods · 14/08/2023 06:49

Nissy123 · 14/08/2023 05:46

I think people are missing the point. Op said is not necessarily the term used and more the attitude of the person using the term to gain sympathy. Because oh no how hard is it that your partner is away for 1 night! Compared to doing it all on your own 24/7.

For example one particular "inflencer" did a reel on come along with me as I solo parent for the week. Then she went on to try gain sympathy. She still had her partner at the end of a phone to make decisions with and call for emotional support. She had joint financial responsibility with her partner. It's just not the same and I find it mocking of actual single parents who don't post reels about how they are doing it alone all of the time to gain sympathy

But why does someone else have the responsibility to acknowledge that single parents have or may have it harder than then? It’s irrelevant to their live really. If someone wants to talk about their life or their struggles while their partner is away for the week then that’s their business.
It’s not a mocking of single parents for someone to talk about your own life! Other people’s decisions or what they share don’t revolve around the OP or other single parents for that matter.

Beezknees · 14/08/2023 06:56

Nissy123 · 14/08/2023 05:46

I think people are missing the point. Op said is not necessarily the term used and more the attitude of the person using the term to gain sympathy. Because oh no how hard is it that your partner is away for 1 night! Compared to doing it all on your own 24/7.

For example one particular "inflencer" did a reel on come along with me as I solo parent for the week. Then she went on to try gain sympathy. She still had her partner at the end of a phone to make decisions with and call for emotional support. She had joint financial responsibility with her partner. It's just not the same and I find it mocking of actual single parents who don't post reels about how they are doing it alone all of the time to gain sympathy

As a lone parent it's really not something I can get worked up about. Let people think their lives are hard if it makes them feel better, who cares. Influencers don't live in the real world anyway.

WeWereInParis · 14/08/2023 07:19

Nissy123 · 14/08/2023 05:46

I think people are missing the point. Op said is not necessarily the term used and more the attitude of the person using the term to gain sympathy. Because oh no how hard is it that your partner is away for 1 night! Compared to doing it all on your own 24/7.

For example one particular "inflencer" did a reel on come along with me as I solo parent for the week. Then she went on to try gain sympathy. She still had her partner at the end of a phone to make decisions with and call for emotional support. She had joint financial responsibility with her partner. It's just not the same and I find it mocking of actual single parents who don't post reels about how they are doing it alone all of the time to gain sympathy

It's not mocking to talk about having a hard week, just because some people have it harder.

aSofaNearYou · 14/08/2023 07:27

Nissy123 · 14/08/2023 05:46

I think people are missing the point. Op said is not necessarily the term used and more the attitude of the person using the term to gain sympathy. Because oh no how hard is it that your partner is away for 1 night! Compared to doing it all on your own 24/7.

For example one particular "inflencer" did a reel on come along with me as I solo parent for the week. Then she went on to try gain sympathy. She still had her partner at the end of a phone to make decisions with and call for emotional support. She had joint financial responsibility with her partner. It's just not the same and I find it mocking of actual single parents who don't post reels about how they are doing it alone all of the time to gain sympathy

In what other circumstance is it a reasonable response to think someone that is not talking about you at all is mocking you for talking about their own struggles because you happen to have a harder life? This is the classic "there are starving children in Africa" response, and it's very self absorbed. Unless they've said something like "I think I have it harder than a single parent", they are not mocking you and you are being ridiculous.

Mummy08m · 14/08/2023 07:56

There's a mum on another thread atm whose dh is in hospital at the moment. She's finding it tough because he's usually so involved with housework and the kids, and she's now taking on his load. She's been very clear that she doesn't have it harder than single mums, but she's still having a hard time.

I frankly think it's unreasonable of some on this thread who seem to be saying "suck it up, I do it alone all the time, why are you complaining".

That mum absolutely is allowed to feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment, and if she wants to talk about it, "parenting solo" is as good a phrase as any imo, unless someone on here can suggest an alternative (I notice no one has).

itsallnewnow · 14/08/2023 07:57

Savemyusernamenow · 12/08/2023 02:50

Lone parent - completely alone. No co parenting

Single parent - other parent involvement variable. Could be co parenting, could be completely alone.

Solo parent - in a relationship / marriage with other parent. Caring for DC alone for a short period of time.

I agree with this, it's always been gate keeping around the term single parenting and lone parent emerged to separate those who are single but co parenting and completely lone parenting.

Solo parenting to me just means for a weekend or something or maybe a holiday without your partner

Sheepsheepie · 14/08/2023 08:00

I’ve never heard a single parent use the phrase solo parenting. Only time I’ve ever heard that is from parents who other half has gone away for work or a weekend etc.

How would OP describe parents who work away certain weeks, thinking army, oil rigs etc. Where it can be at home for a week away for 4 weeks?

Whataretheodds · 14/08/2023 08:04

I disagree - solo parenting/solo mum by choice is the term used by all the solo mums I know of

Sheepsheepie · 14/08/2023 08:07

Nissy123 · 14/08/2023 05:46

I think people are missing the point. Op said is not necessarily the term used and more the attitude of the person using the term to gain sympathy. Because oh no how hard is it that your partner is away for 1 night! Compared to doing it all on your own 24/7.

For example one particular "inflencer" did a reel on come along with me as I solo parent for the week. Then she went on to try gain sympathy. She still had her partner at the end of a phone to make decisions with and call for emotional support. She had joint financial responsibility with her partner. It's just not the same and I find it mocking of actual single parents who don't post reels about how they are doing it alone all of the time to gain sympathy

It’s not a race to the bottom, everyone can feel overwhelmed if it’s not their norm surely?

If a single parent has family nearby who goes away for 2-3 weeks, is that single parent not allowed to complain when they get stressed with childcare options as they have help normally from family compared to someone who has no family help ever?

What was a wife and his husband who have no family support and both work, kids get sick and cause a headache with childcare etc are they not allowed to feel overwhelmed?

I doubt anyone is doing any for sympathy, parenting is hard and I would love to see more people be empathetic regardless of people’s situations.

JenniferBarkley · 14/08/2023 08:08

Nissy123 · 14/08/2023 05:46

I think people are missing the point. Op said is not necessarily the term used and more the attitude of the person using the term to gain sympathy. Because oh no how hard is it that your partner is away for 1 night! Compared to doing it all on your own 24/7.

For example one particular "inflencer" did a reel on come along with me as I solo parent for the week. Then she went on to try gain sympathy. She still had her partner at the end of a phone to make decisions with and call for emotional support. She had joint financial responsibility with her partner. It's just not the same and I find it mocking of actual single parents who don't post reels about how they are doing it alone all of the time to gain sympathy

I posted about this upthread, I'm absolutely this person. I don't for a second think I have it anywhere near as hard as a single or lone parent. But DH pulls his weight and does half the grunt work so of course it makes my life harder when he's away. Our routines and the DC's expectations are built around two adult sets of hands, losing one of those for a few days makes everything harder (and yes there's an element of resentment that I don't get work trips away with my friends to fancy hotels a few times a year).

aSofaNearYou · 14/08/2023 08:12

Whataretheodds · 14/08/2023 08:04

I disagree - solo parenting/solo mum by choice is the term used by all the solo mums I know of

Well maybe they should stop using single parent or lone parent then, since they already have those one's and nobody else is supposed to use them. What is the need to commandeer another synonym and insist nobody else can continue using it, even though compared to the other two terms, this one is often used to describe doing something alone you'd often do with somebody else?

LadyBird1973 · 14/08/2023 08:19

People should stop watching 'influencers' on SM if they are getting pissed off. It's vacuous shite anyway.

People have the right to use whatever language they feel best describes their own lives. It's not their fault that someone else's life is harder - it doesn't make them struggle less with their own problems.

Whataretheodds · 14/08/2023 09:04

aSofaNearYou · 14/08/2023 08:12

Well maybe they should stop using single parent or lone parent then, since they already have those one's and nobody else is supposed to use them. What is the need to commandeer another synonym and insist nobody else can continue using it, even though compared to the other two terms, this one is often used to describe doing something alone you'd often do with somebody else?

Show quote history

they don't really use those terms
I've never heard them police anyone else's language
I (not yet a parent) don't recognise the definitions given upthread for solo/lone/single. Not sure they're as established as you think.

aSofaNearYou · 14/08/2023 09:20

1) they don't really use those terms
2) I've never heard them police anyone else's language
3) I (not yet a parent) don't recognise the definitions given upthread for solo/lone/single. Not sure they're as established as you think.

Anecdotally, they seem to be more common than "solo" parent being used specifically in that context. Lone parent is even what the category is called on this board, and single parent has been the most prominent term used for decades. It is silly to then take one of the few synonyms that remains and decide you want to use that for your context instead so nobody else is allowed to carry on using it to describe a concept that does exist and many people experience (ie parenting alone for a bit when you are usually part of a partnership).

And you surely have heard them police other people's language - what would you call this thread?

Dis626 · 14/08/2023 09:25

YANBU I'm in the same situation and label myself as a 'lone' parent.