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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Solo Parent’

99 replies

babynme · 12/08/2023 01:49

So I am a ‘solo parent’. Baby’s dad is not involved, I’m doing it all on my own. Solo. I don’t hate it (I did at the start) but it’s my reality, I’ve found what works for me so I just get on with it now.

It’s really starting to grind my gears now that I see a lot of tik tokers / influencers calling themselves ‘solo parents’ or that they are ‘solo parenting for a few days’ because their partner is at work. Is it just me? I’m not trying to gatekeep the phrase per-say, but most of the time their attitude is ‘feel sorry for me my husband is off to his 9-5 I’m solo parenting’ when this is our reality 24/7, I just feel it’s being used wrongly.

please tell me if I’m overreacting by being peeved by this 🤣

OP posts:
painochocolate · 12/08/2023 08:34

aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2023 08:30

And the reason people don't just say "my partner is away" is that they are trying to specifically discuss the concept of parenting being more challenging without their partner there.

Exactly this. They are clearly trying to say "it's hard on my own".

It's not a competition to who has it hardest.

Dreemhouse · 12/08/2023 08:40

My DH is often away for long periods of time, most of the last year. I say I’m solo parenting as I am the only one parenting. If I were to label you, I’d probably call you a lone parent. I am under no illusion that solo parenting is anything like lone parenting though.

Grumpymummy78 · 12/08/2023 08:42

I get that. Having been a single (solo?) parent for a number of years and now not, I get why you're irked. It's tough doing everything on your own day in day out, rather than for just for a few hours in the day. People (with partners) did moan to me too , and usually I bit my lip; I actually just couldn't be bothered most of the time to say anything and possibly worried it would come across as 'poor me', silly really.

Nothing really valuable to add, other than just wanted to say it's all about perception and people often feel their situation is harder somehow?!

Be proud that you're doing this (and smashing it!); it's not easy and I'll bet you're doing a damn good job

JenniferBarkley · 12/08/2023 08:43

Agree with the lone/single/solo distinction above. When DH goes away with work I say I'm flying solo - would never imply I'm a single or lone parent, but just use it as a short hand for half the usual parents in the house being unavailable.

Glitterandmud · 12/08/2023 08:55

I say I'm solo parenting when dh is working away (could be for up to a couple of months at a time).

I'm not a single parent or a lone parent, dh just can't do any of the actual parenting when he is away. To me solo parenting describes what I am doing at that point in time rather than what I am.

painochocolate · 12/08/2023 08:57

What's the term for a parent who's broken up with the other one and they live apart but now they've found someone else? They aren't "single" but the other partner isn't around day to day. Is that "solo" parenting? How much of an active role does the new partner need to play before it's just normal parenting?

See I don't think every scenario fits in a neat little box with a label so people just have to choose what they identify as.

aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2023 08:57

Grumpymummy78 · 12/08/2023 08:42

I get that. Having been a single (solo?) parent for a number of years and now not, I get why you're irked. It's tough doing everything on your own day in day out, rather than for just for a few hours in the day. People (with partners) did moan to me too , and usually I bit my lip; I actually just couldn't be bothered most of the time to say anything and possibly worried it would come across as 'poor me', silly really.

Nothing really valuable to add, other than just wanted to say it's all about perception and people often feel their situation is harder somehow?!

Be proud that you're doing this (and smashing it!); it's not easy and I'll bet you're doing a damn good job

I don't think people with partners very often think it's harder than being a lone parent, though. They're just trying to discuss what's hard in their life and often lone parents think they shouldn't as they have it harder.

painochocolate · 12/08/2023 08:58

aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2023 08:57

I don't think people with partners very often think it's harder than being a lone parent, though. They're just trying to discuss what's hard in their life and often lone parents think they shouldn't as they have it harder.

Show quote history

I agree with this if I'm honest.

notahappybunny7 · 12/08/2023 08:58

I know a woman who is always using this phrase as her husband works abroad. Fucking laughable really as her parents are constantly by her side! If anything happened to change her circumstances she’d be fucked and could never cope alone

Grumpymummy78 · 12/08/2023 09:04

aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2023 08:57

I don't think people with partners very often think it's harder than being a lone parent, though. They're just trying to discuss what's hard in their life and often lone parents think they shouldn't as they have it harder.

Show quote history

I don't know if they do or they don't find it harder, but I remember a number of conversations where mums said how hard it was without their partner there in the day (which is fine - I get that). I also remember feeling quite isolated during those conversations as really, I couldn't relate as my DDs father wasn't involved at all, so there were no breaks.
Their situation and mine felt worlds apart at the time.

Grumpymummy78 · 12/08/2023 09:11

And just to add: now I'm not a single/lone/solo parent, I really do appreciate those breaks!!!

jeaux90 · 12/08/2023 09:11

Pisses me off, I'm a lone parent like you and I see it all the time in here "my DH travels so it like being a single parent"

Oh do eff off!

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/08/2023 09:18

I’m a single parent and I get it when partnered parents are struggling for any reason. Being a parent is hard. Life is hard. I don’t think that we all have to be in the same boat to be able to understand one another.

At the moment I am recovering from flu. Not a head cold. Full on barely able to move my body flu. I feel absolutely awful. I have somehow had to get up make dc breakfast, pack lunch box, get dc ready for school, drive in peak hour traffic to and from the school and collapse in bed for a few hours before picking dc up from school, cooking dinner, bath and bedtime. And no one to help me. It’s the weekend and I am surviving by letting dc play the PlayStation all day while I periodically nap on the couch. I set the timer so I am not sleeping all day long and still getting up to make meals etc.

But, I don’t compare my self to parents who are doing it together. They may have it easier or for whatever reason they may have it harder. I don’t know enough of their full circumstances to know either way.

Not comparing myself to others is rather freeing. I totally recommend it.

BananaSlug · 12/08/2023 09:29

I’m a true lone parent as in I have no family help either, I hate the assumption that lone parents have family that step up and help out, mine live 10 minutes from me but would never help me with my children. I prefer to call myself a lone parent and don’t see myself as a “single mum” because I see that as someone who has involvement from their ex days/ nights / weekends/ weeks off from parenting and that’s very different from someone that doesn’t.

aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2023 09:35

jeaux90 · 12/08/2023 09:11

Pisses me off, I'm a lone parent like you and I see it all the time in here "my DH travels so it like being a single parent"

Oh do eff off!

That's not the same thing though. People already avoid "lone" and "single" when they're in a relationship because we know it isn't the same and people such as yourself will find it offensive, that's why "solo" is used.

BananaSlug · 12/08/2023 09:40

Another thing that annoys me is I’m on a few groups on Facebook and I will ask if there are any other lone/ single parents as I need to ask advice on something and without fail it happens every time I will get “I’m not a single parent but…” then don’t comment! I’m looking for advice from other lone parents 🤦🏻‍♀️

JenniferBarkley · 12/08/2023 09:43

What I find hard when DH is away is the change in routine. Obviously it would be much harder to be a lone parent, but because DH is usually here taking half the load I do find it tough when he's away because our usual routines etc won't work. Silly things like on a Sunday he cooks dinner while I bath the kids. Or we typically put one DC to bed each. Or having to bring dc2 shopping to dc1's swimming lesson and deal with them both being cranky in the tiny cubicle after.

Nothing insurmountable but while he's away all of those little day to day routines have to be tweaked and the kids' expectations have to be managed (no, dc1 I can't push you on the swing because I have to stop dc2 throwing herself off this climbing frame). If I were a lone parent or DH were away more often I'd have these routines established and so it wouldn't be a big deal.

So yes, when someone asks my plans for the weekend I'll say I'm flying solo. Not for a second thinking that makes me a single or lone parent, just that the weekend is going to be trickier than usual.

multivac · 12/08/2023 09:56

Solo = doing something on your own, especially something that is normally done by more than one person.

So I agree with those that say YABU, OP.

It is not comparable to being a single/lone parent, and I totally understand why an implication it is would be offensive; but it has its own challenges (one of which, I'm afraid, is the very fact that it's not all the time, and so usual routines/strategies are upset) and people need a way to describe it.

Um. Also, it's 'per se'. Sorry - feel free to chuck me a biscuit; I deserve it Smile

Beezknees · 12/08/2023 10:00

Savemyusernamenow · 12/08/2023 02:50

Lone parent - completely alone. No co parenting

Single parent - other parent involvement variable. Could be co parenting, could be completely alone.

Solo parent - in a relationship / marriage with other parent. Caring for DC alone for a short period of time.

This sums it up. I'm a lone parent and have no issue with the phrase "solo parent"

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 12/08/2023 10:02

babynme · 12/08/2023 02:21

@Merrow yeah I totally get that! But I just don’t see the point in labelling it lol you could just say your partner is away for a week rather than saying you’re a solo parent, idk maybe I am overthinking it 🤣

But you want to label it!!

Anyway, my husband wasn't away. He was at home too mentally unwell to work or make any sort of decisions about himself, the kids or our family. So no, I wasn't a lone parent, or a single parent, or a co-parent. I didn't have the benefit of his income like a PP suggested, nor did I have someone for back up or second opinions in decision making. I was very much a solo parent. With another dependent person to look after.

BoohooWoohoo · 12/08/2023 10:06

I think that it's fine to have a word for people whose partners are away for an extended period eg one parent in the military
It is different to your situation because you never get a break but there's still difficulties.

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/08/2023 10:35

@Anotherdayanotherdollar That must’ve been very hard. Has your husband recovered?

Normalnormal · 12/08/2023 10:36

Savemyusernamenow · 12/08/2023 02:50

Lone parent - completely alone. No co parenting

Single parent - other parent involvement variable. Could be co parenting, could be completely alone.

Solo parent - in a relationship / marriage with other parent. Caring for DC alone for a short period of time.

I agree too.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 12/08/2023 10:44

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/08/2023 10:35

@Anotherdayanotherdollar That must’ve been very hard. Has your husband recovered?

Yes, he's doing very well. Thank you for asking. It was a few years ago now.

Mummy08m · 12/08/2023 10:45

I do get that being a single parent must be very, very hard. My mum was a single mum all my life.

I'm lucky I have a dh and we are very co-dependent and do everything as a team. Once a year he goes away for a week with work and it is (slightly) harder for me, although of course nothing like being a single parent.

Am I not allowed to grumble a bit during that week? What word am I allowed to use?!

Yabu. We don't have it nearly as hard as you and I for one never even thought of comparing it to being a single parent. But I need a verb for what I'm doing in that week while dh is away.